Yes friends, inspired in part by Noah Antwiler’s famous Let’s Play of Phantasmagoria 2 – A PUZZLE OF FLESH!, I am happy to bring you my own effort of Phantasmagoria 1!
What is Phantasmagoria?
Phantasmagoria is a horror FMV game published in 1995 by Sierra, and designed by Roberta Williams of King’s Quest fame. To say it’s a goddamned radical departure from that series is an incredible understatement as to the best of my knowledge, King’s Quest never really featured gore, violence, or a rape scene. Was it controversial? Yes. So much so that Australia outright banned it. It also saw a port to Sega Saturn in Japan on a whopping 8 discs, which to the best of my knowledge is the largest number required for a console game.
Phantasmagoria uses a combination of live-action actors against digital backdrops, unlike Phantasmagoria 2 which only used that in the endgame portion, while the rest of the game was live action with only some digital trickery here and there for special effects.
It’s important to note that Phantasmagorias 1 & 2 have little in common with each other beyond existing in the same universe. Nothing that happens in Puzzle of Flesh spoils anything that happens in this game. Sierra’s intention was to create more a brand of game with Phantasmagoria with various horror games being released under the banner, but only the 2 games were ever done. (Will I drop occasional references to the second game? Oh probably.)
Last year (2013), ScrewAttack.com picked one scene as one of the most gruesome deaths in video game history, ranking it at #8 out of 10.
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| Protip: It wasn’t this. |
So what can we expect?
Well, this is my first attempt at a Let’s Play of a FMV game like this and I lack the skill to do a video version, so it will be text/picture based. When possible, I’ll link to youtube videos of cutscenes, just so you’re not missing out.
Part the First: The Introduction
Well, let's watch this cinematic. Here are my reactions in order.
Why, what a charming little New England village.
...in Stephen King's Maine.
Okay, so this is what it's like inside David Lynch's head.
Oh, so that's where Osama was hiding in the mid-90s.
So instead of the pit and the pendulum, we have...the chair and the pendulum? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?
Ohhh, it was a nightmare, well, that's goo-
HOLY JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Ohhh, nightmare within a nightmare. Ok, I feel grounded now.
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| "You don't ever have to be afraid of anything. I'll always be there to protect you." |
Yeaaah. Famous last words there, buddy. I give this guy 20 minutes of play time before he drops dead.
Whoa, hello there side-boob! Jesus, at least Phantasmagoria 2 waited until the end of the first disc to turn into a soft-core porno.
Aaaaand that's it.
Overall Impressions
Well, it's certainly weird, I'll give it that. And more than a little creepy with that mask thing jump-scare. Seriously, what the fuck was that? Graphically, it's about what I'd expect from the mid-90s. Music-wise, I kinda like the combination of that pumping electric guitar with the Gregorian chants, it lends a certain atmosphere for sure. Can't complain there.
But again, at least the sequel had the good grace to wait awhile before flinging boobies at the screen.
Part the Second: Actual Gameplay!
Okay, sorry it took so long to get this done, but life gets in the way, as does a lack of knowledge regarding how to resize your DOSBox window so that any screen grabs I take don’t require an electron microscope.
But anyway, on with the show!
So an interesting feature is that you can start a new game at any chapter in the story, which is something you’d think would only be unlocked after running through the game once. Kinda neat.
And all the cutscenes are in that tiny little window, although you can change that in the options menu, although the actual gameplay uses the whole window. But for cutscene screenshots, I’m gonna be very reliant on YouTube so I don’t have to keep reloading it over and over again. Also, if anyone out there knows how to get rid of those lines in the video, I would be very grateful.
Something the game doesn’t tell you right away is who the fuck are these people, so according to the manual, Our Heroine is Adrienne Delaney, and the guy is her husband Donald Gordon.
In the light of day, he looks less like John Ritter, and more like a douchebag.
”Donald” posted:
Somebody Kept me up last night!
Oh this guy can’t die soon enough for my tastes. Most of this cutscene is just exposition regarding how the house they are now living in is creepy, and that Donald wants to turn a second floor bathroom into a darkroom. Kinda weird. I mean, yeah all the plumbing is right there, but is he just gonna sit on the crapper while he waits for his pictures to develop?
So here is the full gameplay screen. The skull in the lower left will introduce itself as “The Hintkeeper” if you click on it, and warns that using him too many times will “ruin the game”. So, yeah, gonna avoid that one. The thing on the left is unclickable at the moment, and I’m gonna assume that’s because I have no inventory.
Because this is a point and click game, a lot of time is going to be just hovering my cursor over things until they show a hotspot. In this case, the first one is just the floor itself around the table, so I’d assume the game wants me to have Adrienne stand up.
Success! Okay, let’s see…I can click on the drawers, the door, and the bottom of the screen. So let’s hit the drawers first.
The only thing clickable in here is a book of matches, so let’s take that right away. And at this point the other thing in the bottom right becomes usable; by clicking an item, you can take it to that icon which opens into an eye, allowing you to inspect the item more closely.
Clicking the eye while you’re in this view rotates the item, but there’s nothing more interesting about these matches. And that’s it, so let’s explore the rest of the kitchen.
I love how it’s this nice cozy kitchen in most respects, cute little tapestry, and then there’s the fucking demon engraved over the stove. Anyway we can click the sink and the stove, so let’s do the sink first…
And Adrienne gets herself a drink of water. Fridge next..but all that happens is that Adrienne just picks at something and closes the door. Not even worth taking a screen grab of. Okay. So we can either go back through the closed door, or there’s a hallway next to the fridge, hmmm, let’s do the hallway because it’s closer.
Okay, yeah, that’s not creepy at all. I can click on the picture over the fire, the fire, there’s a door to the left, and more to the bottom of the screen. Might as well work my way around the room, let’s see what happens if I click the fire.
And I can click that…what is that, a poker? I’m just gonna assume it’s a poker. And now I have a poker in my inventory! Neat! So let’s take a closer look at the poker.
My bad, apparently they’re fireplace tongs? Nope, actually it’s just a really ornate looking fireplace poker. Apparently the owner of this place was not satisfied with “heavy iron rod with a point on it”. Now we’ll have a closer look at that picture…
Here the music briefly changes into a music box type tune, then goes right back to creepy atmosphere. And that’s it. So now let’s send Adrienne to the bottom of the room…
Oh man, a mirror. Now, if the Let’s Play of Phantasmagoria 2 has taught me anything, mirrors can be fun!
Adrienne checks her hair, and that’s it. But I’m gonna keep checking this mirror as the game goes on, because, really cool stuff might happen. Also, I could be nuts, but that picture looks like it’s checking out Adrienne’s ass.
Part the Third: Our Protagonist is Kind of an Idiot
Well, it certainly is a pantry, and nothing is clickable…unless we turn on the light. Adrienne must have absolutely terrible night vision, she should get more vitamin A in her diet.
So, we switch to this perspective, and nothing is clickable except the small rug on the floor, so let’s hit that..
And we uncover a hidden trap door! …but it’s wedged tight. Now, realistically, I am very aware that I could try to pry the door open with my poker, however, knowledge of the horror genre tells me that hidden basement trap doors never end well, so I think we’ll explore the rest of this creepy ass house before climbing into a pit of absolute evil and horror.
And here I have to make a confession. There is actually a second hallway extending off the Dining Room which I somehow missed, pictured here:
So I missed that one when I presented you with our options, I apologize for the mistake, it kinda blended into the wall for me. Anyway, how about we look in there?
Okay, maybe again I’m letting my love of Stephen King influence me, but if I bought a house that had a room like this, I would immediately assume that something was very wrong with the place and I should probably look at another house. I mean, you’re just setting yourself up for evil.
Anyway, not much is clickable from this viewpoint other than the fireplace and a couple of directional arrows, and a door to the right of the fireplace, so let’s hit that fireplace first.
Well, we can click something on the ground, the fire, the painting, and something on the far couch.
On the ground we have a newspaper, which we’re just gonna stick in our inventory for later I guess…
Clicking the fireplace just has Adrienne inspect it, she’s easily fascinated I guess. Oh, and I guess the thing on the couch was Spaz the Cat. We’ll get to him in a minute.
So…the original owner of the house was Ray Wise? Or is that Giles from Buffy?
And clicking on Spaz just has Adrienne play with her pussy. 
So let’s move to the right to keep exploring this room.
So let’s move to the right to keep exploring this room.
Nice piano! Oh, it’s actually a player piano that’s operated with a big crank. And to be honest, I've never heard of a player grand piano before.
Turning it on changes the in-game music for a minute or two, and we change viewpoints.
We can click that wooden thing behind the piano, and there’s another door that just screams “WEIRD AND CREEPY SHIT! COME AND GET YOUR WEIRD AND CREEPY SHIT!”. Oh, we've already skipped one obvious demonic portal, let's do this one.
Ah, hell, it's locked. Ok, back to the wooden thing.
Oh sweet, we found the bar, let’s get stinko! Let’s see, only the smallest bottle is clickable….
Oh lord. However, we cannot add the Absinthe to our inventory at this time, as Adrienne puts the bottle down after asking “Absinthe? What’s this?”, and returns to the middle of the room. Well, let’s keep going right.
So here we have what I’m going to assume is the front door, a big staircase, and…what the fuck is that in the right-hand corner?
“I wish I was big!”
Hey, that didn’t address my wish at all!
Part the Fourth: Wherein I Rant About Why This House Should've Remained Vacant
Up the stairs we go!
Charming tapestry.
Okay, from left to right, I can click on a table, several doors, and that candelabra to Adrienne’s left. Well, let’s hit the table first.
My bad, not a table, it’s just so Adrienne can look over the balcony. Wait a minute, I recognize those symbols….does this mean I need to get Milla Jovovitch to stand in the middle of the room to stop the evil?? And clicking the candelabra does the same thing. Okay, leftmost door it is!
Oh Jesus, if there was ever a sign that a house is evil and should be burned to the ground as opposed to occupied by human beings, it would be this fucking room right here. God, that color red would keep me awake all night. Anyway, the viewpoint changes slightly.
Oh lord. Okay, so clickables…we can click the portrait, Adrienne, the couch, or we can go further into this bedroom clearly decorated by the Marquis de Sade. Let’s hit that portrait.
Adrienne just looks at it without comment. Oh come on, Curtis from P2 would’ve had something inane to say at least, and he was a walking pile of rat parts and slime! (Spoilers for P2 if you haven’t played it/watched the infamous Let’s Play of it yet.) Well Adrienne, let’s click on you and see if you have anything to say.
Nope, as actually I was clicking the chair behind her instead of actually clicking on her. Although she just wants to have a sit and relax from her hard day of looking at things. Clicking on the couch has the same effect. God it must be hard work, walking around, LOOKING. Further into the room we go, I suppose.
Okay, everything from the bed to the little table against the wall can be clicked. Now, this may just be one massive clickable, or three separate ones, I really don’t know. Well, process of elimination, what’s up with this bed?
...
Okay, because this happened so quick I was only really able to grab a single screenshot, let’s just say for the record that Adrienne is not a brain trust. She gets on the bed and closes her eyes. And then this happens.
Hands come out of the bed and start pulling her into it! Okay, that's a pretty creepy moment, kudos game! She screams, and the hellish vision disappears. Donald shows up, gets on the bed to show her it’s fine, and then leaves. And I discover that there are three separate clickables here, as the dresser and night table are both still highlighted for me. Okay, dresser, what do you got for me?
Oh, apparently this was David Carradine’s house. So only the thing on the left is clickable, what is that, a book?
So only the thing on the left is clickable, what is that, a book?
Oh a cigarette case! However, I guess Adrienne doesn’t smoke, because she puts it back and closes the drawer. Night table here we come!
Okay, over/under: jewelry box, cigar box, Pandora’s Box?
Car parts? Is that what I’m seeing here?
Oh, it’s a jewelry box, and apparently it’s too garish for her because she puts it back too. Okay, Adrienne, let’s reach an understanding here. This is an adventure game, we should belooting the fucking place. Quit putting stuff back where you found it!
Actually, you can keep clicking the dresser and night table with the same results, so hopefully the cigarette box and ring will come into play later somehow. Well that’s it for this room I guess, moving on to the middle door in the upstairs foyer.
Confounded options!
Well, left to right has been working out pretty okay for me so far, let’s keep doing it.
Well, left to right has been working out pretty okay for me so far, let’s keep doing it.
Um, Adrienne, what are you doing?? She distracts Donald, who hurts his hand on the drain, asks Adrienne if there’s any drain cleaner, and goes back to work on his darkroom project. Now we get this viewpoint:
It’s worth noting that as long as you’re in this view, the sounds of Donald doing whatever the fuck he’s doing are incredibly annoying. Like, holy shit, just stuff my ears with cotton and set them on fire annoying. Only things clickable here are the light and the planks to our right. So let’s hit the lights and see if anything creepy happens because at this point, I almost want Adrienne to die.
Donald warns her that the lamp isn’t secure, and she apologizes. What about the planks?
Oh, it’s not the planks I’m clicking, it’s the sink. Adrienne turns on the water, comments that it doesn’t look clogged and giggles as Donald gets soaked.
Wait a minute. No wonder it doesn’t seem clogged, because you’re looking in the wrong fucking half of the sink you nimrod!! It’s a rare game that makes you start to hate your protagonist for being a fucking idiot.
Okay, back to our last junction and keep going straight ahead I guess.
…
I wish I had something more clever to say than “Are you kidding me?” but I don’t. So we can click the old-timey record player, whatever the fuck that is in the middle of the room, and the mirror.
Nothing happens when we click the record player, but we do get an alternate view of whatever that thing is. And yes, I know I keep harping on this, but who the hell just goes and buys a house that has something that bears a resemblance to medieval torture equipment in an upstairs room? Actually, don’t answer that, because I’d rather not picture Adrienne and Donald having freaky bondage sex, we got enough of that in P2. So what exactly is that thing?
