Let's Read: The Truce At Bakura!

Man, oh man, oh man....going from Thrawn and Pellaeon...hell even going from Daala...to the antagonists of Bakura is like...well, going from Tony Montana to the chuckleheads from Home Alone. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's get started.

Truce At Bakura starts up roughly twelve hours after the end of Return of the Jedi, with the Rebel fleeting floating over Endor and scrambling to repair the damage done by the battle to destroy the second Death Star. Apparently, the work's been going on for a while now, so I guess not everyone was invited to the crazy Ewok party.

Anyway, Luke is still exhausted and hurting from being fucking electrocuted, and is wondering how the hell he’s gonna explain the whole “Vader was my dad, but he killed the Emperor, so he was like, totally sorry about all the evil” thing. He heads to check on his X-wing, and finds out Wedge is already out there, flying around.

Three pages in, and already Wedge shows up. I like this book.

Turns out Wedge found some Imperial message drone, a really old model, that was sent in from the fringes of the galaxy. Luke figures someone was sending a message to old Palps, and jokes that they must not have heard about his death yet. Is twelve hours enough time for casualty reports of a massive and chaotic battle to reach the edge of known space? Can they send messages via lightspeed? I’m actually curious about this, for some reason.

Then, the mechanic says that Wedge accidentally triggered the drone to self-destruct while trying to decode its message. Luke reacts pretty much like he should and rushes into his X-wing to try to save the best character in the EU. There’s a brief moment of foreshadowing, as Luke feels a painful disturbance in the Force, but fuck that shit, Wedge is in trouble!

Luke flies out there and sees that Wedge is floating next to the drone, in a vacuum suit, manually holding the detonation triggers apart. That’s right, Wedge Antilles leapt out of his X-wing, into the cold vacuum of space, to stop a bomb from blowing up the Alliance Fleet. Wedge Antilles fucking owns.

Rebel pilots must walk past this mural every day and salute it on pain of death.

Also, Mon Mothma has it painted on the side of her van.

So, Luke shoots his lightsaber out into space via a tube in his X-wing that makes no sense except in this single scenario. He uses the Force to cut the crystals that apparently form the detonator, and medical units swarm in to help Wedge. He’s fine, but he’ll be spending most of the book in a bacta tank. Oh well.

Back in the medical bay of the Alliance flagship, the med droid tells Luke that his bones are all fucked up from electricity, and Luke reflects on his encounter with Palpatine. Apparently, the old guy messed Luke up way more then anyone realized, and the droid tells him he needs immediate treatment and lots of rest, or he’ll wind up with chronic bone electro-whatever for the rest of his life. So, Luke lays down and gets the treatment, and when he wakes up, he’s told he needs rest.

But, then some dude runs past the medbay, and Luke suddenly can’t stand the idea of not being involved in whatever disaster happens next, so he finagles a hoverchair (because wheelchairs aren’t nearly sci-fi enough) and heads off to the war room.

Just a reminder that After Earth thought that in a thousand years, wheelchairs would be segway-mounted barstools.

Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar are there, and Crix Madine is hanging out thinking about how there’s no way he’d ever get shot in the heart by a Hutt. Leia is listening in on Space Skype or something because she’s still on Endor, and there’s a “Young Lieutenant Mathews” who is specifically named but only given one line. They’ve decoded the message from the old-ass drone, and here’s what’s up:

There’s a planet on the far edge of fucking nowhere called Bakura. The Imperials hold it, because it is a mining world that produces lots of...uh, rocks and shit. Oh, and some experimental repulsorlift technology. But they’re under attack by an alien force no one has ever seen before, so they’d appreciate if the Empire could send a Star Destroyer or three to save them from utter destruction. They’re also getting kind of worried that the aliens seem more interested in taking prisoners then just nuking the shit out of them. Considering the current state of the Empire, though, they seem pretty fucked. Luke again reflects that they haven’t heard about Palpatine’s death, but we got that already, thanks Luke.

Gee I wonder if there's a reason it's depicted as resembling Earth.

Leia points out that its up to the Alliance to save them because no one else will. She also says that helping Bakura will make them more likely to side with the Alliance, and they need all the support they can get. She volunteers to go check it out, which leads Han to volunteer to go and look after her. Mon Mothma and Ackbar concede that it’s worth looking into, and tell them to put together a strike force.

Luke is also told that he’s in no condition to go off and be Mr. Bad-ass Jedi, so he has to stay behind until he’s no longer on death’s doorstep. Luke concedes, which clearly means he will no longer be involved in the plot of this particular book.

Ah, who am I kidding? This is Star Wars, bitches! So Luke has a prophetic dream, but I won’t get into here because it reveals the invading aliens in a very vague way and trust me when I say the actual reveal will be much funnier. When he wakes up, the ghost of Obi-Wan is sitting at the foot of his bed, which is frankly pretty creepy. Doesn’t Obi-Wan have anything better to do in the afterlife? Anyway, he tells Luke that he’s not getting out of this so easily, and that he must go to Bakura. I guess returning balance to the Force not even 24 hours ago wasn’t enough, so now the ghost of a hermit he met in the desert is telling him to do more shit despite being nearly dead. Old Ben’s kind of a dick in the EU.

Actually, considering he spent 2 movies setting up Luke to go kill his old war buddy, Obi-Wan was kind of a dick in the OT too.

Apparently, the word of a ghost no one else can see is good enough for Alliance Command, because Mon Mothma and Ackbar put Luke in charge of the strike team, and tell him to do whatever Obi-Wan says. That sounds like a good plan, right?

The next scene begins by introducing us to Dev Sibwarra aboard the battleship Shriwirr. He’s doing his best to calm down an Imperial prisoner chained to an alien device. Already, Dev seems a bit off, since he’s using his limited Force abilities to get this dude to relax rather than freeing him. The device is some Saw shit, with solid bindings and tubes coming out of veins and various other horrible whatsits.

Dev’s boss, Firwirrung, asks if the prisoner is calm yet. Firwirrung is a Ssi-ruu, one of the evil invading aliens. They’re described as reptilian, roughly two meters long with beaked snouts and long muscular tails. That sounds like...nah, Star Wars has reptile dudes already. They probably look like Bossk, but really big, right? Bossk was cool, I have an action figure of him in my collection. So maybe I just read that wrong. Lemme check Wookiepedia....

Uh...

AHAHAHAHAHA, they’re literally fucking dinosaurs with guns! Talking goddamn dinosaurs with spaceships and guns! And they communicate via fucking whistles.

This is really a great example of what’s wrong with this book. Anytime there’s a scene that inspires legitimate tension or dread, that all crumbles away when you remember there’s a goddamn velociraptor standing in the corner, whistling at you. Here’s another example from Wookiepedia:

This is that nasty device the poor Imperial is hooked up to right now. But it’s impossible to pay any attention to that because your eyes are drawn to the goofy-looking lizard standing there. Ludicrous. Anyway, moving on...

This torture device is called an Entechment Rig. It sucks the life energy out of the victim so the dinos can use it to power their various droids and devices. So, basically, soul-powered batteries. It’s pointed out that human souls last longer than any other species, but they never mention why they can’t just use electricity or something. I guess that’s not evil enough.

This is starting to sound kind of familiar.

A couple of P’w’ecks, which are like a subspecies of Ssi-ruu, bring in another poor sap, and the process repeats. Dev apparently envies the guys getting enteched, but he’s kept around because he’s the only Force-sensitive the Ssi-ruu have ever encountered. He’s kind of an interesting character, Dev. He’s the son of a Jedi apprentice who never finished her training, and lived on some backwater unnamed planet until the space dinos showed up. They took him, and raised him, and he’s basically got the worst kind of Stockholm Syndrome. He’d probably be one of the more tragic characters of the EU, if he wasn’t in a book about dinosaurs using human souls to power their IPods.

The big Ssi-Ruu plan is to use a planet-load of human souls to power a massive army of war drones, so they can take over the human populated galaxy and have enough souls to power all their shit forever. Simple enough, somehow managing to be more cartoonishly evil that the Empire.

The next chapter begins with Luke showing up in command of an Alliance battleship. Bakura’s in the middle of getting its shit wrecked, so Luke sends out a message to the Imperials offering help. Commander Pter Thanas, head of the tiny force protecting Bakura, answers and admits that they need the help, rebel or not. Luke heads in, but tells Leia and Han to stay back until the fighting dies down.

He was also in the computer game Star Wars Rebellion.

Leia argues, but gets out-voted, so Han pilots the Falcon to orbit one of the other planets in the system. They mention there’s a completely derelict settlement on the planet, which explains where the dinos got the souls for their current flurry of murder-bots.

While in orbit, Han invites Leia to the ship’s main hold. Along the way, she reflects on the terrible truth Luke told her: Darth Vader was her father, too. She angsts about it, and tells herself she’ll never accept him as her father, cuz he was sort of a horrible monster and all. But Han distracts her when he busts out some Ewok wine he picked up on Endor. And then he shows her the pile of inflatable pillows Chewie set up for them. Han’s embarrassed, and mutters that its a little more blatant that what he told Chewie to do, but Leia’s totally down with blatant, and they both tumble into the love nest.

Han Solo. Space Pimp. Coming the fall, to NBC.

I'd make a joke about Ben Solo being conceived, but I'm classier than that.

Also, different continuity.

The next chapter begins with C-3PO interrupting Han & Leia’s private time. He picked up droid chatter while Chewie was flipping through comm channels, and noticed they weren’t use Alliance or Imperial codes. A brief space battle ensues, as a small group of Ssi-ruu war droids left over from the raid in the planet they’re hanging around show up. The droids get wrecked, and they fly off to rejoin Luke’s ship for safety.

So, nothing really happened except building slightly more sexual tension between Han and Leia. And after three movies worth, we don’t exactly need any more.

The scene cuts to Luke, as he orders the beginning of the assault. Apparently, I remembered wrong, because Wedge leads Rogue Squadron out into the firefight. Two things are quickly pointed out: that the alien drones are smaller than TIE Fighters, only about two meters across (like Womp Rats!), and that they have a lot of shielding for their size.

