Does everyone remember the one line referencing "Project Decoy" in the last book? No? Well, deep inside Mount Yoda (ugh) the Alliance was developing something called Project Decoy. And now you're caught up, because that's all they said about it.
Some alien named Fandar, who is a Chadra-Fan alien...
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| They're like if you crossbred leaf-nosed bats with dwarves. |
The book then reminds us what DRAPAC is, but I won't bore you. Suffice to say, it's where our good guys hang out on Dagobah. Mon Mothma gets a group together to head down into the mountain for the demonstration, and the group consists of Luke, Leia, Han and (at Luke's suggestion because the plot still wants him around) Ken.
They step into the "tubular transport" (we're still not calling these elevators?) and head down to "Restricted Sublevel D-13", and head through several security checkpoints armed by armed droids. (After the Clone Wars, I'd think no one would bother using those damn things) Fandar greets them and says that he and "Fugo" (whoever that is) are pleased the group could come down on such short notice.
Apparently Fandar and Fugo are scientists from the planet Chad, and "The combination of their infrared sight, hypersensitive sense of smell, and keen hearing makes the Chadra-Fan physically and mentally perceptive creatures." That doesn't really make a lot of sense, but whatever, moving on.
Fugo says that he didn't think someone like Ken would be old enough to have clearance, and Luke says that age isn't the deciding factor in Ken's case. I'm guessing skill and intelligence aren't either. Mon Mothma agrees, saying that his knowledge gained from the Jedi Library on Yavin is why he's always allowed everywhere. And now I just wonder why the Alliance didn't just go and get the data from the library once they knew where it was? No really, why not? It'd be way more useful than lugging Ken around everywhere. Less annoying too.
Fandar basically says whatever, and then introduces Leia to...wait for it..."Princess Leia Organa II".
Then a woman steps out who looks exactly like Leia. So apparently they made an android that looks exactly like Leia. Leia (the fake one) says "I know we all like to feel unique...but life can be full of surprises."
I'd ask why, but I'm hoping we're about to get a reason why they felt the need to double Leia when she isn't even the Alliance leader here. (That would still be Mon Mothma at this point) Han says this is really creepy, and that makes this the first time this entire series that I like Han. Everyone else, however, says they love this idea and it worked out really well. The droid can apparently talk, gesture, even smile exactly like Leia. Hilarious sit-com hijinks are bound to ensue.
Fandar says that he's ready to proceed with the next part of the demonstration, he just needs everyone to stand behind the transparent shield. He grabs a mechanical ball and throws it into the air, and the device floats around and approaches Fake Leia. Fake Leia's eyes suddenly start glowing green and then-
KABOOOOM!
Her eyes shoot fucking lasers out of them and blow up the floating ball. Okay, that actually wasn't a bad plan. If I were creating a human replica droid, I would probably add "shoots laser out of eyes" to the specs, too.
Then Fandar gets cocky, takes out a coin, and flips it into the air. Fake Leia shoots lasers again, but this time it apparently misfires, shoots through the shield, and hits Fandar square in the chest, "striking his left heart". So that went sour fast. Ken yells out "What went wrong?" which is a rather stupid question all things considered. It missed, he got shot, and we should really be focusing on that.
Blood is dripping out of the hole that is now in Fandar's chest, and he falls down face first. Leia grabs a med kit from the wall, and uses the "medical crystallizer instrument" to stop the bleeding. Luke asks Ken where Baji is, and Ken says he last saw him with Threepio watering some plants. For those of you keeping track, the last time we saw Baji he was being taken prisoner by Trioculus. Now he's on Dagobah. Um...wait, what? When did he escape Trioc? How did he join back up with the Alliance? What happened, where am I?
Moving on, because clearly they're not dwelling on it, Luke calls Threepio and tells him to bring Baji down to the lab. Personally, I think granting a protocol droid access to your "super secret lab" is a security risk, but they seem fine with it.
Threepio gets Baji, and we get this sentence, "Fortunately...Baji had been rescued during an Alliance attack on an Imperial command center." You can almost hear the authors dusting their hands off, proud of solving that plot hole. They work their way down to the lab, and Baji says (in rhyme that I will currently spare you from) that Fandar's right heart is still working fine, but his left one is is nearly gone, and that he'll need a transplant or he'll die in about three days. Fugo says he'd gladly die to give Fandar a new heart, but Mon Mothma asks if Han can make it to Chad in "twenty-five standard time parts". Han says he could probably make it there faster than that. (Is that less than three days? I have no idea, but I'll assume it is)
Mon Mothma tells Han to take Fandar to the "heart transplant center at Chadra-Fan Hospital." Leia says she'll come too, and Luke says he also wants to come, but Mon Mothma says that she needs Luke to work on something else. Luke asks if she means the "problem with Triclops", and Mon Mothma says, "A perceptive guess." Then she turns away, closing the subject for now.
Han, Leia, Threepio, and Artoo (I'm assuming Fandar is onboard, too) take off in the Falcon and head to Chad. "Twenty-two standard time parts later" they arrive at the "blue-white sun" near the planet. They notice that the entire planet seems to be covered in a massive storm, and Han says the Chadra-Fan have no one to blame but themselves. Leia asks why, and now it's time for everyone's favorite part of these books: force-fed lesson time.
"It’s because of the Lactils. They’ve got so many of those smelly milk-producing creatures on this planet, the situation is now totally out of control." Han checked his Navicomputer to figure out the best angle for the Millennium Falcon’s approach. "It may be good for Chad, from a business point of view, that they’re now the dairy capital of the galaxy, but no one ever stopped to consider that Lactils exhale enormous quantities of methane gas. And too much methane is bad news for the upper atmosphere."