Not medieval, because it’s electrified. Adrienne gets a shock, says “Ow!” and then backs off. I just don’t know what the fuck is up with this lady, I really don’t. Okay, hopefully something cool in the mirror?
Nope. Well, the torture thing sparks a little while Adrienne checks her makeup. Thrill at the horror of PHANTASMAGORIA!!! On the way out, I make her touch the thing again for another shock, because I'm kind of an asshole. Okay, back in the hall, there’s actually a third door leading further upstairs, we’ll skip that for now, and check the other door that was at the top of the initial staircase.
I think this is the bedroom that Adrienne and Donald boinked in during the introductory cutscene, but I’m not sure. Anywho, here we can click the bed and whatever that is on the right hand side of the screen. Bed first, maybe this one will kill her.
Nope, she sits there for a minute, gets off, and our vantage point changes. Also, how many fucking fireplaces does this place need?? And is that a giant picture of Jesus over it?
Well, we can click on the chair, the nightstand, and another mirror. I can probably guess what happens if I click the chair, so instead let’s see if the nightstand has any goodies.
Just that card thing in the middle, and I swear to god if it’s just another “Look at and put back for later item”….
Okay, it is, but this one at least has some atmosphere to it, as Adrienne starts reading it, but her voice changes early on to someone else’s voice. See, if it actually DOES something, I don’t mind if we have to put it back for later. Okay, cool mirror event?
HOW MANY TIMES IN THE SPACE OF TEN MINUTES MUST YOU CHECK YOUR MAKEUP YOU VAPID BITCH?!? Oh, I can click the painting over the fireplace now apparently!
Definitely not Jesus. Okay, so what was that item on the right hand side of the room as we came in then?
Cards?
Ohhhh, Tarot Cards! Okay, at least we actually picked something the fuck up! I think that top one says “The Magician”, is that a Tarot Card? I know very little about Tarot, so according to Wikipedia…let’s see…
”Wikipedia” posted:
When the Magician appears in a spread, it points to the talents, capabilities and resources at the querent's disposal. Depending on the card's placement in relation to other cards, the message is to tap into one's full potential rather than holding back, especially when there is a need to transform something. There are choices and directions to take. Guidance can arrive through one's own intuition or in the form of someone who brings about change or transformation.
The card can mean that a manipulator is floating around, usually if it's reversed. He may be a beneficent guide, but he does not necessarily have our best interests in mind. He may also represent the querent’s ego or self-awareness. He can also represent the intoxication of power, both good and bad.
I have a feeling that this is a significant sign/warning.
Part the Fifth: Our Hero Am Dumb
Upstairs to the third floor then!
So we have a door to our left, a door to our right, and we can keep walking towards the screen. Left we go!
Oh dear sweet Jesus no. I already don’t like the look of this room. We can come in further, or click…is that a teddy bear on the dresser?
Yes it is, and Adrienne clumsily knocks its head off somehow with an “Oh! Oops!” 
Okay, what else is lurking in this obviously creepy nursery?
Okay, what else is lurking in this obviously creepy nursery?
Now, of course it’s hard to tell from a still image, but you see that light patch over the crib? It’s fucking moving. And it’s not a glitch in the graphics because I can click on it. Before I do though, um, Adrienne? How is it that the teddy bear on the dresser was somehow more fascinating than the ghostly apparition floating above the abandoned crib you fucking nitwit???
I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but let’s see what it is…
She sticks her hand in it ( 
)…then comments, and I swear to god that I’m not making this up…
)…then comments, and I swear to god that I’m not making this up…quote:
“My God, what is this?”
Ok, seriously, that is your reaction? Not full throated screaming terror at the ectoplasmic cloud hovering over a crib in this creepy-as-hell house? The fuck is wrong with you? Doesn’t even call for Douchey McHusband to come check this shit out, no, she just quietly asks herself what it is, then wipes her hands on her shirt. Okay, I know there should be some suspension of disbelief in how a character in a game reacts, but at this point, I’m surprised that she actually called for help when the bed grabbed her! You’d think she’d climb off the bed and murmur “What was that?” to herself instead.
Anyway, that’s it for this room, let’s check out the other room to the right of the staircase.
Actually, this door is locked. From the other side. Adrienne looks at the keyplate, and says that there’s a key stuck in the keyhole. Maybe we can bust it down later, but let’s check the rest of the floor first.
The hallway continues to our left, and there’s a door in front of us, so let’s do that first.
Okay, what the fuck is up with this bathroom? Also, if Donald Dipshit is making the second floor bathroom his darkroom, does that mean that if you come down with the runs in the middle of the night, you would have to run up the stairs from the bedroom and pray that your cheeks stay together long enough to reach this one? Well, we can click the toilet, the toilet tank up on the wall, the weird-ass shower, and something in the bottom right. Well, what happens if I click the toilet…
Yeah. She closes the door, and the game stops for a minute solid while she drops a deuce. Well, I give the game credit for being unexpected in that regard I suppose. And the toilet tank is no longer clickable, so on to the shower thing.
She rinses off her hand, and shakes it dry. PHANTASMAGORIA! Okay, what’s in the bottom right?
I swear to Christ if you check your hair and makeup again….
God. Damn. You. Well, everything on the countertop is clickable, so let’s see what’s here…
Hand lotion. I’d be careful, Adrienne, that’s probably Donald’s personal supply. 
Okay, I probably should’ve guessed that one.
I hate you. So. Much. And clicking the sink makes her wash her hands again. Okay, next area, fuck this.
Door to the left, door to the right. Left it is!
I guess this is a solarium? Well, we can click what appears to be cupboards on the left, and the couch in back. Cupboards first…
My bad, it’s an easel with an almost blank canvas on it. And our viewpoint changes…
Now we can click the canvas, a stack of pictures, an urn, or the couch. Canvas:
The music changes slightly, and that’s it. So, is this supposed to be significant then? Ok, the stack:
Again, something that will hopefully be more significant later. The urn:
A dirty apron (that we don’t take) and a menacing musical cue. And the couch?
I have no idea, and neither does Adrienne, who asks “What is this thing?” Okay and now back into the hall and to the right hand door.
Oh, maybe this is the bedroom that they’re using. Well I can click the dresser on the left, the TV on the right, or come further into the room. As usual, dresser first.
Oooh, money! And I can click it! And take it! Five whole dollars…that I’m not going to take a screencap of because we all know what a $5 bill looks like.
Looks like the cable guy hasn’t showed up yet. Further into the room…
FIREPLACE COUNT: 4
Also, I can click the computer in the back. “I thought I turned my computer off! Guess not.” And she closes it. Riveting stuff. Just..just thrilling. Anyway, that does it for the Third Floor.
Oh, and just so you're all aware of how far into the game we are:
That's it.
Part the Sixth: The Great Outdoors!
Okay, you guys wanna go outside?
Well, here we are. And the creepy, ominous music which has been playing the entire time we’ve been in the house has stopped dead. I choose to believe that there’s a radio inside that Adrienne and Donald have tuned to KRPI: All Creepy Music, All the Time.
From here we can go behind the house through the fence, go to the left, and go towards the camera. I choose the fence because, well, Adrienne’s an idiot, so I’ll keep playing her that way for now. (Yes, I know if I was doing that, I would’ve already tried to force the trap door, but she’s an idiot, not a full-on retard. Yet.)
I can keep going straight ahead or to the right…hmm, decisions, decisions…..I’m gonna switch it up this time and go right because that’s how I roll.
What…charming landscaping. Um. Only thing I can do is to go further behind the house, so guess I’ll ride the railroad here…
Hmm, not much to click on other than that door…I can also go further to the left or the right…well, I’m going to use the door to confirm a suspicion of mine.
Suspicion Confirmed! Okay, back outside, and let’s keep circling the house to the left for now…hey wait, that harp thing on the fence is clickable now. I swear it wasn’t before. Weird how games will do that to you sometimes.
Oh it’s not on the fence after all. But I still have no goddamn clue what it is, as Adrienne just looks at it without comment. Anyway, circle the house! I command you!
Okay Adrienne. I can accept the possibility that you bought this house without looking inside it. But. Did the scowling giant face attached to the house escape your attention somehow?!? Anyway, from this location, all I can do is go back, so let’s head to the right this time.
I’ll be fair here, aside from that one withered looking tree, this is absolutely charming compared to the rest of the yard. I can keep going straight or to the left, I say straight on!
What I said about charming? Forget that shit. Jesus, who designed that bridge?? We can now circle around the tree and back to the left, or cross the bridge. Um….Oh screw it, let’s circle the tree.
Okay, whoever the realtor was who sold them this place, we need to get that guy to negotiate a lasting peace in the Middle East. Because he must be the greatest salesman in the universe. The only thing here that I can click is the crypt…dare I? I kind of want to, but I also think I should put it in the same category as the trap door in the pantry…save it for later kinda thing. No, I’ll hold onto that for later. There is a path to the right of it, let’s see…
quote:
“Too far. That’d be a looong jump.”
That’s the first reasonable thing you’ve said all game. Okay, let’s go back and cross the bridge.
Which brings us back to where our tour of the backyard began. So, finding ourselves back in front of the house again, we can approach the camera, or go left. Well, as I’ve said before, left has worked pretty okay so far, let’s do more of it!
A car, or a shed I can enter. The car does diddly, so to the shed I go!
Or maybe I can’t enter because it’s been barred from the other side. HOW?? But now our car is clickable, and we leave this creepy house forever.
No we don’t, we go to town.
So from here, we can go to the white house in the top left, the red house, or the blue house. Now, I really don’t think we should be in town yet, at least until we finish exploring the house and grounds first. Call me crazy, but it just seems logical to finish as much of an area as possible. So let’s hop back in our car and head back…for now. We’ll finish checking the outside of the house, then check the remaining hallway inside, then we will go to town. After all, Donald Dipshit needs drain cleaner, and it’s the closest thing to a quest so far in this game.
So returning to the house and moving in our remaining available direction brings us to the front gate.
quote:
“It’s too far to walk to town, I better take the car.”
And with that, our tour of the outer grounds is complete. So it’s now time to enter the last hallway inside the mansion itself…
This may be a very bad idea.
Except that the sole door is also locked. Damn. Well, I suppose I could get to trying to pry me some doors open… Let’s start at the top and work our way downwards.
Whoops, accidentally walked in on Donald Dipshit. They briefly discuss his progress on his darkroom, and maybe I should see if he wants to look at any of my inventory. He does not, however, he is clickable, so let’s see here…
quote:
“Adrienne I can do this better by myself!”
Stay classy, buddy. I just know something terrible is going to happen to you, and I’m 100% sure it will be hilarious. I can inspect the sinks again, just to confirm that they are still indeed clogged, and therefore, the quest for Drano continues! Uh, Adrienne, do we want to tell him about the dead baby ghost? No? Okay, have it your way, sheesh.
Okay, back to the third floor, let’s see if my poker will pop that door loose…nnnope. Hrm. Maybe I need a rat and a granola bar to get the door open. And I did indeed try to give the dead baby my 5 bucks, but it was not interested.
So, no other locked doors on the upper floors, back down to the first floor...let’s go to that creepy looking fancy door, see if I can bust it down. Sadly, I cannot. Or the hallway door. Damn, now the game is playing hardball. Okay, well, I did say I’d pry some doors open. Guess that leaves only one other “door” in the house. Here we go, pray for me folks…
The music just got really creepy. Okay. Deep breath. We’re going in.
quote:
“I can’t see a thing down there!”
Cocktease! Okay, we’ll reshut the trapdoor for now, maybe we’ll get a flashlight in town later. Well, only one last thing to check on the property I suppose. Hopefully this doesn’t fuck me, but we’re going to the crypt!
So we just look at it if we click it? Okay, where’s that poker? No? Fuck. Oh right, the shed, will it do anything there? Or is there an alternate entrance I missed? Also no.
Part the Seventh: Our Hero is Also Kind of a Bitch
It’s not very welcoming.
I can click the mailbox, or the dog. Well, let’s check the former before the latter bites our hand off. Oh, worth noting: THE DOG NEVER SHUTS UP WHILE YOU’RE ON THIS SCREEN. I’m glad I don’t have a dog right now, or I have little doubt there’d be some chain barking going on.
Congratulations, Adrienne, you just committed a federal offense! Now, I will admit, having Roberta Williams be the return address is pretty clever….but this guy’s last name is Wyrmshadow??? Did I just drop into King’s Quest without even realizing it?? Adrienne, realizing she’s breaking the law, puts the letter back.
Okay, let’s let Fido kill us I guess.
Actually, it doesn’t. What we get is Adrienne saying
quote:
”Good Doggy! Nice Boy!”
And she leaves the dog alone. Can I use any inventory on it? I offer it five bucks to SHUT THE FUCK UP, but, alas, it has no result, so away I go. Okay, let’s go to the red house now, see what’s up there.
Our quest for Drano may be at an end! There’s another dog in front that I can click on, maybe this one will be friendlier?
quote:
”Good dog! What a good boy!”
The dog just looks at Adrienne like, “Who the fuck are you?” and lays back down. Oh, we can also click on the storefront window, and click the front door. Well, let’s see if they even carry Drano here first before wasting our time I suppose.
Oh, well, shit. Maybe they just forgot to turn the sign around? That does happen sometimes. Nope, which leads me to wonder A)What time did Adrienne get up this morning, and B)How much time did we actually spend on our grand tour? Well, moving on from here, we can only move towards what I assume was the blue house, so on we go! (No, we can’t talk to the guy doing whatever that is next to the store.)
Holy. Shit. We actually can meet the guy who sold us this white fucking elephant of a black mass. At least, I assume this is the guy, he’s apparently the only realtor around, so we NEED to find out what the fuck happened here. In we go!
Okay. Um, this is an insane little bit of a cutscene. In fact, it’s so insane, I had to track down a video of it, cut it down to size and reupload it to YouTube because…what the fuck just happened here? I mean really? And yes, you absolutely need to watch this before moving along in this LP. It's okay, I can wait.
