Okay. I'm gonna be honest here. I enjoyed most of Star Trek Generations. What I really hated was Kirk's death. For one simple reason:
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| "I've always known...I'll die alone." |
So when I read that William Shatner wrote a Star Trek novel in which Kirk came back, I was fucking pumped. I ordered it right away, and, when I read the inner jacket....oh god....
The Borg and the Romulan Empire have joined forces against the Federation, and their ultimate weapon is none other than James T. Kirk, resurrected by alien science to destroy the Borg’s most formidable enemy: Jean-Luc Picard.
I ordered it, I had to read it...but oh god was I dreading it after that. As such, it's been a few years since I last looked at it, but it sucks, so let's hit this mother.
Prologue
The prologue is essentially Kirk's last few moments in Star Trek Generations from his perspective, along with little snippets of his life flashing before his eyes. It's really nothing special, except that Shatner's prose, well....
Prologue
The prologue is essentially Kirk's last few moments in Star Trek Generations from his perspective, along with little snippets of his life flashing before his eyes. It's really nothing special, except that Shatner's prose, well....
In Carol’s arms, in their bed—even as he knows he must leave her, the son they had created quickening within her...
Oh. Oh god. Thank you Bill for that mental image of your splooge deep inside Bibi Besch. Oh fuck. I need a shower. MOVE ON! MOVE ON NOW!!!
Chapter 1
Okay, we're in a safer place now, with Riker pondering Kirk's death. It's about a month after Star Trek Generations and Starfleet has decided that someone of James T. Kirk's legacy deserves a better resting place than a pile of rocks on a backwater planet, and while chopping up what's left of the Enterprise-D (as per the Prime Directive) on the other half of the planet, Riker's been assigned to retrieve Kirk's remains. Oh, and to bring along Kirk's closest thing to a next-of-kin.
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| "It is only logical. After all, only a Vulcan mind could handle the complexity of Jim's will." |
Riker wonders what it must be like for Spock to lose his best friend twice. Also, he considers how much trouble Starfleet had to go to in order to get Spock here from Romulus where's he's been working on Vulcan/Romulan reunification...then dismisses it because well, it's goddamned Spock who wants to visit the grave of James T. Fucking Kirk. If anyone was owed it, it was fucking Spock.
Prompted by a redshirt accompanying him, Riker tries to hail the U.S.S. Farragut, which is the vessel in orbit in charge of the operation...except all he gets is garbled static. He asks Spock to remain there while his team checks out the salvage site and initiates transport.
Chapter 2
So Riker and co. arrive back at the salvage area, which is under attack. Most of the people there are dead now, and the attack is setting off self-destruct charges in the saucer section of the ship. When Riker finally finds the few survivors of the attack, they confirm that the Farragut has been destroyed.
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| Ironically, the Farragut would later be destroyed in the 2009 reboot movie. Sunrise, sunset. |
Riker and the Redshirt plan to launch some detonation charges in a grounded shuttle at whoever's attacking them, and manage to set them off, except the Redshirt dies in the effort.
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| REDSHIRT KILL COUNT: 1 |
Riker and the other survivors ponder who was attacking them, and also, why the hell they were attacked, because all the classified technology and sensitive information on board the remains of the Enterprise were offloaded first.
Chapter Three
Spock can just barely see the space battle from his vantage point, and while he can recognize Federation weapons, he can't identify the other side. And then someone beams Kirk's remains out of his grave.
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| "This short chapter was highly illogical." |
Chapter Four
Ok, enough mystery, we now go to orbit, and commander of the vessel Avatar of Tomed, a Romulan ship, Commander Salatrel takes some delight in the successful recovery of Kirk's remains. And before anyone bitches, there is a reason that Spock wouldn't recognize their weapons, we'll get to that later.
Before the Romulans leave, it vaporizes a few survivors from the Farragut who had managed to get into spacesuits. Because Romulans are petty fucking assholes.
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| "It's true. I just got here from fucking your sister." |
Chapter Five
And yes, the chapters are this short. I haven't read Shatner's TekWar books, but I honestly wonder if they have 4 page chapters as well.