And they're little flying pyramids. They're adorable.

Wait. Pyramids.Dinosaur people. THIS BOOK IS ABOUT THE NEW WORLD ORDER!!!

In the middle of the battle, Luke reaches out to the drones with the Force and is shocked to find vaguely human presences there, two to a drone. He’s confused about how there could be human pilots in alien warships, and that all he can sense from them is misery and despair.

Generally, it’s kind of boring for a space battle. It’s all from Luke’s perspective, and he’s sitting on a command ship watching dots on a holoscreen. The dino-drones make a run at Luke’s ship, but the Falcon arrives just in time to save him. Again. The Imperials join in, making a counter attack on the dinos, and Rogue Squadron manages to blow up an alien gunship. The whistling raptors retreat to lick their wounds, but just to the edge of the system.

Blah, blah, blah, Luke sends a message back to Ackbar, telling him they’ll need more ships, then he and Imperial Commander Thanas come to a shaky alliance.

But fuck all that shit, cuz now it’s time to Meet The Bakurans!

First we meet Imperial Senator Gaeriel Captison. She’s sitting in the governor’s office awaiting an emergency meeting or something. Seeing as how she’s worrying about the well-being of her people and thinking about how snobby those jerk Imperials are, I’m guessing she’s a good guy.

Hmmm. A free-spirited young noblewoman, with a Senatorial seat, blood ties to her homeworld's non-Imperial ruler, and a bone to pick with the Empire itself? So, this book has two Princess Leias, I guess.

Her canon image even kind of looks a bit like Leia or even Padme. A little bit. This makes upcoming things uncomfortably creepy.

Also, her uncle Yeorg is Prime Minister, so she probably had an easy time landing her job.

Then Imperial Governor Wilek Nereus comes in. Nereus dresses in all black, walks around with an entourage of naval troopers wearing black, and literally looks down his nose at Gaeriel. I dunno about you guys, but I think he might be evil.

The epaulets seal it. EVIL.

Anyway, Ol’ Willy reports about the Rebels showing up, but neglects to mention that they saved them, briefly, from the soul stealing dinosaurs. A bunch of senators argue briefly, but give in to whatever Wilek wants because they’re scared of him and the military might he represents. So, this scene is basically just here to make sure we know that Wilek is bad news.

Then, we’re back to Dev. While going about his usual duties, he takes guilty pleasure in reaching out with the Force to feel some loose connection to other humans. This time, though, he feels something hugely powerful, and he kinda freaks out. The only explanation he can think of is an honest-to-God Jedi, but he thought they were all dead. Then an alarm goes off and he scrambles to a safety harness.

The safety harness is, it turns out, a net that’s attached to the wall. So, these lizards can build sophisticated devices that can harness and move intangible souls, but they can’t figure out seat belts? Is the harness supposed to protect them against Hercules or something? Why a fucking net?

Anyway, after some turbulence, Dev realizes they made the jump to hyperspace. Judging by his reaction, and the reactions of the dinos around him, this is the first clear loss they’ve suffered since the attack began. They shocked to learn one of their cruisers was destroyed, despite the fact that they are supposed to be a military vessel.

After Dev gets himself out of the stupid net, an elder Ssi-ruu named Bluescale shows up. They call him Bluescale because...well, take a guess.

The yellow eyebrow ridges?

His real name is Sh’tk’ith, but fuck typing that shit out, even the narrator just calls him Bluescale. Anyway, this lizard is in charge of Dev’s “renewals”, which is basically just extra brainwashing every so often to makes sure he doesn’t realize how retarded this whole thing is.

Dev resists the temptation to tell Bluescale about the presence he felt, because he feels this mysterious Jedi (I wonder who it could be!) is a kindred spirit. But he feels bad about lying to a bunch of Yoshis, leading to an inner conflict that will pretty much be the center of every scene involving Dev for the rest of the book. Yay?

So, with the lizards temporarily driven off, our heroes are cleared to land on Bakura. Leia argues they should land in a fancy shuttle, whereas Han insists on landing in the Falcon. This exchange brings up something that always bugged me about Star Wars: everyone’s constantly saying that the Falcon looks like a pile of shit, but I never saw it. I mean, sure if you open it up and look at the crazy-ass wiring, it becomes pretty apparent, but the exterior seems nice enough. Ah well.

Then again, a later book makes the Falcon into some kind of ship of destiny and basically a good version of Christine. Patience, we'll get to that book soon enough.

Han wins the argument, and the central cast of Star Wars lands on Bakura, along with Chewie and the droids. Governor Nereus is there to greet them, but this time he’s wearing a Tarkin-style khaki which is somehow more evil that wearing all black. Leia does shows off her diplomacy skills, which she spends much of the book doing. She also tells Nereus that Ol’ Spiffy P is dead, killed by Vader himself. Nereus only believes her because he never trusted Vader. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Luke fidget, and assumes he expects her to explain about Vader’s very brief redemption, but she refuses to.

This leads us to Leia’s subplot for the book: dealing with her parentage. Because we didn't get enough of this in Planet of Twilight. Considering Vader spent roughly half of A New Hope keeping her prisoner and torturing her, this is going to take a while, and  let's be honest, we can’t blame her. But for anyone wondering why Leia would name one of her kids Anakin, this book basically has your explanation. But not now.

So, our heroes get whisked off in a civilian shuttle to another emergency meeting of the Bakuran Senate. The trip is spent reiterating shit we already know: there’s tension between the Rebels and the Imps, the situation is made more tense by an invading fleet of dinosaurs, Han doesn’t trust any of these motherfuckers, and Leia is determined to bring Bakura into the Alliance.

When they get there, they pass through a security checkpoint and are forced to leave any weapons behind. Except Luke’s lightsaber, which he uses an old Jedi mind trick to get okayed. Luke leaves Chewie and the droids behind to stand guard on a hunch. A hunch...from the Force!

So, they go in and meet the Bakuran Senate. While Leia makes polite introductions, Luke spots Gaeriel and pops a Force boner. No, really. He senses a powerful pull towards her in the Force, despite her having no Force abilities. He spends the rest of this scene fidgeting nervously and trying not to stare, like a 13-year-old. Like father, like son, I guess.

Just please tell me Luke isn't making this face. *shudder*

Nereus plays a video for the Rebels. It’s a message Dev sent, claiming to bring them peace.

So, Dev is eager to share the joys of having your soul sucked out and shoved into a murderbot. He goes on about how the Ssi-ruu will liberate the Bakurans from their hard lives, and give them wings with which to fly through the stars. His sales pitch doesn’t really work, because he stupidly decides to show them the entechment process, which is sure to turn away a few converts.

See, it's creepy and weird, but you first noticed the fucking dinosaurs in the picture first, didn't you?

Also, Dev in this illustration looks like young Travolta...wait, is Entechment space auditing????

Does that make Bluescale Xenu????

Luke and the gang are understandably freaked out by this, along with basically everyone except Dev. After the vid, Leia decides to give a big, passionate speech about the Death Star and the Empire’s generally evilness. When she mentions Luke being a Jedi, Gaeriel shits a brick.

You see, Gaeriel is a follower of a religion called the Cosmic Balance. It’s basically super-karma, in they believe there’s only so much good fortune in the universe, and bringing it to yourself, deprives others of it. When you let go, and deprive yourself of selfishness, the goodness goes back to whoever needs it, and what comes around, goes around. When I first read this book, I thought it was a clever idea having a non-Force based religion in Star Wars, something I’d never seen before. Rereading it now, it strikes me as kind of silly, largely because the religion apparently has no other tenants or practices other than being My Name is Earl in space.

Also, their holy symbol is just a pixelated yin-yang. 

Anyway, Jedi go against the Cosmic Balance because they bring so much power and good luck to themselves. Even if they use that power and luck to help others, this still makes them massive sinners in the eyes of the Cosmic Balance, a cosmic shame, if you will. As such, they thought Order 66 was a marvelous idea. Because they're kind of stupid.

Could Gaeriel possible learn to accept other faiths now that she’s been confronted by a good-looking young man with different beliefs? Is this really a subplot in a Star Wars book involving space dinosaurs and soul stealing machines? Keep reading to find out!

We return to the Bakuran Senate, where Leia is still trying to convince Governor Nereus of a truce. He’s resistant, but generously offers to give the Rebels a head start if they want to leave. One of the senators threatens revolt if Nereus turns away help at their hour of need, so Nereus reluctantly agrees to consider the arrangement. In the meantime, he gives the Rebels access to whatever files they have on the Ssi-ruu, or Fluties as the Bakurans like to call them, and has a guide take them to their temporary quarters.

Back at their plush, but probably bugged to all hell, Imperial hotel, Leia confers with Luke about the Force impressions he got from the Senate. He tells her they were scared and mistrustful, but generally eager for any help they could get, which Leia had already suspected. There’s a also a brief dialogue about Leia’s daddy issues, which reveals the big three have made some sort of secret pact not to tell anyone about Leia or Luke’s relation to Vader until Leia is ready to. Expect this to come up a lot in any scene involving Leia.

Anyway, Luke gets a message from Commander Thanas, asking him to meet him at the Imperial garrison. The space dinos are back, in a blockade just outside the defenders’ attack range. He alone is invited, making Han and Leia pretty nervous. Luke blows them off, and he and R2 leave for the garrison.

Along the way, he starts thinking about Gaeriel and I start dying a little inside. He apparently felt her disgust at the mention of the Jedi in the Force, which makes him even more smitten. Luke likes it when they play hard to get, I guess. But he decides that now that he knows she hates everything he believes in, he simply has to get to know her better. And I/you thought the constant Callista mooning was fucking painful.

After a fairly impressive scene of Luke being led through the oppressive and gray Imperial garrison, he finally meets Thanas face to face. Thanas is actually a pretty cool guy, who despite his caution in dealing with the Rebels, genuinely wants to defend the Bakurans against the dinos, whatever it takes. Also, he's pretty cool despite his name being goddamned "Pter". JUST CALL HIM PETER, WE HAVE LUKES IN THIS GALAXY FOR GOD'S SAKE.
Sorry. He even got stuck with the shit duty of dicking around Bakura for refusing to wipe out a population of alien slaves. They exchange information in a very guarded manner, and discuss the invaders for about two hours, and the book helpfully skips over this so we can get back to Luke thinking about Gaeriel. Well, thank fuck for that, I was almost entertained!

