Let's Read Jedi Prince 2: The Lost City of the Jedi!

Once again we are treated to a wonderful book cover by Drew Struzan. There's flowers, but at least there's no whales, which I'm taking as a very good sign. And there's Stormtroopers!

Are you excited yet?

We start with Luke walking up to Han's warehouse (?) and we see a small mechanical eye pop out of the front door.

BJEE-DITZZZ! BJEE-DITZZZ!

Oh good, we're still doing the droid sounds. Goody.

Anyway, it tells Luke to show his galactic ID card and to hold his hand out for a fingerprint check. Because, you know, not only does Han now have a warehouse, but he's paranoid about security. Luke says this is because the warehouse is in Port Town, which is one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Cloud City. (Oh, I guess we're in Cloud City)

Luke puts his left hand out, because his right mechanical hand doesn't have any fingerprints. "It was mechanical, a replacement for his real right hand, which he lost in a lightsaber duel with the evil Darth Vader." Yeah, we've all seen the movies, we remember what happened. And I'm pretty sure Luke wouldn't think of him as "the evil Darth Vader", probably more like "his father". Oh, uh, spoiler alert for a movie that's over thirty years old, I guess.

ZHOOOOOM!

The door just opened. Chewie is here, and he greets Luke with a "Rooow-rowf." You know, what's wrong with just saying, "Chewie roared in greetings." It's not like I can read Wookiee or anything. Luke tells him to go easy with the hugging, because he has a bruised shoulder. It seems that Luke, R2, and 3PO are in Cloud City because Lando requested SPIN (that's the Senate Planetary Intelligence Network for those who forgot or just don't care) with an issue he's been having. It seems food pirates... 

...have been breaking into big hotels and food storage companies, stealing the food, and shipping it off to a secret Imperial base. The Empire needed the food for its Stormtroopers.

R2 has designed a "Warning and Detection Device-a WADD" (as my own warning, I feel I should tell you that this book is when the acronyms start getting out of hand) to protect the food warehouses. We don't see how these actually work, but we're told that Luke and the droids just finished installing some, and decided to drop in on Han.

"ChNOOOOg-bzeeep," tooted Artoo to Chewbacca. "KROOOpch shbeeek znooob pvOOOM!"

Apparently this is R2 saying that Luke's shoulder is bruised because he was kicked by a pirate. R2 seems to be more a part of conversations in these books than ever before, and I'm none too happy about this. Then we see Han, who greets Luke with, "Hey, kiddo," from under his unfinished house, which is floating in the air.

Is it? Because right now it looks like Han's fixing a fireplace.

And everyone just looks so damn happy. Han dusts himself off, then asks how Princess Leia is doing. Luke says she misses him, and Han is excited about this. I don't know why, since he left her to build his dream house with his best male buddy, but there you go. Luke then says he's impressed by how big Han's house is. Han then starts going on and on about how this is some new concept he just came up with, a floating house. "If you don’t like the cloud you’re living on, you just drift off to another one." So apparently Han is now an inventor. Because his character needed that addition.

This description of Han's house goes on for quite a while. "Han’s house had outdoor observation decks, a big kitchen under a transparent dome, lots of bedrooms with floating beds, a circular living room that could be turned to face any direction, a workroom for building everything from blasters to airspeeders, a two-cloud-car garage, and --" yeah, whatever. Luke asks R2 if he's impressed, and we get this:

"Chziiiich!" Artoo tooted enthusiastically, indicating that he was very impressed indeed.

So I guess that was an enthusiastic toot. Luke asks why there's so many bedrooms, and if they're for future kids. Han says he doesn't want to give up the bachelor life, but that there's always a chance. And this is what passes for witty dialogue between friends in these books.

Luke looked his old friend straight in the eye. "Come on, Han," he said, "you can tell me. Were you thinking about marrying my sister Leia when you built this huge place?" 

Han just laughed. "If I ever do decide to get married, which is highly improbable, Leia is at the top of my list. But this is all just wild speculation."

Just a couple of dudes, talking about marriage and family. You know, like guys do. Han puts on a chef's apron (I'm not kidding) and makes some spicy Corellian food in his "nanowave stove". Chewie, however, treats them all to one of his "zoochberry pies". I'd like to remind everyone they are reading a Star Wars book right now, because I think it could be easy to forget.

Luke says they should be going, and asks Han if he's sure he doesn't want to help SPIN. Han says he's too preoccupied building his sky house and passes. Luke straps himself into his Y-Wing (why is he flying a Y-Wing, exactly?) and presses the power button, but nothing happens. Well, nothing other than "KLIK-KLIK-KLIK". He leans in closer to look, and 3PO tells him to be careful, because that sound could mean-

BROOOOMMPF!

There's an explosion that throws Luke back onto the floor, and tears open his mechanical hand. Han and Chewie run out to help, and it's a mess of "You seem to be in pretty bad shape, kiddo," Han said, and "Oh, I do hope you’ll be okay, Master Luke," said Threepio, "Grrooooof!" moaned Chewbacca, and "Dweeeep dzeeen-boop!" Artoo tooted. Chewie holds up what used to be a "miniature bomb detonator" that's manufactured by the Empire.

Lando gets Luke transported to the Cloud City Hospital, where they find out that beyond some bruises, the worst thing that happened to Luke is that his mechanical hand is broken. He can't bend the fingers, and the replacement parts can't be found on Cloud City. He would need to go back to Yavin 4 for that. Han decides that his sky house will have to wait for now, because Luke needed a pilot to bring him back to Yavin. So they all climb in the Falcon and head back to Yavin.

There they are met in the landing bay by Princess Leia. Han tells her not to worry, that Luke had been attacked, "but fortunately your brother’s like a Kowakian lizard-monkey that has nine lives." 

What's a Kowakian Lizard-Monkey? Well, at least this time the authors aren't pulling something out of their asses, except the actual term is Kowakian Monkey-Lizard. And yes, you have seen it before.

Admit it, the second you saw this picture, you heard the laugh.