Anyway, we're now following the U.S.S. Monitor, a Defiant class vessel. Except unlike all the other Defiant class vessels in Trek, this one has been painted black. A shuttle leaves the ship to land on the planet New Titan, carrying a number of Starfleet Intelligence officers, and Beverly Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard. They're all wearing battle armor and are armed to the teeth, except Picard and Crusher who have...sealed carry-all pods. And now I'm picturing them wearing fanny packs into battle.
Picard starts thinking about something Crusher is carrying called "the interface" and worrying about it, while Crusher tries to tell him they won't need it.
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| Aram Fingal unavailable for comment. |
Then the officers perform the Star Trek equivalent of a HALO jump, just using anti-grav technology instead of parachutes. After landing, they see a Starfleet issue phaser beam lance out and blow up their shuttle. The Intelligence officers take it as a good sign that whoever it is that's down here is just having to make do with what's already here. Picard is a little more emotional about the loss of their pilot. The team runs across the rocky landscape to view what remains of Starbase 804...which has been partially converted into....
Now, of course, this book was written before First Contact was released in theatres, so the Shat was unaware of what was being planned. He may also have not been watching Voyager, where the pussification of the Borg was ongoing.
Chapter Six
Back to the Romulans, who are arriving at "Dante Base". Salatrel leaves her Warbird and enters what the text refers to repeatedly as "The Other Ship".
Yeah, the Romulans are trying to make a deal with the Borg. I forsee nothing but good things as a result of this plan. She observes a weird machine in a chamber that is a fusion of Romulan, Borg, and completely unknown tech. Her Centurion, Tracius arrives and informs her that Spock is not on Romulus anymore, to which she has a minor snit. He also speaks against her plans, calling it an abomination and without honor.
The text also spells out that this is not a sanctioned operation, Salatrel and her people are renegades. Which makes sense, because even if the Romulans are treacherous, backstabbing assholes, they would never just jump willingly into bed with the fucking Borg. I really can't stress this point enough.
At any rate, she orders the machine activated, and a person she calls Vox asks for confirmation. She gives the command to initiate transport, and Kirk's remains are now in the machine, which starts going crazy. Apparently the idea of it is to somehow use time travel to an extent to bring any subject back to life...which, granted, is actually a pretty clever idea. Sensing that something is going wrong, Salatrel calls for a medical team and tries to get Kirk out, but doesn't really need to as he punches his way out of it, and starts strangling her. Eventually Vox shows up and pries Kirk off her throat, revealing to the reader that he's a Borg'd Romulan, and the narrator identifies him as Romulan Speaker for the Borg. And apparently, Zombie-Kirk is the key to the Federation.
Fucked if I know how.
Chapter 7
So Picard is having mild auditory hallucinations that the Collective are trying to convince him to come back. At least I think they're hallucinations considering what's coming. On the other hand, he can hear them in First Contact, so I don't fucking know.
Anywho, Picard contemplates that he thought that he'd pull at least a year's worth of desk duty for the loss of the Enterprise, but was surprised that the inquiry ended as fast as it did...because Starfleet wants him to take on the Borg. Again. Okay, let me try to explain what the fuck their idea is:
*ahem*
Apparently, Elizabeth Shelby (from The Best of Both Worlds I & II, and if you've never seen that episode of TNG, I will smack you.) is now fully in charge of Anti-Borg Operations, and has an idea about the makeup of the Borg; namely that the Borg hives could be divided up into "tendrils" all leading back to a central point of origin. And they want Picard to lead them to it. Again, before the idea of the Borg Queen and the Unimatrices.
At any rate, Starfleet's plan is simple in its audacity: Steal a Cube.
Yep.
They sent 5 people to steal a Borg Cube. Um. Okay. Let me just check the Star Trek wiki and see just how many Borg are a standard compliment on board...
I'm sorry, what?
Shelby, your plan is fucking stupid. And then we find out what the dreaded Interface is: A reproduction of Locutus's faceplate that is rigged to receive signals from the Collective and pipe them into Picard's ear. Because having someone who was previously kidnapped and brainwashed to annihilate your former allies disguise himself as his brainwashed alter-ego and have the brainwashing signal piped into his inner ear can only result in good things.
So Picard and the others are calmly making their way towards the Cube, when a Borg'd Redshirt stops Picard and demands the power pack from his suit. Knowing that any sort of hostile action would alert the rest of the Borg, he does so without complaint. He's then ordered to remove his combat helmet, and when the Borg sees him, she recognizes him as Locutus. After a moment or two of the Borg trying to figure out why it can't hear Locutus in the Collective, one of Picard's teammates discretely phasers it into oblivion.