Meet the Realtor(I apologize for the watermark on the vid.)
So from this cutscene we have gleaned the following factoids:
1. The house is called the Carnovasch (car-no-vaash) Estate
2. Donald Dipshit is the one who bought it
3. Adrienne is not only kind of an idiot, she’s kind of a bitch too.
I’m not gonna lie, my eyebrows shot up at that exchange. Where did all this hostility towards Donald come from considering last night Adrienne was grinding on him, and earlier today Adrienne was doing some kind of flirty/sexy/slutty pose in the doorway while he was working on his darkroom. I am so confused.
Anyway, we can now click on Bob the Realtor, the table near the door, and the couch near the door. Well, I for one will not be simply dismissed when someone sells me what is obviously a hell house, so let’s click that fucker! (Oh, and gotta love his pin-up calendar on the back wall there.)
Adrienne accuses him of not giving her all the keys to the house, and Bob Realtor gets all defensive, inviting her to check for herself, so now we can click his file drawers and do just that!
Huzzah, we have gained…the simplest key ever made in the world. I dunno, I’d expect something more ornate or eldritch looking for this place. Bob Realtor exclaims that he made a mistake. Yeah, you did pal. Where’s my poker….ah well, I can’t bash him. Well, let’s click the table and at least steal his magazines…
Do you have Lyme Disease, Adrienne?
Oh, and I can click on the water cooler! Say, do you guys ever get the feeling of déjà vu? Ah, probably nothing. Ok, well, let’s leave this guy’s office because he’s obviously not talking to us anymore…
Okay, which one of you snuck into the game? Seriously, when I left the office, this guy was sitting against the wall, got up, then left. That was…weird. Almost weirder than anything in the house. Well, let’s see the antique store.
Oh, it’s still closed too. Dammit. So, I guess we’ll ride your plot railroad, game, and go back and find the door that this key opens. But let’s see first if Donald Dipshit has anything to say about the key…
Adrienne greets him by tickling his stomach, making him sit up and smack his head on the counter. Um. This is the same man you called an asshole just a few minutes ago, lady, so did you tickle him with the express purpose of making him do that? Well, he doesn’t want to see the key, so on we go. Let’s do this same as before, top to bottom. 
Got it in one! Well, hopefully.
Shit, didn't work. Okay, bottom floor, we’ll do the hallway first I suppose. Actually, looking at that video I linked, it looks like I should also have a hammer by this point. Huh. Maybe I’ll check back in with Donald Dipshit and scan the room for one before I go further.
Uh, where did he go? Okay, maybe we should look for him first, just to be safe. Let’s see, he’s not on the second floor at all, or the first floor, he’s nowhere outside, the car’s still there…
Okay, I officially call bullshit. There is absolutely no way he walked right past without notice. We find out he wrenched his back, so he’s taking a break. Apparently wrenching your back also gives you a +50 to your sneak skill I guess. Well, back to the hallway I suppose…
Fingers crossed that this isn’t the door to hell…
Success!
So this is the room where the former owner sat with his minions to decide how to take over the world I guess. Actually, compared to the room with the electric torture machine, this room really isn’t that weird. Anywho, I can click the table two different spots on the left, or move towards the camera. Well, let’s see what we have on the table first..
FIREPLACE COUNT: 5
Hey, that’s the name of the game! Which…actually makes the sequel’s title completely useless. And I guess “Carno” was the inventor of Snuff Theater. So, I guess one of those things I could look at on the left was a bookshelf, let’s see here…
quote:
“Prognostications of Evil? The Devil Made Me Do It? This guy had some strange tastes.”
HOW THICK ARE YOU, YOU BLEACH BLONDE BIMBO?!? YOU ARE MADE OF STUPID!! Click on the fireplace too I guess….
Click on the fireplace too I guess….
Well, the cursor shows that the rear wall is clickable…secret passage, maybe? Um, I think I should finish checking the room, see if there’s a crucifix or anything that might come in handy…
Well, we can click that thing on the corner of the desk, and open one of the drawers. So let’s see what that is first.
And we pocket it! So, a closer look reveals that it is in fact…
A cat statue? Well, we can examine it closer…
quote:
”Oh! It’s a letter opener!”
Well, that will be handy if we need to shiv a bitch (I'm looking at you, Donald.). Let’s open the desk, and we find…
Looks like another letter we can click on…
The portion of the letter that we can’t read addresses a man named Jeffrey concerning “a book you obtained in Egypt”. I don’t suppose it was bound in flesh, inked in blood, and never meant for the world of the living maybe?
And so we find that the former owner’s name is in fact “Zoltan Carnovasch”. Okay, based on the name alone, the house should’ve been torched. At any rate, we reach another crossroads my friends. Do we Check the Fireplace or do we Attempt to Open the Eldritch Door on the first floor.
Part 8: Shit Actually Happens!
Okay, time to check out the fireplace…
quote:
”What the heck?”
Okay, before Adrienne accidentally knocks out that brick and says that, she gets in the fireplace so she can look up the chimney. Maybe she’s like the girlfriend in Gremlins whose dad died in a chimney? Well, we can click on it again, which makes her look through the gap... 
Okay, Adrienne, this right here is officially where you should grab your dipshit husband and just go to the fucking Hamptons. You just found abricked-up satanic-looking altar, time to pack it right the fuck in and just fucking go.
Sadly, however, Adrienne has the common sense that God gave grass, and instead starts messing around, trying to pull out the remaining bricks with no success. So, now we shall investigate the other, eldritch looking door and see if our key works (I have a feeling it won’t, but nothing ventured and all that stuff).
Well, the key is highlighting, but then again, it also did that for the top floor door.
And the key fails to produce results. So, I think being a doting wife, we should tell our idiot husband that this big mansion he bought for a steal has a room dedicated to human sacrifice!
…That door wasn’t closed before. I have a sinking feeling we might be seeing more of Donald than we ever wanted to.
quote:
”I’m busy right now, Adrienne!”
Oh thank you, sweet baby Jesus. Um. So we may be at our first real puzzle of the game (other than opening that door with the key in the lock from the other side), in that I’m not sure what to do next….Hmmm…Well, we do have a letter opener with a long point, maybe if I can slide the newspaper under the door, then I can use the letter opener to pop the key out onto the paper and drag it back under the door?
(30 seconds later)
Nnnnope. So much for my well thought out plan. Um. Well, maybe the places in town are open now?
(2 minutes later)
Also no. Okay, I guess the only real thing to do is figure out that damn fireplace. I mean, maybe I can bash out the bricks with my poker?
quote:
”Damn, that’s not working!”
Okay. Hm..
I dunno, maybe because I found the letter opener in this room…I swear, if this fucking works…
Bull. SHIT. I can’t use the poker to pry the bricks loose, but we can use a goddamn novelty letter opener to chisel away the mortar?? And like a champ, in the process Adrienne snaps the blade, so we now lose our sole bladed tool. Okay, in we go, I suppose.
So not just an altar, this is a full-blown chapel to the dark lord and all his evil works. And now we have creepy organ music. I will say, I do dig the music in this game, it’s nice and atmospheric. All we can do is approach the altar, so instead of fetching Max Von Sydow and a tanker truck full of holy water, I suppose that’s what we’ll do. Because Adrienne is kind of an idiot.
We can examine the altar more closely…
The book on it is apparently the Carnovasch family tree.
But that box under it starts goddamned moving, and the outer latch on it actually falls off. You’re gonna open it like a moron, aren’t you Adrienne? You know what’s going to happen right? You’re gonna release Parallax and turn Hal Jordan into a douchebag for nearly 15 years.
Adrienne, I will give you 5 dollars not to open that box.
Congratulations, you just progressed from “kind of an idiot” to “You’re an idiot.”
Sam Raimi warms up his lawyers seeing as Adrienne has freed the Evil Dead apparently...hey, wait are we going where I think we’re going?
(Crashing sound, and Donald screams)
YES!! 
Adrienne hears it and runs off to find…
Adrienne hears it and runs off to find…
*sniff* Thank you, Roberta Williams, for bringing us such a beautiful moment as this, I will forever sing your praises and…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Adrienne asks what happened, and Donald says that he fell fixing that light from earlier…hey, I thought your back was wrenched?? Lying bastard. Apparently it’s actually dinner time now (Looking back at the opening cutscene, it’s Sunday so that’s why all the stores were closed except for Bob Realtor), and Adrienne asks what Donald Dipshit Douchebag wants. He says he’s not really hungry, just some salad or tuna and I die a little inside because who gives a shit. At any rate…
And because I want to give you all a proper-sized update, we’ll continue on into Chapter 2!
We open with Adrienne working…
And Donald comes in screaming that we didn’t get his drain cleaner yet, and instead of acting like a pretentious douchebag like before, now he’s just an asshole. Um, Adrienne, did you take him to the doctor after he fell and knocked himself unconscious? Because getting knocked out is like, super bad for you. Before we leave, we can check out a few things…Adrienne can drop her daily deuce for example…the door to the bathroom Donald was working on is now closed, and we can knock on it, resulting in the following exchange.
quote:
“I don’t understand, did I do something wrong?”“No more than usual, now be a good little girl and GO AWAY!”
You know, I think I like this version of Donald better. He might be a misogynistic asshole now, but it's kind of a step up for him.
Coming down the stairs results in Adrienne looking very confused because suddenly she can hear the soundtrack which has…changed significantly. Now it’s a weird fanfare-sounding bit. I think we better track it down. Going back up the stairs…it’s louder. A lot louder.
Of *course* it’s coming from the room with the torture gizmo. Adrienne quickly shuts off the record player, sparing my eardrums. And returning to the first floor returns the soundtrack to normal. And the fortune telling machine is clickable again, don’t have a quarter though…
Um. Okaaaaay, that is a little weird, I’ll grant.
Okay, I think we all know where this is headed, and it’s going to end with Adrienne cutting off her hand and strapping on a chainsaw, isn’t it? And if it does, I will officially dub this the greatest game EVER. Well, I checked all the mirrors on the upper floors, let’s see if anything’s different in the dining room…
Okay, another weird thing. If you can’t see it, I’m not gonna tell you. And it suddenly occurs to me that I’m an idiot as well. We couldn’t enter the cellar because it was too dark, and yet what was the very first item we found??
Okay, yeah, that one’s on me Adrienne. 
So Zoltan had himself a little still. Kickin’. And pretty much everything is clickable in here, let’s start with the casks.
Adrienne kicks up some dust and knocks on them, showing that they’re empty. And then our viewpoint changes.
Hey, the hammer I was looking for! I’ll get that in a minute, as the casks on the left can also be clicked…
Adrienne squeezes a few drops of...wine?...out and proclaims “It’s good!” So I add the hammer to my inventory (for the record, it's an ordinary hammer, nothing special under inspection), and let’s look at the press.
Not gonna lie, I seriously thought the lid was gonna come down and chop off her head. There’s also a passage on the wall where those bars are, let’s go in there…
Are those manacles? Okay, the guy has a Satanic Chapel, and a private dungeon? Oh Lord.
But here we come to the end of another update my friends, and probably my weakest option to offer you: Do we Re-inspect the Grounds or Go Buy Drain Cleaner first?
Part 9: Exposition and Something Genuinely Creepy!
Anyway, on with the show! (I can’t believe I just typed that about a game featuring a devil worshipping stage magician.) Our results are tied it looks like, so I’ll just check over the house really quick before we go shopping. Mostly because I want another look at that chapel and box. Also worth noting is the fact that Adrienne is a doormat. Why? Because I know if I tried talking to my own wife like Donald has started to, she would not hesitate for a moment to land her size 8 foot square in my balls. But I digress.
So I decided to take a good look at the demon box on the altar. Inside is a book. Probably the same one that Zoltan was trying to get his hands on.
Adrienne comments on the weird symbols inside, and that the text is Latin. In a book that was found in Egypt. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility, but I’m sorry: When we’re talking about a book found somewhere in the Middle East with links to necromancy and demons, Necronomicon Ex Mortis or Bust! Anyway, Adrienne replaces the book in the box, and further attempts to take it result in her commenting that there’s nothing she can do with it right now.
A quick inspection of the outside grounds reveals nothing new, so off for Drano!
Huzzah, the General Store is finally open! And also, considering that all the characters we’ve met so far are either asshats or assholes, maybe the game will throw a genuinely decent person at us.
Well, he at least said good morning, which ranks him above Donald Dipshit.
On the other hand, after he hands you the drain cleaner, you have about 10 seconds to give him money, or he takes it away. Anyway, after you pay, Adrienne pays the shopkeep who introduces himself as Harv. Harv asks where she’s from and she explains she bought the Carnovasch Estate. Harv reacts with some shock.
quote:
”Why does everyone react like that?”
Gee, I dunno, Adrienne, maybe because you bought the most obviously haunted mansion outside of the Disneyland Haunted Mansion ride?!? And that one has a fucking sign out front proclaiming “HAUNTED MANSION”.
Anyway, Adrienne asks Harv if he has any history on the place, and he refers her to a man named Malcolm “that used to live with Carno when he was a boy.”
Just to remind you, “Carno” was born in 1853. Adrienne actually comments on this, and Harv agrees that although he hasn’t seen Malcolm in some time, he has to be over 100. But before we go looking for old fogeys, let’s see if Bob Realtor has anything else sleazy to say, or possibly have the key to open that other door on the first floor.
Uhhh…So when we come in, Bob is tickling this woman and giving her Eskimo kisses….and then biting her knee. Seeing Adrienne, he gets pissed off saying that he’s “With a client”. Adrienne storms out, slamming the door and proclaiming Bob a sleazebag. Okay, we have to keep checking in on Bob, that scene was just too insane not to.
But now the antiques store is also open, and although we have no money, we should probably still check it out before looking for this Malcolm guy.
So when we come in, the owner spends around 60 seconds talking on the phone to someone about something totally unrelated.