"Tzchlootle!" beeped the little barrel-shaped droid, Artoo-Detoo. "Bzing-zooch, PZEEep badoing!"
"Goodness," Threepio translated, "Artoo has made a startling calculation using advanced spectrographic analysis. He’s concluded that so much methane gas has polluted the upper atmosphere, it’s caused a terrible greenhouse effect on Chad. The planet is overheated, consequently warming up the seas-and warm oceans give rise to violent hurricanes."
That's a lot of words, but it basically boils down to space-cow farts. The planet is fucked because of space-cow farts. Isn't that wonderful?
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| Even Leia cannot believe the stupidity of this particular PSA. Either that, or she's having an earth-shattering orgasm. |
SHWOOOOOOOOOSH!
That's winds hitting the Falcon, by the way.
KRAKKKK!
That was the "passive sensor antenna" for the "microwave radio". If that's the sensor dish on top of the Falcon, then this is not the first time that thing has been knocked off. Poor thing.
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| First person saying that this book is the reason the Falcon has a new sensor dish in The Force Awakens gets a punch right in the baby-maker. |
ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!
And that is, apparently, an escape pod being destroyed. I guess it was angry?
Anyway, Threepio is angry because of the bumping around, and says that they should suspend Han's piloting license. (humor!) Some other bad stuff happens (warning lights seems tell them their thermal amplifier is busted, so it's likely to get really cold in the cockpit, lights go out, that kind of thing) and Han turns the Falcon towards flying into the eye of the storm, "fighting the awesome power of the hurricane’s winds all the way." End of chapter cliffhanger!
Except...
Han, Leia, and the droids stepped down the ramp of the Falcon and into a hangar, relieved to be on solid ground once again.
Oh, they're fine. We join them already having landed at "Chadra-Fan Hospital". Do they authors realize that when writing a book, they need to actually describe scenes they set up? Oh well.
Han is boasting how awesome his landing was, due to his high skill and a little trust in the Force.
Leia says she has a lot of trust in the Force, and I'd like to remind you that we still have someone bleeding to death with a missing heart on the ship. But sure, let's banter for a while.
Threepio joins in complaining about a dent in his arm, and then they are greeted by several Chadra-Fan who help Han get Fandar out of the ship on a floating platform. Han and Artoo walk with it with no problems, but a guard stops Leia and Threepio and demands to know what happened to Fandar. Han doesn't even notice this, and keeps on walking into the hospital, completely oblivious to the fact that the love of his life is still being held up by security. Seriously, Han is now in the operating room, and he hasn't noticed that Leia isn't with him.
Artoo, also in the operating room, hooks into an outlet to keep track of how the operation is going, but then a lightning bolt hits the dome of the hospital, and Artoo is jolted by electricity. Because apparently on a planet currently being rocked by giant hurricanes, they haven't figured out how to stop lightning from fucking up their hospitals. Artoo screems "Buu-bee-oowwwbzeee-bjEEEch!" and runs out of the room, and Han runs after asking what his problem is. Once he gets outside, he finally starts wondering what happened to Leia.
Suddenly another lightning bolt strikes, this time hitting a cliff towering over the hospital, which causes a landslide. Then the roof tears off the corridor Han and Artoo are in, and rocks crash down around them, killing them instantly. Oh wait, I mean trapping them under rubble.
Meanwhile, "Leia poured on her charm" with the guard, and eventually convinces him that they didn't shoot Fandar on purpose before bringing him to the hospital themselves. She just starts walking towards the hospital in time to see the rock slide that trapped Han and Artoo.
Leia reaches out with the Force to discover that Han is alright. (When did she learn to do that?) She runs to the guard and says she needs a "Boulder-Dozer". Boulder-Dozers are exactly what you think they are, except they have lasers for destroying rocks. Which I'm sure the kid version of me would have thought was just awesome.
The guard leads them to the Boulder-Dozers inside a storage area, and Leia hops in the first one she sees, but it doesn't start. "Looks like the rain has flooded the Nebulon starter unit." I hate when that happens.
The guard says that can't be true, because "It’s a top-of-the-line Rendili Boulder-Dozer with a Navicomputer control." Threepio says he thinks he can help, because he once came in contact with an engineer who worked for that company, and whenever he had problems with the Boulder-Dozers, he would reach underneath it and pull this lever a few times-
VRRRRRROOOOM!
Mechanic Threepio has fixed the problem, apparently, and climbs in the thing with Leia. She drives back to the rubble and shoots it, blowing a hole in it. It also says she's careful not to shoot it too much, or else she'll kill Han and Artoo.
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| Just a reminder that Leia is trusting Threepio not to fuck up. THREEPIO. |
Eventually she frees them, and Han congratulates her for her quick thinking. Han talks about how he almost thought he would never see Leia again, and how all his plans for them were almost ruined. When Leia asks what plans those are, Han looks away and starts talking about the Boulder-Dozer. I bet you think I'm making that up, don't you?
BEHOLD!
He sighed and wiped his brow. "You know, Leia, I thought I’d seen you for the last time. And, well-" He paused, searching for the right words.
"Well what?" she asked.
"That would have been a shame," Han admitted.
"I’ll agree with that."
"A big shame," he added. "All my plans for us were almost crushed by those rocks."
Leia’s eyebrows raised questioningly. "What plans for us, Han?"
Han glanced away. "Hey, a Rendili Navicomputer-controlled Boulder-Dozer!" he exclaimed excitedly, quickly changing the subject. "Made by the good ol’ Corellian Engineering Corporation. I’ll have to thank them."
Han, you old smoothie.