The Intelligence officer tells Picard to put his helmet back on, in order to "save it for showtime", and they continue towards the Cube.
Chapter 8
So we're back with Riker, who found Troi off camera, and they're wandering around the remains of the Enterprise until they find Spock using a computer in one of the old classrooms. He admits that he's going through Kirk's personnel file in part because he was having trouble believing that Kirk was dead. Troi responds that even Scotty felt the same way.
It turns out that Spock is researching Kirk's enemies to find out which one would have the longevity to still be alive now, and the resources to pull off a strike like that with 2 weeks notice. The list includes Trelane the Squire of Gothos, the Gorgan, Harcourt Fenton Mudd, Kha-
*ahem*, Kor, Kang, Koloth, the female Romulan Commander from "The Enterprise Incident", and some bug alien that I don't get the reference to. In an attempt to be helpful, Riker points out that Khan is dead, drawing a sardonic "I know." from Spock.
Eventually, Spock narrows the field down to four: The bug guy, Mudd, Trelane, and K-
Stop that! Then Spock says that he doesn't think that those were Kirk's remains in the grave because he would've felt Kirk die via a residual mind meld. And somehow, Kirk is calling to him through it.
Chapter 9
Back with the Romulans, Kirk has regained consciousness....but has total amnesia. Salatrel is there with him and tells him he was injured in battle. When Kirk asks who, we find out that she's got him in a holosuite, as she projects...
It turns out that she's got Kirk's brain wired up like a Christmas Tree so she can brainwash him into hating Starfleet and the Federation. And then we find out just why she hates Kirk so much that she implies that they are lovers and she's willing to hate-fuck him (I'm dead serious). Turns out she's the granddaughter of the Romulan Commander from "Balance of Terror". If you're not familiar with that episode, it's the one that introduced the Romulans to the Original Series. Basically, the Romulan Commander (played by Mark Lenard before he played Spock's dad) was the first Romulan to cross the Neutral Zone in a cloaked warbird and began wiping out Federation outposts along the border. So Kirk killed his ass. It's one of the best episodes of TOS, and you should definitely check it out on Netflix.
At any rate, brainwashed Kirk asks who the enemy is, and she now projects....
Lady, Picard's awesome, but I really don't get how killing him is the key to the Federation's downfall.
Chapter 10
So we check in with Worf...and I kinda wish we weren't because he's only wearing a loincloth and a belt, and is "groaning with pleasure" as some kind of Klingon wolf-thing bites his shoulder. I'll spare the details of most of the fight, because a lot of it is just gushing over how Worf is in his primal Klingon element or something.
At any rate it ends with Worf the victor, because he's Worf. And as part of his hunting ritual-thing he only now pulls a knife so he can start cutting out the thing's hearts because, y'know, Klingons. And then he's interrupted by someone wearing a priest's robes and mask. Worf isn't too keen on this because whoever this is, they know who he is, and he's concerned that Starfleet wouldn't like to know what Worf does in his "me time".
And then the priest brings out a bat'leth, in a maneuver that Worf reflects is a style that hasn't seen use in over a hundred years. GEE I WONDER WHO COULD BE IN THE ROBES AND MASK?!?!? So the "priest" tosses a second bat'leth to Worf, commenting that he has no interest in butchering him and goes through some poses that Worf's internal monologue tells the reader that he's pretty much fucked because "whoever" this is has mastery far above Worf's own. And yeah, he pretty much cleans Worf's clock and knocks him flat.
Chapter 11
So Worf then wakes up with a headache and tied to a tree. The "priest" has cooked a bunch of the wolf-thing and offers a piece of it (apparently a delicacy) to Worf before asking him where Picard is. Worf refuses to answer repeatedly, demanding to know why the fake priest wants to know. The pr-okay, enough, it's fucking zombie Kirk, okay? I'm not writing quotation marks every 5 fucking seconds. Zombie Kirk grabs Worf around the neck, shouting that he has to kill Picard, and Worf hulks out, snapping the ropes holding him. Zombie Kirk's fingers tighten and try to cut off Worf's blood supply to his brain.
