I GIS "Red Harvest" and this was the first image to appear. I'm sticking with it.
Red Harvest
Red Harvest is Joe Schreiber’s sequel to Death Troopers. Actually, no, it’s actually a prequel, as this book takes place 3,645 years before the Battle of Yavin. Actually, it’s not a prequel either, because it has jack shit to do with Death Troopers aside from the fact that there are zombies in it.
Unlike Death Troopers, there are no special guests who are guaranteed to survive. Joe takes heavy advantage of this. Unfortunately, there are only 244 pages in this novel. And Joe has learned from Death Troopers and will be introducing the zombie hoard much sooner. The issue is that Joe Schreiber goes through the effort of developing characters and actually creates a setting with interesting possibilities for Star Wars stories, and then smothers it all with zombies. Then again, even if he hadn't introduced zombies, it probably would have sucked anyway.
1. Ring
We are introduced to our first character, Wim Nickter, a student at the Sith Academy at Odacer-Faustin, or as I like to call it, NotKorriban. A name like that doesn’t really scream “Dark-Sider”, so I predict that Wim is not long for this book. He and a bunch of other students have just finished lightsaber practice, and they have now ascended to the top of the temple where students get a chance to duel one another. Joe is quick to establish that NotKorriban is fucking freezing. At the top of the temple, Wim takes a good look at the academy:
Joe Schreiber posted:
From the top of the temple, the Sith academy resembled nothing so much as a partially demolished wheel, its spokes radiating crookedly out from the central hub of the tower. Its ancient chambers, enclosed walkways, tunnels, and temples, and the great library that served as its haunted heart had all long ago began to crumbe and deteriorate from decades of accumulated snow and ice, and the constantly shifting tectonic eccentricities of the planetary crust. The result was a sprawling ruin of forgotten spaces – some of the palatial – groaning under tones of age-tortured Sith architecture.
In other words, don’t hire the Sith to design your house, cause you’ll wind up with Spencer Manor. I bet there are a lot of emblem puzzles that have to be used to get around, but Schreiber doesn’t elaborate on that. 
At the center of the ring is the Sith Blademaster, Lord Shak’Werth, who shows up in this and one other chapter. Nickter and his fellow students have heard rumors that Rance Luusk, the academy’s top student, was going to issue a challenge today. Luusk gets lots of special treatment for being damn good, including private lessons from Shak’Werth and other masters, and the students even say he gets to meditate with the academy’s resident Sith Lord, Darth Scabrous (Yep. That’s the name of our villain. The amazing thing is that this isn’t the dumbest name for a Sith Lord the book gives us). Sure enough, Luusk steps forward. The book goes into a long description of our prodigy: agile and muscular, long, flaming red hair pulled into a tight ponytail. The most outstanding feature, however, is that he has an aura of silence that hovers around him “like a lethal cloud.”
Joe Schreiber posted:
To approach him closely was to experience a climate of dull dread; the one or two times Nickter had accidentally bumped into Lussk in the halls of the academy, he’d actually felt the temperature drop along with the oxygen content. Lussk emanated menace; he breathed it out like carbon dioxide.
This is the type of writing you use when you’re setting up someone to be a major character. Lussk looks like he has an important role in this story, Yessir.
Nickter’s heart pounds as Lussk considers his possible opponents. There are only a few students that could match Lussk caliber. Nickter wonders if any would accept if challenged. While backing down would be humiliating, losing to Lussk would be catastrophic – Sith training blades are lined with millions of microscopic toxin filled barbs. Lussk issues his challenge to Nickter. Nickter knows that he’ll get his ass kicked, and his best option is to back down. But to his shock, he steps forward and accepts. He quickly realizes that Lussk is controlling him.
The two meet at the center of the circle. The duel begins. Nickter holds off Lussk for a few moments, but its clear that Lussk is in full control of the duel. Nickter struggles to reassert control of his own actions, but its not enough. Lussk moves to finish the duel.
Joe Schreiber posted:
…Lussk sequenced seamlessly from a brutal and precise Makashi attack to the more acrobatic Form IV…
Ugh. Lightsaber Forms. For those unfamiliar, at some point during or after the release of Attack of the Clones, someone came up with the idea that there were distinct styles of lightsaber combat, and various Jedi got assigned a different form. This idea ran into problems right away, not the least of which was that the idea was ignored by George Lucas. In theory, Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker preferred distinct styles. In practice, this is what their fight actually looked like:
Still, in the right hands, the idea of a character preferring a specific way of fighting can be utilized well by a author (like Matt Stover) who realizes that the way someone fights says as much about the character as it does describe the fight scenes. Joe Schreiber is not such an author. Instead, he uses the forms here as an awkward way of announcing “I know Star Wars Lingo! 
“
“
Where was I? So Lussk defeats Nickter, slashing him across the elbow. Lussk places his blade at the back of Nickter’s neck. Not done, he silently tells Nickter to push backward into his blade. Nickter complies, cursing Lussk and the other students as he does so. Lussk releases the hold just before he does serious damage. Nickter looks back at his opponent, whose all 
. Sheepishly, Nickter makes his way down from the temple.
. Sheepishly, Nickter makes his way down from the temple.
2. Crack
The perspective now shifts to Jura Ostrogoth, another student at the academy. He’s walking with Kindra, talking about how Nickter just got his ass kicked. Jura is thinking about how awesome he is for coming from another cold climate planet so that the weather on NotKorriban doesn’t bother him. Their conversation eventually turns to the black tower rising from the center of the academy. Every so often, the tower belches out black ash and noxious smoke, something Jura hasn’t gotten used to.
Joe Schreiber posted:
“What have you heard?” Kindra asked.
He shook his head. “Just rumors.”
“I’ve heard them, too.” She was staring at him pointedly. “And not just about Lussk.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing,” she said, and walked past him into the dining hall.
Gosh, I haven’t heard such gripping dialogue since Coleman Francis’s “The Skydivers.” 
Sadly, random gawker holding chicken is not in this book
Jura gets lunch at the cafeteria – a “stringy lump of mubasa hock and canned montra fruit.” In a Galaxy Far, Far Away, cafeteria food still sucks. Jura, like all the students, eats alone. If you socialize on your way to becoming a Sith, then you’re doing it wrong.
Jura is approached by two other students: Hartwig and a Zabrak named Scopique. Apparently, Nickter has disappeared outright, right while he was being treated for his wounds, making him the fourth this year. Scoprique mentions what the big rumor is: that Lord Scabrous is abducting students to experiment on. Scoprique wants Jura to sneak in and…find out who might be next, I guess. Scoprique wants Jura to do it because he has “the survival instincts of a hungry dianoga.” Jura is not amused and grabs Scoprique by the neck. Scoprique remains calm. He reminds Jura that he’s got dirt on him, and if he wants that dirt to remain secret, he will do what Scoprique says. Jura nods in agreement. Scoprique and Hartwig leave, followed shortly by Jura, who’s lost all appetite.
Jura exits the dining hall, and looks at a wall getting angry. It’s time for a flashback, kids, because we just got to know what kind of dirt Scoprique has on Jura, since it’s obviously going to play a part in the larger story.
Jura goes back to his first days at the academy, when he was still getting his bearings and trying to avoid whatever hardships await freshmen students at a Sith Academy. It takes him three days to fail, when a larger, older student named Mannock T’sank punches him in the back. T’sank orders Jura to lick his boots clean. Jura tells T’sank he can stuff the boot up his ass. Jura gets punched in the face and he blacks out. When he comes to, he’s gagged, naked, and tied spread eagle on the bunk bed while T’sank looks down at him, putting on his best rape face. Jura starts crying and pissing himself while T’sank howls in laughter.
No, I am not making this up.
Thankfully, T’sank’s deviancy is brought to an end by a blow to the head by Scoprique. Scoprique takes the time to record Jura in his sorry state before untying him. Scoprique ejects the holocartidge and puts it in his pocket. As he walks out, he tells Jura, “Welcome to the academy. 
”
”
Jura shifts back to the present, still brooding at the wall. He unleashes a burst of energy at the wall, cracking it. He then reflects how he is the wall – once strong, now damaged and weakened in some fundamental way 
He then walks off, trying to figure out how he’s going to get Scoprique’s information for him.
He then walks off, trying to figure out how he’s going to get Scoprique’s information for him.
So far, this is like a combination of Harry Potter and Survivor, with a side of rape jokes. Had Schrieber stayed on this path, he might have come up with something interesting (who am I kidding? It still would have sucked). But nooooo, he just had to bring zombies into the mix.
3. Deep-Down Trauma Hounds
We join Wim Nickter, who wakes up in a cramped cage, with no shirt, and a dull ache down the middle of his back. The cage he’s in is in the middle of a dark, circular room filled with laboratory equipment. The walls are glass, although he can’t see what’s outside. Nickter figures out that he’s at the top of the tower. That’s when he hears a voice. Nickter turns and sees his captor, Darth Scabrous.
Sadly, there’s no fan art of Darth Scabrous yet. He’s tall and broad shouldered and wears a black robe (of course). His face is a “long, bony sculpture of bone and half-lidded eyes,” and he’s got a permanent smug-grin. Nickter asks what he’s doing here, but Scabrous ignores him. Nickter’s got a bad case of B.O., and the pain in his back is getting worse.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Whatever injury had been inflicted upon him, it was deep, and whole packs of nerve receptors – those obedient trauma hounds – were circling back and forth, busily delivering the bad news.
Joe’s choice of metaphors is weird at times. Reaching back, Nickter discovers that he has at least six tubes connected to his back, running through his flesh and into his spine. He asks Scabrous what the hell he’s doing to him, but the Sith Lord doesn’t answer, instead turning to a pump that the tubes from his back connect to. On top of the pump is a flask filled with a red-yellow fluid. Next to the flask is a small black pyramid that Nickter figures is a Sith Holocron. Also, lining a table next to the pump are a bunch of glass containers, each holding a black flower.
Nickter is confused by all this, and is now sweating heavily. He considers begging for his life, but thinks better of it. Scabrous meanwhile is shifting his attention between the Holocron and his flower collection. He finally picks one and plops it into the flask at the top of the pump. Scabrous tells Nickter that he’s a sorry excuse for a Sith student, so now he’s going to get experimented on. He then activates the pump. The flower in the flask disintegrates. Then the pain Nickter was experiencing gets much worse. Before he blacks out, Nickter sees Scabrous sweep the flowers and their containers off of the table apparently dissatisfied that excruciating pain was the only result of his test.
4. Dranok
Our next point of view is Pergus Frode, the maintenance worker at the NotKorriban landing pad. He used to work at Kuat Drive Yards, which was probably owned by Kuat^8 back then too. He’s watching a Corellian cruiser land at the platform, and knows from experience that these are Bounty Hunters. Waiting with him is Darth Scabrous’s HK droid. Sadly, this HK is boring as hell. He slips in and out of the mannerism used by HK-47. Despite being less interesting than a wamprat turd, Frode still likes the HK better than the students at the academy.
The cruiser touches down, and two figures walk out. One’s a bald human with green goggles and a suitcase cuffed to his wrist and an expression of constant contempt. He turns out to be Dranok. The other is a Nelvaanian named Skarl. They’re both here to meet Scabrous; they have a package to deliver. The HK tells them to follow, saying their payment is waiting for them. Dranok tells Frode to refuel their ship and keep it running.
The point of view shifts to Dranok, who decided he’s going to off his partner once he collected payment from Scabrous. He and his partner are led to the central tower by the HK droid. Dranok sees that the Sith used bizzaro architecture to build the tower, because it appears to bend at an unnatural angle. He thinks about a rumor he heard that Sith buildings were somehow detached from reality. Though he’s now having second thoughts about entering the tower, he also wants to get paid.
He turns to Skarl and tells him to wait outside. Skarl’s peeved because this isn’t how they usually do things, but Dranok assures him that he should watch the door. Dranok then follows the HK into the tower, which is noticeably colder than outside. It also smells like mildew. The HK directs him onto a turbolift platform, but doesn’t follow him in. Dranok is sent to the top of the tower.
By now, Dranok’s cockyness has evaporated, and he’s holding the briefcase in front of him like a shield. Dranok walks into the laboratory at the top of the tower, taking in the mix of lab equipment and arcane trappings. His nose is assaulted by the smell of something cooking. As he tries to calm himself down, he steps on one of the flowers that Scabrous knocked over last time. Dranok opens his briefcase and pulls out his own flower. This is allegedly the Murakami flower. The flower had been procured from a black-market spice dealer who said he’d stolen it from a secret Republic bio-lab on Endor (groan), and had a bunch of documentation to back him up. But now Dranok is seeing that his flower looks exactly like some of the others on the floor. Which just goes to show you can’t be too careful about scammers in MMOs. Just as he realizes he’d been duped, Scabrous calls his name. He is standing between Dranok and the exit. Dranok figures that his only option now to bluff a Sith Lord, because really, how hard can that be? 