Han and Leia share a "very long kiss", then seem to remember they have Luke on board the ship. While Luke's in the hospital, recovering from the operation that has now fixed his hand (I'm 5 pages in, and Luke's hand has already been broken and fixed), Leia asks his permission to send the droids to the neighboring town of Vornez. It seems they just got some protocol droids in from Tatooine, and they don't know as many languages as 3PO. They've also never been taught now to interpret the beeps of an astromech droid either, which makes them pretty shitty protocol droids, considering that even an X-Wing can do that.

A few days later, Luke goes back to his private hideaway on Yavin, which is a small white stone tower built by the Massasi. He looks out the window, takes in the jungle view, then lays down to go to sleep.

And now we're in Luke's dream. In it, he's on a secret mission, flying in his airspeeder above some trees. Suddenly the forest burts into flames. Luke starts coughing, and the ship goes down. He jumps out, through the vines and trees, and lands with a thud. In front of him is a large circular wall made of blocks of green marble. "In the center of the circle was a tubular transport for descending underground." It's an elevator. It's okay, you can say "elevator", we won't be mad at it for not being enough Star Wars-y enough.

Luke then sees Obi-Wan at the wall, waving him closer.

"Luke," said Obi-Wan, "this is the entrance that leads underground to the Lost City of the Jedi. The entire history of the galaxy and all its worlds is recorded there, protected by the caretaker droids of the city. Your destiny is linked to one who lives down there."

Just how many secret cities, or ships, or data storage areas did the Jedi setup over the years? They seem to be every where. Then Obi Wan tells him to memorize a code, and I swear to god I'm not making this up: "JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE."

Suddenly Luke wakes up from his dream. He walks over to the window, and looks out, wondering what the dream could have meant. Wondering what it could have meant? As far as dreams go, that's about as specific as they come. I mean, it even gave you a freakin' code. Here's a hint, you have to find the Lost City of the Jedi, and use the code at some point.

Luke figures this out, I guess, because he runs down stairs, jumps in his airspeeder, and flies over the forest like in his dream. I guess he's hoping the forest bursts into flames now too. Sadly, it doesn't. He doesn't know where he's going, but he just keeps flying, because he trusts the Force.

And now here's where the series really jumps the fucking rails. Oh, you thought it couldn't get worse than "Whaladons" and people thinking that there are magic gloves that let you choke people? Yeah, get ready for this.

"Ken was sound asleep when his pet mooka leapt onto his bed and licked his face, trying to wake him." 

Oh, where to begin? Here we get our first sighting of Ken. Who's Ken, might you ask? Good question. Ken is the reader. And I'm only kind of kidding. You'll see what I mean as I continue, but it seems the authors are force feeding us that Ken is just like you! You know, you being a kid, since these are kids books. For example, in this introduction we also get, "It was like this every morning. When would his mooka learn that boys didn’t like to get out of bed in the morning? Especially twelve-year-old boys like Ken who always went to bed late." See? Ken doesn't like getting out of bed! Just like you!

"Kshhhhhhhh," the mooka cried. "Kshhhhhhhh."

The mooka, however, is not just like you. That thing is just annoying as hell.

It's also disturbingly ugly. Now, for those of you who have sharp eyes, you may notice some of the toys Ken has in his room. Why, that's the Falcon! And an X-Wing! A TIE Fighter! And is that Darth Vader? And Yoda? And...Han frozen in Carbonite?! But how can this kid have action figures for Star Wars, when he seems to be in a Star Wars book? Well, we'll get to that, but I warn you, it's just as dumb as you're probably thinking. Also, apparently computers a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ran on 3.5" disk drives. Just like yours!

Apparently Ken also doesn't like the sound his mooka, named Zeebo, makes. So he's at least got that going for him. Just once he wishes he could hear the bark of a dog, or the meow of a cat. Be patient, we're getting there. He apologizes to Zeebo for thinking these thoughts of dogs and cats, and tells him really he loves him. "Besides, I’ve never even seen a cat or a dog-except in pictures in the Jedi Library." So this kid has access to a Jedi Library that taught him about dogs and cats? That's...a unique Jedi Library, I must say.

Ken grabs his computer notebook, which you can see in the picture up there, and it's what he uses to write essays and organize his assignments. (He has homework, just like you!) He kept it behind some supplies on his highest shelf so that his homework droid (this is canon), HC-100, wouldn't find it. HC-100 resembles a droid Ken has been studying named C-3PO, who belonged to a Jedi he was also studying named Luke Skywalker. Have you figured it out yet?

There's another droid named DJ-88, who is an ancient droid and is caretaker of this Library he mentioned. DJ created HC to correct and grade Ken's homework. Ken brings up a report he's working on entitled, "The moons of Yavin." The notebook tells him he got a 65 on it, and that he's a dumb fuck. Ok, not that last part, but it does tell him that he can do better than this.

"Oh no!" cries out Ken. HC must have "snuck into my dome-house, found my computer notebook, and graded my report, even though I didn’t even finish it yet!" Ken thinks this is not fair. (Again, try to remember you're reading Star Wars) He thinks about how he won't miss HC at all when he leaves today for his secret journey to Topworld. (Congrats to the writers for deftly handling the exposition there.)

Ken then considers Chip, short for Microchip, who is Ken's best and only friend. Oh yeah, Chip is a droid as well. Sorry, this may seem like it's just a list of droid characters now, but that's really how it's being presented. Here's Ken and all his wacky droid buddies. Also, apparently he calls DJ "Deejay". And they dedicated a whole paragraph to that. Dee-Jay teaches Ken astronomy, ecology, computers, and about fifteen other subjects.

"In a way, Zeebo," Ken said, "it was thanks to Dee-Jay that I finally discovered the code to make the tubular transport leave here and go Topworld." My God, how did you figure out that puzzler. "Of course Dee-Jay doesn’t know that I know it. I peeked into one of his files-a file he told me was none of my business." Oh, you cheated. Right. He talks about how he knows it was wrong to peek, but he just wants to visit Topworld so much, even though none of the droids will let him.