PHANTASMAGORIA!!!
So it looks like we can click the display case behind the owner, and the owner herself.
Clicking the case has Adrienne express interest in the crucifix. The owner explains that it’s from the early 19th century, and is made of solid titanium, and costs $3200. Adrienne states she doesn’t have that much at the moment. Um, Adrienne, yesterday you released an evil spirit from a box containing The Book of Eibon that you found in a Satanic Chapel hidden in your new house, I think a few goddamn crucifixes are in goddamned order, fuck the budget, you’re a novelist, I’m sure you have a fucking MasterCard!!!
Clicking the owner has her go total fangirl as Adrienne happens to be her favorite author. She introduces herself as Lou Ann, and says that she knows all about the area, and that she also knows that Adrienne bought the Carnovasch Estate. Strangely, she doesn’t get all weird about it like Adrienne complained to Harv about.
Actually, for that matter, we have met exactly 3 people in this town and only one has reacted with anything close to horror about the house, so what the fuck is Adrienne talking about?
Clicking Lou Ann again has her reveal that Malcolm is the Wyrmshadow of the white house, that he's actually 110, and that most people in town think he’s a witch of some sort.
Talking to Lou Ann a third time has Adrienne ask about the Carnovasch Estate. Lou Ann says that supposedly Carno’s ghost haunts the place, and workmen working on the place have been injured in weird fashions, with one ending up paralyzed, and another having his arm chopped off. And clicking Lou Ann again has Adrienne ask if anyone else has ever lived in the house, and Lou Ann says that electricity was added during a period when there was thought of turning it into a museum, but the Templeton family that owned it never actually lived there, just passed the deed down through the generations.
And I can keep clicking Lou Ann. Now, Adrienne asks about Carno himself, and Lou Ann says that he was secretive, not even his 5 wives knowing that much about him. All five used to work in his magic show. 2 or 3 died, but Lou Ann doesn’t know about the others. And she drops the bombshell that Carno was into the Black Arts! Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!!!! Seriously, I’m pretty sure we all figured that out the moment we got a good look at the fucking house. Lou Ann will also relate that Carno had a little girl, but doesn’t remember what happened to her. Lou Ann isn’t sure exactly how Carno died, but both he and his last wife Marie died after an argument, and are now buried in a tomb on the property. Well, I’ve had enough exposition dumped on me for the moment, so let’s see if Malcolm is home yet.
He isn’t, and my attempt to remove the dog with the drain cleaner fails. So I guess we better go deliver it back to Donald Dipshit.
On the other hand…
Something is moving on the upper level with a very creepy rustling sound, and the music is very ominous. Better save my game here, and incidentally, we are just chugging on through Chapter 2 at this point. We can click on the pulley hanging up, or the open stall. Clicking the pulley just has Adrienne stare longingly at it, so let’s look at the stall.
And Spaz the Cat jumps out for a cheap scare. Further investigation of the stall proves fruitless. We can, however, now move further to the left.
FIREPLACE COUNT: 6
Everything in front of the fireplace can be clicked…
Which results in our second cheap scare as Donald reaches in from off camera and startles Adrienne. Upon seeing all the pots and shit, he has himself a little spaz, and demands that Adrienne stay near the house.
This being the mid-90’s, Adrienne being a meek little doormat, and also because there’s nothing left to check out here, we trail behind Donald Dipshit. A tour of the house in general reveals nothing different…
Except now. Because now, the dead baby ghost is crying.
Returning to the nursery, the rocking chair in the corner spins, starts rocking, and a disembodied voice starts goddamned singing. I am going to give credit where credit is due, this is fucking creepy as hell. Adrienne reaches out to the chair, everything stops, and Adrienne bolts out of the room like a flash. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Adrienne’s second genuine human moment of the game (the first being her screaming when the bed grabbed her). I’m still not convinced that she’s not related to Rod from Birdemic (seriously, that’s what her delivery reminds me of, and if she starts talking about SLR PNLS I quit), but we’re getting there. Returning to the nursery yields nothing further, and the rest of the house has nothing else different about it at present. Ergo, I guess we better go give the big baby what he wants.
quote:
”Yeah? What do you want??”
We give Donald the drain cleaner, he locks himself back in the bathroom and…
…really? I mean, we spent a long time exploring the place, but I didn’t expect the second part of the game to end that quickly. Kind of abruptly, actually. Now, this would be a good point to end the update, simply because, to be honest, no matter how snarky I am, that thing with the baby crying really creeped me out. No fooling. But we’ll at least see how Chapter 3 starts so I can at least save the game and see if we get any kind of option to present.
The presence from Evil Dead shoots around the property a little bit.
Aww a picnic, how cute…except Donald starts an argument and pitches his cigarette at Adrienne.
He then complains of a headache, and decides to go lay down. Adrienne packs up the picnic stuff, but spots something moving out of the corner of her eye.
Part Ten: EPIC DOOFINESS
Let’s look for that damn trespasser! And seeing as they were behind us, there’s only one real place they could be hiding: the shed!
This guy, Cyrus, seems like Denny from The Room’s cousin. He says his mom’s in trouble in the shed and…
Okay, last time we had a genuinely creepy moment, and now we’ve gone to just fuckin’ weird. We can go up the ladder to get a better idea of what to do.
There’s a pitchfork we can use to bring the pulley closer so we can attach it to the old bag.
quote:
”Watch where you’re putting that thing!”“Hey you old windbag, I could just leave you up here!”
Adrienne’s growing a pair apparently! Anyway, Cyrus helps lever his mother out of the hole.
Oh my god…
(5 minutes of uncontrollable laughter later)
Nnnope, still hilarious.
So, uh..this garden gnome introduces herself as Harriet. Wait a minute, I know this woman…
She’s the fucking Rat Woman from P2! Crossover!
Oh jesus, this just keeps getting fucking weirder. Adrienne informs Cyrus and Harriet that this is private property and that they need to leave. Harriet states that Adrienne and Donald need them (To supply insane whimsy?), and offer to work the grounds as caretakers. All through this by the way, Cyrus continues digging in his ear. She eventually whittles away Adrienne’s resistance, and she agrees with a handshake deal. And Harriet declares herself clairvoyant, and gives Adrienne an impromptu palm reading, stating that she has a good long life line, but that there’s another weird line that intersects it. Harriet dismisses it, and she and Cyrus wander off after stating that they’ll start work tomorrow.
Well, I suppose we better tell Donald about this arrangement before he sets Adrienne on fire or something because she has done nothing about his pending aneurism. Upon returning to the house, we can get another fortune, so maybe we’ll do that first.
Oh, yeah, by the way, ths is what the fortune teller looks like. Nice.
I thought Jeff Goldblum was watching me? Also, the interior soundtrack has changed and is definitely more menacing now. So before we go find Donald another tour is in order. Everything on the first floor is the same (I was going to say “normal”, but, yeah.), same with the second floor…okay, on to the third floor, and yeah, I’m a little tentative after the baby thing. However, the third floor checks out okay, but now we need to talk to Donald I guess. Except he’s not in the bedroom, so I’m going to assume he’s locked himself back in his “darkroom”, hopefully bleeding into his brainpan. So back out of the house we go. And yeah, we could go find Malcolm first, but I think it’s time for another exposition dump…after we see what horrible things Bob is up to!
I’m sorry, but Bob is quickly becoming my favorite character. Adrienne accuses Bob of not telling them that the Carnovasch Estate has a reputation for being haunted, and Bob just shrugs it off saying who cares you got a great deal. I have to kind of agree with Bob here: You took one look at this place and decided “Yeah, this is for us! This place will be great to raise a family in!” and bought it up. Bob also tells Adrienne that a phone installer will be coming out the next day.
Oh, and I can click on the water cooler! Say, do you guys ever get the feeling of déjà vu? Ah, probably nothing. Well, let’s visit Lou Ann and get some back story exposition!
Lou Ann greets Adrienne and offers to let her read a collection of old articles her mother dug up on Carno over the years. We can’t take them with us, but we can come look at them whenever. Well, no time like the present! So first up we have…
Oh yeah, I bet the kids got a kick out of that. “And now, children, let me tell you about Satan and why he’s gotten a bum deal over the years while I exsanguinate this woman.”
I think that’s that harp thing in the back yard.
Sooo, yeah. Carno either has the worst luck or whatever passed for police in Nipawomsett back at the turn of the century really stunk at their jobs.
About as much as Carno stunk at his job I guess.
Yikes. So, he was burned severly, lay in a coma for over a week, and raced 10 miles home? I’m sorry, either Carno was the Bionic Man, or he was in league with Satan. Anyway, that’s the last article.
Clicking Lou Ann at this point just has Adrienne thank her for her help, and that’s all the back story we can get for now I guess. Maybe Harv has something to contribute?
He does not, but he does have FREE SOUP BONES! Needless to say, Adrienne takes on and shoves it in the pocket of her designer slacks…right next to the fireplace poker I’m sure.
Sometimes a bone is just a bone. Well, except when it’s a tool to get to talk to a 110 year old man I suppose.
The way is clear, on to meet Malcolm!
GAAAH, HE’S HIDEOUS!!! Nah, this is his nurse, who refuses us entry and slams the door on Adrienne. So we evidently need some way around her.
Knocking on the door again prompts us to offer the nurse something from our inventory, but she wants nothing we have right now. Okay, um, back to the Carno House I guess. I also suppose we should check in on our wacky tenants too.
I have zero idea what they’re doing, but I can talk to both of them. Well, it might be a waste of time, but maybe Cyrus has an idea.
They’re…gutting rabbits for their dinner. Cyrus brags that he can kill them with his bare hands, and Adrienne gives an “Oh. That’s good!” while trying to keep down her lunch. I agree, simply because I do like rabbits as pets not food; I come from the Denis Leary School of Carnivores where if it’s cute, don’t eat it. Okay Harriet, make me laugh.
All she has to say is that they have the shed fixed up just the way they like it, and Adrienne gives a weak “Yeah, looks real homey all right!” I’m starting to sympathise with her, pray for me people. So I go back on my tour of the house and…
There’s a woman crying down here now. Okay, well there’s only one place that could be associated with crying, Carno’s dungeon.
That’s a fucking hand. It makes a grab at Adrienne then disappears. Okay, when this game wants to be creepy, it succeeds..it’s just that all the creepy parts are surrounded by epic doofiness.
It makes a grab at Adrienne then disappears. Okay, when this game wants to be creepy, it succeeds..it’s just that all the creepy parts are surrounded by epic doofiness. 
Speaking of which, Adrienne spots a rat on her way out of the cell, and chalks up the sound of a woman crying to it being simply a rat. I..I just….WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION YOU TWIT?!? I’m sorry, but at this point, you should understand that there isn’t just a “rumor” that your house is haunted, YOU HAVE A CRYING DEAD BABY GHOST IN YOUR HOUSE YOU VAPID HALFWIT!!!!
See, I actually am really enjoying the atmosphere of the game in general, minus the doofy parts like Harriet and Cyrus, and I’d enjoy it a lot more if Adrienne showed a lick of common sense. And I’m not even talking about opening the fucking Pandora’s Box in the Chapel, no, I mean, somehow the evil had to get loose and start shit up, and yeah, curiosity killed the cat and all that bullshit. BUT. BUT BUT BUT.A rat squeaking sounds absolutely nothing like a woman sobbing in terror.I guess the rat also snuck into the house, turned on its GODDAMNED CLOAKING DEVICE so that it could make its way unseen to the nursery, imitate a baby crying, then spin a rocking chair and start singing a variation on Hush Little Baby. BECAUSE RATS ARE CAPABLE OF THAT. Okay, yes, there was kind of a talking rat in P2, but that was the Hecatomb fucking around with Curtis to drive him nuts!
Okay, well, that rant just took everything I had out of me for the night, and I have no black and white options to offer you all. So instead, suggest what to do next because I have no idea beyond tour the house again looking for creepy shit.
Part Eleven: We Get Raped. Literally.
I have to admit I’m a little curious about what Harriet was doing up there in the first place.
Ok, so we can click on the hole Harriet fell through…
Ah hah! A nail! And unless I miss my guess, this is just the tool I need for another perplexing puzzle!
Now, you can try to make Adrienne pull it out by hand, but why do that when we have the hammer?
And thus we gain a bent rusty nail in our inventory! And surprisingly, Adrienne does not break the hammer in the process of obtaining the nail, so we get to keep our hammer too!
On the way to the third floor, I try to check in on Donald Dipshit, but he’s still in the bathroom with the door locked. I shudder to think what’s going on in there.
And now we can finally slip the paper under the door….about 8 inches to the left of the doorknob. Um, exactly how many awards did Roberta win for game design again?
Um, exactly how many awards did Roberta win for game design again?quote:
”Yay, it worked.”
Fuck you, Adrienne, I’ve been trying to get in that door all fucking game. Goddamn Cylon.
At any rate, we now possess another key, and we get to keep our newspaper, although we have lost our bent nail. Please, a moment of silence. Eh, fuck it, let’s see what new horrors this door is hiding!
…
Those are stairs. There’s another level to this fucking house?? Well, on to the creepy attic I suppose…
Did I say creepy, I meant blandly nondescript. Well there’s something on the right hand side I can click, let’s do that I suppose.
It’s a barred door. On the other side of a set of stairs. The doorway to which was locked. From this side of the door. But does Adrienne think to comment on the fact that seems a little peculiar? FUCK NO, ALL STEAM AHEAD! Well, we open the barred door to find…
Well we can click what looks like a book on the dresser, or the foot of what I assume is a bed on the right. Book first.
quote:
”The Vampyre by John Polidori.”
We can inspect the book more closely…
Hah, so that’s how we can get past the other Wyrmshadow Guardian! So what’s up with that bed? But I forgot about Adrienne’s Lyme Disease, because she just sits down for a minute, that's all. Okay, back down the tower we go. But first a thought: It's a child-sized bed. Malcolm Wyrmshadow lived here with Zoltan as a boy. The door to this room has a bar across it. Adrienne, maybe going to see a guy who was obviouslybeing kept a prisoner here and showing him a memento of that time might be a tad fucking insensitive, you colossal twat?!?