Dranok sets the case down on the table. Scrabous hardly notices, and instead asks if he brought anyone with him. Dranok replies that aside from his partner downstairs, there’s no one else with him. Getting impatient, Dranok asks to be paid. As the silence hangs between him and Scabrous, he notices a new smell that’s now stronger than the dead flowers: roasting meat. Dranok’s mouth starts to water.
Without even looking, Scabrous tells Dranok that he failed. He orders Dranok to take a seat on a stone bench Joe forgot to mention Dranok didn’t notice before. Dranok complies. Scabrous tell him that he’s going to get a consolation prize, and from a doorway Dranok hadn’t noticed before, the HK droid pushes out a cart with a huge silver tray on top. He wheels the tray to a table (there was a table?) and set a plate for Dranok.
Dranok takes a moment to consider what a colossal fuck-up taking this job was before lifting the lid. Underneath is the roasted head of his partner, stuffed with a jaquira fruit. You know, say what you want about the Sith, but they make damn fine cooks!
Scabrous would have told Dranok that he’s worse than Bossk at this point, but that would be breaking continuity too much even for Schreiber. Dranok tries to move, but finds himself locked in place, save his right hand. Scabrous lets him pick up a utensil, and tells him that if he eats the whole thing, Scabrous will let him live. Dranok takes the opportunity to try to stab Scabrous with a dinner knife. So either he’s indeed as dumb as Bossk, or he had a really bad experience on Fear Factor once. Either way, Scabrous is saddened that no one wants to sample his cooking, and Force Chokes Dranok to death.
Man, quest givers in “The Old Republic” are just brutal.
5. Pain Pipe
The point of view now shifts to Sith Combat Master Xat Hracken, whose operating a training simulator called the Pain Pipe. The Pain pipe is pretty much the obstacle course from the show Wipeout (or that Japanese show they used to have on Spike TV) designed by a complete sadist. It’s late, and he’s alone with a short and scrawny Sith Student named Mnah Ra’at. Ra’at wants another go, because he wants to be as awesome as Rance Lussk. Hracken hesitates, but notes that Ra’at’s got a lot of determination and inner rage, features that can make up for a lot of physical shortcomings among the Sith. He’s also the guy that started the rumor that Scabrous is abducting students.
So Hracken reactivates the Double Dare course, and this time adds a twist – he shuts off the lights. In the darkness, Ra’at gets smacked in the back of the legs by metal whips. Instead of going down, he grabs a hold of one of the mechanical arms and uses it to ride it to the top where he makes a leap at the control booth. Hracken is sufficiently impressed, and tells Ra’at that’s it for tonight. Ra’at wants to know if Lussk ever pulled something like that off. He hadn’t, but Hracken declines to comment.
POV now shifts to Ra’at, who’s walking into the night (did Joe mention it’s cold? Because it is), reflecting on how all the students say he’s too small, scrawny, and paranoid. Soon, he’d show them all what he was capable of (muahahaha!)
Ra’at walks past the Tower, and notices that there are two tracks leading into the doorway. He wonders who the visitors were. Ra’at thinks to himself that someday, he’ll be invited into the Tower. Considering that the two people we’ve seen enter the tower have been respectively tortured and forced to eat their partner, this isn’t as great of an aspiration as he might think.
6. Hot Ships
We return to Pergus Frode, who’s looking at the Corellian Cruiser parked on the landing pad. It’s been several hours since Dranok and Skarl landed, and he kept the ship running. Now he wants to shut it down and go to bed, but the last time he’d ignored orders to stay up, he got his jaw broke. As he’s reading a “worn copy” of the holomag Hot Ships (how do holomags get worn, seriously?) and drinking a java…rican ( 
) espresso, the HK droid enters the hanger. He asks the droid if the bounty hunters are going to leave soon. The HK tells him that the two won’t be coming back from the tower, and he might as well shut the ship down. He also says Frode’s welcome to strip the ship down and sell it for some extra cash.
) espresso, the HK droid enters the hanger. He asks the droid if the bounty hunters are going to leave soon. The HK tells him that the two won’t be coming back from the tower, and he might as well shut the ship down. He also says Frode’s welcome to strip the ship down and sell it for some extra cash.
Maybe that’s why people kept working with Vader. Every time he killed someone, there was a mad dash to claim the victim’s stuff.
7. Marfa
We now meet the heroine of the story: Hestizo Trace. She’s a Jedi Flower Girl. No, really. She talks to plants and is otherwise useless. She doesn’t even have a lightsaber. She lives on the planet Marfa, whose planetary theme is “botanic laboratory.” Hestizo (or Zo, her nickname) is a member of the Jedi Agricultural Corps. Joe Schreiber fails to mention that the Ag Corp is where the Jedi send their washouts, though amusingly enough the guy writing the book preview on the cover jacket didn’t forget. Overall, I guess it’s not a bad gig when the alternative is “Sith Cannon Fodder.” Hestizo is special, in that she has a particularly strong gift with plants. Importantly, she shares a Force bound with a Murakami orchid, a Force-sensitive flower.
Yes, a Force-Sensitive flower. One that’s sentient, too, and whines as much as C-3P0. 
Oh, Joe Schreiber is sure to mention that Jill is 25, making it okay for fans to make suggestive and creepy fanart of her. Not that that ever stops them.
In the tradition of Ricky’s Death Trooper review, some of the characters are getting nicknames. Hestizo is one lucky recipient. I decided for a Resident Evil theme, as there is no one named “Dave Ryder” in this book to make a good MST3K reference. I couldn’t choose between Claire (since she has a brother that’s in this book) or Rebecca (since she is fucking useless). In the end, I picked the dark-horse candidate Jill, because she is going to be sharing a lot of page time with a big, hairy biped.
Marfa, I mean Jil,l wakes up and immediately hears the orchid complaining about the temperature in her incubator. Jill knows that the orchid is just being a whiny dipshit, but she knows it won’t shut up until she attends to it. As she gets up, she feels a faint sense of unease and restlessness. She attributes this to “that same nameless malaise that sometimes waited for her upon awakening here on Marfa.” Where do I begin to point out what's wrong with this? Jill, you’re a Jedi. Even if you’re not a particularly good one, shouldn’t you look into that feeling? Jedi don’t just sense a “nameless malaise” because their hormones are acting up (yes, I went there).
Jill enters one of the greenhouses (oh I’m sorry, Star Wars: growth bays 
) and just loves the smell of various plants, and she can feel them through the Force, each one having their own emotions, and they greet Jill as she passes by. She might as well be skipping down the corridors. Unfortunately for Jill, no one is allowed to be this happy in Star Wars for long.
) and just loves the smell of various plants, and she can feel them through the Force, each one having their own emotions, and they greet Jill as she passes by. She might as well be skipping down the corridors. Unfortunately for Jill, no one is allowed to be this happy in Star Wars for long.
Jill is greeted by the director, Wall Bennis. They talk business a bit – Jill’s talents mean she’s assigned to talk to moss and parasites. She breaks off and gets to the private incubator housing the Murakami orchid, a small flower with black petals and a thin green stalk. The orchid whines about being cold, and Jill admits that she lowered the temperature by two degrees to prove to it that it can actually survive in lower temperatures than it’s fully comfortable in. The orchid whines some more, and at this point, I’m on Jill’s side on this whole “plant-Jedi” relationship. This opinion doesn’t last forever.
The orchid picks up that there’s something wrong outside. Jill steps outside of the incubator and realizes the orchid’s right – the unease she’d been feeling had been caused by an outsider, who was now somewhere in the greenhouse. Wow, Jill, upstaged by a plant.
Jill heads over to a panopticon willow, a tree that has eyes on its buds (eww). She places her hand on its trunks. This allows Jill to see through the tree’s eyes. She spots Bennis. Bennis has a giant spear impaled through his back and into another tree.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Zo realized that she could see Bennis’s face. It hung ashen and slack, a dangling meat-mask from which all life had fled. His blood spilled down the spear’s rough-hewn shaft, and Zo watched, with the willow’s unblinking acuity, as a droplet formed at the end, grew heavy, and fell into the already congealing pool on the floor by his feet.
In other words, it looks like Bennis is dead. Jill then hears rustling behind her. She breaks off her tree vision. Something is stalking her.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Fear took hold of her, vacuuming the air from her lungs. The buzz of plant emotion had fallen quiet – even the orchid was still – and the entire research level felt far larger and more desolate than it had just moments before. Glancing around, hearing only the faint click of her own throat, she suddenly wanted more than anything to run, but she was no longer sure which direction to go. The noises she’d heard on the other side of the tree now seemed, impossibly, to be closing in from all sides. She felt helpless, isolated, alone, except for the buzzing weightless swarm of her own terror.
Like I said, Jill is going to be useless, particularly for a Jedi. Even now, surrounded by plants, she’s unable to come up with a way to defend herself. The only thing mollifying my irritation is that it’s a break from the Super-Saiyan Jedi that populate the galaxy post-NJO, but Joe goes so far in the other direction as to make you wonder if it’s even the same setting.
Jill’s stalker finally bursts into view – a big, furry, Whiphid, two meters tall. Jill tries to run, but he punches her in the head hard, sending her down. When her vision clears, her head is pinned under the Whiphid’s foot, and it smells bad. The Whihid asks where the orchid is.
A Whiphid
Joe Schrieber posted:
“The Murakami orchid.” The voice from within the broad, tusked mouth was low and hoarse, more of a growl. “Where is it?”
“Why?”
The eyes narrowed. “Don’t waste my time, Jedi, or you’ll end up a corpse like your friend.” He leaned down until she could actually feel the fetid stench of his breath seething through the slits of his nostrils. “Where. Is. It?”
Jill relents and tells him where it is. The Whiphid drags her over to the incubation chamber and forces her to open it. Jill gets a better view of her captor – he’s got a longbow on his back, and small bones braided into his hair. The Whiphid enters the chamber and makes a mess of the place before he tries to grab the orchid. Grabbing it causes the orchid to wilt. The Whiphid asks what’s wrong with it. Jill explains that the orchid can’t survive outside of the incubator without her nearby. Jill then looks out the incubator and notices that Bennis is no longer pinned to the tree. Before she can wonder what happened to the spear, she sees the butt end of it rushing toward her. It knocks her out on impact.
Let me stress something: in a galaxy full of blasters and laser swords, this Whiphid is a bounty hunter that uses a spear a bow. Not a vibro-spear. Not a power bow that shoots explosive arrows. Just a spear and a bow. That takes balls.
8. Polyskin
Joe Schreiber fulfills his quota on movie settings by shifting the action to Geonosis. We take the POV of Hestizo’s Jill’s brother, Rojo Trace. Rojo is a Jedi investigator, specialized in sensing the final moments of someone’s life. This skill will be remarkably underutilized in a book that’s about zombies.
Like his sister, Rojo is getting a name change. At first I wanted to stay with the RE connection and was going to rename him Chris, but that’s no longer appropriate because I passed on calling his sister Claire. Rojo has some other issues, mainly that he’s boring. I mean, really boring. So I’m going to add a few lines for Rojo and re-imagine him as Horatio, Jedi Crime Scene Investigator, ostracized by his peers for his terrible habit of making bad puns.
Horatio is standing with Lieutenant Norch of the Republic outside a giant polyskin tent. The tent, as Norch explains, is covering a large crater containing a Sith warship that’s buried itself 100 meters into Geonosis’ crust. The Republic is concerned because they’re thinking of building a base here, and don’t want Sith to be constantly griefing them. Horatio doesn’t say much, irritating the lieutenant, and then tells him that he and his men should clear out. The warship has punctured a gas pocket, and if it sublimates, it will kill anyone that’s still hanging around. Norch gets pissy at being bossed around, but is interrupted by Captain Telka Ansgar, who suggests Norch do what Horatio says. Telka apologizes for Norch having a bug up his ass, but Horatio doesn’t care. Telka then tells Horatio that she’s interested in get to know a Jedi Knight, if you know what I mean 
. Horatio, like I said, is boring, and has no interested in socializing. Instead he hops into the crater.
. Horatio, like I said, is boring, and has no interested in socializing. Instead he hops into the crater.
Horatio makes his way down the side of the crater until he comes to a hole in the Sith warship. The ship is precariously balanced, and Horatio knows he has limited time before the whole thing goes up in flames. He senses for life, but detects nothing. He makes his way to the bridge, where he finds the remains of the crew.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Slowly his eyes began to adjust. The remains of the Sith flight crew lay smashed and bleeding, burned, skin bubbling over exposed bone and melted into the fabric of their uniforms. Fire and impact had fused several of the bodies into a single twisted mass of faces and broken limbs embedded into the seats where they’d died.
Yuck.
Horatio utilizes the Force to piece together the events leading up to the crash: the navigation computer failed, the crew realized they were going to be drilled into the planet, and then everyone started panicking like headless chickens (space chickens, of course) because placing your faith in evil space magicians isn’t much of a comfort when faced with certain death. None of this actually answers what the warship was doing here in the first place, but this will do for Horatio. This side excursion is quickly forgotten about anyway.