Worf hits Zombie Kirk, ripping off the priest mask and stands there stunned to be facing the walking fucking dead.
Walking fucking twice dead actually, I suppose. Still Worf's a Klingon warrior, and he figures he should at least knock out Zombie Kirk first, but instead, he gets a face full of stun beam for his trouble. Zombie Kirk debates killing him, but decides against it for the moment and beams away.
Chapter 12
So we're back on New Titan, and Picard can tell there's something wrong: they've been there for 3 days, the cube looks finished, but there's no propulsion system, warp coils, or transwarp circuits. The Borg there are in hibernation mode, and Picard's team is sitting there trying to figure out what the fuck. So because it's very obvious that they're waiting for something, they've decided to Plan B this whole thing. Whatever Plan B is.
However, Picard needs to take some time to PTSD about Wolf 359, and remarks to Crusher that he's not sure if he resisted assimilation enough...because the Borg let him feel the presence of the Collective around him.
Yyyyyeah. I much prefer the First Contact version where the Borg Queen just wanted a fuck buddy. Crusher calls this whole thought train bullshit, making the entire segment just there entirely pointless. Get used to that, because it's gonna happen a lot in this trainwreck. And then Crusher implies that they're going to get up to something sexy in a holosuite afterwards.
Yeah.
Chapter 13
So we're back with Zombie Kirk in the middle of a hallucination/dream/holodeck whatsis where Salatrel shows him Picard slitting the throat of his half-Romulan child. Because her plan is balls. She asks Zombie Kirk about "the Klingon" and Kirk spits out "Klingon bastard! You killed my son!"
Zombie Kirk tries to figure out what's going on with his internal monologue, and finds himself thinking of people that he doesn't know but instinctively trusts.
And then Salatrel has apparently scoured his memory for something involving that Antonia woman he kept bringing up in Generations, and just went ahead and built a holodeck simulation around it, except subbing herself in. So Zombie Kirk starts making out with her.
Chapter 14
So it turns out that Plan B for Picard's Howling Commandos is to kidnap 10 Borg. Excuse me for a minute.
Okay, again, I know that this was written before First Contact established the idea that individual Borg can begin the assimilation process. But the series made very clear just how dangerous an individual Borg can be, let alone trying to kidnap 10 of them away from the Collective.
So they go over how many Borg are there, and they mention something called a "scuttler". Apparently part of the plan involves Picard posing as Locutus (minus the interface) and just as they send a "microburst transmission" to their ship in orbit...and the Borg attack.
Picard is able to distract them again showing his face, and the 2 Borg who beamed in are disintegrated. Picard then points out the blindingly obvious...well, I don't think I've broken out this particular chestnut yet....
Picard puts it together that the ship on the surface was bait, there's probably a much larger Cube en route to take the Monitor because, hey, free anti-Borg ship. Picard decides to go back to Plan A, because hey, free Borg ship. Well, basically. Really his plan is to seize the surface Cube and use it to get on board the incoming one and take control of that one. And of course, in order to do it, he's going to have to slap on the interface.
Chapter 15
So Salatrel is sitting at an observation monitor watching a hologram version of herself have a picnic lunch with Zombie Kirk, reflecting how useful a Federation Holodeck can be. Standing next to her is her former lover Vox, who believes Kirk is lying to her because his memories should have returned intact based on their assimilation of the "regeneration machine".
Vox reasons that because Kirk is "not functional" like they expected, the whole project should be scrapped. Salatrel goes on about how "elegant" this plan is, based on the fact that apparently the "greatest villain ever to subvert the will of the Romulan people" is Kirk, while the "greatest threat to the will of the Collective" is Picard. Vox counters that because her grandpappy was Mark Lenard, her involvement in the whole matter is a little suspect to say the least.
And then Salatrel thinks that it's unusual that Zombie Kirk hasn't started porking her holo-doppelganger. Well, at least she's familiar with 90% of Kirk's MO.
And then Vox drops a bombshell: They had to put an implant in Zombie Kirk's brain to get all the memories necessary for these holo-reconstructions, and it'll kill him....again...in just shy of a week. Salatrel is furious that the Collective didn't tell her about it, and demands to know why they don't just assimilate her whole group and be done with it. Vox responds that they have a treaty, and that the Romulan Star Empire will be left unassimilated as "a curiosity".