Now, we’re back to Leia, who’s brooding about Vader again. I warned you. Luckily, this time its interrupted by a message from Prime Minister Captison. He’s invited her and her companions to a fancy dinner party. Surely, his niece Gaeriel will be there; perhaps she and Luke can discuss theology while Leia debates Imperial policy with the Prime Minister. Maybe Han will create a scandal by using the wrong spoon. Oh, how delightfully droll, I simply cannot wait!

Hey, can we go back to the space-velociraptors? Because at least they're fucking hilarious.

Wish granted! So, we’re back to Dev. Again, he’s conflicted over whether or not to tell his masters about the presence he felt in the Force. Still, he intends to go see Bluescale anyway, since it would look suspicious if he avoided him. He wanders around the ship for a while, and stops in on the bridge. Here, he reflects on the unique shielding system around the bridge: apparently a strong enough hit would reverse it, or something, and kill everything inside. Which sounds like the worst shield in the history of shields.

Eventually, he finds Bluescale, and Bluescale puts him in a cage and injects him with something. He works a little bizarre lizard reverse psychology, by pissing off Dev by making him remember what the Ssi-ruu did to his home world, then telling him he must never show anger. I don’t get it either. Then, he injects him with some really strong shit, and Dev blabs about this mysterious Jedi before happily falling asleep.

Well he looks a little less Travolta-y here...but now he kinda looks like a hobbit.

And then, we’re back with Gaeriel, and I find myself wishing for more disturbing lizard brain-washing. I might have said earlier that the Gaeriel romance subplot wasn’t that bad, but it’s only tolerable when you compare it to the Etain horseshit from the Traviss books (Patience again, her day is coming). Anyway, she had a nightmare where Luke transformed into Dev and sucked out her soul. When she wakes up, she puts on some music and starts thinking about the same bullshit she’s been thinking about in every other scene: space karma, Luke, and the conflict therein.

Her aunt shows up and tells her about the dinner party. Yes, that’s still happening. It also turns out Governor Nereus will be there. It’s also abruptly mentioned that Nereus wants to bone Gaeriel, which is odd, since in both scenes involving the two of them earlier he almost completely ignored her.

And now we come to the dinner party, which is sort of a microcosm of every about this book that bugs me. Basically, we are presented with a scene, a scene in which multiple things are happening. And the focus is always placed on the least interesting event. Here, at the dinner party, Leia is discussing the Alliance with the Prime Minister and a Senator Belden, the Prime Minister’s wife is fawning over Chewbacca, and Han is doing his very best not to start shooting at Governor Nereus. So, in a scene in which Leia is openly attempting to recruit members of the planet’s senate into the Rebel Alliance, where do you think the focus is?

If you guessed awkward small talk between Luke and Gaeriel, congratulations! You are correct, and doubly lucky because you didn’t have to read this shit.

Luke is struck by her different colored eyes, and tries to find out why she’s leery about Jedi.

“I have...religous difficulties with your kind.” That caught him like a kick to the stomach. Ben and Yoda taught him that the Force embraced all religions.

Really? When was that? As far as I know, the closest thing to religion mentioned by any of the films was just The Force. “May the Force be with you” was thrown around like “God bless you” anytime someone sneezed. But, whatever, Luke knows better than to debate religion with someone you’re trying to fuck, so he moves on to discuss the food.

Apparently, Bakura produces namana fruit, which is evidently some good shit. Gaeriel offers Luke some namana candy, and after he eats it, it triggers a “faint sense of pleasure”. Gaeriel also cautions him that its habit forming. So, the Bakurans make candy laced with drugs. That’s...kind of troubling, actually.

Fun Fact: there's a site called the "Star Wars Combine" which fan-fic'd up a ship made at Bakura called the "Namana-Class Light Cruiser". Now imagine our military coming up with something they called a "Durian-Class Carrier" and realize how fucking dumb that is.

Just as I’m beginning to wonder what other habit forming substances were involved in the creative process of this book, Nereus starts making a stink about Chewie. He tells Leia:

“I question your good taste, bringing a Wookiee to the table tonight when Bakura is fighting for its very existence against aliens!”

Han gets pissed, but Chewie is chill as hell, pointing out that the lizards are after human souls, and that he’s here not for his own sake, but help pull human asses out of the fire. With Wedge gone, Chewie will now be taking over the role of best character in the book.

Nereus continues twirling his metaphorical moustache , doing his very best to remind the reader that he’s the bad guy, scoffing at the idea of accepting help from aliens or even droids. Leia fires back by pointing out that in the recording earlier, Dev said the Ssi-ruu had made some sort of vague deal with ol’ Palpatine. Luke guesses that Palps made a deal to hand over Bakura in exchange for a few of those spiffy little soul-droids. For some reason, everyone just goes back to talking about whatever the fuck they were before Nereus’ outburst.

A stormtrooper comes in a leads the governor out of the room. When he comes back a few minutes later, he announces they’ve received word from the remnants of the Imperial Fleet; Confirmation that the second Death Star is dust and Palpatine is officially dead. With no fleet coming to back him up, Nereus is suddenly much more willing to join the Rebels in a truce. He and Leia shake hands, and everyone drinks to it.

But, before the scene can end, we need to inject just a little more stupid into it. Luke turns to Gaeriel and...well, I’ll just show you.

If only the evening could last for a week. Ask to see her again!--Was the suggestion Ben’s or his own impulsiveness?

Let's be serious though. Who wouldn't want Ewan McGregor as their space-wingman??? Just look at that suave motherfucker.

We return to Dev, surrounded by his lizard bosses, explaining the presence he felt once again. They’re very interested, even more so when Dev tells them the Force User was certainly very powerful. He then helpfully points out that the Jedi could reach human spirits through the Force over great distances. At this point, Firwirrung (who’s in charge of the soul sucking Entechment process, and whom I will be referring to as Shang Tsung) comes up with the idea of using the Jedi as a sort of Force-based fishing net for souls, allowing them to entech victims over vast distances. Does that count as a super weapon? If it does, it’s easily in the top three most ridiculous super weapons.

Just a reminder that as of this article's writing in August of 2017, the list of Superweapons on this blog has included the Sun Crusher, the World Devastators, the Galaxy Gun, Eclipse-class Star Destroyers, the Eye of Palpatine, the Darksaber, droids packed with explosives, and a zombie plague.

And this is the one I'm calling bullshit on.

As Shang Tsung and Bluescale pressure Dev for a name and location of the Jedi, he starts to realize that they don’t care about him; he’s just a tool. As the stockholm syndrome wears off, he starts to get angry, but Bluescale doses him with another unnamed drug. Then, Dev does as they ask and reveals the name of their quarry: Luke Skywalker! And I bet you guys thought it was Chewie.

Dev recovers, still aware of the years of torture and manipulation, but he hides it because his tormentors are still giant fucking lizards. He apparently does a good job, because Shang Tsung loosens the leash, so to speak, and gives Dev a bit more freedom around the ship. Later, while he’s supposed to be sleeping, Dev decides to try to reach out to Luke, to warn him. He knows that Bluescale will “renew” him sooner or later, regardless of how he acts, so he needs to act immediately.

Meanwhile, Luke wakes up from a fitful nightmare. He’s nearly convinced that he’s the focal point of the invasion, that something is trying to warn him that the dinos are after him specifically. At first, he dismisses it as his own ego, but he’s not so sure it was just a dream. Considering he had a prophetic dream at the beginning of this very book, there’s really no reason for him to be so skeptical now, but whatever. He wonders if Ben made a mistake in sending him here, and I wonder if he’s capable of making decisions without the help of ghosts.

We go back to Dev, who awakens from his trance to find that Bluescale has come looking for him. Apparently, the Ssi-ruu ship captain, Ivpikkis or as I like to call him Javier, has a job for Dev that requires immediate renewal. Dev freaks out, thinking Bluescale will discover his deception in the process. He decides to use the Force to “plunge willingly into the renewal trance, bypassing Bluescale’s hypnotic awareness”, which will conceal his attempts to warn Luke but allow the renewal to completely wipe away all the humanity Dev has managed to recover. So, he sacrifices himself in the hope that he gave Luke a chance to save millions of human lives.

When he wakes up after the renewal, he remembers nothing. Bluescales says he now has only “thoughts, memories and emotions that will strengthen you”. Dev is suddenly back to his fanatic devotion to the dinos, only cranked up to 11. And he happily goes with Bluescale and Sheng Tsung to receive his new mission.

Credit where credit is due: this is one of those parts that makes me think that Kathy Tyers, the author of Truce at Bakura, is actually a pretty good writer at times. Even amidst a plot about whistling dinosaurs planning to kidnap a space wizard so they can steal human souls, we have a heartfelt scene where a character literally gives up everything in order to gives someone else the slightest bit of hope. Like I said before, Dev is a genuinely tragic character, and the first time I read this book, he was basically the reason I kept going.

But I want to warn you all: this scene is not indicative of the rest of the book. So enjoy it while it lasts.

Luke is woken up by an urgent call about disturbance at the landing bay the rebels are using. He decides to wake up Chewie for some extra muscle, and heads off. When they get there, it turns out a bunch of Bakurans have a pair of Ssi-ruuk pinned down in the hangar! Have the dinos landed? Luke’s skeptical, and he tells Chewie to stand back to crack some skulls if anyone gets trigger happy.

Luke heads inside, and low and behold, no dinos. Instead, a pair of very scared Mon Cal’s are bunkered down behind the Falcon. Poor guys were just trying to take some shore leave and walked into a gunfight. They ended up killing two Bakurans in self-defense, which makes me wonder why a pair of confused and startled ship jockeys are better shots than trigger-happy rednecks looking for trouble.