Artoo screeches "Bzooooch gneeeech!" which apparently means he's bitching about getting shocked. Threepio says Artoo's going to need servicing. Threepio then keeps bitching about dents while he pulls Artoo out of the rubble. This scene sure was necessary.
Now we're back with Luke, who is in DRAPAC's south tower, watching Triclops sleep through a two-way mirror. That's...really creepy, Luke. He starts thinking about how important Triclops is, but it's nothing new. The only new stuff is that Mon Mothma apparently doesn't trust Triclops, and thinks he may be a spy. Apparently this is because, occasionally, when sleeping, Triclops flies into fits of rage, and even Chewie has a hard time restraining him. That sounds like PTSD to me, but since this is a kid's book, I'm sure it's that spy thing.
Ken explained to Luke (I guess he's there too) that when Triclops awakes, he never remembers his evil dreams. He also says that the dreams are why the Empire never had Triclops killed, because when he talks in his sleep he occasionally spouts off plans for new weapons and deadly war machines. (this is canon) He gives specifications in his dreams, and then the Empire would make them. Based on the ramblings of a sleeping prisoner? That was approved by whatever passes for a board of standards in the Empire? Anyway, Ken says that Triclops has no idea he's helping create these weapons.
Suddenly Triclops starts talking in his sleep again, and we get this:
"It won’t work unless you use . . . a powerful miniunit that’s much more than a stun projectile," Triclops said in a low, distant voice. "It should have a laser power equal to . . . equal to the Atgar 1.4, capable of functioning at all temperatures. Controlled by an active sensor package and . . . and a tactical display with extended range. Variable sensor rate 55, blast radius of 20-plus, v-150 ionization. Then the eyes will work."
Okay, those are actually pretty detailed. I think. I mean, it doesn't really make much sense, but it does sound all science-y.
Luke brings the message to Fugo in the Project Decoy lab on Sublevel D-13, and once Fugo starts freaking out once he's heard the whole thing. (both hearts beating rapidly, ears flapping, that kind of stuff) Apparently all that gibberish is describing, in great detail, the Leia decoy, including recent modifications, and what went wrong that caused Fandar to be shot. Luke says it's possible that Triclops can sleep mind read, or something, and that it's possible he's been doing it this entire time to everyone in Mount Yoda. Which is bad.
Now we're back on Chad, where the hurricanes have lifted and the sky is letting in the sun. Sorry, not the sun, but "the planet’s nine glowing moons". Chief Chan from the hospital has just announced that the surgery was a success, but Fandar would have to stay on Chad for the forseeable future. Hearing that, Han and crew decide there's no reason to stick around, and get the hell off the planet.
Once aboard, Leia says, "Next stop, Dagobah!" Which Han responds to by saying, "Wrong...Next stop, Hologram Fun World!" (...what?) "Thrilling images of the most spectacular space station in the galaxy filled Leia’s mind-a fun park where hologram experiences seemed to make every wish come true." (No, wait...what?) Leia says they don't have time to go to Hologram Fun World right now because they've got shit to do. And Han says that it's too bad, because they're going to elope.
Leia is stunned, and asks if Han is asking her to marry him. (You did kind of forget that step, Han) Han, like a jackass, replies, "I guess you could look at it that way, if you want." Han starts talking about how his near death experience got him thinking, but I don't know what made this near death experience any different than any other one he's ever had.
"Thinking about the fact that I’m not getting any younger, and that if I ever want any pip-squeak Solo kids running around my sky house tugging at my boots, well, it just wouldn’t seem right unless you were their mother." Han gazed into her eyes. "Does that make any sense?"
No, none of that just made sense.
"Perfect sense," she answered.
Oh hell, we're really doing this, aren't we?
They kiss, and Han asks if it sounds good to her, and Leia says sure, but she always dreamed of a big wedding. Han says that could take forever, and who knows what could happen to them between now and then. Then Leia is apparently all excited about the idea and says it could be fun because no one would expect it of them. Artoo bleeps "Tzoooooch!", which is apparently his blessing, and Threepio says it's about time.
Han smiles, thinking of the sparkling ring he has in a compartment in the cockpit. (that one he got from the Duro treasures last book) Then they leave Chad space and "set out for the one place in the galaxy where anything could happen-and almost always did!"
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| Just a reminder that the kid Han was talking about ends up literally stabbing him through the goddamned heart. |
Zorba the Hutt (I'm so sorry) is taking a nap in his suite in Cloud City, when the intercom beeps-
BZZZZZZZ!
And he gets all pissy because it woke him up. He demands to know who woke him, and hears "It’s Checksum, the audit droid, and my assistant." How adorable. Checksum says he has an appointment, and Zorba remembers that he does indeed have an appointment with "a group of hotel business droids to receive his monthly accounting." Man, the sci-fi action is just dripping from this series.
He lets the droids in, and they tell him that the losses to the hotel and casino from the past month come to 18,545,372 credits. Is that a lot? I'm not sure what is a lot in the Star Wars universe. Well, I'm guessing it's a lot, because Zorba reacts like this:
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| He does this a lot. |
Zorba demands to know how this happened, and Checksum defers to Debit-101, their "audit droid specialist in business strategies". Debit explains that Cloud City is facing terrible competition from Hologram Fun World, because people prefer holograms to losing all their money gambling in casinos. Plus, Hologram Fun World doesn't have to deal with the level of crime that Cloud City does.
Zorba then starts beating the shit out of the droids, and the droids just kind of take it. Work is work, I guess. Then he calls the "best bounty hunters in Cloud City" before him. He plans on going with them to Hologram Fun World to "terrorize the guests, rob the banks, take entertainers as hostages, and destroy the hologram rides" which is quite the hostile business method. His plans are basically to make people terrified to step foot inside Hologram Fun World, so they'll go to Cloud City instead. So, plan in mind, he takes off in his hunk of junk Zorba Express, with the bounty hunters, led by Tibor, flying in an armada of ships behind him.