"A very pleasant wake up to you, Ken," said the boy-shaped silver droid, who had flexible, ribbed arms and legs that could bend in almost any direction. "I see that you’ve hardly even begun to get ready to go to the library for your lessons with Dee-Jay. I’ll have to stop trusting the mooka to wake you up on time."

As boring as this stuff is to read a summary of, believe me it's even more boring to try and make interesting. We'll get through this part, don't worry.

Ken talks about how he likes the color silver, and how he thinks that might be because of the "semitransparent, silvery crystal he always wore around his neck." Or maybe it was because Chip was silver. Way to drop a subtle reference to the crystal there. Chip yells at Ken for not being ready yet, and Ken says he happens to like his hair messy. (...just like you!)

HC then comes in, and speaks in a voice that sounds like "a sergeant in the Rebel Alliance army." He says it's time for homework corrections. and then bitches to Ken about how shitty his Yavin report was. Ken says it wasn't even done yet, and blah blah blah. HC looks at his notebook and sees what work Ken is currently working on. There's the essay on the Force, the quiz on the Great Wars against the Empire, how he's learned to spell Palpatine's name correctly, and...oh no, Ken said Luke piloted the Millenium Falcon in the battle against the first Death Star instead of Han! Oh well that just won't do.

Ken says he must have been daydreaming, and then we get some more info about that crystal around his neck while his hands holds it.

It was shaped like half a sphere, veined with deep blue lines and attached to a thin, silver chain. Ken had worn that crystal as long as he could remember, since the days before he had been brought to this underground place as a very young child. Ken didn’t know who had given it to him. And if any of the droids knew, none of them had ever been willing to answer any questions about it.

Ken says he's been daydreaming about what it would be like to actually meet Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, and fly on the Falcon! (He wants to be in the world of Star Wars, just like you!) HC says that, as DJ has said, there's no reason to go to Topworld. Down here, there's no evil, up there there's the Dark Side. Ken says that he's not afraid of the Dark Side.

Chip starts brushing Ken's teeth (what?) and lets slip that Ken is important so nothing should happen to him. Ken asks what makes him so important and HC basically guilt trips him by saying that he should be grateful he's been raised by such nice droids. They treat him like royalty after all, like a prince...a Jedi Prince. Yes, they say this.

Ken asks how he came to be there, and HC says DJ is the droid who was programmed to tell him that, once he decides he's ready. The scene goes on for a while longer, but it's really just Ken bitching about how he feels he's ready, and HC says no and keeps grading his homework. Ken also complains about how he doesn't have any human friends.

Eventually Ken leaves his dome-house and we get to see the underground city he lives in.

There's a description, but it's actually less helpful than the picture above. Basically, it's underground, and there's a lot of droids walking around.

The droids were always busy-modifying the computers, making new droids, repairing old droids, working the power generators, and cleaning and maintaining the hundreds of domes throughout the city. Occasionally they even went Topworld for supplies, and to update the history of the galaxy for the Jedi Library.

I guess they don't have a connection to the Internet (sorry, Holonet) they could use to update the histories from the city. He comes to a fork that could lead towards the library, but decides to go the other direction towards the "tubular transport shaft" elevator. He takes out a key card he made in "Droid Repair Class" and inserts it.

VWOOOOP!

Oh good, it had been too long since we had a stupid sound effect. The elevator door opens but Ken hears a noise behind him. It's Chip, and he starts telling Ken how this is "very irregular". He tells him it's forbidden, that he's not allowed to go topside until he's a man. "Besides, you didn’t take your vitamin syrup."

They go back and forth for a while, until Ken grabs Chip and drags him into the elevator with him. He hits the button labled "Topworld" and heads up.

PHWOOOOOSH!

The door opens with a DZZZZZT! and Ken steps out into the rain forest. He has a faint memory of having seen the rain forest before, but he think he must have been a very small child at the time. He also has a memory of a Jedi Master in a brown robe carrying him down to the safety of the city built by ancient Jedi Knights. There he had left Ken with no reminders of his past, other than the crystal around his neck. Ken starts walking around the rain forest, and soon finds that he's lost. Is it wrong to hope he gets eaten by some surface predator?

"As Trioculus’s Imperial strike cruiser plunged through deep space..." Oh hell, here we go again...

So yes, we are now back with Trioculus as he and Grand Moff Hissa (he's the guy with pointy teeth...because he's EVIL!) are flying through space and Hissa is thinking back to their daring escape from Skywalker on Mon Calamari. I'm trying to go as far as I can without mentioning the plot of the last book, so let's move on.

Some guy named Grand Moff Dunhausen rushes over, and he's apparently Hissa's most trusted commander. Shouldn't Dunhausen and Hissa be the same rank, both just below Trioc? I mean, he is a Grand Moff. Whatever, not important, just a thought. As Dunhausen rushes over, we hear his earrings jangling. He's the one from the first book who was wearing the absolutely darling earrings shaped like little laser blasters, because that's what passes for characterization in these books. Turns out Dunhausen is bringing Hissa bad news, which is too bad because he was really hoping to bring good news to Trioc. Something like, I don't know, there being a sale on contact solution.

Anyway, Hissa goes up to Trioc and gives him the bad news.

Turns out Grand Admiral Grunger still refuses to acknowledge Trioc's right to rule, that is until "Kadann, as Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, officially gives you his dark blessing." If Kadann were to do this, Grunger would withdraw any objections he has and will order his fleet to obey Trioc's command.

Trioc asks, "And what is his excuse for withholding his loyalty?" and I start wondering if he's even listening. Hissa just said what his excuse is, you haven't been given a "dark blessing" from some prophet of the Dark Side. But Hissa says it's because Grunger has doubts that Trioc is the real son of the Emperor. Good instincts. He's not the only one apparently, as COMPNOR, who is the Commission for the Preservation of the New Order and apparently "a group of powerful, brutal Imperial terrorists", also refuses to follow him until Kadann gives his blessing.

"Trioculus furiously blinked all three of his eyes-his two ordinary ones, plus his third eye," (thank god they spelled that out for us) and wonders what more that "black-bearded dwarf" wants. I mean, he's wearing the glove of the former Emperor's right hand man. What else do people want from their leaders? Hissa says Kadann wants to examine the glove personally to confirm it's authenticity. He suggests Trioc respect and be wary of Kadann, as Hissa assumes he'll try to trick Trioc. And test him.