Luke confronts the rednecks, showing them that fishmen look slightly different than velociraptors, but the Bakurans still say them durn aliens better keep th’ hell off their land, then spit into a jug. Luke is suspicious that there’s more to this, and does a light mind probe on the lead hick. Turns out Governor Nereus payed them to keep a close eye on the rebel landing pad, just in case the Ssi-ruu decided to invade via that one specific hangar. Luke is pretty annoyed, and tells the Bakurans to fuck off, and to tell Nereus to shove it.

We cut back to Leia, awoken by 3P0 and going about her morning business as the sun rises. She steps into the main room of their temporary apartment, and she stumbles upon a faintly glowing figure standing by the window. She demands the figure identify himself, and he turns...

Aw, fuck.

So, Vader appears, doing the whole Force ghost thing. He says to tell Luke that fear leads to the dark side. Leia doesn’t recognize him, so he just blurts out “I am your father.” It’s like his fucking catchphrase at this point. As soon as Leia realizes who he is, she goes from startled and annoyed to flat out pissed. Vader (he’s never referred to as Anakin in this scene) senses this, and warns her that anger leads to the dark side as well.

She basically tells him to fuck off. He pleads with her, telling her he’s not the man, the monster, she knew. He admits there’s no justifying his actions as Darth Vader, and that he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he’s come seeking her forgiveness. Apparently something’s changed in the ethereal realm or some shit, so ghost like him and Obi-Wan won’t be able to show up anymore after this. It’s his last shot at reconnecting with his daughter, and he’s basically begging forgiveness.

It’s a sweet scene, until Leia drops this gem:

“I can almost forgive you torturing me.” He (Vader) bowed his head. “And the evils you did to other people -- because those drove so many worlds into the Alliance. But cruelty to Han...no. If you want to go through me, you won’t get his forgiveness. Never.”

Nothing seems wrong with this statement, except a few paragraphs ago, she blamed Vader for the Death Star blowing up Alderaan. So, she’s willing to forgive Vader for murdering the people who raised and cared for her, destroying her home, and wiping out almost everyone she’d ever known, but that thing with the sparky chair and the carbonite that Han walked away from almost completely unharmed? That’s too far, buddy.

Han beats planet.

It also bugs me that earlier in the book she was ranting to herself about how Bail Organa was her true father, but she apparently got over that sometime during the dinner party.

Anyway, Vader says that “Never” is a strong word, but Leia doesn’t budge. She tells him he’ll never get forgiveness from her, so he might as well stop trying. Vader just sighs and tells her he won’t be able to appear to her anymore. But he’ll be watching, and listening in case she changes her mind.

Leia flips her shit and storms out of the room, running into Han & 3PO who have no idea that anything ghost related just happened. Leia switches off the poor droid, and throws a tantrum, ranting and punching walls, while Han tries to calm her down. She snaps at him, so he gives up and backs off. She then apologizes, saying “It’s the Vader in me.”

Han replies by saying “No, it’s the Skywalker in you.”

The name doesn’t trigger the same hatred that “Vader” did, and she briefly wonders what kind of man Vader was before the mask. Well, I’ve seen the prequels, honey, and you’re gonna be disappointed.

Exhibit A.

Anyway, she still decides not to forgive her father, but Han cheered her up enough that she kisses him, and they start making out.

But then the comm rings! That’s some wacky sitcom hijinks, for ya! Anyway, it’s Luke, and he says some shit just went down. He tells them about the shooting at the docks, and Leia worries that the incident will fuck up the whole treaty. She volunteers to deliver the bad news to the families of the two Bakurans killed in the incident, but senses something troubling Luke. He says he’ll tell her about it later, since he doesn’t trust the comms.

Leia realizes she’s late for a meeting with the Prime Minister, and Luke decides to talk to Senator Belden, because he thinks the old guy’s more sympathetic than most to the Rebel cause. Han just wants all this shit over with so he can get away from the soul-sucking space dinos. Dude knows what’s up.

Did you forget about the space-raptors? Because I didn't. I can't.

We’re about halfway through the book now, and almost all of it has been repeating the same stuff we knew in chapter 3. Goody. So, now we’re on to some new information, for better or worse. But first, Luke stops by the hangar bays to check on the aftermath of the shootout last update. Short story shorter, everything’s fine. Captain Manchisco, who is technically in charge of Luke’s flagship, mentions that she has a feeling this will be the last time she and Luke see each other. Ominous.

Now, if you don’t remember Manchisco, it’s because I didn’t mention her before. And I didn’t mention her before because she is completely irrelevant except for flavor text. She’s got a sweet-ass name, though. Manchisco.

Anyway, Luke goes to Senator Belden’s house and rings the doorbell. Oh, wait, I’m sorry he “touched the alarm panel”, because doorbells are for cavemen. The door opens and...aw, fuck, it’s Gaeriel again. She explains that Senator Belden isn’t there, but a voice calls out from behind her, saying “Let him in, Gaeri, let him in.”

Madam Belden is there, and Gaeriel says that the old woman’s not well. Apparently, her caretaker had a family emergency, so Gaeri’s have tea with her this morning. Luke says he’ll just say hello and be on his way. Madam Belden, more commonly referred to as Eppie, identifies Luke as her son Roviden. Gaeriel says she thinks every young man is Roviden, and that he died years ago during an Imperial purge. She tells Luke to play along, so he does.

Basically, Eppie’s suffering from trauma induced alzhiemer’s. Except not, because when Luke senses her in the Force, he can tell her brain has been deliberately tampered with. Apparently, the Empire fucked with her brain cells or something, instead of just killing her for being a rebel. Why did they do this? Shits and giggles. Really, there’s no explanation for this, probably because it’s already too stupid to dwell on.

So Luke decides to use the Force to help her, even though it might kill his chances of getting to third base with Gaeriel. He sort of mentally implants the information that something is broken in Eppie’s brain, and the method of using the Jedi’s healing meditation, right into the old broad’s head, then she smiles and falls asleep.

Luke Skywalker: Actual Brain Surgeon

Luke then explains what he did to Gaeriel, and she’s less combative about it because it could help someone close to her. She then asks why he’s here, and he awkwardly explains the whole shootout incident again, in a rare moment where repeating information makes sense. He tells her how he suspects Nereus of general dickery, and that if Senator Belden has any information, to contact him. As he goes to leave, Gaeriel says “Luke, thank you for trying.”

And he floats off on cloud nine because she used his name. Apparently three movies worth of emotional growth means absolutely dick when faced with a pair of tits.

Before I go off on a rant about Luke regressing to a thirteen-year-old, we switch over to Leia, Han, and the droids meeting Prime Minister Captison. Leia apologizes for being late, and offers to contact the families of the deceased. Captison agrees that that’s a good idea, and mentions he got a report from Thanas that the Ssi-ruu are moving closer to the planet’s defense web. Fucking finally. Leia and Han are both surprised to learn that Thanas would be nice enough to report to the Prime Minister who technically ranks below him (occupying Imperial force, and all that), but this really just comes up to remind the reader that Thanas is a cool guy, despite his job description.

Leia brought the droids in the hopes that they could make some headway in translating Ssi-ruu chatter. Captison plays some recordings for 3PO of whistling dinosaurs, but 3PO’s stumped. But R2 can replicate the whistles almost perfectly. So the whistling dinosaurs sound like R2-D2? Why are we supposed to be scared of them again? Oh, right, soul-sucking machines that make no sense. I almost forgot. Anyway, R2 and 3PO get the job of going through all the recordings and trying to crack the Ssi-ruu language. Sounds fun.

I was gonna make a joke about them bickering like an old gay couple but I got distracted for some reason.

We switch over to Nereus now, chowin’ down on Bakuran candied LSD, and thinking about the current state of the Empire. He makes the lofty goal of waiting for a new Emperor to be named, then kissing his ass shamelessly. Nice plan. There’s also a brief mention of his childhood hobbies: alien parasitology and alien dentition. How...foreshadowy.

Then he gets a personal call from the Ssi-ruu fleet, and rushes back to his office to receive it. It’s Dev, and he has a pretty sweet offer. Hand over Skywalker, and the Ssi-ruu will leave Bakura. Nereus doesn’t trust the dinos for a second, but he doesn’t like the rebels either. He tells Dev he has to “make arrangements” and starts scheming, likely while rubbing his hands together and laughing diabolically.

Ok, we need Hiddleston in a future Star Wars movie ASAFP.

Meanwhile! Gaeriel is looking for Eppie’s criminal record, but finds it’s hidden under piles of Imperial restrictions! So, they really did do that stupid, pointless mindwipe thing! But why? One of her aides comes in a tells her that they’ve managed to find out that Nereus plans to hand Luke over to the dinos!

Even though it may go against her religion that she constantly brings up, Gaeriel decides to help Luke because he was nice to an old woman. Yep.

We rejoin Luke, heading back to his temporary apartment, annoyed and tired after a long day of talking to old women and doing Commander-y things. When he gets there, he lays down for a minute, then the doorbell rings. It’s Gaeriel. Didn’t we just have an awkward romance scene? Luckily, she’s here to warn Luke about Nereus’s devious plan to hand him over to the Ssi-ruuk. The place is bugged, so Gaeriel uses a jammer in bursts of two seconds at a time to relay her message, making harmless small-talk while the jammer’s off.

Then, Gaeriel offers to order a meal for the two of them, and Luke decides the time for business is over, it’s now time to once again revisits this pointless and out of place religious debate! Again, it goes nowhere, but Luke decides to stop pressing his luck and to respect her beliefs. Well, I’m glad we dedicated another page and a half to that!

So the food arrives, and guess what happens? Luke brings up the Cosmic Balance vs the Force debate again. Less than half a page after he decided to drop it. Again, it’s the same argument, but this time it turns towards the Empire, and whether they or the Rebels are really the bad guys. Having seen the Star Wars megathread over in GBS, I can easily say this is the most boring version of the seemingly immortal topic. Gaeriel points out that the Empire brings stability, and Luke points out that its easy to stabilize shit when you blow up the wobbly part.

The Very Face of Stability according to Gaeriel.