Then we're with Han who is, from the Falcon cockpit, pointing out some big dome to Leia, saying that it's where they'll soon become husband and wife. They bicker for a while whether it should be husband and wife, or wife and husband (like half a page) and then Leia says it's too bad Ken isn't with them, because he'd have a great time at Hologram Fun World. (just like you!) Han says Luke would have a good time too, because "He’s always wanted to go hover-skiing down the side of an exploding volcano." ...That doesn't sound like Luke...
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| Besides, Skywalkers don't exactly have a winning track record when it comes to magma. |
Threepio bitches about how he hopes they have a good droid repair shop, since the one on Chad was closed due to the storms, and Artoo tweets "BzEEEt GliiiiipzEEp!" which translates as him say how glad he is that a mechanic was at least able to "temporarily readjust" his circuits. And with that we head into Hologram Fun World, as they fly past a giant neon sign that says, "A WORLD OF DREAMS COME TRUE!"
Inside the dome. Leia could see fantastic fireworks exploding high above the rides and attractions, bursting in showers of brilliant sparks.
Leia stared at the winding slide ramps for the ride called Exploding Stars-an adventure that simulated a voyage through bursting white-hot supernovas. She saw the tall, twisting spires above the alien theaters and interplanetary opera houses. And in the center of the attractions Leia noticed the shining administration building, reflecting all the surrounding action like a gigantic mirror.
They land, and Han suggests they take their honeymoon at Enchanted Lagoon because of all the flowers. Leia says she's worried she'll sneeze too much, but Han explains that they're just holograms (we fucking get it, this place has holograms) so there's no, um, space pollen, or something.
Leia says they should pick up rings, but Han says he's already get one. He tries to awkwardly explain where he got it from, but it basically just comes out as "Dustangle gave me this...um...thing...but it's totally awesome...." so I'm just moving on.
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| Just drink it all in, folks. ALL OF IT! |
They drop the droids off at the repair shop, and then walk by the "Asteroid Theater" with a marquee announcing "Bithabus the Mystifier", who is a magician. Yes. In a galaxy that already has space wizards there's a goddamned stage magician. There's also a sign saying that it is (sadly) sold out for six months. They then go to a "gem and jewelry store" where Leia tries to pick out a ring for Han. Han, trying not to look, spots a sign that identifies who is in charge of Hologram Fun World. And if you still don't know who it is, then I don't really know what to say.
"Princess, look at this!" Han exclaimed. "I can’t believe it. I guess it’s official-Lando’s back in business!" He pointed to a portrait of their friend. Beneath the picture it read: LANDO CALRISSIAN, BARON ADMINISTRATOR OF HOLOGRAM FUN WORLD.
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| Llllllllllllllladies. |
Han goes off to try and contact Lando, and Leia finds the rings she wants to buy. "It was a gold band with four evenly spaced gems: a ruby, a sapphire, an emerald, and an amethyst." She buys it, and Han returns just in time to see it. He says it's a beauty, and Leia gets annoyed because he wasn't supposed to see it. (God, I wish they would just shoot something.)
They go back to the droid repair shop, and Han slips the manager there a huge tip, saying to keep the droids busy. "My date and I would like to have a romantic night on the town-just the two of us, if you get what I mean." We get it, you want to get laid.
Then they run into Lando, who's grinning ear to ear because he just received a report on his profits, and it's all good news. They talk about how happy they are that they fooled Zorba into thinking Leia is dead, and Lando, while pouring them glasses of zoochberry juice, asks what brings them around. Han tells him that they're eloping, and Lando is all, "I'm sorry I didn't ask you first". Which is a rather inappropriate comment, but it's Lando, so all is forgiven. Then he takes them on a tour of the place.
Apparently, even though "Han and Leia had zoomed through asteroid fields, fought against Death Stars side by side, battled Imperial stormtroopers, and warred against four-legged AT-AT walkers on planet Hoth" they are still taken aback by how totally awesome this place is.
They went hover-skiing inside the mouth of an erupting volcano.
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| SKYWALKERS! MAGMA! NOT GOOD! |
Then they were swallowed by a huge Whaladon and swam their way out of its belly. They rode on the back of a star dragon as it leapt from a mountaintop and flew through the air.
Wait, Star Dragon?
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| NOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
And they even drove a convertible cloud car right through the center of an exploding star!
WHY IS THIS BOOK DOING THIS TO ME?!!?
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| Don't worry Han, you'll be flying this fucking monstrosity in no time. |
To top off their visit, Leia made one of her fondest dreams come true. She took Han on a hologram fantasy voyage to Alderaan, her home planet, so Han could experience what it was like there before it was destroyed by Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire.
I'll admit, that last part about Alderaan was actually a nice touch. It's apparently recreating Alderaan from Leia's memories, and the whole thing is actually a nice note for this otherwise terrible book. But that can't last long, so the hologram comes to an end.
Lando then takes them to the place where they can get married. Han tries on tuxes, and Leia picks out a "very modern, white wedding dress with a long bridal veil." Lando says he also picked out a photographer droid named SB-9, which is short for "Shutter-Bug-9". Lando then says all they need to do now is head to the admin building to look over Han and Leia's paperwork.
Han asks what paperwork, and Lando says they'll of course need their birth certificates. Han says his is back in his sky house on Bespin, and Leia's was destroyed with Alderaan. Lando says he'll have to see if the documents office can print up some new ones. They really need these in paper? Really? This is Star Wars for crying out loud (even if it might be hard to remember that at the moment). Lando says that it will take a little time, but that they'll be able to be married first thing tomorrow morning. Gee, I hope nothing bad happens before then.