Horatio is about to leave when he senses that his sister is in serious trouble. He picks up on the fact that she’s been kidnapped, and for a moment he senses her abductor.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Listen to me, Trace told him. I don’t know who you are, but I am in possession of a very special set of skills. If you bring my sister back right now, unharmed, then I’ll let you go. But if you don’t, I promise you, I will track you down. I will find you. And I will make you pay.
That line was lifted straight from Taken, and said by Liam Neeson. Who was in Phantom Menace. Totally Justified reference!
Horatio gets no response. Just then, the warship shifts, sending out a shower of sparks that ignites the gas. Surrounded by fire, Horatio throws up an air bubble to protect him. Once he’s safe, he tries to re-contact Jill and her captor, but gets nothing. Horatio rides the bubble out of the crater.
Horatio posted:
”Seems that someone has 
turned up the heat.”
turned up the heat.”
9. Mirocaw
Jill awakens inside the Predator trophy room. Actually, it belongs to the Whiphid that kidnapped her, but it’s pretty much the same – lots of skulls stung up along the walls. There’s also an array of vats and crucibles that are being heated. The pots are either being used to clean the flesh off the bones inside, or it's making a delicious pot roast. The walls are lined with skins and hides, with colonies of beetles crawling through them. The Whiphid, who apparently had been watching her the entire time she was out, tells her the beetles are Boski scarabs. The Whiphid just glares at her. Jill figures out that they must be in flight. The Whiphid identifies the ship as the Mirocaw. The Whiphid then walks over to one of the vats and uses a pair of tongs to pull out a shank. Then with a grunt, he drops it back in and exits, shutting the hatch behind him. The point of him doing this is never explained.
Jill is able to find the orchid, its container secured to a swing bin by cables. After a little cajoling, she gets the orchid to respond.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Within the glass vessel, the plant finally twitched, brightening, slightly in recognition of her presence. Zo watched its dust-colored stem inclining toward her like a beckoning finger. At the same time she felt its life essence stirring within her, filling an almost physical void directly behind her breastbone and between her lungs, a place thought of almost colloquially as her soul. At the same time she heard the first coarse whispers of its voice, gender-neutral, incoherent at first and then becoming clearer, like a foreigner adapting to the nuances of an entirely new language.
In case you have forgotten, Jill has a flower for a soul mate. Wonderful.
The flower demonstrates again that it has better mastery of the Force by being able to identify the Whiphid as Tulkh. But I can think of a better name:
BARRY! 
Jill wonders what a Whiphid bounty hunter wants with a flower, but the orchid declines to comment. Meanwhile, Jill is noticing that her presence is causing the moss that was accumulating on the ship to grow at an accelerated pace. Yet another gun belonging to Chekov that’s going in the trash bin. Finally, she feels the ship descending into an atmosphere.
Joe Schreiber posted:
What’s going on? Are we crashing? she asked.
Going down, the orchid said.
Where?
Silence again, then:
The worst place in the galaxy.
10. Strapping on Ghosts
Barry brings the Mirocaw in for a rough landing; Jill isn’t sure they didn’t crash. She’s tossed into the wall and has to shake off the Boski bugs on her before they eat her. As theMirocaw settles down, Jill can already tell the planet is unpleasant – the winds are whipping around outside and she feels a chill already. So either there is a supernatural chill or the ship has shitty insulation – the book isn’t clear which. Barry returns with a bundle of furs and tells her to put them on and get the orchid, refusing to answer any further questions. Jill looks down and sees that the furs and pelts have been stitched into mittens, boots, a hat, and a cloak. The furs are from recent kills, so putting them on feels like “strapping on ghosts.” She goes to pick up the orchid, which flattens itself against the side of the container closest to her hand, and begins murmuring in some alien language.
Jill heads towards the off-ramp, and NotKorriban is still cold, thanks for asking. The Mirocaw has landed in the middle of a frozen steppe with what appear to be mountains in the distance. Jill realizes that they’re not mountains. She starts to get cold feet (my bad joke, not Joe’s) and stalls, but Barry isn’t putting up with her bullshit and marches her out at spear-point. The two head in the direction of the not-mountains, which resolve into the Sith Academy and Tower, whose appearance evokes eeeeevilll and mAdNEss and...*yawn*. Hang on, I need to down three cans of Red Bull to stay up...
...okay, back. The two reach the side entrance, and Jill finally asks if this is a Sith Academy. Barry is silent, because it’s a stupid question; of course it’s a Sith Academy. Jill keeps asking dumb questions, and he just looks at her. When she tries to dissuade him from entering, he loses his patience and brings his spear up to her neck with blinding speed despite not being a Force-user or a Mandolorian.
Jill finally puts her foot down – she refuses to go further without knowing what the Sith intend to do with the orchid. Barry just looks at her for a minute to build tension, before telling her that he’s bringing the orchid to Darth Scabrous. This doesn’t answer Jill’s question, but apparently Sith Lords are now like Voldemort and the mere act of saying their name causes chilling fear. With her spine gone as fast as it came, Jill follows Barry into the Academy. Our heroine, everyone.
11. Mind Eraser, No Chaser
Horatio arrives on Marfa, where he’s greeted by lab attendant Niles Emmert. Niles takes Horatio up to the lab that was holding the orchid. Using the Force, Horatio pieces together what happened at the end of chapter 7, and concludes that the Whiphid had been after the orchid.
Joe Schreiber posted:
“He came for the flower,” Trace said.
Emmert nodded. “The Murakami orchid is renowned for its Force abilities. It possesses power, but it requires a keeper, someone with an equally high midi-chlorian count, to keep it alive.
Yes folks, Joe Schreiber just loves invoking the worst things in Star Wars. First it was the Holiday Special. Now this: fucking midi-chlorians. Schreiber will mention them a few more times, and every time he does, I die a little on the inside.
Meanwhile, it turns out the initial report that director Wall Bennis is dead were highly exaggerated, but who gives a shit. Besides, he’s out cold and is of no help. Horatio turns his attention to footage of the ship Barry came in. Using the mystical powers of Crime Scene Investigation, Horatio quickly zeroes in on the one piece of evidence that will lead him to find out where his sister was taken.
Horatio leaves and heads for Pittsburg Kwenn, a dreary post-industrial outpost. He then spends the next several hours sifting for information, blowing his expense account on drinks and generally being more sociable than he’s comfortable with. He obviously hasn't mastered Luke's ability to spread good feeling in the Force. Or maybe he just knows from experience that there's a risk of getting raped by aliens when doing so. Eventually, he finds someone who knows what he needs – a one-armed Bothan named Gree. Horatio gets him drunk on a drink called a Mind Eraser. Between the drinks and Jedi Mind Trick, Horatio gets Gree to tell him what he needed to know – that Barry was looking for a flower for Darth Scabrous, who lives on the planet of NotKorriban. Horatio rudely departs as soon as he’s got what he wants.
Horatio posted:
“The doctors don’t recommend it, but I’ve just got to 
pick a scab.”
pick a scab.”
Hang on, I’m gonna try again GISing the book cover again...
I am so sorry...
12. Ingredient
Jill and Barry get to the top of the tower after walking through the academy. Jill observes that the lab at the top of the tower is like an eeeeevvvillll version of the lab she had at Marfa. She hears something rustling in a cage in the shadows along with the sound of smacking lips. That’s when she notices Darth Scabrous, who is creepily staring at her. Barry takes the flower from Jill, gives it to Scabrous and asks for his money. Scabrous just keeps up his creepy stare. Barry then introduces Jill and explains her relation to the orchid. Scabrous says that he knew that already, but had kept that information from Barry and the other bounty hunters so he would know right away if they brought him the real McCoy.
Hold on a sec. If Scabrous knew whether the flower he was getting was real or not, then why was he pumping flowers he knew were bad into Nickter. I guess as a Sith Lord it’s his prerogative to make others miserable if he feels like it, but it just seems really random and unnecessary. Even if a bad guy has gone so far as to swear allegiance to evil, the better ones still distinguish themselves by showing a rhyme and reason behind their cruelty. When there is no rhyme or reason, it seems like the villain is being a prick because he’s got nothing to do for the evening.
Scabrous tells Barry that his HK will pay him on the way out. Barry goes to leave, and Jill begs him not to go. Don’t listen to her, Barry! Run away from this novel as fast as you can!
After Barry leaves, Scabrous keeps up his creepy stare. The orchid is meanwhile just making clicking noises in Jill’s head and would shit its pants if it had any. Scabrous asks if Jill’s a Jedi, and she says she is. Scabrous then uses the Force to feel up Jill.
quote:
He reached out with one hand, not quite touching her, and she felt a certain heaviness underneath her left breast, as if his palm were pushing directly against the muscle of her heart.
Alright, so maybe it’s not exactly feeling her up, but as the writer of this Let’s Read, I feel I have the right to take certain liberties in translation 
Finished creeping out Jill, Scabrous walks over to where Jill had heard the lip-smacking. She sees a cage, and inside the cage is of course Nictker, who’s just as we left him in chapter 3, though now mad from the pain of having random shit pumped into his spine. Scabrous makes an adjustment to the pump, and the pain ramps up. Nickter starts pounding his face into the bars of the cage until he’s oozing blood in an attempt to knock himself out. Jill begs Scabrous to stop. Scabrous ignores her and drops the orchid into the flask at the top of the pump…
…and now we cut to Jura, whose managed to sneak into the tower as Barry was leaving. Jura has resolved that he’s going to find a way to get back at Scoprique, although he hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill him or just humiliate him. Surely, this subplot will resolve itself in a satisfactory way.
He entered the laboratory to the sound of screaming and crashing. He recognizes Nickter in the cage, and sees the tubes coming out of his back. He watches as Scabrous drops the orchid (which he can’t quite make out) into the pump, and the red-yellow fluid flowing into Nickter turns incandescent. Nickter stops screaming and collapses. A heart monitor that was attached to him flat-lines. Jura concludes that Nickter is dead.
We flip back to Jill, whose starring at the dead body in the cage. In her head, she hears the orchid screaming.
Joe Schreiber posted:
She couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Nothing in her experience at the Marfa facility or before had prepared her for this. In the past forty-eight standard hours, the routines of her daily existence had become a blood-soaked travesty of reality.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Captain Obvious!
Jill looks at the cylinder the orchid was dropped in. The orchid has dissolved, but she can still hear it screaming.
And then Nickter’s corpse sits up. 
13. Dragon Teeth
Let’s take a minute to sample some of Joe Schreiber’s writing (*shudder*)
Joe Schreiber posted:
Jura never saw the door blow off the cage.
It happened so quickly that the only thing his mind registered was the wire mesh flying across the lab, slamming into a vented power-cell housing that protruded down from the ceiling. Metal struck metal with a flat, declarative clang that reminded him somehow of the sound of training blades clashing at the top of the temple. It was a noise that said: Things have been put into motion, and whatever happens next, there will be no going back
Now, a good author would never put that last sentence in a story. It’s essentially announcing “THIS IS IMPORTANT GUYZ 
“. In fact, the audience is quite aware that what just happened. This is a story about zombies, so of course the scene where the zombies are introduced is important.
“. In fact, the audience is quite aware that what just happened. This is a story about zombies, so of course the scene where the zombies are introduced is important.
As the passage indicates, we’re watching from Jura’s POV. He watches zombie-Nickter crawl out of the cage. He notes two features that will be common among all the zombies in this book: glassy, twitchy eyes, and a yellow grin that I can only describe as “zombie rape-face.” Despite being a Sith Student himself, Jura has frozen in fear at the sight of zombie-Nickter.
Scabrous beckons zombie-Nickter to come forward. Zombie-Nickter replies by leaping onto Scabrous’ face and taking a nice bite out of it. That’s probably a record for a zombie project blowing up in its creator’s face. Scabrous flings z-Nickter across the room into a rack of flasks and beakers. When z-Nickter gets up, he’s covered in broken shards of glass “like dragon teeth.” Meanwhile, Jill makes a break for it, running into the turbolift.
Scabrous then roars really loud (Sith voice amplification!). Jura looks back to Scabrous. His right face is hanging like a pale bloody flap. He grabs z-Nickter with the Force and slams it into Jura. He then sends both of them hurtling out of one of the tower windows.
14. Dropouts
Rance Lussk is walking to the library, which is near the tower, when he hears a voice behind him calling his name. He turns around and sees Ra’at partially hidden by a veil of falling snow. Ra’at is radiating the confidence only possessed by those who have mastered the Double Dare obstacle course. Ra’at wants to know why Lussk wasn’t at lightsaber practice this morning. Lussk doesn’t even bother to shrug – as top student, he can blow off training sessions if he likes. Lussk asks Ra’at what he wants. Ra’at reveals two training lightsabers and tosses one to Lussk, challenging him to a fight right now. Lussk isn’t interested and tries to blow him off, but Ra’at is persistent. He launches an attack, catching Lussk across the chest. Lussk is mostly exasperated that he has to put up with this bullshit just days after beating down Nickter. So now he has to make an example of Ra’at.
Lussk and Ra’at trade a few blows before Lussk decides to try the same trick he used on Nickter on Ra’at. Except for some reason he has to vocalize his commands. Ra’at turns out to not be as malleable as Nickter and he resists Lussk’s commands. Now Lussk is just pissed and moves in to finish the fight the old fashion way.