Hissa also says it's important that Trioc tell the truth to Kadann, no matter what he asks. "No one has ever deceived the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side and lived to tell about it." Trioc frowns and takes his anger out on a control knob, which turns on a light outside that is searching for their destination, the Space Station Scardia, which is home to the Prophets of the Dark Side.

Then suddenly we're back with Luke on Yavin 4, as he's speeding above the trees of the rain forest, "racing madly without giving any thought to where he was going." He thinks that it's like someone else is piloting, or that he is being pulled towards a location by a power greater than his own. You know, you can just say it's the Force, if we're reading this book it's a fair bet we're okay with that.

As he speeds away from the Massasi Temples, he suddenly sees a stone sticking out very slightly above the tree tops. Being no where near as impressive as the temples he left behind, this clearly must be something interesting so he slows down to take a closer look. As he gets closer he sees that it's a steeple at the top of a small temple hidden (although not that well) amongst the trees. He lands beneath the trees, at a place that has so much foliage that the sun can barely shine through.

Luke feels the Force pulling him to a location past the flowers and vines in front of him. He also hears a small voice in his head, telling him to go back. He thinks that Princess Leia, Han, and Chewie would be worried about him by now, but then thinks fuck it and goes ahead anyway.

Suddenly he hears someone speak in rhyme, and he stops in his tracks. "You come from afar, So very welcome you are." And yes, this thing will always speak in rhyme. I guess it's their attempt to have another "wise" character speak all funny. Anyway, an alien is suddenly there, leaning over. The thing is about 9 feet tall, has green skin, and instead of hair has snakelike vines on it's head.

"Baji is my name, I’m glad that you came."

Luke puts his hand on his lightsaber and asks what Baji is, so he clearly doesn't make the best first impressions. Baji (in rhyme, FUCK) says that he (I looked it up, it's a 'he') is a Ho’Din healer, and that he heals the plants on Yavin. He holds up a flower that Luke smells (apparently he trusts him now). Baji then says in a round about way (more rhyming) that Ho'Din healers never lie, and that the flower cures blindness.

Suddenly Luke sees something made of a gleaming metal behind the trees, jumps back, and ignites his lightsaber. He then demands that whatever is out there come forward right now. Whatever it is doesn't, so Luke says that this is the last warning, and to come out. Or what, you'll just stab your lightsaber into the brush? That's not very Jedi of you.

A small silver plated droid steps out and talks about how this is highly irregular. Well, it didn't take long for them to meet up. Luke asks why the droid is spying on them, when a boy steps out of the forest (nice senses there, Luke, not noticing the boy) and says, "Don't blame Chip." He says that he was the one who said they should come here. He then warns Luke that if he's an agent of the Empire, then they'll never take him alive! Apparently his studies of Luke Skywalker never included a picture...and none of his little action figures have faces apparently. Luke smiles, tells him he's not an Imperial agent. In fact, he says, he's probably fought (read: brutally murdered) more Stormtroopers than the boy can count.

"And my dad killed more kids than either of us can count!"

 He then asks the boy's name, and the boy of course says it's Ken. He also says he was never given a last name.

He then starts unloading to Luke, who is someone whom he's never met but just threatened him, about his life story. He then also asks if Luke always asks strangers so many questions. Considering the fact that Ken seems to give more info than is asked of him, this confuses me more than a little.

Ken steps closer, and Chip tries to but his legs are caught in a vine. Luke says he'll help and...

FWOOP!

...he cuts the vine with his lightsaber. Overkill one might say, but it gets the job done. He then turns off his lightsaber and returns it to his belt. Ken then asks for everyone's names, and Baji gives his and says he's from Moltok. Luke introduces himself as Commander Skywalker, "Jedi Knight and Alliance pilot, from Tatooine." Dude, I don't think anyone cares about the Tatooine part. Ken's mouth falls open from shock. But really, if he's been reading up on current events, how many people did he expect would be near Yavin and have a lightsaber?

Ken drops to one knee as if he's about to be knighted, and said he thought it might be him, but assumed he must have been wrong.

"Nah, just trying to walk a mile in my dad's shoes!"

Luke asks how he's heard of him, and Ken says he's studied him his entire life. Instead of weird and creepy, Luke finds this charming. Ken then starts rattling off random facts about Luke's life, like "Yoda was your Jedi Master!" and "you saved your sister, Princess Leia, from Darth Vader, who was really your own father, who turned to the Dark Side when-" and then Luke cuts him off because no one wanted these authors creating plots for the prequels before their time. Although, I'm not sure it would have hurt our chances of having good movies, in hindsight.

Chip then says that this is highly irregular (are they really trying to make "highly irregular" a catch phrase?) and that just this morning Ken thought Luke Skywalker was the captain of the Millennium Falcon, and Luke doesn't find this statement anywhere near as weird as I would. Instead he asks Ken why he ran away from home.

"You’d run away from home, too, if your only friends were droids." Which is rather depressing. Luke responds with, "The home that you ran away from, Ken-is it an underground city that was built long ago by Jedi Knights?" Amazing stuff, really.

Suddenly they hear someone approaching, and Luke's hand goes to his lightsaber. Then a large droid steps out of the forest and Ken cries out "Dee-Jay!" Okay, isn't this a massive rain forest? Like, the entire planet is covered with it? And everyone is just running into each other? Oh well, I guess the Force did it, or something.

Ken is so excited to see DJ that he drops his computer notebook. DJ says he's disappointed in Ken, and that the rules were there to protect him. Ken says he'd rather listen to Commander Skywalker, and tells Luke he wants to sign up for the Alliance. DJ apparently doesn't like this, because he goes assassin droid on them and releases a white smoke from his hands.

FWISHSHSHSH!