The Zorba Express lands on Hologram Fun World, and Zorba immediately calls a meeting of the "rogues and scoundrels" he came with. "The purpose of the meeting was to plan the sabotage, theft, vandalism, and terrorism that Zorba hoped would ruin Fun World’s appeal for tourists." Apparently that needed to be reiterated.
Meanwhile, Lando just used his influence to get box-seat tickets for Han and Leia at "Bithabus the Mystifier at the Asteroid Theater." Apparently, at the same time the show is starting, Zorba's thugs are causing trouble a few blocks away by breaking into the "Starlight Bank" (there's a bank here? Why?) and stealing all the valuables from the safe deposit boxes. Elsewhere, alien bounty hunters are etching graffiti (nooooo!!!!!!) on the admin building with their pistols (that seems like it's more complicated than it needs to be) and another group, this one led by Tibor, is breaking into the Wonderbilt hotel (see what they did there?) and stealing all the jewelery from the guests.
Meanwhile, the show is proceeding as usual.
The curtain lifted, and the best-known magic act in the galaxy began. Bithabus, a highly evolved Bith humanoid with a large head and large lidless black eyes, came out onstage to thunderous applause. Then Bithabus doubled in size before everyone’s eyes, twisted himself like a pretzel, rolled across the stage floor, and magically turned into a droid very much like See-Threepio. The show was great fun, and Han, Leia, and Lando were having the time of their lives.
Then we jump back again (this is becoming dizzying) to Zorba, who is laughing ("A-haw-haw-haw . . . !") as the bounty hunters bring him all the treasures they just stole.
Tibor, however, tells him that this is no time to celebrate, because he has just learned that Princess Leia is not only still alive, but, "by the ghost of your great ancestor Kossak the Hutt", she's in Fun World right now! Zorba starts raging and saying that it can't be true, because she must have blown up inside the factory barge. But Tibor says he saw her entering the theater with his own eyes. Zorba keeps raging and repledges to have her die where Jabba did, on Tatooine at the Great Pit of Carkoon.
Zorba then looks over his bounty hunters and picks out one that is the same species as Bithabus. (Is it a Bith? Because I'm guessing it's a Bith) He tells the bounty hunter, named Cobak, that he hopes he can learn magic fast.
Then we go back to Han and Leia, who are watching the curtain raise after intermission. "Bithabus" (wink wink) comes out and scans the crowd, seeming to look for someone. Once he sees Leia, he says that for his next trick he will need a volunteer from the audience. Preferably a human. And a lady. Then he points to Leia and says, well, she'll do perfectly.
Leia says she's nervous because she has stage fright, but Lando says she has to, for the good of the show. Just remember, Lando, whatever happens from this point on is on your head. The magician asks where she's from, and she says Bespin. When he asks her name, she says it's "Zelda Gizler". And when asked if she single or married (what's the point of all this again?) she says that she's almost married, and that tomorrow is the big day. Then he asks her what her married name will be, and she responds (I swear I'm not making this up) "Mrs. Zack Kluggerhorn".
The magician explains that he is going to shrink her down to the size of a pea by removing the "space between your atoms so you’ll be no bigger than a virus", then asks her to step inside a golden cage.
Leia hesitated.
"You look upset, Zelda," the magician said. "There’s absolutely nothing to fear. I can assure you, I’m not planning to ship you off to be a slave in the spice mines of Kessel!"
At this the audience bursts out laughing, although I couldn't tell you why. Eventually Leia takes a deep breath and steps inside the cage.
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| This is a plan made of win. |
As soon the door on the cage closes, two bounty hunters jump out from the side of the stage-
TZZZZZT!!
and shoot out the lights in the building as shrieks come up from the audience. Then more bounty hunters jump out from their hiding places and fire around randomly. Moments later the lights come back on, and Leia is now nowhere to be seen. So Zorba continues his reign as the only character in this series who doesn't waste any time.
Han and Lando jump onto the stage, but can find no clue as to where Leia has gone to. Meanwhile, the Zorba Express takes off, leaving Hologram Fun World, with Leia onboard. Tibor brings Leia to Zorba, while she is still in the cage.
Zorba laughs cruelly ("A-haw-haw-haw . . . !") and introduces himself as Jabba's father and says "And nobody is better at getting even with a murdering Princess like you than a clever old Hutt like me!" Corny, but at the moment accurate. Leia says she didn't murder anyone, because she is a diplomat, and only attacks if she's defending herself. They go back and forth for a while about whether Jabba deserved it for his crimes, but Zorba says that there is no use arguing with someone who will be dead in a few hours. I think I'm...beginning to like Zorba. Oh God, this is like Stockholm Syndrome, isn't it?
Anyway, Zorba tells her that he's going to drop her in the Pit of Carkoon, and then says the same thing we've always known, that it takes the Sarlacc one thousand years to digest it's victims. And I wonder the same thing I always wondered as a kid. As bad as that sounds, it's not like you'll actually be feeling the digesting for one thousand years, right? I mean, wouldn't you die of starvation in a few weeks tops? Probably of thirst well before that? And, even if you were somehow able to get food and water down there (which I am by no means conceding) you'd die of old age in a few decades. Anyway, always thought that line was weird, but death is bad enough, so we'll move on.
Where was I?
"A-haw-haw-haw . . . !"
Ah, thanks. Yeah, Zorba is laughing again. Then Zorba says that she's not the only prisoner aboard this ship, and asks if she would like to meet the other one. Zorba then presses a button, and a door behind Leia's cage opens. In it she sees, well, I'll just show you.