And that’s when he hears a crashing sound above him. Both he and Ra’at gawk as they watch two bodies plummet from the top of the tower to the ground not far away. The two hit the ground with a sickening, meaty crunch. Lussk then sees z-Nickter get up. The fall messed him up quite fierce – one eye is protruding, his spine and shoulders are wrenched sideways, its arms are broken, and bones are protruding from his skin. But zombies can still move fine despite messed up physiology.
Lussk recognizes the bodies as once belonging to Nickter and Jura. Nickter starts chowing down on Jura. Ra’at is just muttering “what is that thing?” Lussk has a better presence of mind to realize that when confronted by inexplicable danger, the first thing to do is to put someone else between it and you. He grabs Ra’at and shoves him toward the zombie. Ra’at, who moments earlier was using the Force to perform precise acrobatic moves, pinwheels his arms and falls on his back in front of the zombie. Z-Nickter’s attention turns to Ra’at while Lussk gets the fuck out of there. The last thing he hears is Ra’at screaming.
[SirPhoebos’ notes: it’s at this point that my sanity breaks down and I start writing parody Star Wars fanfic. Which is as awful as actual fanfic. I’ll spare posting it in entirety, but if anyone wants to see me embaress myself can read it here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3296954&pagenumber=55#post388788294 ]
15. Triage
Darth Scabrous turns out to be a registered nurse and begins taking steps to delay the process of zombification. It would seem getting bit by a zombie was part of the plan all along. For his next act, Scabrous is going to need Jill. Speaking of who, Scabrous figured that she would make a run for it, but took no steps to keep her from getting away like, say, locking the door. Hmm, doesn’t sound like you got your priorities straight, Scabby.
Meanwhile, Scabrous begins thinking unironically about how cool, detached and analytical he is. Because roasting someone’s head and serving it to his partner is a totally logical thing to do. Even so, he hates Jill, because…well, Joe doesn’t really say why. I suppose as a Star Wars fanboy (cause who else would read this) I’m supposed to infer that since he’s a Sith, he’s obliged to hate all Jedi. The language Scabrous uses to describe his hate, though, is kinda strong for someone he just met:
Joe Schreiber posted:
Hated her with the brutal, grinding hate of the entire Sith war machine; hated her with the blazing intensity of ten thousand dying suns.
Whoops, mispelled in GIS
Geeze, Scabrous, did she cut you off during your commute or something? Anyway, it takes Scabrous a bit over a minute to set up his zombiitis treatment. Scabrous must now find Jill and kill her in a painful but unspecified manner. And this will somehow allow Scabrous to live forever.
oookayyy?
What’s the deal with all the force-using villains wanting to live forever? It's not like life is that great when you’re a Sith Lord since everyone is always trying to kill you. But never mind that. Why don’t we review Scabrous’s plan:
1. Make Zombie
2. Get Bit by Zombie
3. ????
4. Profit! Immortality!
This plan probably didn’t wind up on the short list of ways to become immortal for future Sith Lords.
Scabrous has no symptoms of early-stage zombiitis yet. Joe Schreiber is going to play fast and loose with how fast it takes for zombiitis to set in and mature. Scabrous is now wearing a harness that holds six liters of fresh blood, which will prevent his zombiitis from maturing for six hours. Having done hikes carrying a 2 liter camelpak, I can imagine this set up would probably be real cumbersome and the blood packs may leak or even burst the instant they are subjected to a lot of stress. But, eh, the Force.
Even worse, it’s a pretty fugly outfit
Scabrous takes the express route off the tower – he jumps out the window, falls 100 meters, and starts running the moment he lands. Good thing his camelpak didn’t blow apart the instant he hit the ground. He contacts his HK droid and tells it to activate the perimeter defenses and start looking for Jill. With his Force abilities combined with knowing the place like the back of his hand and with six hours of fresh blood, he’s pretty sure he can find Jill in time. Certainly it’s not going to take him until the last minute where the slightest interruption would fuck up his plan…right?
16. Convocation
Speaking of Jill, we join up with her. Her survival strategy seems to be “Run around Sith Academy with confusing layout blindly.” Obviously, it’s not doing her any good. Despite being turned into zombie juice, the orchid is still talking to Jill and still has a better sense of her surroundings than she does.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Hestizo, the orchid’s voice cut in, stop. Stay. Crouch
Wow, now the flower’s talking to her like a dog. That’s gotta lift the ole ego.
Jill ducks behind a fallen statue. Peeking over, she spots a group of Sith students being led by one of the Masters (description fits Hracken, but the book never specifies) to a larger gathering of students.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Despite the fact that they walked together, some of them even talking among themselves in low voices, she had never seen a group of individuals so utterly detached from one another. When they exchanged glances, she saw only coldness in their eyes, as if they were sizing one another up, trying to find some advantage over the others.
Jill manages to pick all this up at a distance of twenty meters. Also the theme “Sith are nothing but dicks to each other” keeps coming up and is a not-at-all subtle clue of how likely any of them are going to survive in a zombie story.
Eventually, one of the Masters addresses the crowd of several hundred students. He says that some bad mojo has come over the academy (well, worse than usual) and the Masters have no real idea what the problem is, so classes are being suspended until the Masters have a better grasp of the situation. Jill thinks she’s so clever in picking out that the speaker is trying to hide the fact that he doesn’t understand the problem, even though he basically admitted that. The flower cuts in and tells her to get her ass down, but it’s too late – a Sith student has spotted her.
We now cut to that Sith student (named Ranlaw, if you care). He’s thinking that there is indeed a sense in the Force that something wrong has happened at the academy when he spots Jill. He quickly deduces that she’s a Jedi and that she has something to do with whatever shit’s going down at the academy. While no one else is looking, he leaps over the statue and tackles Jill, who, like I said, is useless. Also, none of the Masters looking out over the students noticed that one of them just hopped off like some ADD rabbit. He’s about to announce his discovery to the group when a clawed hand clamps over his mouth and the butt end of a wooden spear knocks him unconscious.
We return to Jill, who’s forced back into cover by her rescuer. She quickly realizes who it is:
Noooo, Barry! Why didn’t you get out of here? You had a clear exit out of Spencer Manor! Now you’re trapped in a horrible Star Wars book! 
Really, why the fuck is he still here? He had what he wanted and all he needed to do was leave – it’s not like there were zombies yet to get in his way. I like Barry, but his continued presence in this story is utterly baffling and is never explained by Joe. Jill too is wondering why he’s still here, and asks him. He’s got something to show her apparently. No reward for guessing what it is, or asking why the fuck a bounty hunter that just got paid would even give a flying fuck.
17. Neti
We now get a new POV character: Kindra, back all the way from chapter two. Kindra is alone in the library, the oldest structure in the academy. She’s following the “Dark Power through Reading Comprehension” study path popularized by Darth Bane 2,400 years later. Kindra notes that Scabrous supposedly found a Sith artifact in the library.
While Kindra is studying, she begins to sense the bad mojo at the Academy and begins to get the heebie-jeebies. She decides to head back to the dorm. And now Joe Schreiber gives us “Zombie Psyche-Out #1.” Kindra hears creaking sounds in the ceiling, and begins to get more nervous. And we, the reader, now think, “Oh, no! There are zombies coming!” Or at least we would if this was being written by someone who can make characters we give a shit about. In this case, the reader thinks, “Come on, let’s get on with the zombies.” But there are no zombies. It’s instead Dail’liss, a Neti bibliophile who serves as the librarian. He’s been the curator for hundreds of years, and his manner of speech says “I want to rip off Yoda, but George Lucas won’t let me 
”. Dail’liss is rooted in the library’s foundation, but somehow has free roam of the structure, however that works.
”. Dail’liss is rooted in the library’s foundation, but somehow has free roam of the structure, however that works.
Dail’liss asks if something is bothering Kindra, but she denies it. Dail’liss can tell she’s B.S.ing, so he keeps talking about the bad mojo in the air.
Joe Schreiber posted:
“Didn’t have to say anything. Written all over your face, yes?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Talking about the Sickness, out there in the wind.”
hmmm...
You know what, I like this association enough that I’m making it canon for this Let’s Read: the zombies all have the band Disturbed playing in their heads. Whether that’s a blessing or a curse I’ll leave to you to decide.
Kindra realizes that Dail’liss hit the nail on the head: Disturbed is in town. She asks for more details and where she can get scalped tickets, but the Neti turns cryptic and evasive, refusing to divulge any more information except that Kindra should stay in the library. Kindra doesn't feel hanging out with Treebeard is a good use of her time in any circumstance, and so she leaves.
Now before we continue, I'd like to take a moment to discuss the site where I found the above image: Joe Schreiber's blog! He has a list of all the songs he was listening to while writing the novel. Let's see what they are:
Joe Scheiber's blog posted:
1) "Twentieth Century Fox Fanfare" - Alfred Newman
2) "Live Wire" - Motley Crue
3) "10000 Feet" - Wolfmother
4) "Mind Eraser, No Chaser" - Them Crooked Vultures
5) "Alien - Main Title" - Jerry Goldsmith
6) "The Difference Between Us" - The Dead Weather
7) "Fresh Blood" - The Eels
8) "Panic Switch" - Silversun Pickups
9) "Iron Swan" - The Sword
10) "Black Mud" - The Black Keys
11) "Gimme Shelter (Illuminoids Remix)" - Rolling Stones
12) "Burn" - Nine Inch Nails
13) "Friend of the Night" - Mogwai
14) "If the World (End Titles)" - Guns N' Roses
Haven't heard most of these, but I do note the lack of anything from Red Harvest. More importantly, there is no Disturbed. If Joe had been listening to Disturbed, the book would probably be much better. 
18. Just Another Day in Paradise
We rejoin Ra'at, the Little Sith that Could. Ra'at's been lying in the snow for several hours by his reckoning. He's got a gash in his right arm that goes almost down to the bone; the pain makes it so he's fucked if he gets into a fight. But he's somehow not died of hypothermia. Also, he's not a zombie.
So how did Ra'at survive falling on his ass in front of z-Nickter. Well, a trip down memory lane fills us in! The first detail he recalls is that Jura's corpse somehow disappears; Ra'at figures Nickter just ate the whole thing. But that's not important, what's important is that there's a fucking zombie, and after his initial tumble, Ra'at wraps his mind around what's happening-there are zombies, and they want to eat him. Calling upon his Double Dare training, Ra'at leaps up to a nearby ledge where he finds a handy pile of rocks. He grabs a rock and chucks it at z-Nickter. z-Nickter is staggered, but then starts to climb the ledge. So he tries another tactic. He piles up a stack of rocks primed to fall, and holds it in place with the Force. Z-Nicker clambers over the ledge and charges at Ra'at because Admiral Ackbar is not a member of Disturbed and there was no way he could warn him. Ra'at releases the rocks and traps z-Nickter's legs. Ra'at grabs another rock and swings it down at his spine.
Joe Schreiber posted:
There was a surprisingly loud and deeply satisfying crunch as its cervical spine shattered and the thing went limp.
For all his faults, Joe does an entertaining job describing severe injuries. Just Ra'at goes for another blow, however, Disturbed begins a new set and z-Nickter tries to lunge at Ra'at. Ra'at performs another pratfall, this time off the edge of the cliff. Flashback over, Ra'at decides that the best course of action is to seek medical treatment. He's starts heading that way when he hears something.
Joe Schreiber posted:
A scratching sound came from somewhere off to his right, and he stopped and held his breath.
"Whoever's there, come out where I can see you."
Gosh, I'm just on the edge of my cha-no, wait it's Kindra. She asks what happened to him, but Ra'at lies and says he got schooled at the Double Dare course. Ra'at begrudging makes a concession to the Sith philosophy of "Fuck Everyone" and accepts that having Kindra around might improve his chances of survival. He tells her he's heading for the infirmary, and she says she's going to the dorm. Then we get this charming text:
Joe Schreiber posted:
"Something's wrong."
"Meaning what?"
"I got a bad feeling."
It was an odd remark, he thought, uncharacteristically revealing, and not the sort of thing she'd ever shared with him before. They'd never really had any reason to talk. Immediately Ra'at suspected that she was trying to gain his trust, to make him let his guard down.
Yes, just after getting a surprise zombie attack, the first not-undead person Ra'at meets says she thinks something's wrong, and his first thought is she's trying to manipulate him. With Sith like these, how the fuck did they ever threaten anyone? Ra'at acts all cool, saying it's "Just another day in paradise." The chapter ends with Kindra saying "Whatever it is, it's coming." Oooh, ominous!
19. Header
We now get a new POV character: Scopique, the Zabrak admitted to fulfill the academy's diversity quotas. Specifically the need for every Sith Academy to have a Zabrak so everyone remembers Darth Maul. Except said characters aren't allowed to live long so they don't accidentally wind up being cooler than Maul, which isn't that hard. I hope I haven't spoiled anything in this paragraph.