Right, like that. Luke coughs and tried to wave the smoke away with his hands. When the smoke clears Ken, Chip, and DJ are gone. Luke says he has to find Ken, because he has to find the city of the Jedi. Not because this boy has apparently been kidnapped and seemingly held against his will his entire life or anything, but because he wants to find the city he had a dream about. But I guess that's pretty normal for the Jedi. Baji says it's useless because they went deep into the forest (what's the point of this character again?) but Luke spots Ken's computer notebook.

The inside cover of the notebook says, "This notebook belongs to Ken, Dome-house 12, South Jedi Lane". Which I guess would be helpful once Luke finds the city, but I'm guessing it will actually help him find it in the first place somehow.

Now we're back with Trioculus, and he's being told by someone named Imperial Commodore Zuggs (who is described as beady-eyed and bald) that they are approaching the Null Zone. Trioc tells him to keep the cruiser's eye sensors tuned to look for Space Station Scardia. Apparently Space Station Scardia is a cubed shaped outpost in the Null Zone where the Prophets of the Dark Side lived. The Null Zone is interesting in that these books are the only time they are ever mentioned.

Inside the space station, the Supreme Prophet Kadann is awaiting Trioc's arrival. I guess he knows he's coming, which would make sense. Kadann is a black-beard dwarf who wears a "glittering, flowing prophet’s robe", which somehow makes him sound like the funniest looking character in these books so far. Which is quite something. When he see him, he's walking towards the "Chamber of Dark Visions" while sipping tea. But not just tea, it's "boiling tea that would have scalded the tongue of any ordinary man." Ooh, that totally makes him more scary and EVIL. He drinks super hot tea!

Some say the tea helps him tell the future through dreams. But his prophecies apparently don't always come from dreams. Most often they came from his network of spies who tend to make his prophecies come true when they wouldn't already. So, to recap, our main villain is a Dark Force using son of the Emperor who can't actually use the Dark Side of the Force and isn't the Emperor's son. Now we have a secondary villain who is a prophet who can't actually tell the future. They're not really inspiring fear with these guys. Oh wait, I forgot he drinks hot tea. Never mind.

Trioc and Hissa dock with the space station and are greeted by other prophets. Some were dwarfs like Kadann, while others, like High Prophet Jedgar, were as tall as seven feet tall. "The things they all seemed to have in common were their beards and gleaming black robes." Interestingly enough, that's how I was planning on describing this picture until they just up and said it for me.

Anyway...wait a goddamned minute...

WHAT? THE? FUCK?!?

"Trioculus, Grand Moff Hissa, I trust that our worthy visitors suffered no ill effects from gamma radiation when you reached the Null Zone," High Prophet Jedgar inquired in a soothing voice. Jedgar always played the role of gracious host whenever anyone arrived at Space Station Scardia.

Oh no book, you don't get off that fucking easy. What the flying fuck is the Ark of the fucking Covenant doing there?? Ok, I get it, Spielberg tossed in a cute little reference to Star Wars in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he had hieroglyphics of Artoo and Threepio added to the Well of the Souls.

But you have to look for that shit. It's easy to miss because you're busy watching Indy and Sallah pry open the sarcophagus of the Ark. But THAT? It just raises so many questions! How did the Prophets of the Dark Side get the Ark, when the Ark was in an entirely different galaxy? Did God make an Ark for each galaxy, and the Prophets got the one for that galaxy? If Palpatine had the Ark, why wouldn't he use it to make his armies invincible like Hitler wanted to do? Why wouldn't God have made the Empire go all melty face like (S)he did with the Nazis? Does that mean that God supported Palpatine's rise to power?!

I think something just popped in my brain.

Anyway, Trioc says they were fine, and Hissa asks about the artifacts on the walls. (Like, the Ark, I guess) Jedgar confirms that they are, indeed, awesome, and then leads them to the Chamber of Dark Visions. There they find Kadann seated at a raised podium, although he's so short he apparently still doesn't even reach Trioc's chin. He greets them with, "Dark Greetings, Slavelord Trioculus," which I guess is intended to be a burn.

Hissa points out that he is no longer simply a Slavelord but instead our new Emperor, and Kadann asks what they want, "though he already knew the answer." Is that because he's a prophet, or because it's painfully obvious? Because I also already know the answer. Trioc asks for his Dark Blessing,. "As you once gave your dark blessing to my father, Emperor Palpatine." Yep.

Kadann picks up a yellow ball and crushes it, turning it to powder. Trioc whispers into Hissa's ear that yellow is the color of a lie (what?) and wonders what he believes Trioc has lied about. Hissa says that whole part about Trioc not actually being Palpatine's son. Kadann says that Palpatine's son doesn't look like Trioculus, and Trioc defiantly says that, well, duh, I mean, he does have three eyes, just like me. This next part is important, I guess, so I'll quote it.

"Since you ask, I shall tell you exactly what I know," Kadann said, in a forceful voice that showed not even a hint of fear. "The Emperor had a son he rejected from the day that son was born-a son he sensed might grow to become even more powerful in the Dark Side than he himself. And so he banished his son to the planet Kessel, where he was forced to work in the spice mines like a common slave." Kadann stared at Trioculus and smiled slyly. "Yes, his son was born with three eyes. In that you are correct."

Then Kadann drops a bombshell, that, while the Emperor's son does have three eyes, the third eye is supposed to be in the back of his head, so he "could see his enemies from behind." He also says that Trioculus actually ruled over Palpatine's real son, then picks up a red ball, and crushes it to dust too. A breeze came through the room and blew the red dust onto Trioculus' uniform, staining them.

Trioc is understandably embarrassed. He says Kadann seems to be accusing him of murder. I guess that's what red dust means. Kadann replies, "Do you deny murdering Triclops, the Imperial royal son?" Trioc hisses at this and clenches his gloved right hand. Hissa warns him to calm down, otherwise he won't pass the test. He also says to tell Kadann the absolute truth. Um, are we getting a moral lesson in truth from the villains at this point?