Noticing again that Kirk is still not putting the moves on holo-her, Salatrel gets annoyed and decides to enter the simulation and replace her duplicate...and then orders Vox to watch. Because that's not creepy. At all. So she goes in and drops trou immediately while Vox barely pays any attention, because he's reflecting at just how damn good his part of the Collective is at lying. Shocking, I know, but the Borg were planning on assimilating the Romulans too the whole time.
Because the Borg are assholes.
Chapter 16
So Picard's going all action hero, leading a charge on the Cube. Two more Borg materialize in their path, and are quickly distintegrated, with one of his cannon fodder announcing that they've engaged the random selection feature of their phasers. And just before they get to the hatch, Shatner introduces....okay, I'm sorry, this is actually pretty fucking awesome:
Picard and Crusher take advantage of Weinlein's sacrifice and climb into the gaping hole in the grounded Cube just in time as the one in orbit activates its tractor beam and begins to retrieve it.
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| Ah, fuck. |
Chapter Six
Back to the Romulans, who are arriving at "Dante Base". Salatrel leaves her Warbird and enters what the text refers to repeatedly as "The Other Ship".
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| Spoilers. |
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| "Of course. If there's one thing that the Romulan Star Empire is known for, it's honor." |
At any rate, she orders the machine activated, and a person she calls Vox asks for confirmation. She gives the command to initiate transport, and Kirk's remains are now in the machine, which starts going crazy. Apparently the idea of it is to somehow use time travel to an extent to bring any subject back to life...which, granted, is actually a pretty clever idea. Sensing that something is going wrong, Salatrel calls for a medical team and tries to get Kirk out, but doesn't really need to as he punches his way out of it, and starts strangling her. Eventually Vox shows up and pries Kirk off her throat, revealing to the reader that he's a Borg'd Romulan, and the narrator identifies him as Romulan Speaker for the Borg. And apparently, Zombie-Kirk is the key to the Federation.
Fucked if I know how.
Chapter 7
So Picard is having mild auditory hallucinations that the Collective are trying to convince him to come back. At least I think they're hallucinations considering what's coming. On the other hand, he can hear them in First Contact, so I don't fucking know.
Anywho, Picard contemplates that he thought that he'd pull at least a year's worth of desk duty for the loss of the Enterprise, but was surprised that the inquiry ended as fast as it did...because Starfleet wants him to take on the Borg. Again. Okay, let me try to explain what the fuck their idea is:
*ahem*
Apparently, Elizabeth Shelby (from The Best of Both Worlds I & II, and if you've never seen that episode of TNG, I will smack you.) is now fully in charge of Anti-Borg Operations, and has an idea about the makeup of the Borg; namely that the Borg hives could be divided up into "tendrils" all leading back to a central point of origin. And they want Picard to lead them to it. Again, before the idea of the Borg Queen and the Unimatrices.
At any rate, Starfleet's plan is simple in its audacity: Steal a Cube.
Yep.
They sent 5 people to steal a Borg Cube. Um. Okay. Let me just check the Star Trek wiki and see just how many Borg are a standard compliment on board...
I'm sorry, what?
Shelby, your plan is fucking stupid. And then we find out what the dreaded Interface is: A reproduction of Locutus's faceplate that is rigged to receive signals from the Collective and pipe them into Picard's ear. Because having someone who was previously kidnapped and brainwashed to annihilate your former allies disguise himself as his brainwashed alter-ego and have the brainwashing signal piped into his inner ear can only result in good things.
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| "Resistance is futile. You will scrub the decks." |
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| REDSHIRT KILL COUNT: 3 (I'm counting the pilot of the shuttle.) |
Chapter 8
So we're back with Riker, who found Troi off camera, and they're wandering around the remains of the Enterprise until they find Spock using a computer in one of the old classrooms. He admits that he's going through Kirk's personnel file in part because he was having trouble believing that Kirk was dead. Troi responds that even Scotty felt the same way.
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| "Aye, but the whiskey had something to do with it, too." |
*ahem*, Kor, Kang, Koloth, the female Romulan Commander from "The Enterprise Incident", and some bug alien that I don't get the reference to. In an attempt to be helpful, Riker points out that Khan is dead, drawing a sardonic "I know." from Spock.