Anyway, dinner’s over, Gaeriel leaves, and Luke heads up to the roof to sulk. He tries in vain to call on Obi-Wan, or Yoda. He even tries calling Vader, but no spirits answer him. But Leia shows up, having heard his distress through the Force. They chat for a page and a half about love. Luke wonders about having children, and envisions what his and Gaeriel’s offspring would look like. Because that’s not creepy, even though he literally just met her two days ago. He mentions how his children, and Leia’s, would be at risk of falling to the Dark Side, Hayden-Christianson- style.

...no comment.

He mentions their mother, and Leia gets annoyed.

She tells Luke about her visit from Daddy, and about his warning that “Fear is of the Dark Side.” Leia goes on about how she’ll never forgive Vader for his evil, and Luke just shrugs it off. The scene goes on for a bit, but they both end up heading back to their respective rooms, unchanged and with no new information because the scene was pointless.

But oh shit, it’s DINOSAUR TIME, BITCHES!

We cut over to Dev on the Ssi-ruu ship, checking out the bitchin’ new entechment rig they built for Luke. His master Firwirrung (aka Shang Tsung), has him step himself into the rig for a test. Dev, having been freshly brainwashed, you remember, gladly obliges. This special rig has some sort of spine-number, that temporarily cuts off all feeling below the waist, because this will apparently help with “long-term confinement”. Then, Bluescale (aka Ol’ Scaly Bastard) and Admiral Ivpikkis (aka Ivan the fucking dinosaur) come in with a fresh human captive. Dev is weak in the Force compared to a bona-fide Jedi, but he’s strong enough for this short-range test.

Basically, the rig uses Dev as a medium, a tool to extract the soul, then funnel it through him down into a battle droid. It works, but the process is emotionally draining, even through Dev’s fanatical devotion to the cause. And it apparently has mind control built into it, too, just in case Luke’s not completely down with this whole plan.

Are we sure this isn't Scientology?

To prove it, Bluescale tells Dev to stab a knife through his own hand, which he does almost instinctively. Then, Bluescale decides to test if long stays in the rig effect the subject, so the three Ssi-ruuk leave Dev hooked up for several hours.

Turns out, after several hours of being left along, strapped to a nasty device, a knife wound in his hand and an itchy nose, Dev begins to resent his saurian masters, even with the brain-washing. When they come back, they couldn’t possibly care less that Dev is miserable and in pain, because according to his life sign readout thingy, the machine works! They even talk about how expendable he is, right there in front of him.

Just as Dev starts to get angry, they drag in another human, and its time for the final test. Can the machine work when the Force-powered medium is unwilling? Yep, it can, despite the pain it causes Dev. After a brief “renewal”, Dev is back to willing servant mode, celebrating with Shang Tsung the glorious new device they have built. Only one thing is missing: Skywalker!

So, we return to a meeting between Governor Nereus, Commander Thanas, Not-Quite Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo, Space Pimp. They're meeting about strategies and war plans and whatnot, and Thanas mentions their new fancy DEMP guns. Basically, guns that shoot EMPs to take out the Ssi-ruuk drones. As far as I know, Ion Cannons already do everything an electromagnetic pulse does in the Star Wars universe, but whatever.

Oh right, EMP guns are canon.
Oh right, that happened long after this book was written.
Oh right, the prequels sucked.

During the conversation, Nereus slips out a discreet medical scanner and directs it towards Luke. It turns out the dinner he ate with Gaeriel was tampered with! Nereus had slipped the eggs of an alien parasite into it! And the eggs are hatching! Looks like Luke is completely doomed. Yeah, this is part of Nereus's plan to hand Luke over to the dinos: the parasites will weaken him enough to be taken, then kill him before the Ssi-ruuk can use him for any sinister purposes. Even better, the parasites might spread to the Ssi-ruuk and wipe them out. Not actually a bad plan, all things considered.

Aside from Nereus's plotting, Thanas lays out the plan to hit the Ssi-ruuk hard with a counter offensive the following night. Again, Imperials and Rebels are coordinating to deal with this outside threat, so it's basically a set-up for the book's big climatic battle.

Meanwhile, Leia meets discreetly with Prime Minister Captison and Senator Belden. They go for a drive in an unmarked speeder, and Belden has one of those bug-jammer thingies so they can talk without anyone listening in. Basically, Leia spends her time trying to encourage them to rise up against the Empire in the form of a bloody revolution. Right now. In the middle of a dinosaur-related siege. Sounds good to me!

But, oh no! They've been found! A pair of Imperial speeders start herding them back across town! But how did they know?

Then we switch over to 3PO and R2. They've cracked the Ssi-ruu's diabolical code of whistles! And what's more, they find out about the plot to hand Luke over to the dinos! 3PO hurries off to tell Luke about things he already knows, and we jump back to Leia.

Leia gets out of the speeder to find a group of Stormtroopers waiting for them. Because she's such an amazing diplomat, she starts shooting, killing five of them before one stops her and takes her gun. Then Nereus shows up, and she starts indignantly playing innocent even though she just shot and killed five soldiers without provocation. Nereus doesn't buy it, even though he makes no mention of the men laying dead at his feet, so Leia taps into her bevy of negotiation skills and fucking full-body tackles that bitch! She gets Nereus pinned, but a Stormtrooper remembers they have guns, and hits her with a stun shot.

The number of times Leia's been stunned in the movies and EU, you'd think she'd have developed an immunity to the things.

Truly, Leia Organa is the greatest diplomat in galactic history. So, since Leia suddenly turned into a Renegade play-through of Mass Effect, she gets put in Bakuran prison. Guess it's time to break her out!

Han drops Luke off at the shuttle bay cantina, where he waits for a shuttle back up to the Rebel command ship. On his way back to the apartments, Han hears the announcement of an immediate curfew, being enforced with prejudice following the capture of Prime Minister Captison and Princess Organa. He flips his shit, and speeds back to the apartments, where 3PO is currently flipping out. 3PO's panicking, partly because he's 3PO, but mostly because tons of shit is going down: Gaeriel showed up and took R2, Leia got imprisoned, and the Ssi-ruu whistling he decoded means that they're planning to come for Luke right the fuck now.

Suddenly, stuff is happening in this book, and I don't know how to handle it!

Han has 3PO hack into the computers to find out where Leia is being held. Then, Han starts hatching the Best Plan Ever ™. First, he has 3PO run out into the hallway, right past the Stormtroopers stationed outside, screaming in tongues and waving his arms around. The poor troopers don't know what the fuck, and Han sneaks up and Solid Snake's their asses.

Han Solo: Master of Stealth

Then, as if to reward me for reading through all the awkward romance shit earlier, he has 3PO dress up in the Stormtrooper armor, so he can steal a speeder and go warn Luke.

So Han Solo helps C-3PO, who is currently dressed as a Stormtrooper and wielding a blaster rifle, carjack some random Bakuran guy, then sends the robot whose arms can't bend driving off with his vision obscured by a helmet that doesn't fit.

I knew there was a reason I loved you, Han.

Meanwhile, Luke's chillin' in the cantina, when 3PO calls him up and tells how real shit just got. Also that he's disguised as a Stormtrooper, so please tell Chewie not to shoot him. Luke then hatches his own plan, but in comparison to Han's, it's doomed to be boring as shit.

Turns out Nereus is keeping Leia in his palatial Hollywood estate up in the foothills outside the city. So Han steals another speeder, and zips off. He picks up some Imperials on his trail, and try as he might, can't shake them. So, he aims for the side of Nereus's estate, jams the steering-wheel, and bails, smashing the speeder into the foothills in a massive kick-ass explosion. Then, while the Imperials are going “The fuck?!” he sneaks up, blasts a security droid, and slips into the Estate. Han owns.

I'd play it.

Inside, Leia's fucked with one of the repulsor chairs, hovering several feet in the air above the door, ready to smash the fuck out of anyone who comes in. Luckily, Han calls her name out first, and avoids an unfortunate but very amusing death. Turns out, Leia's living pretty good in captivity. Nereus is keeping her as a gift for the next Emperor, and treating her quite well. She even has a fireplace! Ignore the fact that there's no one in line for the Emperor seat, and Nereus would basically be holding her indefinitely since the Imperial leadership is basically still just shitting their pants and blaming each other.

Then, Han looks at her crazy tricked out hover chair, and comes up with yet another idea. For the first time since the start of this book, I'm actually looking forward to the next chapter. I'm just as shocked as you are.

So, we return to Gaeriel, visiting her senile friend Eppie. Remember her? She hasn't been mentioned for several chapters, and she only had a single scene, but she's back! Gaeriel is shocked to find Luke's mind heal cured Eppie of her senility, making her energetic and lucid once again. So, she's already planning a bloody revolution against the Empire. How delightfully deranged.

Gaeriel apparently still has some semblance of sanity, and points out that openly fighting the Empire while space dinosaurs are trying to kill them might be a bad idea. Eppie calls her a pussy, and goes into a nihilistic rant about how they're all gonna die anyway, so they might as well pick their own deaths. Gaeriel is utterly unable to argue with this logic because Gaeriel is retarded. So she agrees to be down with this revolt, and even goes back to her office to help.

How does she help? Well, she uses R2 to hack into the Imperial computers and fuck with the Stormtroopers' comm systems. So, while small groups of angry Bakurans start rioting, the Stormtroopers can't coordinate properly to deal with it.

By the way, the Ssi-ruuk attack is coming in less than an hour. Bakurans have the worst possible timing.

Meanwhile, Chewie is chillin' after getting the Falcon back in working order, when a speeder lands nearby and a Stormtrooper stumbles out. Chewie doesn't like the look of this, so he sets his blaster to stun (Do bowcasters have different settings?), and fires off the warning shot. The trooper keeps coming, stumbling drunkenly, so Chewie decides fuck it, and shoots the bastard.

For some reason, he thinks the armor might come in handy, so he drags the trooper on-board to satiate his kleptomania. He pulls off the helmet, and there's a golden face staring back at him. C-3PO, under orders from Han Solo, dressed up like a Stormtrooper, stole a civilian speeder, and took a stun blast in the chest from Chewbacca. As poor Chewie wonders what the fuck, I consider taking back everything bad I said about this book.