On the way out, I try to see if Donald’s done whacking it, but not yet. Also, does that new key open the final locked door in the house? It does not. Doesn’t even highlight like the last one did. Now the game’s just toying with me.
Something I forgot to mention, you can always check the fortune teller, but if the magic token isn’t in the coin return slot, Adrienne starts banging on it like she’s trying to get a free bag of chips. Anyway, on to Malcolm and maybe some fucking answers.
The nurse grabs the book out of Adrienne’s hands (rude), goes inside for a moment and comes back telling us we can come in.
Malcolm confirms that he slept in the tower room, and asks Adrienne how the house is, if everything’s okay. Adrienne says it is ( ), and asks for clarification. Malcolm waves her off, asking her to leave and saying he’s tired. Adrienne, being a gigantic doormat, does so. And no, you never actually see Malcolm’s face, only his hand and the back of the chair. I’m guessing he looks like Voldemort did in Goblet of Fire before he went into the cauldron. So back to the Carno House.
), and asks for clarification. Malcolm waves her off, asking her to leave and saying he’s tired. Adrienne, being a gigantic doormat, does so. And no, you never actually see Malcolm’s face, only his hand and the back of the chair. I’m guessing he looks like Voldemort did in Goblet of Fire before he went into the cauldron. So back to the Carno House.
GAH! Donald Dipshit! He interrogates Adrienne, asking where she’s been all day. Adrienne asks him the same question after saying she was in town. Donald tells her to stay away from the townsfolk, and Adrienne tells him to mind his own business, and she’ll mind her own.
quote:
”We’ll just see about that.”
Hey, remember how the first chapter took a long time, letting us explore, and built at least some tension? I miss that. On the other hand, I have heard that stuff is going to start happening in this chapter. Stuff that would give the ESRB a goddamned heart attack, so let’s see what we get!
On the other hand, I have heard that stuff is going to start happening in this chapter. Stuff that would give the ESRB a goddamned heart attack, so let’s see what we get!
Anyone want to bet that the final chapter starts on Hallowe’en? Any takers?
Oh God, this is more of Donald than I ever wanted to see…
And then he starts being tender as if to apologize, and if this was any other man on Earth, this could be tender as opposed to just…eeeew. He picks Adrienne up, holds her against the bathroom wall, hikes up her nightgown, and starts making weird faces…
And growling.
And he leaves Adrienne sobbing on the floor. And this, my friends, is the controversial graphic rape scene apparently. (Link is EXTREMELY 
although there's zero nudity.) Honestly, if you watch it, it really just looks like aggressive sex aside from the growling I suppose. I could be wrong, but that was pretty tame compared to some things I’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, rape is a horrible thing, but yeah, that just didn’t seem as graphic as I had heard/expected. At least they spared us the sight of Donald's O-Face. And how does Adrienne react to this event?
although there's zero nudity.) Honestly, if you watch it, it really just looks like aggressive sex aside from the growling I suppose. I could be wrong, but that was pretty tame compared to some things I’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, rape is a horrible thing, but yeah, that just didn’t seem as graphic as I had heard/expected. At least they spared us the sight of Donald's O-Face. And how does Adrienne react to this event?
By wearing the same fucking clothes as she has been all game and putting her hands over her face for about 2 seconds. Our heroine, ladies and gents! Okay, so let’s leave this room and, well, we haven’t visited the solarium in awhile, let’s go there…
Okay, this is new. Adrienne touches the paint, confirming that it’s still wet. Nothing else is new, so back through the house we go. Of note is that we can no longer knock at Donald’s Darkroom, for what I should hope are obvious reasons. Continuing to check all the rooms…
Ooh, something shiny has presented itself! Let’s take a gander…
Dafuq is that?
It’s a necklace, and after Adrienne picks it up she hears a conversation between Zoltan and his last wife Marie, where he accuses her of receiving the necklace as a gift from her lover Gaston. She denies it, and after they finish arguing, the necklace disappears from Adrienne’s hands. Ok, kinda weird. Nothing else in here, so…maybe check the bedroom across the hall as that’s where we found that letter from Marie to her lover. Nope, so on to the main floor.
Oh good, Harriet. She asks what needs to be done, and Adrienne gives her a list of chores, and YOUR HUSBAND APPARENTLY JUST RAPED YOU AN HOUR AGO, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?
quote:
”Anything else?”
At this point the game waits for us to offer Harriet something, but seeing as she’s supposed to have the Shining or whatever, I offer her the Tarot Cards.
quote:
”Wow, they’re beautiful!”
Harriet then offers to do a reading in the kitchen later. Okay, last stop for the night I guess will be our friend the fortune teller. No, not Harriet, the more trustworthy one.
Thanks for that, Agent Scully.
Part Twelve: In Which I Stumble Around Blindly
Anywho, we all seem to want Gnome Lady to tell our fortune…well, we all want Adrienne to just brain Donald Dipshit with the fucking hammer, but we’ll take what we can get really. Off to the kitchen! (Also I forgot to mention that Harriet takes away our newspaper when we give her the Tarot Cards, so if you’re keeping track, all we have now are 2 keys, the poker, and the hammer.)
Harriet tells us it’s time for the reading.
Adrienne picks 8 cards, and I absolutely fucking love the expression on her face here.
Harriet is not pleased by the cards which are:
Card in the middle: Fool (Representing Adrienne)
The Lovers (Meaning that Adrienne would have to make a choice)
Justice and Strength (Meaning that the Fool can use them to help out with rational solutions and a balanced mind)
Hanged Man (A sacrifice is going to happen)
The Tower (Break down an existing something)
The Devil (Evil, duh)
Death (Painful transformation)
Harriet predicts trouble with Donald, that he’s going to change, and that Adrienne will have to muster all her strength, courage, and wits to win. Now, I have no knowledge of Tarot, so if any reader out there can tell if this is total crap or if Roberta actually planned this out, please speak up.
quote:
“Thank you Harriet, that was very interesting.”
Harriet then tells Adrienne, yeah, she knows that Adrienne thinks it’s all BS, but she should at least be careful. And here’s where I have to speak up because Adrienne, YOUR HUSBAND IS ALREADY CHANGED YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! If you want to view the Tarot reading, Click Away, and end the video at around the 5:15 mark or so. So anyway, that’s over and done with, we’ve checked the rest of the house, only one area left unexplored again, the cellar. But nothing new there, so back outside I guess.
If you want to view the Tarot reading, Click Away, and end the video at around the 5:15 mark or so. So anyway, that’s over and done with, we’ve checked the rest of the house, only one area left unexplored again, the cellar. But nothing new there, so back outside I guess.
Going out through the dining room reveals Cyrus doing…something, I have no idea what. Let’s ask him!
He’s…trying to grab Spaz. With a stick. Spaz scratches him, good kitty. I get the distinct impression I should tell Cyrus about the rabbits.
Then he starts chopping wood for us. Well, considering that we have a shit ton of fireplaces constantly going, I have a feeling we may need to chop down all the wood in town to supply ourselves. Also, I have a very bad feeling involving Cyrus, his axe, and Spaz. 
Nothing else seems weird at the moment, so I’ll head back to town. Can’t get enough of Bob!
Alas, he is closed today 
. Well, on to Lou Ann. Unfortunately, she has nothing to contribute either. Well, let’s check on Harv.
. Well, on to Lou Ann. Unfortunately, she has nothing to contribute either. Well, let’s check on Harv.
Okay, this same fucking guy is in the store every time you go in, he opens the door for us, leaves, and sneaks back in later. The fuck is his story?? Anyway, Harv also has nothing, and I doubt that the Gatekeeper will let us talk to Malcolm again yet, so back to the House O’ Carno.
Well, I’ll give this for Harriet, she’s sure earning those squatter's rights. And now we reach a point where I don’t have a fucking clue what to do next. Re-explore the tower, the third floor, the second floor…I am so lost. Maybe I’ll go to the chapel, as the Devil might have some idea of what to do next.
Damn that Gnome gets around. Well, maybe she went in the chapel and has some insights? Of course not, Adrienne just compliments her work. And going to the chapel bears no results either.
Eventually after another grand tour, Harriet has made it to the bedroom where she has apparently broken our dustbuster.
And we finally get some goddamn direction as Harriet tells us that apparently Adrienne left her computer on, although Adrienne is positive she didn’t. Harriet just shrugs and says she turned it off for us, but any attempt to inspect said computer just has us talk to Harriet again, who is utterly baffled by the dustbuster. Even after Harriet leaves the room though, the computer remains unusable. Okay, that’s fuckin’ it, I’m going to Malcolm so I can at least say I tried EVERYTHING before consulting a walkthrough. Except the Gatekeeper bars my path, telling Adrienne to quit bothering him. Okay, fuck it, going to check something here because I AM SO LOST AT THIS POINT.
(5 minutes later)
Okay, I refuse to believe that ANYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET figured this out legitimately. Apparently, I’m supposed to find Cyrus down by that little cliff thing that we found waaaay back when, where he’s chopping down the tree and makes us a bridge. HOWEVER….
HE’S NOT FUCKING THERE. Guess where he is?
Back in the shed. Skinning a squirrel for his dinner. GO CHOP ME A FUCKING TREE YOU GODDAMN... Be right back…
Be right back…
(2 minutes later)
Okay, I missed something back in Chapter 3 that I think has to be done to trigger Cyrus chopping the tree down. Back in Malcolm’s bedroom, I didn’t even think to see if the window was clickable.
So there’s a whole other area somewhere on the grounds, probably on the other side of that gap. Okay, let’s go see if we can get the big lummox to make with the choppy-choppy now.
Okay, now Adrienne asks Cyrus about it, and he says that he usually jumps over, but runs off (presumably) in the direction of the gap.
Yep! A short cutscene of no account follows and…
quote:
“Wow, Cyrus, you’re amazing!””My momma always said I have more muscles than brains!”“Your momma is probably right!”
Oh, nice. You get raped earlier in the day, and now you feel you have to insult the mentally handicapped fellow who just helped you out. Stay Classy, Adrienne. Or should I say ROBERTA? No, I gotta address this, I don't care what the fuck happened to you, lady, that was patently un-fucking-cool. And Roberta, I don't care if you think that line was "clever" or "funny", I have a mentally handicapped cousin who is the sweetest guy I've ever met, wouldn't hurt a fly and you have the balls to have your main character make a comment like that? FUCK YOU!
Anyway, across we go.
Something’s sparkling on the path.
The fuck? Adrienne takes it, so let’s take a closer look at it I guess…
Well I’m still stumped as to what the holy hell it is, but I guess we’ll hold on to it. Onward.
So here we have a greenhouse and a telescope in the distance (I think it’s a telescope at least.)
It is! Adrienne says it’s missing a lens…Ohhhh, I gotcha!
And looking through it…
There’s another hidden room?! At least, that’s the implication Adrienne gets by the fact that there’s a window near the tower room, and I concur.
Part Thirteen: Okay, things get icky now.
Upon entering, Adrienne is immediately hit with a blast of cold air. This probably won’t end well.
All we can do here is go to the right or click the trowel, so trowel.
And this is where the game progresses to being really, really fucked up
Upon touching the trowel, Adrienne has a vision of the past.
This is one of Zoltan’s wives, and I think we all can guess who that is in the door.
Oh this is not going to end well at all.
Zoltan caresses whichever wife this is in a disturbingly familiar fashion, she just wants to tend to her plants. So he reacts accordingly.
He begins stabbing her in the mouth with the trowel
And shoveling dirt in.
Zoltan also thinks this is hilarious.
Adrienne does not, running out of the greenhouse, sobbing first against a tree, then moves back over to the telescope just to get farther away from it. Now, this is a very creepy and well done scene overall (even if Zoltan is a little on the hammy side). My problem is that he left the goddamn murder weapon just sitting there. Zoltan was definitely not among the great brain-trusts of the 19th century, was he?
And Adrienne, honey? I don’t care if you were disturbed, we’re going back inside. Upon entering, the trowel has disappeared, making my earlier complaint meaningless as I guess it’s the same deal as the necklace from earlier.
So now we can click those planters on the counter against the wall.
GAH!!
Adrienne knocks over the planters in shock, revealing, yeah, Zoltan just hid the body in them. Dude, you really suck at hiding evidence. I mean, come on, you have ocean all the way around your house, and you just chop up the body and leave it there?! Seriously, watch some CSI: Whitechapel or something. Anyway, we can inspect the remains I guess…which does fuck all. As we head back to Casa De Carno, we hear the sound of a car pulling up, so we must investigate!
If I had to guess, this is probably the phone installer.
Suspicion confirmed! And we can talk to him.
He introduces himself as Mike, and says that they have “quite a place” before going back to work. Now, after what Lou Ann told us happened to a workman here previously, I don’t forsee a happy ending in Mike’s future. But I have no time to consider Mike’s fate in detail, as we have a secret room to look for.
On the way there, Donald jumps out like some kind of fucking trap-door spider demanding to know who Harriet is, and then demands that Adrienne get rid of her. Dude’s just a little intense. But I have no plans on kow-towing to our now abusive, raping douchebag of a husband, so onward we go.
The wall opposite us is now clickable, Adrienne knocks on it, and pushes on it a little to no effect. I think it’s time for Mr. Poker to asses this situation? He has no comment, but Mr. Hammer seems to want to contribute!
It makes a starter hole…
Which Adrienne then expands with her bare fucking hands! ADRIENNE SMASH!! Also I think it’s time for a new counter!
THINGS CARNO SUCKS AT: Magic, Concealing Evidence of Murder, Carpentry
Anyway, into Adrienne’s hole we go….wow, phrasing.