Scopique is stepping out of the shower when he sees a trail of fresh blood leading to the bunks. He thankfully dresses in his uniform before going to investigate, because I probably would put a fatwah out for Joe if he wrote a scene with a naked Scopique fighting zombies (again, I don't think I'm spoiling anything). Scopique sees that someone has deposited a dead body in his bunk, which Scopique thinks is pretty hardcore. He goes to flip it over when the corpse comes to life and attacks him. And what do you know, it's his friend Jura!
Wait, let me piece together the events leading up to this: Jura fell with Nickter out of the tower, so we can infer that Jura got Zombiitis from Nickter. z-Jura then got up while Ra'at was still dealing with z-Nickter. Then, rather than joining with z-Nickter in the fun, z-Jura goes to the dorms, waits several hours for Scopique to get into the shower before depositing himself on his bed, leaving a trail of blood for Scopique to discover. He's putting a lot of thought into being a fucking zombie!
Scopique leaps up and grabs a handy ventilation shaft fixture and thinks about how he was expecting Jura to try to get back at him, but didn't imagine this scenario, and how he's enjoying himself. Scopique pries free the vent cover, which like any hand-portable object in an evil facility, is designed to be used as a makeshift weapon if necessary. He tosses it at z-Jura and decapitates it, bringing the zombie down. Scopique remains where he is as a precaution. He's already imagining himself telling his buddies he just killed a zombie when z-Jura's body grops around and finds its head. He picks it up the head, which let's out the patented Star Wars Zombie Scream, and throws it at Scopique. The head latches onto Scopique's arm. Scopique drops and comically waves his arm around trying to get the head off. Then he succumbs to zombiitis pretty quickly.
There's a perspective cut, but it's pretty short. More students enter the dorm and get ambushed by z-Scopique, ending the chapter.
20. Lockdown
We go to the Great Sith Cafeteria and we get the mother of all zombie cliches: getting locked in with the zombies. There are 120 students in the Cafeteria when the shit goes down. The doors to the cafeteria lock inexplicably. No reason is given now, and no reason will be forthcoming. The POV is a Sith student who I'll just call Deadmeat. Deadmeat is the first to discover the doors are locked, and struggles with them for awhile before hearing screaming coming from the kitchen. Six or seven zombies appear, each listening to "Liberate", which they're about to give it a quite literal interpretation.
In the battle between 7 zombies and 120 Sith students...the Sith get fucking steamrolled. Joe Schreiber is clearly having fun with his writing, describing the zombies make a joke out of Star Wars' most persistent villain group. I'd hate it if it weren't so visceral...so let's talk about something I do hate. As Deadmeat goes down, he spots another zombie cliche: the idiot that wants to be zombie! But it's not just some random asshole. It's Rance Lussk.
Yes, Lussk, the top student at the academy, the guy that's been getting a huge build up since the first chapter, has decided he wants to join the zombie bandwagon. Really, I just don't know anymore.
Not sure what this is, and right now I'm past the point of caring
21. Headstone City
Horatio lands at the deserted main hanger at night, not even challenged by automated defenses. He begins sensing for threats, but notes that the entire planet registers as a threat. The Dark Side presence at the academy is overwhelming. Horatio knows he's in the right place, however.
Horatio's ship has no stealth capabilities, so he's expecting a fight. Horatio didn't bring anyone to help him fight his way through an academy full of Sith because he's an idiot. Either that, or no one was willing to put up with his one liners. Luckily, the academy has a bad case of the zombies, otherwise Horatio's rescue attempt would have ended pretty quickly. As it is, there is no one here to greet him.
He runs past a control booth and notices that the hatchway has been ripped off. Insides are signs of a scuffle, with piles of the holomags Hot Ships and Kuat Classics. Horatio tries to use Force Crime Scene Investigation to piece together what happened. The image he gets isn't really clear - just a guy getting attacked and shitting his pants without much specific on what attacked him.
Horatio looks out over the Sith Academy, which is still running its lights because zombies are not conscious about energy conservation. There is a smell of death and decay in the air. He picks out a point of reference to begin exploring Spenser Manor Darth Scabrous's Tower of Over-compensation.
Joe Schreiber posted:
His eyes settled on a tall black structure jutting upward, far above the other, lowlier structures, its top swathed in snow - a tower, like a headstone amid a city of the dead.
Just in case you missed it, one of the books themes is the dead.
So Horatio ventures in, resigning himself to emblem puzzles and lots of backtracking.
Horatio posted:
"I just hope this trail doesn't lead to a 
dead end."
dead end."
22. Practicum
We return to Jill, who's been led by Barry to where Ra'at had trapped z-Nickter, who's still trying to get loose. Jill recognizes him, and figures that Barry recognized it too, and that was why he brought her to look at it. Which is stupid, because Barry didn't go far enough into Scabrous' laboratory to see Nickter. And why did he not head straight back to his ship? And what business could possibly have brought him up to what is described as a ledge next to abandoned building?
Barry pokes the zombie with his spear, and the zombie starts screaming and does his best Exorcist impression (neat trick, Barry!). And then we get this brilliant exchange:
Joe Schreiber posted:
"Explain that," Tulkh said.
"Me?" she asked. "You're the one that brought us here. Now we're both stuck in the middle of it"
One finger tapped her firmly in the middle of her chest. "You're stuck."
"What about you?"
"I'm already gone."
No, Barry, you are not gone. You are still here, in this wretched book, on NotKorriban. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!? I swear I'll explain why I like Barry so much (or at least more than the other characters in this book) at some other point of this Let's Read. There is a reason, just now isn't the best time to explain it.
The screaming can now be heard from below the overhang. Barry walks to the edge of the cliff and holds his glow rod out over the edge. Jill looks over and sees six more zombies joining in and trying to determine who can make the most racket. The orchid pipes in again, informing Jill that the zombie up on the cliff is calling the zombies below to dinner. Sure enough, the six zombies beneath them begin climbing.
23. Lowboy
We return to Ra'at's POV. He's with Kindra looking through the dorms. They're both wondering where everyone is, but of course there's no suspense because we the reader already know. Ra'at's arm stopped hurting-guess those bone-deep gashes heal quickly. It must be the Dark Side, which is renowned for it's healing ability. Oh, wait...
They eventually head into one of those underground service tunnels that connect the dorms. There they meet two other students, Hartwig and Maggs; one we hardly remember and another that's completely new. Wonderful.
Joe Schreiber posted:
"What are you two doing down here?" Hartwig asked. He frowned at Ra'at. "Dag, man, what happened to your arm?"
"Training accident," Ra'at said evenly.
Hartwig smirked. "Fail."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning that"-Hartwig pointed at the wound-"doesn't look like any training accident I ever saw. What did you do, fall on a vibro-blade or something."
Yes, prospective members to the Order of the Sith speak like retarded 4channers who learned everything they know about proper language and sentence structure from the internet.This is canon.
Ra'at avoids telling the two about the zombies because he can't see how sharing that knowledge would improve his chances of survival. The Sith are in desperate need of hiring a motivational speaker on teamwork. It doesn't have to be Sith-commies like the Brotherhood of Darkness, but they can at least find a happy medium where they can work together for the common evil, can't they?
Hartwig and Maggs haven't seen anyone. Kindra says they should get weapons, which is the first sensible thing these evil overlords-in-training have come up with. Right away, Hartwig insist they should keep acting like retarded walking zombie food because this might be a drill by Scabrous, and the Masters would get upset if the students took any measures to defend themselves.
These are even worse Sith than this guy!
Ra'at realizes that this is incredibly stupid and finally tells them all about the zombies. They're skeptical until he mentions that he was fighting with Lussk the zombie enthusiast when he first saw z-Nickter. For some reason this adds credibility. Don't ask me how. And we get Zombie Psyche-Out #2. They hear a sharp rattle down the corridor along with a dragging, grating clank that's approaching them. Ra'at readies himself for combat (no group coordination, of course), flattening himself against the wall, and drawing on the Dark Side while thinking about how awesome it is. And then...
Hahaha, that would be scary, wouldn't it? But no, it turns out to be an eight-armed training unit that barely qualifies as a droid. Ra'at starts ripping apart the poor droid in order to access it's playback function. The video feed shows what appear to be Sith Acolytes building a wall. And naturally, there appears to be something wrong with them.
"Ooh, Ooh, Mr. Schreiber! I know what's wrong with them!!!
"They're moping that the school's Smashball team lost the Homecoming game! 
"That's not why? Oh, okay I'll sit down. 
"
"
Maggs says they might have weapons that may have weapons and they'll be happy to lend them a few (does Schreiber even realize how inconsistent he's characterizing the Sith? Aaugh!). Before he can do something stupid, the camera gets a better view, confirming that these are in fact zombies.
And their trying to wall in our intrepid survivors. Dun-dun-DUUUUNNN!
By the way, the entry for Smashball says that Qui-Gon Jinn and Count Dooku played Smashball at one time. Yep.
24. Seed
Barry waits for the first zombie to get into range, and then impales it on a spear and begins sweeping it back and forth to knock the others off. Unfortunately, spears and other piercing weapons have a damage penalty to zombies according to Dungeons and Dragons, so the speared zombie is now thrashing about on the spear. And the other zombies start changing their angle of attack to avoid Barry’s sweeps. Meanwhile, the orchid has gotten all 
, which is strangely appropriate for a black flower. It’s starts whining about how it got turned into zombie juice and is now inside them and how it didn’t do anything to prevent it. This gives Jill an idea.
, which is strangely appropriate for a black flower. It’s starts whining about how it got turned into zombie juice and is now inside them and how it didn’t do anything to prevent it. This gives Jill an idea.Joe Schreiber posted:
I’ve got an idea, she told the orchid. Grow.
What?
You’re in them now, she said, aren’t you? You’re a part of them. You said so yourself.
Yes, but-
Then grow
I can’t just-
Don’t argue with me! Just GROW!
Yes, even though it’s been decomposed into zombie juice, the flower is able to sprout inside the zombies. 
Thinking the command in all-caps forces the flower to do Jill’s bidding. The zombie on Barry’s spear stops moving, and green tendrils start to sprout from the orifices in its head. The same is happening to the other zombies in the vicinity. But doing this hurts the orchid a lot, and it begs and pleads with Jill to stop. Jill ignores it, intoxicated with the idea of not being useless, and starts spamming the command, until…
Thinking the command in all-caps forces the flower to do Jill’s bidding. The zombie on Barry’s spear stops moving, and green tendrils start to sprout from the orifices in its head. The same is happening to the other zombies in the vicinity. But doing this hurts the orchid a lot, and it begs and pleads with Jill to stop. Jill ignores it, intoxicated with the idea of not being useless, and starts spamming the command, until…Joe Schreiber posted:
The corpse’s entire cranial vault exploded in a colossal splat of red and black and green. In the place where its skull had been, a bright spray of leaves flapped and writhed, winding outward, spilling down, to encompass the entire upper half of the thing’s torso. The body fell limp, sagging on the spear.
best GIS result for "Badass Flower"
Barry is impressed, and encourages her to keep it up. Jill keeps pushing the orchid to keep growing to the point where it stops responding to her commands and goes quiet. Yes, Jill, you just worked your best friend to the point of death and possibly beyond. Way to go! 
A zombie grabs Jill by the ankle and yanks her down, as he is stricken by her. Jill goes back to her old useless self. Barry is pretty peeved by this development. Just as the zombies are about to get too much to handle, a black turret bursts out of the ground and starts firing lasers and freudian imagery. The zombie grappling her is disintegrated. Jill is knocked off the ledge by Barry before she gets gibbed too. Barry grabs Jill by the arm and drags her worthless ass into the nearest structure.
Oh, and Jill working another sentient being possibly to death? Totally not using the Dark Side. 
The Space Pope decrees that using flowers as slave labor is okay if you can find a use for them.
25. Positive ID
“Hey, isn’t there a Sith Lord in this story?” Indeed there is, little Billy! We find Darth Scabby no where near Jill-he’s busy searching Barry’s ship, two km outside of the academy. Wow, not the greatest tracker are you, Scabrous. If only the Force was helpful in tracking down someone…
His HK reports that Jill has been located, and that she and Barry are headed for the tauntaun paddock. Scabrous at least remembers how his academy is laid out. He realizes that the paddock is not far from the library, which has some significance to Scabrous. Scabby tells the HK not to activate the defenses in that area, saying he will handle it personally.
Also the HK reports that the academy now has a zombie infestation (he doesn’t actually say that, but we know what he’s talking about). This gives Scabrous some pause, because he didn’t realize that releasing a zombie plague would be a side-effect of his cockamamie scheme. Wait what? I guess when you introduce zombies into a setting for the first time chronologically, then the people in that setting will be unfamiliar with how zombies swing, but it’s still really bizarre he’d be unaware. And isn’t Scabby’s plan dependent on a zombie transmitting the disease to him? So why’s he surprised when other people start getting it?