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| Although, to be fair.... |
Stop that! Then Spock says that he doesn't think that those were Kirk's remains in the grave because he would've felt Kirk die via a residual mind meld. And somehow, Kirk is calling to him through it.
Chapter 9
Back with the Romulans, Kirk has regained consciousness....but has total amnesia. Salatrel is there with him and tells him he was injured in battle. When Kirk asks who, we find out that she's got him in a holosuite, as she projects...
,_ENT.jpg) |
| Lady, your plan sucks. |
At any rate, brainwashed Kirk asks who the enemy is, and she now projects....
Lady, Picard's awesome, but I really don't get how killing him is the key to the Federation's downfall.
Chapter 10
So we check in with Worf...and I kinda wish we weren't because he's only wearing a loincloth and a belt, and is "groaning with pleasure" as some kind of Klingon wolf-thing bites his shoulder. I'll spare the details of most of the fight, because a lot of it is just gushing over how Worf is in his primal Klingon element or something.
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| Hey, guess what other continuities the Shatnerverse violates! |
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| Hey Worf, I'm pretty sure your "calisthenics" program is probably already public knowledge, you running around in a loincloth to kill wolves with your bare hands is probably considered okey-dokey. |
Chapter 11
So Worf then wakes up with a headache and tied to a tree. The "priest" has cooked a bunch of the wolf-thing and offers a piece of it (apparently a delicacy) to Worf before asking him where Picard is. Worf refuses to answer repeatedly, demanding to know why the fake priest wants to know. The pr-okay, enough, it's fucking zombie Kirk, okay? I'm not writing quotation marks every 5 fucking seconds. Zombie Kirk grabs Worf around the neck, shouting that he has to kill Picard, and Worf hulks out, snapping the ropes holding him. Zombie Kirk's fingers tighten and try to cut off Worf's blood supply to his brain.
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| "Your implication that he actually has one amuses me to no end." |
Walking fucking twice dead actually, I suppose. Still Worf's a Klingon warrior, and he figures he should at least knock out Zombie Kirk first, but instead, he gets a face full of stun beam for his trouble. Zombie Kirk debates killing him, but decides against it for the moment and beams away.
Chapter 12
So we're back on New Titan, and Picard can tell there's something wrong: they've been there for 3 days, the cube looks finished, but there's no propulsion system, warp coils, or transwarp circuits. The Borg there are in hibernation mode, and Picard's team is sitting there trying to figure out what the fuck. So because it's very obvious that they're waiting for something, they've decided to Plan B this whole thing. Whatever Plan B is.
However, Picard needs to take some time to PTSD about Wolf 359, and remarks to Crusher that he's not sure if he resisted assimilation enough...because the Borg let him feel the presence of the Collective around him.
Yyyyyeah. I much prefer the First Contact version where the Borg Queen just wanted a fuck buddy. Crusher calls this whole thought train bullshit, making the entire segment just there entirely pointless. Get used to that, because it's gonna happen a lot in this trainwreck. And then Crusher implies that they're going to get up to something sexy in a holosuite afterwards.
Yeah.
Chapter 13
So we're back with Zombie Kirk in the middle of a hallucination/dream/holodeck whatsis where Salatrel shows him Picard slitting the throat of his half-Romulan child. Because her plan is balls. She asks Zombie Kirk about "the Klingon" and Kirk spits out "Klingon bastard! You killed my son!"
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| Further evidence that your plan is ass. |
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| He is the logical choice for a wingman. |
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| Well, that's bullshit, we all know that this is how Kirk treats women. Then again, he is a Zombie now. |
So it turns out that Plan B for Picard's Howling Commandos is to kidnap 10 Borg. Excuse me for a minute.
Okay, again, I know that this was written before First Contact established the idea that individual Borg can begin the assimilation process. But the series made very clear just how dangerous an individual Borg can be, let alone trying to kidnap 10 of them away from the Collective.
So they go over how many Borg are there, and they mention something called a "scuttler". Apparently part of the plan involves Picard posing as Locutus (minus the interface) and just as they send a "microburst transmission" to their ship in orbit...and the Borg attack.