And we discover a bunch of crap. There’s something on the left we can click on, the trunk, the pictures, and what looks like a mirror on the right. I’m gonna buck convention and start with the pictures, because I have a feeling these are more of the wives, and I kinda want to know who trowel lady was.
Adrienne just looks at them, but I’m 99% sure that the one in the middle was trowel lady. Ok, unknown clickable on the left (after a quick save because, I’m not joking, I reloaded the scene with the murder like 4 times in order to get the screenshots. It happens fast).
The music gets very intense as Adrienne inspects it, but I still have no goddamn clue what it is. Trunk next.
Not locked, surprisingly, and we find a diary, something round in front, and a familiar looking necklace. Diary first I guess.
We get a voiceover from Carno's daughter’s mother saying that prior to Carno’s trip to Paris, he was a different person, very loving. Also, she confirms what we all suspected, that the baby’s death was no accident. It then goes on to say that the author spends all her time with her plants now. So, according to the family tree and newspaper article that makes Trowel Lady Hortencia, Carno’s first wife. I have a feeling that she was merely his “warm-up act” . Okay, what’s that in the front of the trunk?
. Okay, what’s that in the front of the trunk? 
I believe that’s a cameo, and we can take it.
Yep, it’s a cameo, and we can undo the pin if we inspect it further. We’ll just re-pocket that for later I guess. Okay, creepy ghost necklace time. I have a sinking feeling we’re going to be getting more voiceovers with this.
Well, not as such. What we do get is the sound of Carno’s daughter laughing. Mirror, mirror by the wall…
YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. Seriously, you have been apparently raped, witnessed a brutal murder that occurred long before your birth, your rape-y husband is acting like a crazy jack-in-the-box, and you’re checking your FUCKING MAKEUP FOR WHAT I SWEAR IS THE 50TH GODDAMN TIME SO FAR!! I HATE YOOOOOU!!!!
On a game related note, there’s a shimmer in the mirror floating in front of the whatsis on the left, but it’s impossible to capture in a screenshot. Needless to say, whatever it is, it’s probably EVIIIIIL!!!
Part 14: Phantasmagoria….After Dark
(Head’s up, this one’s gonna get kinda gross. Also, there are going to be significantly more video clips in this one, because shit goes down.) Be forewarned, they are all probably . No nudity though.
. No nudity though.
Also, I was able to get Hortencia’s death scene onto YouTube, if only because it’s weird enough to warrant an upload.
You all asked for it, let’s go try to warn our Garden Gnome that Donald Dipshit wants her gone!
..but on the way there, Donald confronts Mike, accusing him of sleeping with Adrienne. Adrienne tells Donald to shut up, and Mike to get the hell out of here. Donald Dipshit then grabs Adrienne.
quote:
“Don’t you ever tell me to shut up!
Adrienne yanks her arm away, we fade to black, which can only mean…
Shenanigans will be afoot! So far, the further into this game we’ve gone, it’s gotten creepier and ickier, so hopefully, Chapter 5 will continue this winning trend and maybe have Adrienne actually DO SOMETHING YOU BLONDE DIPSHIT!!!! (Also, I don’t know if it’s too late to warn Harriet or not, but we’ll make our way there asap.)
So, Adrienne’s having a lay down, and to be fair, she probably deserves one after, y’know, the rape and all.
And this starts happening, but it’s okay, it’s just a bad dream.
Adrienne checks both her wrists for some reason to confirm that it is in fact 8:30 PM. Now, this is of particular significance because all of our previous meanderings have been during the day, I can only imagine the creepy fucking shit this hellmouth spits out after sundown!
All we can click in here tonight is the open laptop.
These ghosts need to have some Mavis Beacon I think. The only identifiable words are GET, OUT, DONOT, and TRUST. Should I add typing to the list of Things Carno Sucks At? Naaah, because I highly doubt that he’d be trying to warn Adrienne (unless he’s trying to avoid dropping the collective IQ of his ghostly harem or something.) Anyway, Adrienne just turns off the laptop, ignoring the warning of course. Oh, and needless to say I’ve been checking the TV in the master bedroom every time, but so far, nothing crazy yet. And because we’ve started at the tippy-top (more or less), let’s check the joint out a room at a time. First the Solarium/painting room. The painting…
Well, progress is certainly being made on…whatever the fuck that is. Anyway, that’s the only different thing in the Solarium, so on we go…upstairs bathroom is the same, dead baby ghost is right where we left it before…up to the attic then!
Well, that is new. The screenshot doesn’t really help to identify this, but there is something in the mirror. Okay, gonna save because I smell a cutscene, and we’ll see what happens.
Well this is as clear as mud.
Oh it’s Zoltan with who I presume is wife #2, he shouts about her never shutting up...
as he clamps her head in the contraption.
He doesn’t seem to be having as much fun this time.
Those chains he’s pulling rotate the victim’s head, until her neck snaps like a twig. Adrienne takes this about as well as the last hellish vision, and runs out sobbing. Too bad, lady, I’m sure there’s more in that room, get your ass back in there! Sadly, there is nothing else of value we can look at that we didn’t look at last time. Okay, back down to the second floor I guess, where I bet we’ll get a nice hellish vision involving the electro-torture-thingy.
Oh man, can I call em or what? At this point, I’m pretty much saving every time I enter a room. Okay, let’s see who got murdered in here and how.
Oh yeah, this isn’t going to end well for this wife.
Zoltan approaches, advertising a “veritable feast”, and begins shoving offal down the funnel. And it’s not like wife #3 can refuse…
Because that wacky Zoltan is forcing it in with a pestle. Eventually, the woman dies of fright, or just chokes to death.
And Adrienne doesn’t take it well.
We return her to the room, and she inspects the torture thing again, but with no shock this time. And that’s all for this room. But you just fuckingknow something horrific took place in Carno’s room!
Well, not horrific exactly…but there has always been 3 cigarettes in that case every other time I’ve checked it. 
Ok, jewelry box, and I bet the ring is missing too! Actually, it’s surprisingly still there. Go figure. Okay, last bedroom on this floor, what fresh horror awaits?!
Ok, jewelry box, and I bet the ring is missing too! Actually, it’s surprisingly still there. Go figure. Okay, last bedroom on this floor, what fresh horror awaits?!
Absolutely nothing. Damn. Okay, 1st floor, whattaya got for me?
Oh, it’s just Cyrus. Apparently Harriet sent him to fetch her to the barn Well, I’ll go there, but first I think we need a new fortune told.
Well that was a fucking given, wasn’t it? To the barn!
Okaaaay….
What the fuck??
Oh, She’s having a séance (Adrienne is not impressed).
At least until Harriet starts puking green all over the table 
, which chases Cyrus off.
, which chases Cyrus off.
Then the puke starts rising up…
And forms the face of Zoltan, who begins speaking to Adrienne. 
quote:
"I, Zoltan Carnovasch, was greedy and foolish. And opened the door to the dark dimension.I realeased some obscenity...an entity of pure evil...it had been contained...but now the pestilence is free...to infect once more. You are the chosen one...Only you can send it back...Find...find the dragon. It will show the way."
THINGS CARNO SUCKS AT: Stage Magic, Concealing Evidence, Carpentry, Black Magick, Fine Dining.
The face evaporates, and Harriet snaps out of a trance, asking what happened, and is overjoyed to find out that she actually produced a working séance.
\
Part Fifteen: We Lose the Best Character in the Game
Okay, Harriet is nowhere in sight so we still can’t warn her, and since we’re outside anyway, let’s have a look around the backyard…
Oh no. Nonononononono. Not that. Anything but that. Roberta, if you actually put that in this game, I will never ever forgive you.
I hate you sooo much right now Roberta. Because it’s much worse than a dead baby.
IT’S SPAAAAAAAZ! 
Adrienne immediately blames Cyrus, runs into the shed looking for him, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Adrienne immediately blames Cyrus, runs into the shed looking for him, but he’s nowhere to be found.
So Adrienne has a cry by the fire in the dining room, then we can explore some more.
So we have one of the wives (Probably Victoria I’d guess) drinking while Zoltan walks in.
quote:
“Here’s to you, Zoltan!”
She throws the wine in Zoltan’s face, and he responds by doing his version of the Joker’s pencil trick, except he uses a wine bottle.
quote:
“No…here’s to you Victoria!”
And Adrienne does not take this latest vision well either. Big surprise. For me though, after the elaborateness of the other deaths, this one strikes me as kind of lackluster. It should’ve probably built up in violence and icky-ness, this is just anti-climactic, really.
Moving into the main hall, the player piano has started itself up, confusing the hell out of Adrienne. On a hunch, I headed for Carno’s wine dungeon…
And one of the barrels is shimmering. And I think it’s the one Adrienne got a drink from earlier. I see in Adrienne’s future…except we can’t interact with it. At least not yet, there’s probably some item that I don’t have that triggers the event. Well, before going back upstairs, I wanna find Cyrus and avenge our kitty!
in Adrienne’s future…except we can’t interact with it. At least not yet, there’s probably some item that I don’t have that triggers the event. Well, before going back upstairs, I wanna find Cyrus and avenge our kitty!
But what’s this?
A rose, which triggers an appearance of…
Marie, Zoltan’s final wife, and her lover Gaston (who apparently was also one of Zoltan’s stagehands). They talk about how Marie is scared of Zoltan, and if she tries leaving him, he’ll kill her like the others. Gaston says he’ll sabotage Zoltan’s trick so that he’ll die, and the two of them fade away along with the rose. There’s nothing else outside, so back in, I check on the chapel and it’s all still the same. Same deal with the second floor…
But up in the Solarium, something’s shimmering.
Somehow, that weird thing next to the couch has been moved to the fountain/altar/thing in the middle of the room. Adrienne fiddles with it for a moment and…
quote:
Okay, before I click that thing, is there anything else in this room? No? Okay…here we go…
Adrienne searches the wall…
And finds a secret door that she immediately goes through and shuts behind her.
I have no idea what the hell that is. All we can do is go right, so right we’ll go.
Zoltan had a hidden hand cranked elevator.
There’s something on the wall, something on the floor, or we can move forward. Floor?
…It’s the cigarette missing from the case. And it’s been used. Wall.
A lever that opens a secret passage…
…To Marie’s room. Oookay, back into the hidden passage I guess.
Looks like another elevator.
Yep. We can approach the camera to the left or right, or go down a hall. Oh what the hell, the hall!
Except that there’s a big gap that we damn near fall into, so back the way we came I guess, and towards the camera to the left. Lot of blank corridors this way…
That is an “Oh Fuck” face if I ever saw one.
Oh fuck, we’re in the crypt.
Part Sixteen: Oh Hai, Adrienne
Ok, let’s look at this crypt! Well, I think we all know what we want to check out first…
quote:
So Zoltan is the world champion at hide and seek then? Ah screw it, let’s pop this sucker open!
Oh, well I should’ve realized that one. More of a sarcophagus than a coffin, really. Would Mr. Poker like to help us out here?
He would? Awesome!
Hang on, they actually buried him in his top hat? I don’t know why but that strikes my funny bone in a really odd way. Anyway, Adrienne has seen something shiny.
quote:
”To my angel, love Marie.”
Okay, I got $5 that says it’s not Carno in here but Gaston. Speaking of which, let’s check out what I presume is Marie’s sarcophagus…
Sure is, okay, let’s lever this sucker.
Her corpse has a rosary or something that Adrienne tries to pull away, but man that 100+ year old corpse has a grip on it. Unable to rob the dead, Adrienne slides the cover back in place. So what else we got in here.
Wisely, Roberta has not included an option to crack open that coffin.
And the other two wives with “explained” deaths. I have a feeling those engravings are going to come in handy at some point.
Waaaalk towards the light, Adrienne….
And we come to the outer entrance of the crypt, however we still can’t get past the bars. And there is surprisingly nothing else to do in here, so I guess we’re heading back. Let’s see, there was only one direction left to go…
He had a private theater?? Dafuq? But oh, it gets better, friends…
We have finally seen what’s on the other side of those doors we could never get past. Weird thing? There’s no way to reopen the secret passage from this side. Well we can either go to the stage or out the door, so I vote stage.
Okay, ignoring the fact that there is some new hellish torture device on the stage, who goes to a private, creepy looking dwelling for a magic act, sees the giant skull over the stage and decides “Yes, this will be fun! I need a savory snack to be eating right now!” Well, let’s take a look at whatever the fuck that is on stage.
Adrienne inspects it, then flashes back to her nightmare from way back in the beginning of the game where she was strapped into it while a blade kept barely missing her. Hookay. To the backstage I guess.
We can click the poster nearest us, the mirror, and the armoire in back. Okay, poster first.
Well, nothing shocking there. Got a cutscene for me, mirror?
Not this time, but maybe later I guess. Anyone want to bet that Victoria’s corpse is just stacked up in the armoire?
Nope, but there’s something I can click on the top shelf…
A picture of Carno and a young boy…and the face of Carno alternates between being a skull and his face. I give Roberta a few creativity points for that I guess.
Oh, it’s Malcolm as a young man. Well, when it turns daytime again, I’m sure this might come in handy. Well, nowhere else to look around here I guess. We leave the theater to find…
Donald, drunk out of his gourd, passed out on a couch. Charming. Adrienne comments
quote:
”I just don’t care anymore, I’m going to bed.”
Uhhh…yes, let’s stay in the house with the drunken rapist. This is a winning plan, Adrienne. And of course…
Okay. Things got pretty cool here and there last chapter, although I too crave VENGEANCE FOR SPAZ!!, but let’s see what Chapter 6 has to offer.
PHANTASMAGORIA!!! No wait, waitwaitwait….I’ve seen where rape victims can’t return to the scene of the attack for months, even years afterwards, and yet here’s Adrienne just doing her hair and makeup at the scene of the crime like it’s no big thing. Roberta, you fail at being a woman. I’m sorry, but you do.
Adrienne goes downstairs to find Donald.