Trioc tells him that though he may be a murderer, he never killed the Emperor's Son. In fact, he's still alive. Hissa cuts in and says that the Grand Moffs all decided that Triclops (that's the real son) was both mad AND criminally insane, so after Palpatine died they had to pick someone, and Triclops would have destroyed them all. So they setup Trioculus as his stand in. They picked him because he has three eyes, like the rumors said. But we know all this already, so really it's just a recap of the end of the last book, and it's over halfway through this book. That's some good storytelling there. Hissa says that Trioc understands that the Grand Moff Council is the real power behind the throne.

Trioc then steps forward and says he has completed the prophecy, and shows the glove to Kadann. Kadann inspects, and says he recognizes it, so they're cool there. But he says there is another prophecy about the one who would wear the glove of Darth Vader. Kadann picks up a silver ball and crushes that one to dust. He says that silver is the symbol of the Jedi Prince (that's oddly specific) and that there is a Jedi Prince from the Lost City of the Jedi who can destroy Trioculus (Spoiler Alert: He doesn't. What happens is far more hilarious).

Trioc gets mad and says it's a legend, and Kadann is all "is not." He says that Trioc must find the Jedi Prince and destroy him, or he will be destroyed. When he asks where to find this city, Kadann tells him it's on the largest of the four continents of the fourth moon of Yavin, and deep underground. He mentions the round wall and all that too, and says that he needs to find it very soon.

Trioc says that not only shall he find that, but he will also kill Luke Skywalker, which is odd, because no one asked him. But Kadann seems to like this and gives Trioc his Dark Blessing. Trioc smiles, but then feels a sharp pain in the center of his head, and then everything turns black.

After remaining still for a little while, he can see again, and they leave. By the way, that was the suspenceful ending to a chapter, but I felt I would go ahead and ruin it since they resolve it like two seconds into the next chapter. Anyway, Trioc doesn't tell anyone he just went blind for a second, not even his medical droid Emdee. Wouldn't have been my choice, but whatever.

Then Trioc is talking to Hissa about the Lost City, and he says that maybe Luke or someone else in SPIN knows. Hissa says that SPIN is a good place to start, and says, "I think you should send those Rebels an ultimatum-a warning so terrible that they won’t be able to ignore it."

...oh what the hell, let's keep reading.

It's a few days later, and we're back on Yavin 4. Han and Leia are in a giant conference room with the rest of SPIN, waiting for Luke to show up. He's apparently so happy to be with Leia he's put off returning to Cloud City. (read: he's getting some)

They're talking about how they're both worried about Luke, because he said he would be on time but he's late. They say he's been acting weird lately. I guess that means he's been back since looking for the City and Ken, but keeps going out in search. Not that they tell you this or anything.

Oh wait, Leia just said that Luke is now obsessed with finding some boy and the Lost City of the Jedi. So they know exactly what he's up to, and yet they are acting worried. Um, are they worried about what he's doing with this boy...? Never mind, forget I said anything. Han says that Luke never used to believe the Lost City existed, because Obi-Wan and Yoda never mentioned it. Which seems like a pretty shitty way to determine if something is real or not.

At that moment Luke walks in and apologizes for being late. He says he's still had no luck finding Ken.

The meeting gets started, and Mon Mothma is talking about some probe droids that have been spotted near Yavin when-

EEEE-AAAAA-EEEEE-AAAAA .. .

That's an alarm that's-

KCHOOOOING! KCHOOOOING!

Oh God, make it stop. Now there's apparently laser blasts that can be heard coming from the big defensive laser on the roof.

BRACHOOOOM!

And apparently they missed, because something just crashed through the roof. Luke looks at it and it's apparently a "very small, perfectly round, black Imperial device flying under its own power." Han tries shooting at it (does he not remember the last time he shot at something small, black, and apparently an Imperial Droid?) but he keeps missing because it keeps zooming around the room.

Trioculus is watching this from his ship orbiting Yavin 4, so I guess the ball has a camera in it. He sees everyone, including Luke who is now joining Han in trying to destroy the ball. And then (be still his beating heart) he sees Princess Leia.

Considering this is pretty much how every young man of my generation hit puberty, I think Trioc just became a man. Mazel Tov!

Trioc asks who she is, and Hissa points out it's Leia. "A first-degree renegade and troublemaker," Trioculus said, nodding. Hissa points out that Darth Vader blew up Alderaan to teach her the importance of cooperating with the Empire (actually it was Tarkin, but whatever) but clearly she never learned. You mean that didn't work? I'm shocked.

Trioc says she's rather pretty, aside from having only 2 eyes....what?

Trioc's ideal woman, I guess?

 Hissa says she killed Jabba, and Trioc doesn't seem to mind. He seems rather smitten.

Luke has now drawn his lightsaber trying to destroy the ball, when it suddenly starts projecting a hologram of Trioculus.

"Attention, Luke Skywalker and members of SPIN," the image of Trioculus said, "if by any chance you deluded yourselves into thinking that I perished back on Calamari, I’m sorry to have to disappoint you. I’ve just sent you a little gift that has penetrated your weak security system-this Imperial Antisecurity Device. It is armed with an explosive of awesome power. In just twenty seconds I shall detonate it and destroy the entire Rebel Alliance Senate. However, to show my good will, I hereby agree to spare your lives if one of you announces at once the location of the entrance to the Lost City of the Jedi. The twenty seconds now begins. One . . . two . . ."

Back on the ship, Trioc turns off the hologram, and tells Commander Zuggs to begin the "heat mechanism in the Antisecurity Device" because "It will require ten seconds to reach detonation temperature." I only reprinted that here because I have no idea what he's talking about.

Right when the ball is supposed to explode, Luke uses the Force to stop it from moving and slices it in half with his lightsaber.

KECHUNKKK!

...Which I guess makes that sound. Back in the ship, Trioc is rather upset that his first plan didn't work (Asshole, you sent a bomb to a place where there's a guy with a lightsaber. How did you think that was gonna end??). He then says to proceed with Plan Number Two. "The search and destroy mission!" He lands on Yavin then with a large fleet of escort carriers. These escort carriers are filled with enough TNT to carry out Plan Number Two. TNT in this case, of course, standing for...oh good lord..."Treaded Neutron Torch-a treaded, tanklike vehicle that could torch the rain forest by shooting neutron fireballs." They can apparently ride through fire and not be damaged. He gives the order, and the TNTs start igniting the forest.