You know, I don't even care that this makes no sense. Things are looking up.
We now rejoin Han and Lando, who are on the stage wondering where the hell Leia went. They discover the real Bithabus, who has been stuffed inside a bright red cabinet that was a spare for the magic show.
FWAAAAP!
That is the sound of Han shooting a "short, well-aimed blast" through the ropes that were fastened around the magicians wrists and legs. When Han asks him how this happened, Bithabus says that he doesn't remember much. During intermission, he had found himself surrounded by bounty hunters who ordered him to take off his costume. (Are we talking to a naked Bith at this time?) A Bith named Cobak then put on his costume, and then Bithabus adds, "I think I recall someone saying this was Zorba the Hutt’s trap to catch Princess Leia." Talkative bunch of bounty hunters, those were.
Han pounds his fist against the wall and calls Zorba a "slimy, foul, disgusting, ugly, odorous, slobbering, dirty rotten slug." Bithabus then says that a bounty hunter named Tibor said that "Leia's punishment will fit the crime!" Jesus, did he say anything else? Because he might as well have said "They took her to Tatooine!" because now Han says that this must mean they're taking her to the Pit of Carkoon.
Lando is dismayed at the thought of going back there (which actually makes sense) and the two of them run out of the theater towards the Falcon, picking up Threepio and Artoo along the way. Once on board, Lando says he notices a few modifications since he owned it. He asks if it still makes that "whining noise when you give it the juice." Han says no, and everyone seems to have forgotten that Lando just piloted this thing like a year ago at Endor. Han says they're going to make it to Tatooine in thirty-three standard time parts "or my name isn't Zack Kluggerhorn." Which is actually kind of funny. Props.
Suddenly they hear a female voice from behind them asking if Han has lost his touch, and they turn around to see Leia! (wait for it...) Han is excited, but then notices something strange about her eyes and tries to trick her, asking what colors are the gems on the wedding ring she bought him. Leia says she doesn't want to ruin the surprise, and Han says "Aha!" because the real Leia would have known that Han already saw it, and says that she must be the "Project Decoy Human Replica Droid." (...there it is)
Suddenly Luke Skywalker popped out from behind the large, horizontal stabilizer at the rear of the cockpit. "I never could fool you, Han," Luke said.
Ken poked his head out too, smiling with delight at being able to surprise Han and Lando. "Fugo fixed the laser unit in the droid’s eyes, Han," Ken said.
Oh good, I would have been so sad if we weren't bring Ken along with us, too. Luke explains that Mon Mothma received a report saying that both the Falcon and the Zorba Express were heading to Hologram Fun World, so he and Ken grabbed the fake Leia and head out. Chewie wanted to come, too, but he stayed behind to help restrain Triclops when necessary.
Luke then congratulates Han for proposing and welcomes him to the family, then Han fills Luke in on what happened. Everyone now being caught up, they fly away to go to Tatooine. However, neither they nor Zorba knew that at this very moment a large Imperial ship was orbiting Tatooine. This ship is called (I feel like I should have a build up for this) the "Moffship", and it is the official ship for the Imperial Grand Moffs. That's right folks, we've got another Mofference coming!
"The grand moffs were holding a secret conference-a Mofference." That makes me giggle. Leading this Mofference is none other than Grand Moff Pointy-teeth himself, Hissa. Last time we saw him, you may remember, his lower half was being eaten away at by acid. Apparently a storm trooper had come along and saved his life, but now he is in a hovering chair, since he no longer has any legs. Oh, also, he has mechanical arms now, because those were melted away, too.
Hissa is telling, um, people, that any Prophet of the Dark Side who tries to enter his Moffship will be taken hostage. He says that it's the only way to bargain with Kadann. But I'm thinking it's not too likely that a Prophet is going to just randomly try to enter the ship, but whatever, he's angry, I get that.
The Grand Moffs all talk about how they heard rumors that Kadann wants to disband the Grand Moffs all together, because they had been loyal to Trioculus. Then Emdee the medical droid enters and says that they just noticed the Zorba Express coming out of hyperspace. Then all the Grand Moffs start gnashing their teeth and talking about how Zorba is the one who captured Trioc and fucked up their plans to begin with.
The Grand Moffs then use their tractor beam to pull the Zorba Express "closer . . . and closer .. ." At that moment, the Falcon shows up, and sees that now they not only have Zorba to deal with, but the Grand Moffs as well. (What does this ship have "Moffship" branded on the side?)
 |
| It does now!! |
The Grand Moffs surround the Zorba Express, which is now sitting in a docking bay on the Moffship. Stormtroopers break open the boarding hatch, and a fight ensues between them and the bounty hunters. The stormtroopers actually prove effective for the first time ever, and manage to capture Zorba and the bounty hunters alive. It helps that Hissa shoots "smoke, gas, and chemical agents" into the cockpit himself.
They tied up Zorba by his stubby hands with chains, and his "yellow, reptilian eyes were unable to shed tears, but they became red, glassy, and moist." They then attach the chain his wrists are tied to to a hoist, and lift him up in the air. That's some good engineering there.
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| It's also pretty hilarious! |
Zorba is all "curse you" this and "A-haw-haw-haw . . . !" that, but clearly he's in a bad position here. Hissa hovers over to the Zorba Express, and smells frozen carbonite, then saying he wants the entire ship searched. Soon they tell Hissa they found a hidden door, which Hissa then tears open with his bare (mechanical) hands. Behind the door is Trioculus, of course. Now Hissa is beside himself with happiness and praise for his "Dark Lord", who was only ever a puppet to begin with.