Who is now being played by Tommy Wiseau. Adrienne asks him to move, and he gets angry saying that they’ll never leave before storming to the front door, berating Mike the phone guy, and angrily consenting to let him finish his work. As he leaves (muttering about how he loves Lisa so much), Adrienne finds... SPAZ’S COLLAR!!! She calls Donald a son of a bitch and throws it in the fire. DEATH TO THE CAT MURDERER!!! Well, let’s check the bar on a hunch…
She calls Donald a son of a bitch and throws it in the fire. DEATH TO THE CAT MURDERER!!! Well, let’s check the bar on a hunch…
And the Absinthe is completely gone. Huh. Time for a fortune I guess.
Well thank you for that stunning insight, creepy old fortune telling machine. Whatever would I do without your constant guidance?! Well, I suppose I should apologize to Mike for our husband being a colossally possessed, absinthe swilling asshole.
He accepts our apology with good grace.
(Hang on, how can we be halfway through the chapter when we didn’t do anything??)
Part Seventeen: Carno's Epic Fail
What to do, what to do…hey, notice that Adrienne never comments on doors that have been locked from the other side? On that note, maybe we should check out the theater again.
Okay, I could accept that Carno had one of those old film strip dealies, but why on stage? Anyway, obviously the spooks want us to check it out, because yeah, you can’t see it in a screenshot but that handle is spinning like a lunatic.
The spooks seem to have a sense of humor?
And it looks like we get to witness someone doing…something….
Oh it’s Marie, I guess she was Carno’s assistant. I think it’s safe to say she wasn’t checking the safety standards of the trick. Carno confronts her about sleeping with Gaston, which she denies.
Marie fastens him in, while Carno continues to accuse her.
quote:
”Go to hell”
"Love you too -HEY!"
Kaaaay….
Oh right, he was burned wasn’t he. So I guess that’s a Holocaust Hood?
“AHHH I’M BEING BURNED BY CRAPPY ANIMATION!!!”
Okay, I get the being on fire bit, but is the fire and the axe really necessary? I mean, really? I get one or the other but both just seems silly. Anyway, the vision ends with the axe swinging for Carno’s head…
And Adrienne is surprisingly okay with this. Oh suuuuuure, if it’s a woman having her neck snapped or force fed entrails, well then she’s a weeping blubbering mess, but if a man is set on fire and takes an axe to the noggin, well, that is juuuust fine. Sexist. Well, let’s look backstage.
Now this mirror is shimmering. Okay, whattaya got for me?
AHH! FREDDY KRUEGER!!!! Actually, come to think of it, if Carno had been played by Robert Englund, this game would be at least 50% more awesome. Well, I’m heading to the basement, maybe that barrel is clickable now? It is? Okay, place your bets people, place your bets…
Adrienne drank Corpse Wine!! She shrieks and runs out of the basement in response.Well, nothing else on the first floor, so let’s go to 2. First up is Carno’s room, still only 2 cigarettes in the drawers, and the ring…
quote:
YOU KNOW 2 OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD ACCESS TO THIS ROOM, YOU FUCKING NITWIT. And I’m very willing to bet that the psychically sensitive Garden Gnome never would’ve set foot in this room! Moving over to Marie’s room…
Moving over to Marie’s room…
And there’s another shimmering mirror. About time the fucking ghosts decided to plot dump everything.
Specifically, it looks like Carno wants to show us something.
Naturally after they roast another human being, Marie and Gaston want to get it on. Actually, he tells her he’ll meet her downstairs in a few minutes.
Because first he has to sit down and read a book?? 
And of course he’s sitting in front of that hidden door we found last time, I see nothing but good things in his future…
And of course he’s sitting in front of that hidden door we found last time, I see nothing but good things in his future…
Yep. Carno opens the door, springs out, and drags him inside. He’s pretty spry for a guy with 3rd degree burns all over his face.
"Yep, that's what happened." And when we leave through the regular door…
quote:
”Angel? Where are you? Gaston?”
Hang on one fucking minute. Angel?
quote:
”To my angel, love Marie.”
FUCKING CALLED IT! YES! I am waaay too excited about that. Nothing downstairs yet…hey, let’s check out that painting in the solarium, it’s gotta be finished by now.
I’m sorry, what? No really…what the fuck is that?? Well, let’s go see if we can follow Carno Krueger’s trail through the passage.
Except now there are extremely weird sounds here. A combination of creaking and insane giggling to be exact. And if we knock on the bathroom door, it stops dead. Donald Dipshit has apparently totally fucking lost it I guess. Well, into the tunnels I guess and…
Uh oh, these tunnels may not be as secret as we hoped. Nothing else in here at the moment, I think we better check in on Harriet and Cyrus.
Are they packing?
Yes they are, because last night they ran into Donald who threatened to kill them if they didn’t leave. And Harriet is pretty sure that Donald wasn’t exaggerating.
Part Eighteen: Incoming Backstory Plot Dump and Endgame!
Ok folks, time to go to town and kick some 110 year old ass I think.
And the Plot Dump begins!!
Upon presenting the Gatekeeper with the photo, at first the old bat doesn’t believe it’s of Malcolm, Adrienne pleads for her to at least show it to Malcolm, and a minute later, she returns to let Adrienne in.
Malcolm’s got some sweet digs.
After the Gatekeeper leaves, Malcolm rolls out of the shadows. And his voice is familiar. I was wrong, he’s not Carno, he’s the goddamn Sultan from Aladdin (as well as Santa in Ernest Saves Christmas). Needless to say, he does not look 110.
Malcolm states he remembers posing for the photo, and that Carno was once his hero. He also says that he knows what Adrienne saw in the picture: Evil. And with that, he explains the remaining holes in the story.
Carno and Hortencia adopted Malcolm as a boy, and he was once a good man until he got his hands on the book. He says the demon that possessed Carno has no name, but is an entity of pure malevolence.
And minty freshness I guess. (Actually, this is a pretty cool visual.) He then completes the story of the night of Carno and Marie’s deaths.
He saw Carno abduct Gaston and drag him into the theater.
There, he tortured Gaston and strapped Marie into the gizmo thing on the stage. After he switched on the chair, well, let’s just say he should’ve made sure that Gaston was dead first.
Things Carno Sucks At: Stage Magic, Concealing Evidence, Carpentry, Black Magick, Fine Dining, Torturing People to Death.
And then Gaston died.
After he was stabbed, the demon left Carno’s body and fled for the chapel.
Carno, back to sanity, tried to bring the box with the book back into the chapel, but dropped dead en route.
Malcolm is the one who brought it back to the chapel and put the other book on top to keep it secure. He then dragged Carno’s corpse to the chapel, confirming that Gaston is the one in Carno’s grave (he was so mutilated from Carno’s torture that no one knew it wasn’t Carno himself). Adrienne asks what happened to the demon.
And cue the Price Is Right losing music right about here. Adrienne asks what she can do, and Malcolm says that the book has to be used close to the demon along with a holy item, “The Stone of Hammurabi” and “the blood of a sentient being”. We fade to black and exactly what the fuck we’re supposed to do with all that I have no goddamn clue.
Thinking that maybe the cross at Lou Ann’s is the “holy item”, I head there first, but Adrienne forgot her fucking Discover card or something because we still can’t get the goddamn thing. I also check the general store in case they have any blood on hand, but no. Also, Malcolm, exactly how much blood are we talking here? And come to think of it, why have we never seen a corpse of any kind in the chapel?
Returning home, we check the shed, and it looks like Harriet and Cyrus got while the getting was good. So long you mysteriously stereotypical yokels. Well, maybe if we go back inside the house, Mike will loan us a cup of blood.
No, but the phone is working. Adrienne apologizes again for Donald being an asshole, but Mike waves it off and tells her to call him if she’s ever in trouble.
And on the way to his car, Donald ambushes him and clocks him with his tripod while laughing like a loon. Cue that Price is Right music again I guess.
Okay, here we go, final chapter, and if P2 is any indication this will be the only real point that Adrienne can actually die and we get a game over. Will I be punishing this very, very stupid woman for her idiocy?
Probably.
Let’s fuckin’ do this.
So Adrienne is finally doing the smart thing and getting ready to get the fuck out of dodge.
Donald meanwhile is…I have no idea.
Adrienne then looks at a picture of them together and-
Okay, seriously, what the fuck? No, really, I mean it, what the flying fuck is this idiot doing? He then puts on one of Carno’s capes and starts laughing crazily again.
Adrienne has a bit of a cry while her crazy as fuck husband is finalizing his warpaint or whatever the fucking fuck he’s doing, and we begin. Well, first, let’s go look at that painting in the Solarium again…
Okay, now it’s fucking creepy. Nothing else in here, nothing in the upstairs bathroom, let’s see if the dead baby has anything…
Okaaaay, not sure what’s going on here. Is that broken glass on the floor? No idea because although I can click on it, Adrienne kneels down, looks at it, and then back to the main view. Nothing else up here or in the attic, and descending to the second floor…the bathroom door is finally open. I have a very bad feeling about what we’ll find in there.
Well, it’s actually a dark room.
And on the wall are dozens of pictures...
of Adrienne, with the head separate in every one.
Donald shows up giggling like a loon about “A woman’s body is a beautiful thing…BUT THE HEAD IS USELESS!!” And then he attacks her.
Fail to respond in some way fast enough, or just try to go back out, and he strangles her, game over.
ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 1
And NOTHING I try results in any other option but death, so time to load my game I guess.
Part Nineteen: ENDGAME TIME!
Okay, after checking a walkthrough or two, I found that yes, I did indeed fuck up; I should not have gone in the dark room yet, but it’s apparently a common trap for people. So, starting a new game for Chapter 7 is indeed my only course at this point. Starting fresh also removes the brooch from my inventory, but we may not actually need it. However, we can take the shard of glass from the nursery now, apparently you can’t have both the cameo and the glass in your inventory at once.
Oh, and I need to make a correction. Previously I stated that Malcolm dragged Carno’s body into the chapel, and that was incorrect. What Malcolm called it was Carno’s “Secret Place” (EEEEWWWW!), and I simply assumed he meant the chapel. He did not.
And finally, there will be a lot of gore in this update, so all images featuring such will be placed behind spoiler tags. You have been warned. On with the show!
Oh yeah, Demonic Donald Dipshit also broke our laptop. Asshole. You know what? Fuck this, we’re leaving the fucking house and never coming the fuck back and-
And all the doors have sealed themselves.
And the windows are unbreakable. There’s no way out of here. It’ll be dark soon. There is no way out of here. Whoa, sorry, went full-Torgo for a moment there. Ok, well, according to Malcolm, we need the book so let’s go get that first.
And it’s gone. Oh that’s just terrific. Okay, well I’m about 90% sure that Demonic Donald has it, so I’m sure we’ll get it back. And seeing as we can’t leave the house for another attempt to get the cross, Marie’s rosary should now be available for us to take.
It was. And it was on top of her casket instead of clutched in her hands. Fucking weird. Now that we have those, and I have no idea where the fuck the “Stone of Hammurabi” might be, what to do next? Well, a helpful friend who shall remain nameless indicated that we should check the backstage of the theater. This sounds like an immensely bad idea to me, but what do I know?
What’s that in the back?
Oh it’s Donald Dipshit’s vest. Adrienne searches it…
And finds that Christmas Ornament from back at the very beginning of the game.
So we take it, and hang right the fuck on a minute. He was carrying around that damn thing the whole fucking time??? No no no, I’m sorry, but suspension of disbelief is ruined. Even before he became possessed, any normal human being would’ve put that somewhere safe before, you know, doing extensive renovation work. And even then it should have shattered when the demon went after him and he fell off the ladder at the end of Chapter 1. Suspension of disbelief is totally ruined. Okay, aside from that stone thingamabob we have everything we need I think. Okay, trying the darkroom again…
And this time we can grab the drain cleaner and fling it in Demonic Dipshit Donald’s face! Take that Cat Killer!! (Also, I quite like the chemical burn makeup they have Donald wear for the rest of the game.)
But running downstairs results in us getting caught. And then we get strapped into the chair, and if we fail to escape somehow in time….
ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 2
Oh shit, here we fucking go, this is where the game gets goddamn gross.
Running back upstairs takes us to the Solarium, and into the tunnels. There, we try to take the elevator down, but Donald Dipshit tries to bring us back up.
Luckily it’s only a short jump down for Adrienne, and off we go again! Further down the tunnels, we try to escape into Marie’s room, but
Well, Mike’s blocking the entrance being a little dead and all.
Further down, Adrienne makes a run for the crypt, and someone drops in.
So, at some point after we got the rosary, Donald Dipshit got Cyrus, and rigged him up to drop on Adrienne if she passed under him I guess. Give the guy credit, that’s attention to detail.
It’s worth noting that if you didn’t grab the snowman earlier, you can make it into the theater without being caught, and there Adrienne thinks she sees Harriet...
but it’s actually Donald in a wig.
Ok, it’s not a wig. You will be missed, you crazy garden gnome.
Back to the main pursuit, in the crypt, Donald catches up.
So Adrienne drops a gargoyle on his head. He actually recovers quite quickly from this. Also, he keeps up that insane laugh during the whole chase sequence we’re going through. Also, despite all that attention paid to his makeup at the start of the chapter, he’s strangely not wearing it, like, at all when we run into him in the dark room. Weird.
Anyway, I can’t seem to escape him at all again, and I get killed. However, when the sequence starts over, we can grab the spellbook after Adrienne Drano-s his face, but he does catch me and then he straps me back into the chair.
But this time Adrienne shows him the Snowman. He looks at it a moment, giving us the opening we need to grab at the lever on the chair….
Bye, Donald. You will not be missed.
Adrienne cries over his corpse for a moment.
Then the room starts to collapse.
Donald’s corpse sinks down through a hole in the floor.
And something comes up.
Oh this isn’t fucking good.
AHHHHHH! Okay, that is far scarier than the painting could possibly have portrayed. We have pretty much a split second to flee the room before the demon shoves his hands in Adrienne’s mouth and...