But then we get another scene with Luke and Gaeriel, so I stand by my “This book sucks” sentiment. Gaeriel uses R2 to track Luke down to the dockside cantina somehow, and arrives just in time to tell him shit he already knows. Leia and the Prime Minister were arrested, the city is breaking out into riots, Ssi-ruuk are on the way to capture Luke, and the Ssi-ruuk fleet is about to start fucking shit up. Luke acts as though he's receiving new information despite the fact that he talked to Han about this same shit in the last chapter.

Luke tells Gaeriel to use R2 to assist in the whole horribly timed revolution, which is good, I guess, since she already did that. Then, he feels a disturbance in the Force, and he tells Gaeriel to get out of Dodge because the Ssi-ruuk are already here! Seriously, they are in the cantina's kitchen. No, I don't know how they got in there, or why they went for the kitchen when their target is basically right by the front door. But that's where they are.

Suddenly, Stormtroopers burst into the Cantina, and the Ssi-ruuk burst out of the kitchen, led by Bluescale and Dev. Dev starts preaching the word of the soul-sucking lizards, as Luke realizes the troopers are there to help the dinos carry him off. Dev even graciously offers to take Gaeriel, too, since he can feel Luke's attachment to her in the Force. Luke says to leave her out of it, but still offers to talk with the Ssi-ruuk because he's kinda dumb.

A Stormtrooper steps forward, ready to grab Gaeriel. He says “The Fluties want her. This time, the Fluties get what they want.” I guess that's supposed to sound ominous? Anyway, Luke says no and snaps on his lightsaber.

Aw yeah, time for a Jedi VS Dinosaur! Not quite yet, because the Ssi-ruuk just kind of stand around and let the Stormtroopers start shooting up the place with stun blasts. Luke goes into a fairly standard, “Jedi deflecting blaster shots” routine, which is weird, because I thought lightsabers couldn't deflect stun blasts. But he does mind trick two Stormtroopers into shooting each other, which is pretty hilarious.

With all the Stormtroopers dead...er, stunned I mean, Luke turns his attention to the lazy ass Ssi-ruuk. They all pull out stun rods, and Luke tells Dev to tell them that a lightsaber is not a stun weapon. If they attack him, he'll be forced to kill them.

Reminder: Luke can and will fuck your shit up.

Dev starts flipping out about how they can't die away from their homeworld, otherwise they won't get into evil lizard heaven or some shit. Ssi-ruuk only get into their weird afterlife if they die on their homeworld's soil. That's why they use battle droids powered by the souls of lesser creatures. So they can get into heaven.

This book has introduced two non-Force based religions, and both of them are completely retarded. I'm beginning to think the author had a bone to pick with organized religion, but at least she's subtle about it, unlike some authors. I'm referring to Karen Traviss, by the way.

Anyway, the dinos decide to go after Gaeriel instead for basically no reason, and Luke Skywalker finally fights the primary antagonists of the novel.

So, the Ssi-ruuk stun rods project a beam of energy like a lightsaber, but it just kind of knocks you out instead of cutting you up. Luke tries to block one, but it goes right through his blade and through his midsection, except its set to “Be Shit” mode or something, so all it does is make him tingly. He slices a claw off the attacker, who is clearly Firrwirrung due to the V-shaped crest on his head, and Dev again starts pleading with Luke to stop.

The dinos press the attack, so Luke ignores the whining and continues fighting. One of the red shirt Ssi-ruuk hits Gaeriel with a stun beam, knocking her flat out. Luke overreacts a bit, thinking she's dead, and lops his big stupid dino head off.

Sentient species be damned, if I was Luke I'd mount that motherfucker in my mancave.

Bluescale lands a hit on Luke's leg, numbing it. Luke calls out to R2, telling him to get Gaeriel out of there, then does a crazy spin jump and cuts Bluescale's weapon in half. When he looks up, Dev has snatched up one of the stormtrooper rifles and is aiming it at his chest. Luke pulls the gun away from him with the Force, then cuts it in half with his saber in mid-air, which seems unnecessary but looks pretty sweet.

He takes the opportunity to reach into Dev's mind, to try to undo the brainwashing he could feel through the Force. Dev reels back, the fog in his mind fading. He remembers all the evils of Ssi-ruuk, all the torture and lies. Luke tells him “Hatred is of the dark side”, which really just confuses Dev. Bluescale asks what Luke just said, and Dev lies, saying he apologized for killing one of the Ssi-ruuk. Bluescale tells him to promise Luke whatever he wants, just get him to come along.

But just then, air raid sirens start going off! Could the Ssi-ruuk fleet already be attacking? Oh no! Wait a second, the air raid sirens don't get a cool Star Wars name?

We return to Luke, distracted by his attempt to pierce through Dev's brainwashing with the Force. Considering he's still in the middle of a fight, this might seem like a bad idea. And it is, because Bluescale, the elder Ssi-ruu, cracks Luke in the head with his tail, knocking him flat out. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master.

Hey, what if the entire EU was a Jacob's Ladder-type thing in Luke's head while he was upside-down in the wampa cave???

On the upside, Dev's brainwashing has been pierced, but since he's smarter than Bossk, he doesn't let on and keeps acting docile and controlled so the giant whistling dinosaurs don't just snap him in have. He helps the Ssi-ruuk assault team drag Luke back to their shuttle, the whole way contemplating the fate of mankind if the Ssi-ruu can plug a full-blown Jedi into their crazy-ass soul-extracting machine.

Basically, using a Jedi to boost the entechment process into the Force, they could rip out human souls at nearly any range instantly. So, like an invisible net, except instead of catching tuna, its souls.

Dev considers simply strangling Luke, killing the galaxy's last (Ha!) Jedi, and basically nipping their plan in the bud. But with his brainwashing gone, Dev's hesitant to murder a man, particularly the man who just saved him from mental enslavement to whistling lizards. He agonizes over it a bit, but ultimately decides that if nothing else presents itself, he'll have to kill Luke Skywalker. For the good of mankind.

We jump over to Han and Leia, in the midst of a daring escape from Governor Nereus' palatial Hollywood Estate. They crawl through the air vents stealthily, then charge onto the landing pad, shooting at everything that moves. An unclear number of stormtroopers die failing to defend Nereus' speeder collection, but Han gets shot in the foot, so it's pretty much even. Mr. & Mrs. Diplomacy steal a speeder and take off.

We get a vaguely tense chase scene, where a dozen heavily armed Imperial speeders close on our heroes. Of course, before we can actually think Han & Leia are in any sort of real danger, Rogue Squadron flies down, and scares off the Imps. Apparently, Luke called them between scenes earlier or something. Han just guesses he did, and that's the explanation we're given.

Anyway, they get to the Falcon, and we have some vaguely amusing banter about that whole “Chewie shooting 3PO” business from earlier. Chewie also tells Han that he installed some Bakuran tech on the Falcon, which I guess means the Rebels have achieved at least one of their three goals for coming to Bakura. But Han argues that the Bakuran tech will only boost shields at the cost of hyperdrive efficiency, so I guess it really wasn't worth this whole military campaign. Oh well!

A quick cut to Gaeriel, who we last saw being rescued by R2 of all people. She's being checked out by Imperial medics, but she's fine. Then, a pair of stormtroopers show up, and cart her off to Governor Nereus' office for a scene that will ultimately turn out to be completely pointless. You'll see what I mean.

So, first, Gaeriel demands Nereus tells her what the Empire did to Eppie (if you don't remember her, she's Gaeriel's elderly friend who was rendered senile by the Empire, but cured by Luke. She also only turned up in three very brief, boring scenes, so I don't blame you for forgetting). Nereus happily tells her, even though he has no reason to, that they used some sort of brain parasite, because that's more evil, I guess.

Then, Nereus tells her about the parasites he made Luke eat. He actually has a reason for it this time, because Gaeriel ate one, too! Oh no! But Nereus has the cure. Apparently, pure oxygen kills the death parasites instantly when inhaled. Nereus offers her an inhaler, and she takes a puff then coughs up a dead murder worm. Metal.

So, that scene was there specifically there to give us two pieces of information:

1) The explanation behind Eppie's mysterious disability. This information is useless because her disability has already been cured, and Eppie has already moved on. Also, she's a completely useless bit character that no one cares about.

2) The parasite cure. Now, since Luke was captured by a bonk on the head, and the parasites were not involved in any way, you could argue that the parasite subplot was already pointless (you'd be right), but surely this clearly defined cure will factor into Luke's peril, right? Eh, not so much. You'll see.

Meanwhile, Dev is desperately trying to reach the unconscious Luke through the Force, but to no avail. He does his best to play the obedient slave whenever a Ssi-ruuk so much as looks his way, but as their shuttle approaches the dino-mothership, he starts getting more and more desperate. We get an oddly biblical scene in which Dev carries the cross Luke over his shoulder as he marches through the halls of the ludicrously named alien ship. Still, he tries reaching Luke through the Force, but it ain't working.

The dinos hook Luke up to their diabolical rig, and Dev notices the door is locked behind him. Bluescale is there, and all the Ssi-ruuk are onto Dev. He smells funny, apparently, which means they can tell the brainwashing wore off. Seriously.

So Dev flips out and lunges at Luke, desperately trying to strangle the life out of him before the Ssi-ruuk can turn him into a superweapon. But he, too, suffers a bonk on the head, and is knocked out.

Luckily, it turns out Luke was just fucking with him, and was actually conscious the whole time! He had assumed direct control over one of the lesser P'w'ekks (like, seriously complete possession), and used it to clumsily kill the lights in the room. Then, he pops his restraints with the Force, and pulls his saber to him, then goes to town. He decaps a pair of dinos, but the rest flee in terror, leaving droids to fight him.

Remember, the Ssi-ruu believe they can't get into their afterlife unless they die on their home planet. So, despite being massive, deadly monsters, they're also total pussies and run away whistling. Our villains, ladies and gentlemen.

Ssi-Ruuk tactics in a nutshell.

Anyway, Luke's not too happy about having to cut down the droids, because he can sense the human souls used to power them. But he does, and Dev thinks it's all really cool. Oh, that bit about Dev getting KO'd? That didn't happen. Or it did. Literally one page after Dev gets clobbered, in the same scene, he's fully awake and marveling at Luke's escape attempt. So, I dunno, he's fine, I guess.