Eventually, Scabrous decides he doesn’t give a shit. He tells HK that lasers won’t be needed anymore-he’s just going to go to the library, and somehow get Jill to meet him there. Once he’s finished with her, he’s getting the hell out of Dodge.So wait, if you’re so sure you can get Jill to meet you at the library, then why didn’t you just go there in the first place!? Why the fuck did you take this sojourn all the way out to Barry’s ship? And then take the time to search the ship when it’s been established in both the EU and this very book that a trained Force-user can scan areas for lifesigns.
Time Management. Look into it.
26. Subzero
I wish
Horatio has been wandering the ruins for an hour and hasn’t encountered anyone. Indeed, the only obstacle to his progress is that it’s fucking cold! Eventually he spots movement in the shadow. Note that Joe Schreiber has completely omitted that Force-users can sense danger. Either he forgot or chose to willfully ignore this ability so as not to conflict with the way he likes to write zombie stories (i.e. the shit way.)
From the long forgotten age of Chapter One comes Blademaster Shak’Weth. And he’s looking for a fight. Specifically, a fight that will send Star Wars sperg lords into fits of rage. The duel starts well enough, with Horatio dodging a couple of close calls. Eventually, Horatio pulls the following maneuver:
Joe Schreiber posted:
When the red blade came at him again, Trace jumped upward. He put everything he knew about Form V’s Djem So variation into that jump, leaping over Shak’Weth, spiraling through the flying snow, landing on the other side, and twisting around instantly, keeping his lightsaber at throat level with the intention of finishing the duel in a single stroke.
Horatio misses, probably because DJEM SO DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! 
Shak’Weth makes his counterattack…
Joe Schreiber posted:
He swung at Trace, and this time the Jedi felt a hot, bright stab of pain as the lightsaber seared through his cloak and tunic, slashing into the flesh along his rib cage. Drops of blood fell into the snow, disappearing as they melted.
LIGHTSABER WOUNDS! DON’T! BLEED! (except in Episode IV) RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!
*ahem* Sorry. Shak’Weth then leans against a broken wall and is about to push off it to finish the duel. And without warning, a zombie grabs him from behind the cracks and slams his head into the ground. Remember what I said about Force-users not being able to sense threats? Yeah…
Oh, and: Fatality! Flawless Victory!
The zombie starts chowing down on Shak’Weth’s face, and Horatio…just sort of watches. He’s not even hurt anymore, or Joe just forgets to mention the wound. For the rest of the book. Joe is sure to describe the copious amounts of blood spurting out of the Sith Master’s neck. The zombie pauses to let out a Zombie Scream, and zombies from all around the academy answer with their own.
Horatio posted:
“This place is turning out 
to be a scream.”
to be a scream.”
27. Paddock
We return to Jill and Barry, who have escaped the turbolasers and zombie hordes into a foul-smelling corridor. Jill begins vocalizing her inner monologue of how she mistreated her friend to save their own skin and may have killed it outright. But Barry isn’t interested in Jill’s angst.
Joe Schreiber posted:
The Whiphid responded to all of this with a grunt. “You finished?”
“I just thought you might want to know how I saved our lives back there. You were the one who asked me for an explanation, after all.”
“My mistake.”
“Really?” she said. “Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe you should have thought of that before you abducted me and dragged me out here to a planet full of walking corpses.”
No reply from the Whiphid.
So after admitting that the only time she’s not useless is when she can misuse and exploit the hardship of her friends, she decides to get mouthy with a Whiphid that can rend her in half if he wanted to. And he instead decides to just ignore her. And this is why I like Barry. It’s not because of any characterization given by Joe Schreiber, because he hardly gives any. Rather, it’s the half interest in what’s going on all around him. So I gave Barry my own interpretation: he knows he’s neck deep in a terrible Star Wars book and there’s nothing he can do about it. So his only choice is to slog through all the roles he’s mandated to take, including rescuing some flower girl he played a role in kidnapping in the first place, a person who alternates between angst and uselessness and being a total bitch. But he sure as hell isn’t going to act like he’s here for any reason besides author fiat.
Not that Joe Schreiber doesn’t try to characterize Barry. It’s just that, like so many things in this book, his attempts for the most part sucks bad. Jill decides she’s going to mind-probe Barry. Her initial probing uncovers what we already know about him-Barry has killed a bunch of dudes in his life. She finds out nothing about why they were killed or what he felt about killing them. Digging deeper, she senses the memories of his childhood, but these memories are locked away and we learn nothing of them. Jill admits that she too has memories walled away to, but none of this is explored now or later. All this is is a weak attempt by the author to tell us “THESE CHARACTERZ ARE DEEP, SRSLY! 
“ Jill’s foray is interrupted by an inexplicable vision of Darth Scabrous. Barry realizes that she’s in his head, and ejects her with extreme prejudice. When her real-world vision returns, Barry has his hand around her neck. He warns her that he’ll decapitate her if she does that again.
“ Jill’s foray is interrupted by an inexplicable vision of Darth Scabrous. Barry realizes that she’s in his head, and ejects her with extreme prejudice. When her real-world vision returns, Barry has his hand around her neck. He warns her that he’ll decapitate her if she does that again.
The two are in a chamber with branching tunnels. It’s still pretty goddamn cold, but at least there is lighting. Barry is tensing up and draws his magnum bow and an arrow. Jill keeps complaining that they’re lost and that the place smells awful. Barry just ignores her. They come to a row of stalls, and occupying them are:
Barry steps close to one, and it rewards him by spitting in his face. Barry glares at the tauntaun while the thing give him its best 
face. Then Barry smiles.
face. Then Barry smiles.Joe Schreiber posted:
“Good girl.” Tulkh brushed one hand over its snout, ruffling the fur beneath one of its horns. “I bet there’s probably some mook fruit for you around here somewhere.” Then, glancing back at Zo, his smile faded. “What?”
In a single paragraph, Joe does more to develop Barry as a character than a page-worth of mind probing. Authors are probably at their most disappointing when underneath mountains of trash there is the glimmer of competent writing and interesting ideas.
But who needs character development when you can have ZOMBIES!!! Not a moment after Barry’s done bonding with his new friend, all the tauntauns in the paddock get spooked. And then, the light goes out.
You know what they say: where there's a market...
Barry grabs Jill and starts leading her through the darkness. Jill manages to feel the zombie horde approaching from behind. And the zombies break out their classic scream: “-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“. Jill describes the screaming like it was some sort of sonar. Jill draws upon the Force, and…uses it to get a one second visual of the room they’re in. Wonderful, but in this case it’s enough for Jill to save their asses without a friend to work to death. She trips Barry so that he falls into an empty stall, then gets on top of him and glomps him hard enough for him to understand that he should lie still and be quiet. The plan works. Jill senses the zombies file past them, but they fail to notice the two.
Once the zombies are gone, Barry shoves Jill off and states his displeasure with her choice of action, because he’s goddamn Barry Burton and running and hiding aren’t his policy. Jill retorts that neither them are particularly well equipped to fight zombies and will get slaughtered if they fight. Barry says nothing, and the two continue to walk through the paddock. Eventually they exit, only to find that they’re back at the tower.
should have checked GamesFAQ
28. What the Sickness Said
We join Lussk, who is watching the other sorry excuses for Sith rise up while he himself is zombifying. And he just can’t get over how great that is.
Joe Schreiber posted:
The Sickness had given him everything he’d hoped for, everything he wanted, power and strength beyond all imagining. It had altered the mid-chlorians in his bloodstream, telescoping his natural abilities, enhancing them exponentially.
Again with the midi-chlorians, Joe. This raises an interesting question, though: can zombies use the Force? This paragraph seems to imply they can. This idea gets grossly underutilized, however. In fact, there’s only one instant in this book where zombies do something that could be classified as using the Force instead of doing shit that the non-Force zombies in Death Troopers were already doing.
Back to Lussk, who just can’t stop thinking that now that he has zombie powers, he’s going to be immortal and be more powerful than either the Jedi or the Sith could ever dream of becoming. You might even say that he’s Indestructable. As the other zombies crowd around to start a mosh, Lussk begins to read the fine print. To his surprise, he learns that in order get zombie powers, he has to, you know, be a zombie. That means shuffling along in groups, only watching “Galaxy’s Funniest Home Holos”, working long hours of unpaid overtime in a small cubicle (oh my mistake, a SPACE cubicle) at a thankless job, and being unable to control his own drool.
Oh, and he has to listen to Disturbed.
All. The Fucking. Time.
That last point is a deal-breaker, and Lussk wants out. And so to sweeten the deal is the Voice of the Sickness: David Draiman.
Why yes, I am a big fan of this band 
What David offers Lussk is the beginning of the absolute worst thing in the book, so I’m including it for completion sake:
Joe Schreiber posted:
I will make you the last one, the Sickness promised. Of all the others, you alone shall endure. That is what I have to offer you.
But Lussk isn’t sold on the deal. David then tells him it’s a little too late to back out of being a zombie, having been bit and all. 
And then, Lussk is a zombie.
29. 1174-AA
We now rejoin our intrepid band of Sith students. They’ve stumbled on a storage room that is aptly named “Arsenal 1174-AA.” They pry the door opens and find a cache of weapons. In particular are 3 lightsabers. Ra’at takes one, while Kindra grabs the two others. She keeps one for herself and gives the other to Maggs. Because apparently Hartwig is a spazz with the lightsaber. Hartwig gets all pissy he didn’t get a lightsaber, and Kindra just tells him “tough shit.” And then Hartwig starts making threatening remarks to Kindra. A woman whose armed when he isn’t, and follows a belief system that encourages killing those who get in your way. But you want to know what the amazing dumbest thing is? Kindra doesn’t drop Hartwig right then and there!! She brings her lightsaber to his face. She’s says stuff to the effect of “I’m going to kill you dead now!” But she doesn’t actually kill him! Then Maggs sees something and tells the others they should see it to, and they all break off to see what he’s talking about. The standoff ends with no conclusion.
A much better Sith
30. Taste
Darth Scabrous gets to the library. Of the six hours he had to find Jill and complete the ritual, he’s managed to waste four. And he still intends to do the usual villain gloating. Right now, though, he’s got a job for Treebeard. Treebeard comes out, and Scabrous senses that he’s fearful of something. Treebeard confirms that, yes, he can feel the Sickness. He even senses that it’s now inside Scabrous.
I can see inside you/The Sickness is rising/Don’t try to deny it to meeee.
As Treebeard tells him this, Scabrous can feel there is something inside; a newfound appreciation for nu-rock/heavy metal. The feeling subsides, and he orders Treebeard to come down. Treebeard complies despite being scared shitless. Scabrous starts to explain his plan. He tells Treebeard about Jill and her flower friend, but in the middle of his explanation, the feeling inside him returns and briefly blossoms into a full-blown enthusiasm of Disturbed. With it comes a rush of power. Scabrous shakes it off along with the impulse to run off and buy Disturbed’s new album. He tells Treebeard the rest of his plan: he wants Treebeard to impersonate the orchid and call Jill to the library. Umm…how exactly does one impersonate a sentient orchid? You would think that after years of handling it, Jill would know what the orchid sounds like in her mind. Furthermore, this plan would be doomed to fail if not for the fact that Jill had worked the orchid to exhaustion. How many want to bet that despite these logical problems, it works without a problem?
Treebeard moans in response, and Scabby sees that a chunk of the Neti had been bitten off, and he now notices that he’s got a mouthful of maple syrup in his mouth. While he had been head-banging to Voices he took a bite out of Treebeard and didn’t even realize he did so. Scabrous, of course, doesn’t give a shit about the Neti, despite the fact that he’s necessary to his plan right now, and leaves him while he’s still bleeding sap.
31. Fresh Blizzard
Jill is staring at the tower, wondering how they wound up back here. She’s pretty sure some Sith illusion got them lost. I stand behind my theory that they didn’t consult the FAQ. Zombies are crawling along the surface of the tower, looking for a way in. Then there’s another zombie scream and two jump off the tower. One lands on top of Barry, driving him into the snow. The other lands not far from Jill and begins stalking her.
Barry quickly recovers. He takes his spear and jams it into the face of zombie attacking him, shattering its skull. He then knocks the zombie down, frees his spear, and drives it into the zombie’s spine, shattering it too. He then orders Jill to duck and throws his spear over her and nails the zombie behind her. He chops off the zombie's head while it’s still collapsed on top of her.
More zombies jump down. This time more than what Barry can handle. Barry tells Jill to get off her ass and start applying some of that training the Jedi supposedly gave her. At first she doesn’t think she can do it, but then her brain pulls out a motivational speech from her brother Horatio.
Joe Schreiber posted:
Listen, Hestizo. The Jedi taught you much more than simply how to fight. They taught you how to live. How to live within the Force, and uphold the bond that you share with it.
This is Joe’s one concession to wanking off about Jedi philosophy, because he quickly gets to the point about what the Force is really for (unless you’re a space hippie): it’s about killing dudes.
(Oh, come on! You know it's true!)
Jill activates hyper mode and gets to work. She jumps over a zombie and rips its head off with her bare hands, then uses the head to bean a second zombie so hard it slams back into the tower. She grabs a third zombie and fucking pile-drives it into the sky. While she’s doing this, Barry fires an arrow. Jill grabs the arrow out of mid air, snaps it in two, sticks them into a fourth zombie’s eyes, and then jams the other ends of the arrow-shafts into the eyes of a fifth zombie, joining them together permanently. She then grabs the arm of a sixth(!) zombie, rips it free, and clubs it in the head.