Hissa is rather confused now, though, because he thought Kadann had vaporized Trioc. Zorba then says from outside the ship that he wouldn't have been stupid enough to store the real Trioculus frozen block in a public museum, and that Kadann had destroyed a fake. Which is, once again, a good point from Zorba.
Hissa orders a group of stormtroopers to remove the block "and take it to the power modulator. Then send a low-level current from the modulator to the carbonite and melt it, setting Trioculus free!" This is done immediately, and Trioc slowly emerges, now once again awake and free.
The three-eyed tyrant took one breath, then another, grimacing and gritting his teeth as though each inhalation wracked him with pain. As Hissa remained at his side, Trioculus’s breaths slowly began to flow more naturally, and the agony of his first moments of release from the carbonite faded.
Trioc asks Hissa what happened to the Grand Moff's body, and Hissa fills him in. Trioc asks what Kadann has done, because surely he remained loyal to Trioc, since he gave him his dark blessing. (Stupid, stupid man) Then Hissa tells him everything else (Kadann declaring himself the new Emperor, that sort of thing) and Trioc gets all pissy.
Hissa takes Trioc on a tour of his totally awesome Moffship while Trioc recounts "his merciless murders of days gone by". The whole time, Zorba's laughter can be heard echoing through the corridors of the ship. Hissa then asks Trioc to try shutting the Hutt up. Trioc tells the Hutt that he plans to cut him into little pieces and feed him to beetles, but Zorba says that if he does that he'll never find Princess Leia. (Oh yeah, I forgot, isn't Leia supposed to be around here somewhere at the moment?)
Trioc catches his breath at the mere mention of Leia's name, because he longs to "make Leia appreciate the ways of darkness and evil", after which he plans on making Leia his bride. He orders Zorba to be let down, against the wishes of the Grand Moffs, and demands Zorba tell him where Leia is. Zorba tells him to be patient, then slithers back into his ship, saying that if the stormtroopers were clever they would have found her by now. Zorba then opens the door to the cargo bay (the stormtroopers didn't look in the cargo bay?) and Trioc sees Leia in her gold cage.
The cage is moved to Hissa's personal quarters, which Trioc has taken as his own. Leia is giving him the silent treatment (Seriously, the book says exactly that) thinking back to the last time they had been together on Bespin.
"The most powerful man in the galaxy, Master of the Dark Side and ruler of the Galactic Empire, commands that you accept his fond affection," Trioculus addressed her. "Will you renounce the Rebel Alliance and give me your hand in marriage, Princess Leia?"
Not exactly charming her pants off, I have to say. Leia says she's already accepted a marriage proposal to Han Solo, and Trioc gets really mad at this. He asks if Han can give her all that he himself can give her, and Leia says that he's just a has-been and a fraud. Trioc tries to change tactics, and asks if it will please her to see Zorba tossed into the Pit of Carkoon, but Leia just says to do with the Hutt whatever he wants.
He asks if revenge against Zorba will please her, and Leia unloads on him.
"The Empire blew up my home planet of Alderaan," Leia replied, clutching the bars of her cage. "The Empire snuffs out freedom and liberty wherever it exists. They murder the brave soldiers of the Alliance, who fight to bring back the laws and justice of the Old Republic. If you’re really the ruler of the Empire as you claim, Trioculus, then you’re a thousand times more of an enemy to me than Zorba the Hutt."
To which Trioc replies, "So, you still refuse to accept me," which kind of show cases just how dense Trioc is. Trioc asks if she would rather be turned back over to Zorba, and Leia thinks for a minute, realizes that she needs to buy some time for Han to rescue her, and says that she doesn't want to go with Zorba. Trioc feels that this is progress, and heads out to talk to Hissa, who is still by Zorba. He tells Hissa to make preparations for his wedding, and to "Find the Dark Book of Imperial Justice, and I’ll show you the passage that you’re to read at the ceremony. We’ll hold the wedding here in the Moffship, just as soon as we’ve sent Zorba the Hutt to his doom. He’s to be swallowed by the Mouth of Sarlacc, as planned!"
Zorba starts yelling at this, and Trioc says that well, he lied about letting Zorba go free, and tells his pilots to descend to the Pit of Carkoon.
Then we're at the Pit of Carkoon where a Tusken Raider and his Bantha have apparently fallen into the Sarlacc's mouth. How, I have no idea, since it's pretty gigantic and hard to fucking miss.
As the Moffship approaches the pit, the Falcon flies up behind it in an apparent blind spot. The Falcon attaches itself to the "upper access hatch" and rides piggyback. Han, Luke, Ken, and Lando, accompanied by the Human Replica Droid of Leia, all climb into the Moffship "totally unnoticed". Threepio, who is staying on the Falcon, cries after them how terrible this plan is, and is all doom and gloom, saying it's suicide and shit. Luke says that Threepio is overruled, and then asks Fake Leia if she can find Leia. Fake Leia says of course she can, because it is one of her primary functions. Apparently Fake Leia has a homing device installed that finds Leia by the "vibrations of her biorhythm". So Fake Leia leads the way, and they head off into the Moffship.
Then we're back to the Grand Moffs, who are looking out over the Pit of Carkoon. Ten stormtroopers have surrounded Zorba, and they are dressed in "sandtrooper uniforms," just in case Trioc wants them to step foot on Tatooine. "Each stormtrooper wore an eighteen-piece antiblaster cocoon shell with a heat-reflective coating, a helmet with breathing filters, and a utility belt that had a food-and-water pack."
Trioc walks Leia out to see Zorba, while "[t]hrusting out his chest confidently and ceremoniously", however that looks. Zorba is hoisted up by his wrists above the viewport window, cursing Trioc's "parents and grandparents for ten generations" and all that. Trioc is ignoring that, and pointing to the Sarlacc, saying "that’s where you wanted to send Leia...But now it’s you who shall be executed instead. Go to your death, Zorba-and die like the slug you are!" Ouch.