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| SURPRISE! |
Picard puts it together that the ship on the surface was bait, there's probably a much larger Cube en route to take the Monitor because, hey, free anti-Borg ship. Picard decides to go back to Plan A, because hey, free Borg ship. Well, basically. Really his plan is to seize the surface Cube and use it to get on board the incoming one and take control of that one. And of course, in order to do it, he's going to have to slap on the interface.
Chapter 15
So Salatrel is sitting at an observation monitor watching a hologram version of herself have a picnic lunch with Zombie Kirk, reflecting how useful a Federation Holodeck can be. Standing next to her is her former lover Vox, who believes Kirk is lying to her because his memories should have returned intact based on their assimilation of the "regeneration machine".
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| No, but I would murder to see Kirk Vs Jason Vs Freddy. |
And then Salatrel thinks that it's unusual that Zombie Kirk hasn't started porking her holo-doppelganger. Well, at least she's familiar with 90% of Kirk's MO.
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| The other 10% is mostly shameless mugging. |
And then Vox drops a bombshell: They had to put an implant in Zombie Kirk's brain to get all the memories necessary for these holo-reconstructions, and it'll kill him....again...in just shy of a week. Salatrel is furious that the Collective didn't tell her about it, and demands to know why they don't just assimilate her whole group and be done with it. Vox responds that they have a treaty, and that the Romulan Star Empire will be left unassimilated as "a curiosity".
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| "We also have a bridge to sell you. Resistance to savings is futile." |
Because the Borg are assholes.
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| "You will accept a 'hertz donut'. Resistance is Futile." |
So Picard's going all action hero, leading a charge on the Cube. Two more Borg materialize in their path, and are quickly distintegrated, with one of his cannon fodder announcing that they've engaged the random selection feature of their phasers. And just before they get to the hatch, Shatner introduces....okay, I'm sorry, this is actually pretty fucking awesome:
It was bipedal, but three meters tall, with piston-like legs and thick crushing disks for footpads, digging into the soil. Propellant gases hissed from its leg joints as it began to stalk forward. Two pairs of arms swung forward, searchingly, manipulators opening and closing with molecularly sharp carbon cutters and whirling blades...a small, impassive, humanoid head centered protectively in the Borg’s immense shoulder plates. It was the only biological component visible.
So the Borg have decided that Picard is so hardcore, they're throwing motherfucking Devastator at him.
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| What the Borg don't realize is that only Unicron could take out Picard. Also, I'm sorry, but the fact that the Borg have Devastator is fucking awesome. |
Anyway, they do the only thing they can think of, shoot the crap out of Devastator...which does nothing, the Borg have already adapted to their phasers. So instead Krul, the Klingon, pulls out what Shatner has dubbed a "Klingon thrustergun" loaded with explosive shells.
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| Basically, this. |
And since Devastator's force field is calibrated for phaser fire, he goes down like a ton of bricks...and as it topples over and reflexive fire from it chops off Krul's legs and part of the Cube. The Cube responds by revealing a bigass Borg weapon and first wiping out Devastator, and then begins trying to wipe out Picard et al. In response, Picard whips a "smart grenade" at the thing, which takes it out. I have no idea what a smart grenade is. The shockwave cracks a couple of Picard's ribs, but otherwise he's unhurt.
Crusher says that the life-support systems in Krul's armor should keep the blood loss to a...relative minimum I suppose. Picard decides to make another run at the Cube and chooses to just enter via one of the giant fucking holes they've blown in it. Except it turns out Devastator is actually a Pretender, because there's another Borg thing inside: a Borg "Scuttler".
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| Basically, but with 8 legs and pointier. |
Another of Picard's commandos, Beyer, had reached Krul, but the Scutter charges them and skewers Beyer with its legs...and then starts assimliating Krul. And just then, a message comes in from the USS Monitor. Captain...Lewinski....uh. You know what, it's too fucking easy, I'm not touching that one, and I now dub him Captain Plot Convenience. Captain Plot Convenience tells them that another Cube has just dropped out of warp. Picard warns them away so he still has a chance to complete the mission. Weinlein points out that if Krul gets assimilated, they won't come near the planet, and pulls off her helmet revealing that she's half-Vulcan.