Why couldn’t Jill be like this all the time? I would love the shit out of this book if the protagonist was like this. But alas, Jill’s rage meter is depleted, and her awesomeness departs her just as quickly as it came. As Barry mops up the few zombies that are still writhing around, Jill suddenly hears the “orchid” again. And she’s totally convinced that it’s really the orchid. And there is nothing suspicious about it asking her to go to the library.
At least Barry is unconvinced. Keep on trucking, mate.
32. Flametown
We go back to Treebeard. When Scabby bit him, he got infected with zombiitis. Now he can hear David Draiman in his head, making fun of his lifestyle choices. Treebeard tries to defend himself, saying there’s nothing wrong with being a shut-in bibliophile, but David ignores him.
Joe Schreiber posted:
It’s not too late, the Sickness said. I have given you new life, and a new purpose, and you will know it if you seek my face. Will you, old tree? Will you seek my face?
What is it? the Neti asked. What is your face?
Mine is the face of blood and fire.
”Face of Blood and Fire”? Sounds like a song somewhere in there.
And so, zombiitis has turned Treebeard from a bibliophine to a pyromaniac. And, according to David Draiman, he is the beast. The “beast”, in this case, being a zombie tree-person. He’s tossing scrolls and holobooks into a bonfire, because holobooks are flammable apparently. Oh, and he can totally impersonate the voice of a rare specimen of orchid he never encountered before. No reason is given. It would have taken Schreiber just half a sentence to offer a plausible explanation, but nope, he just can. 
33. Redwall
NO NOT THAT!
So what the hell did Maggs see that was so important? Well, it was that wall the zombies were building. A wall that smells of rotting flesh. So I guess this is the titular Redwall. Personally, I think the name “Meatwall” is more fitting. Beside meat, it’s also made of metal debris and bone. On the other side is the exit. Ra’at is on POV duty again. And for some reason, his danger sense works and tells everyone to get their lightsabers out. From behind a large metal crate is our old friend Deadmeat. Aside from the usual zombie features, his belly is bloated for some reason. Deadmeat struts towards the wall, letting out a scream. Hartwig, in his first non-dumbass statement, tells the others to kill it. Except no one does. In fact, the quickness with which Ra’at had grasped the concept of a zombie plague has evaporated, and now he’s paralyzed with disbelief. 
. When he gets to the wall, Deadmeat barfs up the contents of his stomach, adding them to the Meatwall. Ra’at nearly barfs himself. Z-Deadmeat turns to head back, and the three armed Sith students finally hack it apart.
. When he gets to the wall, Deadmeat barfs up the contents of his stomach, adding them to the Meatwall. Ra’at nearly barfs himself. Z-Deadmeat turns to head back, and the three armed Sith students finally hack it apart.
Briefly they wonder where the rest of the zombies went, but they turn to clearing a path through the Meatwall. Ra’at is still looking at the storage crates, and wonders if the zombie scream was a call to others. Sure enough, the crates open, revealing 12 zombies. So they were just waiting for the students to think it was all clear before attacking? Sheesh, this is what it would be like if Roger Rabbit was a zombie.
Who Ate Roger Rabbit? posted:
Zombie Eddie: You mean to tell me you could have attacked them at any time?!?
Zombie Roger: No, not at any time. Only when it was scary. B’L’L’L’L’L’L’L!!!!!!
Ra’at, Kindra and Maggs actually get in a defensive formation while Hartwig digs them out as fast as they can. Things start to go bad, and a zombie starts chewing on Ra’at’s arm. Kindra helps get it off of him. More and more zombies come, and Ra’at is pretty convinced they’re all fucked. And then the Sith cavalry arrives. From out of fucking no where, Master Hracken (last seen: Chapter 5) is now at the back of the tunnel and busts out the primary anti-zombie ability the Sith have:
By the time Hracken is done, the entire hallway has been turned into a puddle of blackened bones and melted flesh. 
Having kicked more undead ass then the rest of the academy combined, Hracken beckons the survivors to follow him through…wait, where did he come from? Wherever he did, it’s disappeared, because they go back to clearing out the wall. 
And another thing, why is Hracken rescuing them? It’s not like there can’t possibly be a reason. Maybe he hopes to have some disciples before booking it and setting up his own shop. Maybe he realizes that organizational needs trump the Sith doctrine of “Fuck Everyone Else.” Maybe he just has an un-Sith-like concern for his students. Again, 
.
.
Back to the story, Ra’at’s got another problem. He got bit and his right arm is no good (again). Everyone’s looking at him, so he does his best to demonstrate that he’s just as good with his left arm. No one is really impressed. As he helps dig out the wall, the pain gets worse and worse. Also, Joe Schreiber is having trouble keeping his facts straight about his own goddamn book.
Joe Schreiber posted:
He thought of Nickter, how fast he had changed after Jura had bitten him.
Nickter bit Jura. Also, Ra’at didn’t see Jura become a zombie. Great edit, Joe!
Nickter bit Jura. Also, Ra’at didn’t see Jura become a zombie. Great edit, Joe!
Ra’at gets the thought that he should use the Dark Side, but gets another thought that this is an incredibly stupid idea. The pain spreads through his body. He gets dizzy, and falls to his knees. With no other choice, he draws on the Dark Side.
But instead of the Dark Side, he gets this:
Ra’at zombifies, and he starts hearing Disturbed jam out. And now that he’s a zombie, he’s pretty convinced that this is an awesome turn of events. But before he can enjoy his new lifestyle, Hracken fries him.
34. Reboot
With Jill determined to get herself killed, Barry has set out on his own and is returning to his ship. Like he should have done in the first place!! Now his departure is complicated by the fact that NotKorriban’s zombie plague is in full swing. It’s not long before he’s got another wave of zombies on his ass. Looking for a place to take cover, he finds:
Barry heads in, quickly followed by the zombies. He’s able to take them one at a time briefly, but there are soon too many to contain. So Barry monkey-bars across the inactive obstacle course and bursts into the control booth. He activates the simulator. It’s pretty effective at first. But soon they start to draw on the Zombie Side of the Force and are able to dodge the traps and make their way to the control booth. Barry’s fucked, so he searches for a way to unfuck himself. It doesn’t take him long to find his savior.
The HK is stuck in retard mode thanks to a restraining bolt. Barry rips the restraining bolt off, and HK-…34 (he needs a number, all right!?) busts out an impressive array of weaponry and blasts the shit out of the oncoming zombies. HK-34 has also stopped impersonating his cousin from KOTOR. But that's okay-he wasn't doing a good job while living under its shadow, so it's time to become his own man...or droid, I guess. Barry sees that the way out as the last zombies go down. He heads out, and HK-34 follows him. Because even if they don’t want to eat you, who the fuck really wants to hang out with zombies.
35. The Anatomy Lesson
With Ra’at dead, Maggs takes over as POV character. The surviving students and Hracken are now outside again. They start to talk about what happened to Ra’at. Hartwig checks Maggs and Kindra if they are all right. Kindra’s got a small cut on her neck. It’s not zombie-related, but Hartwig still remembers that Kindra wanted to kill him, and now that he has Ra’at lightsaber, he’s ready to press the issue. Kindra tells him he’s an idiot, because even if he’s armed, she’ll still kick his ass. Before the two can come to blows, Maggs intervenes. Again. He speculates that zombiitis might transmit over the air and into open cuts (which hasn't happened any time previously), and proposes that everyone strip down to make sure no one’s been cut. Which doesn’t really resolve anything, because we already know that Kindra has an open cut. But he manages to get the approval of Hracken, probably because the man is secretly a pervert.
“NO! Don’t do it! Getting naked in a horror story means certain death!!”
Too late. Everyone’s naked except for undies. And it looks like everyone is clean. And then Hracken is a zombie…
Wait, WHAT????
Seriously, this comes completely out of left field. There is absolutely no foreshadowing. Okay, Hracken bit his lip hard enough to draw blood earlier. Want to know why I didn't mention it? BECAUSE IT'S PRESENTED AS SUCH AN UNIMPORTANT DETAIL THAT THERE IS ZERO CHANCE THE READER WILL REMEMBER IT!! He didn’t start swelling up. He didn’t start acting like he was in trouble. Just, one second, he’s fine, the next he’s a zombie.
So z-Hracken targets Hartwig first. And Hartwig…drops his lightsaber in surprise. Z-Hracken grabs him and begins chowing down. He then targets Maggs, and now Joe forgets who Hracken was attacking:
Joe Schreiber posted:
Hartwig staggered backward, hands up, blinking at the Sith Master as he whipped around to face him. His nerves were gone. Hracken’s hands flew up, preparing to fire off a burst of Force lightning, when its head toppled sideways off its shoulders and rolled, still spurting, into the dark snowdrifts.
In case you missed it, Schreiber mixed up Maggs and Hartwig. This is the kind of simple mistake that never should have never been missed by the editors. For shame!
Kindra (still naked) tells Maggs to make sure Hartwig doesn’t get up. Maggs goes to work carving him up. Even though Hartwig is already starting to zombify, his heart is still beating, which all previous descriptions indicating that zombie hearts don’t beat. Again, there is no cauterization (or it’s only belatedly mentioned) and blood gets all over the place.
When Maggs is done, Kindra slashes his hamstrings and runs off (still naked). She's probably ticked that he cost her the chance of killing that douche Hartwig. Maggs is left to be eaten by another incoming zombie rush.
How this book should have ended a hundred pages ago
36. Drear
Against every notion of common sense and self preservation, plus Barry’s warning, Jill is now deep inside the library, which is pretty huge. She’s utterly lost, and the “orchid” that told her to come here has gone quiet. She gets to a large central hall, and in the distance she can smell Treebeard’s pyromania binge. But we won’t be getting to that until next chapter.
Jill gets the feeling that there’s someone else with her. Sure enough, Darth Scabrous pops out of the shadow. And boy, the last 5-6 hours haven’t been kind to Scabrous’ appearance. The flesh on his face is rotting, and he’s starting to develop a classic “zombie rape-face.” But so far, he’s only been listening to Disturbed ironically. Scabrous grabs Jill with the Force and brings her close. With a captive audience (no pun intended) Scabrous now engages in the classic villain tradition of monologuing.
French Count Dooku is best Dooku
Scabrous begins to tell the history of the library. It was built a thousand years ago by Darth…Drear.
“Drear?” “DREAR???” What kind of fucking name is “Drear?” Is it supposed to make me think of how dreary the weather is in Chicago in March? Are evil overlords now associated with grey skies and 40 degree F weather?? Are we really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to generating appropriate names for Dark Side villains?
So what did Darth…Drear…do that was so special? Well he built the library using students as manual labor. Which doesn’t sound like the smartest use of students. Beneath the library, Drear built a secret temple where he practiced various rituals and rites that he encoded on the Sith Holocron first seen in chapter 3. Well, Drear came up with the zombie formula as a way to achieve immortality. The formula, as we have seen, has the flaw of turning you into a zombie. But Drear wrote down a final step to get the benefits of immortality and zombie powers without the drawbacks of being a mindless zombie. You need to find a Jedi (and it has to be a Jedi, because using one of your readily available Sith students would be too easy), then cut his or her heart out with a Sith Sword (a KJA invention, of course) and then eat the heart while the victim was still alive.
Joe Schreiber posted:
“…only then, with that final infusion of midi-cholorians still warm from the Jedi’s blood, would the decay process be held back – granting the Sith Lord his ultimate immortality.”
In case you missed it, Joe misspelled midi-chlorians. And somehow I noticed 
.
.
So Drear achieved immortality, then, right? Well, no. You see, Darth Drear drank the zombie juice, but apparently didn’t have a Jedi readily available, so he sent his sentries out to find one. They failed to find one with enough “midi-cholorians” and so he died. The end.
Now, some of you might have picked up on something fishy. For those that haven’t, let me point it out with suitable amounts of literary nerd-rage. Drear makes the zombie juice, right? In order to make it, he needs a Murakami orchid. But in order to transport a Murakami orchid, it needs to be accompanied by a keeper that Schreiber has already noted also needs lots of midi-chlorians. Since no Sith would be caught dead taking care of flowers, we can safely assume that such a person would be a Jedi or at least a non-darksider. Drear brings the orchid to NotKorriban, and with it comes its keeper. He creates the potion and drinks it. Since he came up with the final ritual its safe to assume he knows what needs to be done next. And yet somehow, the orchid’s keeper, who would probably have been an excellent candidate to be Fatalitied, is for some reason no longer available, and so the plan fails.
No matter which way you slice it, this is a monumental fuckup by Darth Drear. I mean, space-Christ, he is demonstrating Bossk-caliber incompetence! And now Scabby is ready to follow this hack’s instructions on how to become immortal with no way of knowing that it will actually work?? Did it ever occur to you, Scabby, that Drear might have no idea what he’s talking about?? I know that the Force is supposed to be something that’s personal and metaphysical, but when you start bringing up shit like alchemy (thank you KJA) and midi-chlorians (and you, Jorge), would it not hurt to at least do some peer review or at let some one else complete the ritual first just to make sure it doesn’t, say, turn you into something out of a MST3K episode???