Hissa says that once the trees are destroyed, they will have no problem finding the entrance to the city, which I have to say is not a terrible plan. Trioc walks to the window to watch the plan in action, and suddenly his eyes are burning. Then he can't see again, only this time his vision is not coming back. Of all the afflictions they could have given the guy with three eyes, I've got to say that blindness is not one I would have come up with.

Trioc doesn't like going to the doctor. JUST LIKE YOU!

Back in his quarters, Emdee is examining his eyes, but can't find any reason he should have lost his vision, saying that this was beyond his medical knowledge. Trioc says that he better find out why or he'll strip him down and sell the parts.

Hissa then steps in and says that their stormtroopers have found a Ho'Din healer in the jungle (apparently they are searching while burning) and that Ho'Din healers are excellent healers. Trioc says to take the healer and have him cure Trioc of his blindness, or he will blind the Ho'Din healer to have him share the fate. So there you go, Baji mentioned the plant that cures blindness so he could later be used to cure Trioc's blindness, for which they still haven't given us a cause. Awesome writing, I believe that's called "Chekov's Herb".

So we start by learning that Ken once again gave his robot masters the slip and snuck back up to Topworld (Yavin for the uninitiated). The book takes more time discussing the assignment he was supposed to be working on than it does describing how he snuck out. In fact, I have now spent more time discussing how he snuck out than they did. Ken is retracing his steps in the rain forest when he comes across Baji, while he is also able to smell the smoke in the air and hear fire coming from somewhere in the distance. Naturally, deeper in the jungle is the place to go.

But apparently running into a fire is fine if you're trying to join the Alliance. Except that's not what Ken is doing. Ken is running into a fire because he's trying to find his computer notebook before the droids discover he's lost it. He's willing to run into a forest fire to not upset his robot masters. This kid is going to need some therapy after all this is done.

He's asks Baji about his notebook, and Baji responds (in rhyme) by saying that he did find it and it's in his hut. So they set off towards his thatch hut. They find it quickly, and Ken sees that it's filled with bottles that have different plants inside them. Where does this guy get glass? Anyway, Baji hands Ken the notebook, and that's the end of the epic quest for the homework.

They stand in the hut for a second looking out at the fire. Not running, not even talking, just looking at it. Ken then wonders aloud how it started, and Baji says it was the weapons of the Empire, though how he knows that is anyone's guess. Ken asks him to come stay underground with him where it's safe, but Baji says that he'll be fine because his spaceship comes tomorrow to pick him up. So I guess he just plans on hanging out in a burning rain forest until then.

Ken then says goodbye and starts walking back to the "tubular transport" that leads back to the City of the Jedi, but when he turns back he sees three Stormtroopers were approaching Baji's hut! Being the great hero and Jedi Prince that he is, Ken hides in the brush as the Stormtroopers capture Baji and lead him away.

"Each of Baji’s two hearts was beating rapidly as the stormtroopers forced him up the ramp of Trioculus’s Imperial strike cruiser. His warm green blood became hot from fear as they led him past the maze of equipment in the control room, and into the private cabin of Emperor Trioculus." I just had to reprint all of that here, because I love how much they're screaming, "HE'S AN ALIEN!!!" here, what with the two hearts and green blood stuff.

Baji is brought before Trioculus and ordered to heal his eyes. Baji comes close to him, but examines his glove instead of his eyes. Trioc tells him to mind his own damn business, but Baji says that (this is canon) the glove brings blindess. And gloom, but I didn't see that as being as relevant. The next part makes such little sense I need to just quote it for you to see. This is Baji talking:

Since Darth Vader’s glove

You now do wear

Blind you are

And next goes your hair

Take off the glove

Or there is no doubt

Your teeth and nails

Shall all fall out

Your hands will rot

Your face will welt

Loud you shall scream

As in terror you melt.

....Nah. Gotta be a coincidence.

Unsure of where to start, I'll go with why. Why does the glove do this? It didn't do it to Darth Vader. I mean, granted, he was far from peak physical condition, but it had nothing to do with his glove. And in, in theory, he wasn't blind. I mean, it's a freaking glove. Next question is how, as in How does Baji know this? Once again, it's a freaking glove. Oh, right, I guess the Force did it.

Anyway, Emdee, Trioc's medical droid, says that Baji makes a good point and that the sound devices he inserted into the gloves could have those side affects. This is just occurring to you now? I mean...I've got to move on or I'll be harping on this all day. Hissa suggests taking the glove off, and Trioc does this. Once he does, they see that Trioc's hand "all red, blistered, and withered." Maybe he just has sensitive skin or a leather allergy?

Apparently once he removes the glove, his eye sight is slowly coming back. Just shapes, but he can at least see something. Baji takes out some seeds, gives them to Trioc, and tells him he'll need to eat these over the next one hundred days. Trioc downs a few, and his eye sight gets better. He's happy now, and asks Baji where he'll be able to find enough seeds to eat them for one hundred days. Baji says, essentially, that Trioc is fucked because the place to get them is, well, currently on fire. Oh yeah, and if he doesn't eat more seeds, he'll go blind again, this time probably forever. He does, however, say he has some more in his hut.

Trioc panics and demands Baji take them to his hut. So they leave and head there, but the fires are already starting to overtake the hut. As Trioc runs up to it, one of his TNTs come out of the forest setting everything around it ablaze. Trioc screams for it to stop, but they can't hear him and keep setting their fires. Trioc runs into the hut, which is now on fire, grabs the plants and seeds he needs, but as he tries to run out the doorway is blocked by a wall of flame, which not gonna lie, is pretty fucking funny.

Now we're back with Leia, who is giving this book's huge public service announcement about the importance of rain forests. She also says, "There has been an invasion by a ruthless mutant-a three-eyed slavelord named Trioculus who calls himself the new Imperial Emperor. He is destroying our forests because he is on some insane mission to find the entrance to the Lost City of the Jedi." And at this point I kind of want everyone else in the room, who are the same people who were there before, to say, "Yeah, we know, we were here too. Plus, it was like 5 pages ago, you really didn't need to remind us." But no one does this, and instead they "sprang into action." "Alliance fire fighters" start trying to put out the fire, while Luke, Han, and Chewie get in the Falcon and search for Trioc's jungle base.