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| There are shockingly few images on Google of half-Vulcans, so please accept this image of a half-elf instead. |
Giving Picard her Vulcan IDIC medallion, she charges the Scuttler with a phaser set to overload. And I have to pause to ask why phasers have that setting? What happens if you reach behind you to scratch your ass and, brushing it with your arm as your hand reaches, accidentally put the thing on overload? Anyway, phaser on overload goes boom, taking out Weinlein, Krul, and the Scuttler.
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| REDSHIRT KILL COUNT: 6 |
Chapter 17
So instead of taking Picard's suggestion that he take his ship and fucking book, Captain Plot Convenience has decided "Fuck that shit", cloaked, and is now watching the Borg scoop up the half-built cube from the surface. And because he's kind of stupid, he wants to "look up their tailpipe", which no one on the bridge understands because combustion engines haven't been in use for around 200 years. They do a lifeform reading on the smaller cube and detect Picard and Crusher, to which they are all relieved because Plan C was engage the Borg.
How well did that go again last time?
And I already hear you out there, complaining that Defiant-class ships were designed to fight the Borg...except they still hadn't at this point in Trek. Anyway, the big Cube finishes retrieving the little one and zips away via transwarp.
Chapter 18
Now we meet up with Geordi and Data who are taking part in some archaeology or something on a frozen planet called Trilex. And Data has, on the advice of Troi, decided to further explore the emotions he received in Generations by swearing. A lot. Repeatedly.
Geordi gets annoyed, lectures him about appropriate times to swear, and, in response Data begins to cry. And seeing as that they're on an ice world, the tears freeze his eyelids shut.
Hey, anyone else remember when Star Trek was about exploration, and science, and occasionally blowing the unholy hell out of aliens??
Anyway, after, and I'm not kidding, four fucking pages of this, a stranger appears on the planet. Ok, it's not a stranger, it's Zombie Kirk again, because of course it is. He demands to know where Picard is, and after they refuse to tell him anything, he hits Geordi with a goddamned RPG.
Zombie Kirk is not fucking around. Luckily, Geordi was wearing a heavy environmental suit to protect him from the cold, and it takes the brunt of the blast. But unfortunately, it's been ruptured and Geordi is now freezing to death. Data tries to wreck Zombie Kirk's shit, but gets a face full of EMP for his trouble. Zombie Kirk asks Geordi again, threatening to wipe Data's mind if he doesn't tell him where Picard is. Geordi tells the Zombie where to stick it, so he gets what we're supposed to believe is shot in the face, but is actually just a stun blast because the Shat is not willing to kill off beloved characters in his book just yet.
So instead of taking Picard's suggestion that he take his ship and fucking book, Captain Plot Convenience has decided "Fuck that shit", cloaked, and is now watching the Borg scoop up the half-built cube from the surface. And because he's kind of stupid, he wants to "look up their tailpipe", which no one on the bridge understands because combustion engines haven't been in use for around 200 years. They do a lifeform reading on the smaller cube and detect Picard and Crusher, to which they are all relieved because Plan C was engage the Borg.
How well did that go again last time?
 |
| Oh, right. |
Chapter 18
Now we meet up with Geordi and Data who are taking part in some archaeology or something on a frozen planet called Trilex. And Data has, on the advice of Troi, decided to further explore the emotions he received in Generations by swearing. A lot. Repeatedly.
 |
| 1. Lady, I think he's already got that down. 2. You are a terrible psychologist. |
Hey, anyone else remember when Star Trek was about exploration, and science, and occasionally blowing the unholy hell out of aliens??
Anyway, after, and I'm not kidding, four fucking pages of this, a stranger appears on the planet. Ok, it's not a stranger, it's Zombie Kirk again, because of course it is. He demands to know where Picard is, and after they refuse to tell him anything, he hits Geordi with a goddamned RPG.
Zombie Kirk is not fucking around. Luckily, Geordi was wearing a heavy environmental suit to protect him from the cold, and it takes the brunt of the blast. But unfortunately, it's been ruptured and Geordi is now freezing to death. Data tries to wreck Zombie Kirk's shit, but gets a face full of EMP for his trouble. Zombie Kirk asks Geordi again, threatening to wipe Data's mind if he doesn't tell him where Picard is. Geordi tells the Zombie where to stick it, so he gets what we're supposed to believe is shot in the face, but is actually just a stun blast because the Shat is not willing to kill off beloved characters in his book just yet.
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