And…
Um, could you all excuse me for a moment?
(5 minutes of later)
Oh dear sweet Jesus that was gross. And that my friends was ranked one of the goriest scenes of all time, and yeah, it definitely warrants that position. Oh, and I guess, ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 3
So instead if we flee the theater…
The doors are locked and we die again. ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT:4 However, it looks like we can escape via the secret tunnel.
The only path we can go on is the one that had a big gap.
You have to click the pipe along the wall, otherwise Adrienne tries to jump it and, well, ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 4
So we shimmy across the plumbing, the demon chasing us in a cutscene…
Eeeew, demon slime!
Adrienne runs into a door, which she barely closes and bars in time. Down a flight of stairs…
This is it, Carno’s Secret Room and final resting place. We put the book on the altar.
Adrienne puzzles over the Latin, but deciphers that she’s to be in a magic circle…good thing there’s one already there.
Next is to place a talisman on the book. Good thing Carno kept it on him!
Adrienne next has to drip her blood onto the Stone,
which begins to glow.
Finally she holds the rosary over the Stone and recites the spell.
Bye-bye Demon fuck! It gets sucked into the book, which slams shut.
And thus did Adrienne, despite being a massive tool, walk away from the Carno House and go on to write a book about Coping With Loss (Seriously, it’s referenced in P2) without looking back. And the credits roll, with a completely inappropriate power ballad rocking out.
No, seriously.
Final Thoughts
Overall...I actually liked this game for the most part. The atmosphere is creepy, the makeup is quite good, all the music (until the end credits) contributes to the aforementioned atmosphere, and the design for the Demon is possibly one of the more original I've ever seen. By that I mean, it's not all horns and cloven hooves, instead having one big cyclopean eye and the lower body of a slug/snail.
The practical effects during Adrienne's death scenes are actually pretty convincing too, I have a hard time seeing where the actress was swapped out with a dummy.
Now, yeah, the acting is hammy as all hell. And the writing, well...it stinks. But at the same time, there's a hint of something great buried in all of Roberta's crap. If it had been filtered through a second writer, or an editor, I think it could've been sharpened up. The best actor out of the whole bunch is probably Malcolm I'd say, but I *think* he's the most experienced out of the crew.
And yeah, the graphics are pretty dated by today's standards, but back in '95 this was cutting edge, crap-your-pants stuff, so I can't really comment on that.
Ok folks, time to go to town and kick some 110 year old ass I think.
And the Plot Dump begins!!
Upon presenting the Gatekeeper with the photo, at first the old bat doesn’t believe it’s of Malcolm, Adrienne pleads for her to at least show it to Malcolm, and a minute later, she returns to let Adrienne in.
Malcolm’s got some sweet digs.
After the Gatekeeper leaves, Malcolm rolls out of the shadows. And his voice is familiar. I was wrong, he’s not Carno, he’s the goddamn Sultan from Aladdin (as well as Santa in Ernest Saves Christmas). Needless to say, he does not look 110.
Malcolm states he remembers posing for the photo, and that Carno was once his hero. He also says that he knows what Adrienne saw in the picture: Evil. And with that, he explains the remaining holes in the story.
Carno and Hortencia adopted Malcolm as a boy, and he was once a good man until he got his hands on the book. He says the demon that possessed Carno has no name, but is an entity of pure malevolence.
And minty freshness I guess. (Actually, this is a pretty cool visual.) He then completes the story of the night of Carno and Marie’s deaths.
He saw Carno abduct Gaston and drag him into the theater.
There, he tortured Gaston and strapped Marie into the gizmo thing on the stage. After he switched on the chair, well, let’s just say he should’ve made sure that Gaston was dead first.
Things Carno Sucks At: Stage Magic, Concealing Evidence, Carpentry, Black Magick, Fine Dining, Torturing People to Death.
And then Gaston died.
After he was stabbed, the demon left Carno’s body and fled for the chapel.
Carno, back to sanity, tried to bring the box with the book back into the chapel, but dropped dead en route.
Malcolm is the one who brought it back to the chapel and put the other book on top to keep it secure. He then dragged Carno’s corpse to the chapel, confirming that Gaston is the one in Carno’s grave (he was so mutilated from Carno’s torture that no one knew it wasn’t Carno himself). Adrienne asks what happened to the demon.
quote:
”Oh, the demon…it must have been released…”
And cue the Price Is Right losing music right about here. Adrienne asks what she can do, and Malcolm says that the book has to be used close to the demon along with a holy item, “The Stone of Hammurabi” and “the blood of a sentient being”.
We fade to black and exactly what the fuck we’re supposed to do with all that I have no goddamn clue.Thinking that maybe the cross at Lou Ann’s is the “holy item”, I head there first, but Adrienne forgot her fucking Discover card or something because we still can’t get the goddamn thing. I also check the general store in case they have any blood on hand, but no. Also, Malcolm, exactly how much blood are we talking here? And come to think of it, why have we never seen a corpse of any kind in the chapel?
Returning home, we check the shed, and it looks like Harriet and Cyrus got while the getting was good. So long you mysteriously stereotypical yokels. Well, maybe if we go back inside the house, Mike will loan us a cup of blood.
No, but the phone is working. Adrienne apologizes again for Donald being an asshole, but Mike waves it off and tells her to call him if she’s ever in trouble.
And on the way to his car, Donald ambushes him and clocks him with his tripod while laughing like a loon. Cue that Price is Right music again I guess.
Okay, here we go, final chapter, and if P2 is any indication this will be the only real point that Adrienne can actually die and we get a game over. Will I be punishing this very, very stupid woman for her idiocy?
Probably.
Let’s fuckin’ do this.So Adrienne is finally doing the smart thing and getting ready to get the fuck out of dodge.
Donald meanwhile is…I have no idea.
Adrienne then looks at a picture of them together and-
Okay, seriously, what the fuck? No, really, I mean it, what the flying fuck is this idiot doing? He then puts on one of Carno’s capes and starts laughing crazily again.
Adrienne has a bit of a cry while her crazy as fuck husband is finalizing his warpaint or whatever the fucking fuck he’s doing, and we begin. Well, first, let’s go look at that painting in the Solarium again…
Okay, now it’s fucking creepy. Nothing else in here, nothing in the upstairs bathroom, let’s see if the dead baby has anything…
Okaaaay, not sure what’s going on here. Is that broken glass on the floor? No idea because although I can click on it, Adrienne kneels down, looks at it, and then back to the main view. Nothing else up here or in the attic, and descending to the second floor…the bathroom door is finally open. I have a very bad feeling about what we’ll find in there.
Well, it’s actually a dark room.
And on the wall are dozens of pictures...
of Adrienne, with the head separate in every one.
Donald shows up giggling like a loon about “A woman’s body is a beautiful thing…BUT THE HEAD IS USELESS!!” And then he attacks her.
Fail to respond in some way fast enough, or just try to go back out, and he strangles her, game over.
ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 1
And NOTHING I try results in any other option but death, so time to load my game I guess.
Part Nineteen: ENDGAME TIME!
Okay, after checking a walkthrough or two, I found that yes, I did indeed fuck up; I should not have gone in the dark room yet, but it’s apparently a common trap for people. So, starting a new game for Chapter 7 is indeed my only course at this point. Starting fresh also removes the brooch from my inventory, but we may not actually need it. However, we can take the shard of glass from the nursery now, apparently you can’t have both the cameo and the glass in your inventory at once.
Oh, and I need to make a correction. Previously I stated that Malcolm dragged Carno’s body into the chapel, and that was incorrect. What Malcolm called it was Carno’s “Secret Place” (EEEEWWWW!), and I simply assumed he meant the chapel. He did not.
And finally, there will be a lot of gore in this update, so all images featuring such will be placed behind spoiler tags. You have been warned. On with the show!
Oh yeah, Demonic Donald Dipshit also broke our laptop. Asshole. You know what? Fuck this, we’re leaving the fucking house and never coming the fuck back and-
And all the doors have sealed themselves.
And the windows are unbreakable. There’s no way out of here. It’ll be dark soon. There is no way out of here. Whoa, sorry, went full-Torgo for a moment there. Ok, well, according to Malcolm, we need the book so let’s go get that first.
And it’s gone. Oh that’s just terrific. Okay, well I’m about 90% sure that Demonic Donald has it, so I’m sure we’ll get it back. And seeing as we can’t leave the house for another attempt to get the cross, Marie’s rosary should now be available for us to take.
It was. And it was on top of her casket instead of clutched in her hands. Fucking weird. Now that we have those, and I have no idea where the fuck the “Stone of Hammurabi” might be, what to do next? Well, a helpful friend who shall remain nameless indicated that we should check the backstage of the theater. This sounds like an immensely bad idea to me, but what do I know?
What’s that in the back?
Oh it’s Donald Dipshit’s vest. Adrienne searches it…
And finds that Christmas Ornament from back at the very beginning of the game.
So we take it, and hang right the fuck on a minute. He was carrying around that damn thing the whole fucking time??? No no no, I’m sorry, but suspension of disbelief is ruined. Even before he became possessed, any normal human being would’ve put that somewhere safe before, you know, doing extensive renovation work. And even then it should have shattered when the demon went after him and he fell off the ladder at the end of Chapter 1. Suspension of disbelief is totally ruined. Okay, aside from that stone thingamabob we have everything we need I think. Okay, trying the darkroom again…
And this time we can grab the drain cleaner and fling it in Demonic Dipshit Donald’s face! Take that Cat Killer!! (Also, I quite like the chemical burn makeup they have Donald wear for the rest of the game.)
But running downstairs results in us getting caught. And then we get strapped into the chair, and if we fail to escape somehow in time….
ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 2
Oh shit, here we fucking go, this is where the game gets goddamn gross.Running back upstairs takes us to the Solarium, and into the tunnels. There, we try to take the elevator down, but Donald Dipshit tries to bring us back up.
Luckily it’s only a short jump down for Adrienne, and off we go again! Further down the tunnels, we try to escape into Marie’s room, but
Well, Mike’s blocking the entrance being a little dead and all.
Further down, Adrienne makes a run for the crypt, and someone drops in.
So, at some point after we got the rosary, Donald Dipshit got Cyrus, and rigged him up to drop on Adrienne if she passed under him I guess. Give the guy credit, that’s attention to detail.
It’s worth noting that if you didn’t grab the snowman earlier, you can make it into the theater without being caught, and there Adrienne thinks she sees Harriet...
but it’s actually Donald in a wig.
Ok, it’s not a wig. You will be missed, you crazy garden gnome.
Back to the main pursuit, in the crypt, Donald catches up.
So Adrienne drops a gargoyle on his head. He actually recovers quite quickly from this. Also, he keeps up that insane laugh during the whole chase sequence we’re going through. Also, despite all that attention paid to his makeup at the start of the chapter, he’s strangely not wearing it, like, at all when we run into him in the dark room. Weird.
Anyway, I can’t seem to escape him at all again, and I get killed. However, when the sequence starts over, we can grab the spellbook after Adrienne Drano-s his face, but he does catch me and then he straps me back into the chair.
But this time Adrienne shows him the Snowman. He looks at it a moment, giving us the opening we need to grab at the lever on the chair….
Bye, Donald. You will not be missed.
Adrienne cries over his corpse for a moment.
Then the room starts to collapse.
Donald’s corpse sinks down through a hole in the floor.
And something comes up.
Oh this isn’t fucking good.
AHHHHHH! Okay, that is far scarier than the painting could possibly have portrayed. We have pretty much a split second to flee the room before the demon shoves his hands in Adrienne’s mouth and...
And…
Um, could you all excuse me for a moment?
(5 minutes of
later)Oh dear sweet Jesus that was gross. And that my friends was ranked one of the goriest scenes of all time, and yeah, it definitely warrants that position. Oh, and I guess, ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 3
So instead if we flee the theater…
The doors are locked and we die again. ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT:4 However, it looks like we can escape via the secret tunnel.
The only path we can go on is the one that had a big gap.
You have to click the pipe along the wall, otherwise Adrienne tries to jump it and, well, ADRIENNE DEATH COUNT: 4
So we shimmy across the plumbing, the demon chasing us in a cutscene…
Eeeew, demon slime!
Adrienne runs into a door, which she barely closes and bars in time. Down a flight of stairs…
This is it, Carno’s Secret Room and final resting place. We put the book on the altar.
Adrienne puzzles over the Latin, but deciphers that she’s to be in a magic circle…good thing there’s one already there.
Next is to place a talisman on the book. Good thing Carno kept it on him!
Adrienne next has to drip her blood onto the Stone,
which begins to glow.
Finally she holds the rosary over the Stone and recites the spell.
Bye-bye Demon fuck! It gets sucked into the book, which slams shut.
And thus did Adrienne, despite being a massive tool, walk away from the Carno House and go on to write a book about Coping With Loss (Seriously, it’s referenced in P2) without looking back. And the credits roll, with a completely inappropriate power ballad rocking out.
No, seriously.
Final Thoughts
Overall...I actually liked this game for the most part. The atmosphere is creepy, the makeup is quite good, all the music (until the end credits) contributes to the aforementioned atmosphere, and the design for the Demon is possibly one of the more original I've ever seen. By that I mean, it's not all horns and cloven hooves, instead having one big cyclopean eye and the lower body of a slug/snail.
The practical effects during Adrienne's death scenes are actually pretty convincing too, I have a hard time seeing where the actress was swapped out with a dummy.
Now, yeah, the acting is hammy as all hell. And the writing, well...it stinks. But at the same time, there's a hint of something great buried in all of Roberta's crap. If it had been filtered through a second writer, or an editor, I think it could've been sharpened up. The best actor out of the whole bunch is probably Malcolm I'd say, but I *think* he's the most experienced out of the crew.
And yeah, the graphics are pretty dated by today's standards, but back in '95 this was cutting edge, crap-your-pants stuff, so I can't really comment on that.
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