But, Luke fucks up the soul-bots, then he and Dev head out into the corridor. He asks about the entechment rigs, but Dev tells him there's too many for them to take out each one individually. Luke has another plan, and asks Dev to lead him down to the Engineering deck. Luke takes this opportunity, what with being aboard an enemy ship being shot at by robots, to start teaching Dev about the Jedi ways. Things such as “You have to fight, but you mustn't like it.” The rest of the EU (and most of this blog) makes it harder for me to take him seriously when he starts talking like that.

Anyhoo, as Dev leads him down a maintenance shaft towards Engineering, Luke senses all the human souls flowing around them, in every circuit and power conduit. He resolves to free these enslaved souls, mostly by breaking shit, which works pretty well.

Meanwhile, the Ssi-ruuk are running damage control, setting stun traps and readying a macgyvered entechment rig. Bluescale sends several P'w'ekks to apprehend the rogue humans....

We open on Han flying the Millennium Falcon in the big-ass space battle happening between the Imperial-Rebel allies and the Ssi-ruuk fleet. We're told that Han is juking between TIEs, and Leia is firing the laser turret, but the focus of the scene is actually on Han thinking about how he doesn't trust the Imps instead of the giant, kick-ass space battle. Honestly, at this point, I'm not surprised.

Leia tells Han she senses Luke on-board the Ssi-ruuk flagship, and he sees a bunch of escape pods blasting out of it, so he assumes she right. Oh boy, I bet that means Luke's doing some awesome shit on the lizard ship right now!

By the way, this is what the dino's ships look like. Adorable.

Actually, he's just mentally communing with the human souls powering the ship's security systems, asking them politely to turn off the electrified floors. I honestly don't know why those escape pods are launching, since the last the Ssi-ruu saw of him, he was running away into the ventilation system. Oh wait, now I remember. It's because the massive, gun-toting dinosaur aliens are actually afraid of real combat and spent the last few scenes sobbing and pissing themselves. Shit, Daala's a more intimidating villain at this point.

But, just as I'm considering throwing the book away and making up my own ending, we get a fight scene! Sort of! More of a slaughter scene, as a bunch of P'w'ecks leap out and start attacking Luke with stun paddles. In the span of a paragraph, Luke cuts their numbers in half without breaking a sweat, largely because they are awkward bipedal lizard that decided to fight a Jedi in close combat.

We have less than a hundred pages to go, so I'm gonna take the opportunity to point out all the Ssi-ruu's stupid mistakes, because they're dumb as hell.

In the fray, Dev fakes a hit and goes down, and just as even Luke starts to realize how pathetic this is, Bluescale, king shit of the dino pile, busts up in the house and starts firing a massive silver beam weapon. Luke dodges with a bunch of fancy pirouettes, then Dev leaps up onto Bluescale's back. He struggles with the beast, slamming his stun paddle into the head of the monster that brain-washed and abused him, again and again and again, venting years of suppressed rage right into the lizard's skull. The repeated shocks from the stun paddle essentially fry Bluescale's brain in its own juices, and he collapses, as the small emaciated boy he tortured stands over him, finally free.

It's such an effective scene that I actually had to check and make sure I was reading the same book. For all the book's flaws, Dev is a really well-developed character. His scenes almost make up for Gaeriel high-school romance subplot. Almost.

Dev then explains himself to Luke, who at least has the dignity not to get all self-righteous with whole “Jedi don't kill out of anger” thing. Luke is horrified to learn that this fleet is only a Ssi-ruu scouting party, and pauses to consider information the reader has known since the beginning of the book. Hey, this is Truce At Bakura after all!

They reach engineering, and Luke trashes the place to free the souls used to power the stuff. Luckily, he only crippled the ship, so they still have life support and shit. They then walk all the way to the docking bay in the span of a sentence, and find all the escape pods and shuttles are gone, because the Ssi-ruu are actually giant weepy pussies. Dev concludes they'll have to land the ship somehow, and Luke agrees because they literally have no other option.

We cut back to Han Solo and the exciting space battle we're not actually allowed to witness. Commander Thanas informs them that Governor Nereus just sent word about Luke' kidnapping, and also order to destroy the Ssi-ruu flagship if it doesn't retreat. He says it's a “contagion risk”, which confused me for a second because I forgot the parasites Luke unknowing swallowed, mostly because it's a staggeringly stupid plot point.

Leia then argues with Thanas's order to fire on the Ssi-ruuk escape pods. Thanas says that some cultures arm their escape pods, which honestly sounds like a pretty good idea, but Leia replies that its morally wrong to attack defenseless targets. At this point, though, I don't give a fuck, because the Ssi-ruu are stupid whistling space-dinosaurs and regardless of the decision, I'm not gonna get to see this fucking space battle! Dammit, Rogue Squadron is there! They're probably doing something totally rad right now, but no, let's just go back to Luke farting around the lizard ship.

Luke and Dev get to the bridge, which is abandoned for some reason, and a P'w'eck comes at them with a gun. Luke slices its arm off with tosses the gun to Dev, then demands the P'w'eck help them fly the ship. Strangly enough, the P'w'eck isn't feeling very cooperative and makes several attempts to get the gun back. Luke tells Dev to tie it up, but Dev just shoots the damn thing in the face. Luke scolds him for killing the dangerous alien that made no attempts to hide its goal of murdering them, but Dev just blows him off because seriously, dude.

We jump back to Han, and he's leading a group of X-wings into an attack run! Yes, some sweet, sweet space battle action. The X-wings get blown up (yeah, all of them.), then, using 3PO's translation program, the human forces pick up an order to retreat issued among all the Ssi-ruuk ships. So, we had almost a full half page of space battle. Yay.

Anyway, remember Manchisco? Captain of the Rebel Cruiser Luke commanded? Told Luke she'd probably never see him again? Hasn't been mention in like, 6 chapters? Me neither. But, after the fight against the Ssi-ruu dies down, the Imperial forces fire on the Rebel cruiser, blasting it out of the sky. So, she dies, just like she said she would.

RIP Manchisco. You had the coolest name in this book.
Manchisco.

Han curses about how he fucking knew this would happen, and orders the remaining Rebel forces to start fucking up some Imp shit. Wedge and the Rogues arrive, S-foils locked into attack position. Hell yes. But just then, the scene changes to...

...Gaeriel? Oh, fuck you, book. Anyway, she's still in Nereus' office, and is shocked, shocked I say, to learn that the Empire (whom she already knows destroyed a defenseless planet, pacified a dear friend of hers by literally giving her brain parasites, and is under the command of a man who is right at this moment holding her hostage) would betray the Rebels. Nereus just goes “No shit, the fuck did you think I was gonna do?” and brushes aside her complaints.

Nereus gets a brief call about rioting in the streets, but tells the stormtroopers to suppress it and moves on. Then, he and Gaeriel argue for a bit. Gaeriel, it seems, thinks Nereus is evil and evil is bad. Nereus, on the other hand, thinks evil is totally awesome and considers growing out a mustache so he can twirl it in a sinister fashion.

There are a surprising amount of images of Tom Hiddleston twirling an imaginary mustache in interviews.

Meanwhile, in space, the rebels are kind of fucked. Thanas's Star Destroyer is crippled, but it's still a Star Destroyer, and all the rebels have are the Falcon and a handful of fighters (including Rogue Squadron, who have taken down Star Destroyers under far more dire circumstances, but are too apathetic about this plot to actually do anything). 

Han comes up with a daring plan. If they ram one of the Imperial patrol ships, they can knock it into the Star Destroyer, taking out its remaining engine power and allowing the rebels to limp home. Two problems: whichever ship does the ramming will not survive the maneuver, and the Falcon is the only ship with enough mass to pull it off.

Wait, this feels familiar....

So, Han and Leia prepare themselves for a noble suicidal charge. Leia reflects on the irony of Vader's daughter killing herself to cripple a Star Destroyer so the rebel pilots may live, and comes to terms with her lineage. Remember that subplot? From waaaaaay back in Chapter 6? Me neither.

Now, there's a huge problem with this scene, besides the fact that no one really thinks anyone will be allowed to kill off Han and Leia. This book takes place before the Thrawn trilogy in the timeline, but came out after the Thrawn books. So, readers, particularly the Star Wars fans who these books are aimed at, have in all likelihood already read the Thrawn books, or at least seen the cover of one, and know that Han and Leia are perfectly fine and completely alive. There is literally zero tension in this scene because the characters in mortal danger can not die. Granted, this problem comes up in basically any book involving the Big Three, but it's particularly present in this scene.

Anyway, we jump over to Luke who reaches out with the Force to look for Leia. He finds her, and senses the whole suicide charge plan. Frantic and concerned for the timeline his sister's life, he reaches out to General Thanas, subtly urging him to make an attack run towards the Ssi-ruu flagship. This works, causing Thanas to push the Star Destroyer forward, opening a whole in the blockade for the rebels to escape through without kamikaze tactics, but Luke nearly passes out from the strain. He starts to think there may actually be something wrong with him. Like, I dunno, parasites eating him from inside or something. Just a guess.

Han is all excited that now he doesn't have to die, but Leia can sense her brother's distress in the Force. We then jump right back to Luke, so that was pointless. Luke is flipping the fuck out, pissed at Thanas for betraying him, pissed at himself for being so weak and sickly, and pissed at the Ssi-ruu for being retarded. He tells Dev to find the weapons controls, and after a few shots to test it out, Dev hits a Ssi-ruuk patrol ship, which fucking implodes.

Just then, a group of P'w'ecks bust in with Shang Tsung. While Luke fucks up the P'w'ecks, Dev aims a gun at Shang Tsung, but has a brief relapse. This was the only Ssi-ruu that had shown him genuine kindness (or at least was good at pretending to care). Shang Tsung blasts Dev with his bullshit triple fireballs stun-beam-thingie, and Dev crumples to the ground.