Trioc then presses a button on the wall, and the viewport below Zorba opens. Then he tries to mock Zorba by doing his best to imitate his laugh "Ah-haha-haaaa!", which is rather funny to picture. Then Trioc releases the chain holding up Zorba, calling after him, "Who’s laughing now, Zorba?"
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| Holy shit, this book just got fucking amazing. |
Everyone aboard the Moffship watches as Zorba hits the ground right next to the Sarlacc, and then rolls and tumbles down to fall inside the mouth. Well, so much for the only slightly competent villain in these books.
Trioc, however, isn't even watching this, because he can't take his eyes off of Leia. He thinks he sees Leia smile with relief. Or is it grimace? He can't tell, but I think he better learn if he's going to marry her. Trioc says she should be grateful, and Leia says she'll be grateful once Trioc is assassinated. He says the Dark Side is strong with her, but Leia says that she's a Jedi (no she's not) and that being a Jedi protects her from the Dark Side (no it doesn't).
Trioc calls "Grand Moff Muzzer" and tells him to have four stormtroopers take Leia to the "security observation bridge" where the wedding will be performed, and that he'll join them there soon.
Luke, Han, Lando, Ken, and Fake Leia are all watching this from hiding. As the four stormtroopers pass by them (I'm assuming out of ear shot of Trioc and the gang) they ambush the stormtroopers. Leia is happy to see all of them. Well, almost all of them. She's a bit concerned/creeped out by Fake Leia. Han, Luke, Lando, and Ken all put on the stormtrooper uniforms (Ken's is a bit big, but when has that ever stopped this trick from working) and drop the four unconscious and now naked stormtroopers in a garbage chute...and oh dear god...
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| I'm not joking, HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?! |
Luke then tells Fake Leia to proceed to the security observation bridge and says that she knows what to do.
Then the good guys all head back to the Falcon, while we go and see Trioc arrive on the security observation bridge. Trioc thinks it's weird that Leia's guards are gone, but "Leia" is there, so that's good enough for him. (...dumbass)
He walks up to her, says she's looking lovely, and hands her "a dozen black zinthorn flowers" for a wedding bouquet. "Leia" accepts the flowers, and Hissa steers his chair to position it behind the "turbolaser access shaft" which will apparently act as the altar for this.
All the Grand Moffs enter, talking amongst themselves about whether or not this is a good plan of Trioc's. Then Hissa begins the wedding.
Grand Moff Hissa opened the Dark Book of Imperial Justice and began reading aloud. "We are witnesses to a momentous event," he began, "the marriage of our Imperial ruler to Princess Leia Organa, who shall now of her own free will renounce the Rebel Alliance and offer her eternal allegiance to the Dark Side! Thus, Leia will prepare herself to follow in the path of her father, Darth Vader, and at last shall become our queen-the Queen of the Empire!"
Then Hissa, for some reason, points out that, by Imperial law, when the Emperor takes a wife, she becomes his personal property, "obliged to obey his every word and bow down before him whenever he wishes a show of obedience." That's...do the authors realize what that sounds like? Moving on before I say something I'll regret.
Trioc smiles at this (perv) and looks at Leia, who he notices suddenly looks different. "What’s wrong, Leia?" he asks. "You look different. Is something the matter?"
Turns out "looks different" means her eyes were glowing green, and...well...
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| 1. I ain't even mad. 2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |
ZZZZZZZZCH!
The lasers burn a hole right through his fucking chest, as he cries out "Ahhhhhhh! Demon of darknesssss......." He curls up on the floor as blood pours out with every beat of his heart.
THUMP . . . THUMP . . . THUMP
That's getting a little disturbing for a kids book. Hissa freaks out, takes out a gun, and shoots "Leia" over and over again. Then he freaks out and the artificial skin melts off her face, and everyone sees that Leia is actually a robot. "The Rebel Alliance had deceived them once again." To be fair, it wasn't that hard this time.
Inside the Falcon, Han and Leia are "embracing", Artoo is squealing "Chnoooch-tzeepch!", and Threepio and Luke are pointing out that their still attached to the Moffship, so they might want to think about victory sex later. Han then moves to the controls "and demonstrated his well-established skills and expertise in interstellar piloting". You just can't fake that kind of talent in writing, folks.
Anyway, the Falcon is flying away at FTL speed, and Han mentions that maybe eloping wasn't the best idea. Leia says that's true, because now they can have a big wedding and "invite Luke and Lando and Ken and Baji and Mon Mothma and Chewie-" and Han breaks in then, asking just how big this wedding is going to be. Then they talk for a while about the wedding party, but it's boring as hell. For example, Artoo wants to be "best droid" at the wedding, but Threepio has a problem with that. Wonderful.
Meanwhile, Emdee is struggling to save Trioc's "fading life" as the Moffship flies away.
The End....
Oh wait, one more thing. We're back at the Pit of Carkoon now, and suddenly there's a loud cough, burp, and then the Sarlacc spits out Zorba the Hutt. Zorba brushes the "sticky stomach juices" off (...ewww) and says,
"Well, I didn’t care for the taste of you, either!" Zorba exclaimed. "You should know better than to try to swallow a Hutt! No creature in the galaxy can digest us-not even you!" Then he slithers off into the horizon, laughing the whole way.
"A-HAW-HAW-HAWWWWW......!"
Which manages to be the strangest ending to these books yet. Tune in later for the start of the final book in the Jedi Prince series, Prophets of the Dark Side!
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