Han starts bitching about how he should be building his sky house, but no one pays attention. Y-Wings are behind them shooting at the TNTs, and the crew on the Falcon locate Trioc's main ship in a clearing for banthas. The Y-Wings shoot at the main ships while the Falcon shoots lasers at the TNTs, which fire back with "neutron fireballs". The Falcon eventually has to land.

It was apparently the worst landing in Han's career, which I know because the book says just that. It tears through the trees, and literally bounces off the ground. Chewie roars, "Arrrrroowgh!" and Han agrees that the Falcon is going to need some serious repairs. They get out, and Luke asks Han if the Falcon will ever be able to make the trip again to Bespin in "eighteen standard time parts". Because, you know, there's nothing more pressing to talk about at the moment.

Han sees a gleam of white, yells, "A stormtrooper!" and fires off his gun into the forest. Damn, the characters have become extremely trigger happy since the movies. Luke stops Han from shooting and says that's no stormtrooper, but it's DJ the droid from the Lost City of the Jedi. Han replies, ""It’s a droid named what from where?" and I feel bad for him because he seems as confused about the plot for this book as I am.

DJ walks up to Luke with Ken apparently in tow and bitches about how disobedient that boy of his is. Ken says he had to get his computer notebook, then sees Han and Chewie and gets star struck again. At least he doesn't bow this time. Ken says that Han is one of the best Corellian pilots in the galaxy, which is apparently too many qualifiers for Han because he complains about the "one of" part. Ken says that "Snoke Loroan" is faster, and Han replies that "Snoke Loroan" was wiped out in the battle of Endor, which I think is rather mean. He's literally telling this kid he just met that, sure, that guy is faster, but he's fucking dead, so sucks to be him....and wait a fucking minute, Snoke??

I swear to God, if it turns out to be the same character I'm gonna punch JJ Abrams in the fucking balls.

Also, there is still a raging forest fire around them at this point.

DJ reminds them of this last part, and says that if they follow him he may be able to stop the flames. He leads them to the wall with the elevator, Luke is in amazement, and Han says, "My Corellian buddies will never believe this!" I have a feeling they won't give a shit, but okay. They get in the transport and ride down extremely fast. When it stops, they get out and gaze at the Lost City of the Jedi.

Which is apparently awesome. DJ leads them past a building labeled "Jedi Library" where he tells them that though all the humans think that nature is controlled on Yavin by the weather, they're actually fucking dumb, and the weather is actually controlled from down here. He leads them into the "Climate Command building".

Warning:

"Thousands of years ago," Dee-Jay continued, "Yavin Four was a cold and barren world. The Jedi Masters who built the Lost City discovered that they could change its climate. All they had to do was find a way for the heat from the core of this moon to reach the surface.

"And so," Dee-Jay explained, "they cut many deep shafts into this moon, like the shaft of the tubular transport. The other shafts are designed for releasing steam and heat into the atmosphere. Using their weather and climate control system, the Jedi Knights made this moon grow warm and tropical. They even seeded its continents, so lush rain forests would grow."

I'd like to ask exactly when this happened in Star Wars history. Was it before the Sith Lord Naga Sadow built most of the temples on Yavin 4? Or was it before the Sith Lord Exar Kun used Yavin as his personal vacation spot? And yes, I know both those stories came out after these books.

Dee-Jay goes on for a while longer, but basically he's just going to kick start the rainy season early. Buuuuut he can't because he needs a code, and he's never been able to find it. Luke tries to remember the code from his dream, but he's having a hard time. Because he's a moron, I guess. Eventually, he uses the Force and remembers the code is "JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE", which I have reprinted here so everyone can remember how dumb that is. He punches the code into a computer, and it works.

A screen then turns on and shows them what's happening. Steam vents open up all over Yavin and force warm, moist air into the sky, which creates storm clouds. Then rain falls, then lightning. Apparently this also puts out the fire in front of Trioc, because he, Hissa, Emdee, and Baji are now slowly making their way back to their ship in the rain.

Baji apparently has a blaster to his back and has been conscripted into being an Imperial Physician. Which doesn't sound good for Emdee's job security. Trioc's face is apparently now horribly burnt and scarred, and is "no longer the same handsome three-eyed face he’d had before". Which I guess is supposed to be sad.

Jumped up Jesus, if Snoke had had 3 eyes in The Force Awakens, I think I might've had a goddamned heart attack.

He's also shocked at the devastation that's been brought upon his fleet. Trioc picks up the glove of Darth Vader (I guess he dropped it), but doesn't put it back on and just takes it with him. There's one ship left that's undamaged, so they take that one off planet. He tells Emdee that he wants the droid to make him another glove, one that looks like Darth Vader's glove but doesn't, you know, make him blind and gross looking.

Trioc also says he's pissed at SPIN, and that every member must be killed. Except for Princess Leia. Her he wants to take alive. Aboard his ship, he dreams of Leia, and of making her Queen of the Empire. So, we've got that to look forward to in future books.

We get back to Ken now, who is saying goodbye to his droids. Chip is coming with him (wonderful) as Ken is going to join the Alliance, but all the other droids are staying behind in the City. Why? Excellent question, since they are no longer looking after Ken, but we never get an answer. I guess they have to keep the weather controlling device, which is now canon forever, working. At least Ken is leaving the Mooka behind, which is good. Luke hopes Ken remains enthusiastic about life after discovering that the galaxy is a cruel bitch. He also thinks about how now Trioculus will not rest until he's gotten even with each and every one of them.

And that is the end of the Lost City of the Jedi. I guess more was accomplished than the last book, but all it really amounts to is Trioculus makes several screw ups and gets scarred for it, and Luke meets up with Ken. But just you wait until the next book. Which involves, and after all these years I still can't believe it, the father of Jabba the Hutt.