Luke cuts down the little fuckers, while struggling not to go all Dark Side up in this bitch, and leaps into the air. He's still airborne when a shot from Thanas' ship hits the command deck, overloading the power. Remember that bit earlier where they mentioned that a power overload would turn the bridge into an electrical hellstorm, but the Ssi-ruu didn't think to fix the wiring because they're literally barely functional retards? Well, I do, because that was fucking stupid.

Anyway, anything touching anything is fried all to shit: consoles, lights, doors, gravity generators, Shang Tsung. Everything but Luke, what with the jumping and stuff. Even poor Dev, the kid who cannot catch a break, is now floating crippled, burned and barely conscious in the darkness. Luke once again taps into Force Heal and does his best to lessen Dev's pain, when he's wracked with horrible pain and senses two tiny malicious lifeforms. Inside himself!

Leia senses Luke on death's door (spoiler: he'll be fine), and tells Wedge and the Rogues to distract the Star Destroyer and disable it before it can fire on the Ssi-ruuk flagship again. Wedge says no problem, which really just makes that whole suicide plan even more pointless because taking down Star Destroyers is literally Wedge's fucking job.

This book sucks.

So, Gaeriel is lamenting Luke's apparent death, since the shitty little Carrack cruiser just fired on the Ssi-ruuk ship he was on, and Nereus is gloating in a traditional Imperial fashion. He smugly states that Skywalker is certainly, most definitely dead, and that his plan, which isn't finished yet, has worked perfectly and that despite the massive space battle happening overhead, the rioting in the streets, and the invading aliens, he's already won.

I wasn't joking.

Nereus takes a break from his Tarkin impression to have Prime Minister Captison carted up to his office in chains. He tells Gaeriel that he will publicly execute her uncle unless she tells the people of Bakura to lay down their arms and accept Nereus as the new supreme ruler of the planet. No one mentions that killing Captison would make him a martyr and fuel the flames of revolution even further, presumably because they don't want Nereus to feel bad.

Captison squares his shoulders and tells Gaeriel not to look, preparing for death. When, suddenly, a piercing mechanical whistle tears through the room and cripples the Stormtroopers somehow. Eppie, the 132 year-old woman (yes, really), busts up in this bitch, disarms the Stormtroopers and takes Nereus hostage. Nereus is just as surprised as the reader. Eppie used R2 to do that unexplained sound trick, so the Imperial Governor and his retinue of personal bodyguards and taken down by an elderly woman with a rifle and an astromech droid.

Anyway....

Remember how Luke was buckled over in agony by the parasites eating him from inside? Well, he reaches out with the Force and finds them, two little carnivorous entities inside himself. Through the Force, he starts to lure them up and along his esophagus, ultimately spitting them out. Luke Skywalker just used the Jedi mindtrick on parasitic worms inside his own body. Yup.

Exhausted from a combination of Force exertion and ralphing, Luke almost passes out, but he hears his sister's voice calling to him. Leia's there, in a space suit, along with Han and Chewie! They flew into the empty docking bay and arrived just in time to rescue Luke! How convenient! Luke also urges them to take Dev, who looks like death wrapped in a shirt now that there's light to see by.

Back aboard the Falcon, Luke refuses to rest and heal up, our first indication that he's learned absolutely nothing since the beginning of the book. He checks up on the battle, seeing that the Ssi-ruuk have been soundly beaten because they suck, and the Empire's Carrack cruiser is dead in space, because Rogue Squadron exists.

Luke realizes that Commander Thanas won't just hand the ship over to the Alliance, choosing to blow it up rather than let them capture it, so he orders all Alliance ships to back off, and sends happy feelings towards Thanas in the Force. No, really!

Out into the Force, he projected calm. Peace. Peace was possible...
And this was Thanas's last chance.

Thanas is preparing to go down with the ship, when he starts thinking about the Empire. Mostly, how much the Empire sucks, but also about his duty to his crew. He remembers what Nereus told him about Skywalker, and calls him up to tell him that he may be infected with a bad case of the nasties, and that his very presence could endanger the lives of everyone around him.

Luke replies that he's already taken care of that, and Thanas takes his word for it because everyone is stupid in this book. Actually, Luke says he's on the Falcon with his closest friends and he wouldn't endanger them unless the parasites were really gone, but Thanas doesn't bother to check where Luke is talking to him from, so he basically just takes his word for it.

Anyhoo, Thanas negotiates handing over the ship to the Alliance in exchange for letting his crew go. Luke agrees, on the condition that any Imperials who wish to defect are given the chance. Thanas doesn't like this, but agrees because he likes the idea of his men dying a pointless death even more. Luke also requests he come over to the Falcon with a doctor, because Dev's lookin' pretty bad, you guys.

As an afterthought, Thanas has his medical guy check Luke over when they arrive, because every act of competency in this book comes as an afterthought. Luke takes the doctor to Dev, while Thanas is handcuffed to 3PO and put in the cargo bay. Leia jokes about what a harsh punishment this is, but seeing as they already shot 3PO in the chest earlier, it seems like a low blow at this point.

The doctor gives Luke his initial opinion about Dev's condition (it's not good), but Luke insists that Dev must survive because he has such Jedi potential! Having read the thread, I'm beginning to wonder if Luke's training wouldn't be worse than Dev's current situation. They get a call from Eppie down on the planet, telling them they have a prisoner the Rebels might be interested in. Because I guess the bloody revolution is finished? That was quick.

There's a brief scene as they're landing, where Han spots Nereus standing defiantly among his captors and absentmindedly reaches for the gun controls. Leia stops him, saying “We're back to diplomacy”. I thought you guys would find this as hilarious as I did.

Anyway, Leia demands Nereus's surrender, but he seems to think he still has the upper hand because of the garrison on Bakura. Leia points out that, using Thanas's surrendered ship, they're ready to bombard the shit out of the garrison from orbit. Nereus still seems to think he's won and smugly goes on about how untouchable he is.

You see? I can dig these up all day!!

Gaeriel steps forward and formally defects to the Rebel Alliance. Then, Luke, who had been chillin' on the Falcon, steps out, shocking everyone stupid enough to think he died.

Nereus flips his shit, screaming about infection, and grabs Gaeriel's gun. He shoots at Luke, who easily deflects the shot back at Nereus, killing him. Diplomatically.

Prime Minister Captison says he's still worried about the Imperial garrison, but Luke says that Thanas has already surrendered for all Imperial forces stationed on Bakura. They release Thanas, tell him to oversee the Imperial withdrawal from Bakura. He agrees, and leaves to do just that. Captison says that he wishes to address his people before joining the Alliance.

Gaeriel tells Luke how glad she is that he's alive, but Luke blows her off because he's still worried about Dev. Leia thinks this is crazy and that Luke should tap that shit, but doesn't say anything. Instead she just follows Luke back into the ship.

Luke's still insisting that Dev must live, because he's the perfect age to train, but the medic seems less enthusiastic. He tells Luke he's done all he can, and Dev might make it, but probably not. Luke senses Dev's spirit in the Force, strong and shining, and assumes Dev must have focused the healing trance on his spirit instead of his body (which you can do, I guess?). Dev regains consciousness just long enough to thank Luke, for letting him finish his life free of Ssi-ruuk control.

Then, Dev Sibwarra drifts off, dying with a smile on his face.

Farewell, Hobbitravolta.

Luke collapses, doing the whole “Why? WHY?” cliché thing because this book sucks. He sits there and mopes for so long that Leia and the Medic leave without him noticing. Then Gaeriel shows up and I had to write the next paragraph while vomiting continuously.

Gaeriel asks why Luke was so determined to save Dev, and he tells her that he wanted Dev to see a better life then the horrors he had. Then, he cries on Gaeriel's shoulder, literally. She asks about the parasites, and Luke simply says “I had the Force”. Then Luke awkwardly compliments Bakura (which sucks) because he's too bashful to compliment Gaeriel (who's boring). She says she has no intention of ever leaving Bakura, even passing on Luke's suggestion of being the planet's envoy to the Alliance. She tells Luke “I want to be your ally. But from a distance.” Luke takes the message fairly well, but they still have a big sappy kiss for some reason. They part, finally, and the medic shows up again, pointing out that Luke needs medical attention pretty fucking badly, and Luke begrudgingly agrees.

The next day, Thanas is overseeing the last of the Imperial shuttles leaving the planet. He salutes them and sends them on their way, staying behind on the landing pad. He tells the Bakuran guard that he wants to stay and defend the planet. Even if it means defecting to the Alliance.

The Alliance forces have started repairing and crewing the abandoned Ssi-ruuk flagship. Luke named it the Sibwarra, but the crew calls it the Flutie because they're assholes, I guess. Luke flies over to the ship, even though he should still be in bed healing, and returns to the bridge where he nearly died. He personally goes through the ship, room by room, scanning with the Force to ensure no human souls are left trapped in the wiring.

For the final scene, we switch back over to the Falcon, where Luke and Leia are preparing for Dev's funeral service. No one says any words, but Luke reflects on how he'll never forget Dev or Gaeriel (even though he'll never mention them again), and how much he learned from them (nothing). They launch Dev's body out of the airlock, and watch in silence as it burns up on reentry, like a meteor.

Luke stared at the meteor, a momentary flare of brilliance...like all life. Nothing really, in the sweep of time. But everything, in the Force.

 And with that shitty simile, the book ends.

So! What became of the boring-ass bit characters we met in this book?

Well, the Ssi-ruu came back years later, and attacked Bakura. Again. They're ultimately defeated by a small military force led by Jedi. Again. Then they got wiped out by the Vong or something. Because they suck.

Gaeriel and Thanas got married! Thanas later died from extreme boredom some terminal disease, and Gaeriel nobly sacrificed herself to protect the Alliance from an insurgency or something stupid.

Dev and Nereus stayed dead.

Ultimately, Truce at Bakura was an exercise in boredom, where the stakes are some shitty planet we don't care about that produces drug-laced candy. Most of the characters in any sort of peril are characters who cannot ever die (Luke, Leia, Han), robbing the book of most of its tension. And the only interesting character is dead at the end.

But now, at least, you can say that yes, Luke fucking Skywalker fought goddamn dinosaurs in space.

And somehow, it was boring.