Okay, end of rant. When Scabrous is done monologuing, green vines wrap around Jill. She looks behind her and sees the zombies whose heads got exploded by the orchid before it passed out. They are now flower-zombies, and the vines and flowers that sprouted from their have grown uncontrolled. In her head, she can hear the flowers hissing at her. Despite their lack of heads, they can still zombie scream. Jill tries to manipulate them with the Force, but only gets hit with a wall of crazy that momentarily knocks her out. The flower-zombies drag Jill along behind Scabrous as he heads down into the depths of the library, so that Scabrous can FINISH HER!
37. Some Kind of Nature
We rejoin Horatio, who is getting close to the tower now. While Jill and Barry and the Sith students have been constantly harassed by zombies, Horatio hasn’t run into a single zombie since watching Shak’Weth get eaten. It doesn’t say he’s been actively avoiding zombies; he just hasn’t run into any. He can certainly hear them. He passes by the library and sees the fire inside. He also senses Jill, and so he heads over there. He enters the library, but gets grabbed by Treebeard. He reaches for his lightsaber, only to get it smacked aside by a branch. Sure, whatever. Horatio takes a look at Treebeard, and he’s pretty disgusting, with open sores and sap pooling beneath him.
Horatio says he’s looking for Jill, and Treebeard tells him she’s already dead. Horatio says he’s lying. Treebeard tells Horatio he ought to mind probe him if he’d like to check. Treebeard’s limbs wrap tighter around Horatio, and the Jedi finds himself being sucked into the thing’s thoughts somehow. Horatio embarks on a bad zombie head trip that ultimately is just padding. There is nothing that hasn’t been explained before. Horatio comes out of the head trip and realizes that he’s now surrounded by fire. Treebeard’s ready to get the self-immolation over with, having given in to the crazy. The library is now falling apart. Horatio is unable to free himself from Treebeard’s grip, but he hears Jill lose her shit in the Force. This motivates him to action. First, he repeats the bubble trick he did in chapter 8. He frees himself from Treebeard. Then he calls his lightsaber to him with difficulty-a trick, I would note, that every fully-trained Jedi can pull off without a hitch. He cuts the roots connecting Treebeard with the network extending throughout the rest of the library. Treebeard pitches forward and falls through an outer wall.
Horatio posted:
“It’s always a shame when someone 
abandons their roots.”
abandons their roots.”
Horatio is pinged by Jill again, and this time he feels that something very bad is happening to her. He starts to head back on the trail, when flower-zombies burst out of the ground under him and drag him under.
38. Cold Caller
So, whose perspective do we go to now: Jill and Scabby? Barry and HK-34? Maybe even Kindra (still naked)? The answer is: NONE OF THE ABOVE!! Our perspective shifts to the oh-so memorable character Pergus Frode.
Pergus is hiding in a smuggling compartment on board Dranok’s cruiser. Let’s see how he got their, shall we? This time, we're going to piece together when this all went down in relation to the rest of the story. Joe Schreiber has been treating the chronological order of events with contempt, but its here that he commits his most flagrant offense.
So “hours ago,” Pergus had just finished removing the flight computer from Dranok’s ship. At the time, he’s detecting an incoming heat signature from an unknown vessel. By process of elimination, the only person this ship can belong to is Horatio. Pergus is wondering if he should tell this development to Scabrous (whom, might I remind you, is Pergus’ boss and also a Sith Lord, who are notorious for their draconian Human Recourse policies) when a zombie gets all in his face. Pergus bolts and gets into Dranok’s ship and slams the hatch close behind him. Pergus is pretty confident he can pilot this ship, but what do you know, he’d just removed the flight computer. Wah-waaaaah!
Looking out the cockpit canopy, he sees zombies pile into the hanger. And along with the zombified Sith students is none other than zombie Treebeard!!
So, putting the facts together: right before Horatio lands, the hanger gets zombie rushed. Among the zombies is Treebeard. BUT: Treebeard is described as being anchored to a root system in the library, and it’s only after Horatio cuts him free of these roots that Treebeard is free to run around and join in the zombie games.
I have been willing to give Joe Schreiber the benefit of the doubt about when things are supposed to happen, if only because there’s so much other shit to cover. But there’s no avoiding it here: Joe has set up a series of events that cannot possibly occur given the basic laws on causality.
So after Treebeard starts banging on the canopy, Pergus runs to the back of the ship and hides, waiting for the temporal anomaly to pass. Eventually, he hears a voice on the comlink. It’s Kindra. Pergus senses there’s something off with how she sounds-like she’s trying too hard to sound calm. Kindra asks Pergus to open the hatch so they can get away. She tells him she’ll help him deal with the lack of a flight computer.
Pergus notes that he has a complete inability to say no to women. He gets up and goes to let her in, even though he just knows there’s something fishy about this whole set up. When he opens the hatchway, he sees that the hanger is completely dark. He can hear the zombies rasping out there. And that’s when the entire hanger lights up with lightsabers! Yup, zombies with lightsabers. Why the fuck zombies need lightsabers when they have already been described as close-combat killing machines, I have no idea. It gets better: at the center of the zombie scrum is Kindra, who is surrounded by lightsabers and zombies ready to nom her.
So, Kindra got overwhelmed by zombies, but instead of eating her, they capture her without getting her infected on accident, then dragged her all the way to the hanger, and somehow communicated to her that they’ll let her go if she coaxes Pergus into opening the hatchway. All of this to gain control of a ship that’s not going to get anywhere because it’s missing its flight computer. And here’s the rub: rather than storm the hatch the second Pergus opened it up, they all light up lightsabers they don’t actually need to reveal there are still a fuck load of zombies in the hanger, let Kindra scream to be let go before butchering her, and only then charge the hatch. And by the time they get to that part, Pergus has already processed what was going on and slammed the hatchway close.
And so another character that we care about are familiar with is pointlessly killed. Meanwhile, a character that we know almost nothing about decides he’s going to fly the ship out, and to hell with proper instrumentation!
No longer care if I'm using the right setting
39. Down in It
For some reason, Jill had passed out and missed the transition from “Dragged into lower level of Library” to “Strapped to Sacrificial Altar.” My only guess is there was a lost chapter where the flower zombies do something pervy to Jill, and the editor forced Joe Schreiber to remove it at gunpoint. Whatever. Jill looks around the room and sees that it’s the usual Evil Temple set up. There’s torches, braziers, and black stone walls with archaic writing carved into it. She sees Scabrous, and his face has decayed even further and now she can see bone on his skull and the muscles in his throat move when he speaks. And he’s got a Sith Sword.
Joe Schreiber posted:
“This blade,” Scabrous said, “belonged to Darth Drear. It was forged exclusively for him, to ensure his immortality. So today, in accordance with his legacy, I will use it to slice out your living heart, and devour it while you watch.”
Scabrous, why the hell do you think so highly of a guy that by your own admission was a fuckup? And while I feel dirty for parsing words in a book like this, if the Sith Sword was forged “exclusively” for Drear, then doesn’t that imply that if you wanted to do the ritual yourself, you have to make your own custom Sith Sword? You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want, Scarbrous. It's not like it's going to matter anyway.
So Scabrous raises the sword, and all Jill can think is “I’m boned.” Shao Khan shouts out “FINISH HER!” Scabrous plunges the blade down, and…
CHAPTER CUT!
40. Wet Work
We return to Barry and his new friend HK-34. The two are mowing their way through zombies. However, they got a new problem: from a nearby structure, the ground begins to tremble, and Barry spots a big moving from behind the half-closed hatchway. And the smell is hideously familiar. Bursting through the door come zombie tauntauns! HK-34 opens up with the flamethrower, setting the first one on fire, before finishing it off with blaster fire. But as always, more are on the way. Barry asks if HK-34 has anything heavier, and he responds that he mortar rounds. I like where this is going.
The rest of the tauntaun herd charges out, and there is something wrong with the frontrunner. Well, besides from being undead that is-there’s a heavy shape writhing inside its belly. Barry slams his spear into it, and a Sith student pops out of the belly.
Found while searching GIS. Something that had to be shared 
Barry dispatches the Sith student, and is pushed to the ground by HK-34 just as a tauntaun spits at him. A goblet of mucus hits Barry in the side of the head and sticks there. Things are starting to get hairy, so HK-34 launches a mortar round at the oncoming herd, reducing it to chunky salsa.
HK-34 makes a comment that he hates the Sith for enslaving him here, and this is the only characterization he gets beyond blowing shit up. He and Barry begin to head out, but neither of them notice that Barry still has a glob of infected tauntaun spit stuck to his head. And it’s slowly trickling toward his eye. 
Barry and HK-34 make it to the Mirocaw (Finally!), and see that Dranok’s ship has crashed nearby. What are the odds of that, huh? Barry spots tracks leading from Dranok’s ship to his. He heads on board, intent on murdering whoever the tracks belong to.
41. World’s End
Darth Scabrous, it seems, did not practice proper human sacrifice techniques. He also didn’t think to remove the heavy furs Jill has been wearing since she arrived on NotKorriban. So where a professional evil cultist who knows what he’s doing could probably have extracted her heart in one downstab, Scabrous barely manages to break her skin. 
As Scabrous raises the sword for a second go at it, Jill starts yanking at her bindings. And then she gets a protip from her brother: use the goddamn Force, dumbass! Jill does so, and becomes the MASTER OF UNLOCKING, busting free of her restraints. Scabrous is peeved and starts chasing her around the temple, which turns out to not have a lot of room to run around in. Just as Scabrous corners her…
As Scabrous raises the sword for a second go at it, Jill starts yanking at her bindings. And then she gets a protip from her brother: use the goddamn Force, dumbass! Jill does so, and becomes the MASTER OF UNLOCKING, busting free of her restraints. Scabrous is peeved and starts chasing her around the temple, which turns out to not have a lot of room to run around in. Just as Scabrous corners her…
Horatio busts in, knocking over a brazier. And either the brazier contains napalm, or the floor of the temple is made of brittle, easily flammable wood. Whichever is the case, almost the entire temple floor is on fire by the end of the chapter. Whatever, Horatio’s here, and has somehow given the slip to the flower-zombies that grabbed him when we last saw him. In fact, there’s no sign of the flower-zombies that dragged Jill down here. It’s just Scabrous and Horatio (okay, Jill’s here too, but she hardly counts.)
The two begin their fight, with Scabrous fighting with both the Sith Sword and a lightsaber. It’s pretty obvious Horatio is outmatched. On top of going up against a Sith Lord when in his previous fights, he 1) struggled against a Blademaster that got ambushed by a zombie, and 2) got manhandled by a zombie-tree-person, Horatio is also disadvantaged by the fact that Scabrous has zombie powers. Still, Horatio manages to drive Scabrous all the way up to the altar. In the end, though, Scabrous was just fucking with him. Just as it appears he might have an opening, Scabrous turns off Horatio’s lightsaber. Horatio tosses aside his lightsaber and start trying to figure what to do next. And then this strange thought went through his head:
Joe Schreiber posted:
Everything had gone wrong. The Sith Lord had laid a trap, and he’d walked right into it.
Huh? What are you talking about, Horatio? How did Scabrous lay a trap? He outmatched you, sure, but that hardly counts as laying a trap. Do you mean he set a trap by bringing you into this temple? That would imply that his goal was to bring you here, when it has been pointed out time and again that Scabrous’ only goal was to sacrifice Jill.
Scabrous starts taunting Horatio, telling him that Disturbed’s cover of Land of Confusion is superior to the original by Genesis. Horatio comes up with a new plan to drop the altar on Scabrous. It doesn’t get far, because Scabrous catches him with the Sith Sword and cuts him open from neck to belly. Horatio staggers around for a bit, bleeds all over the place, and collapses.
Horatio posted:
*Tries to say a witty one-liner, but only gurgles up blood.*
Unfortunately for Scabrous, he’s wasted too much time. And now he’s Down with the Sickness. That’s small comfort for Jill, but luckily for her an old friend stirs back to life:
And this time it really is the orchid, and not Treebeard fucking with her. The orchid report that it’s still weak from whatever ordeal it had been going through. Jill doesn’t give a shit, and tells it to get back to work. 
Z-Scabrous stops and convulses as vines begin to grow out of his orifices (I won’t humor the notion that there’s growth anywhere below the belt 
) until his head asplodes with flowers. This just turns z-Scabby from a regular zombie to a flower-zombie. As the vines reach towards her, the orchid confesses that it’s pretty much a one-trick pony and can’t actually control flower-zombies. But Jill is done being a flower girl. She picks up the Sith Sword and engages in extreme pruning! She cuts apart the tendrils and drives z-Scabrous to the wall and pins him there with the sword through his chest. Jill turns to walk away, only for Scabrous to channel Jason Vorheese and lurch forward and attempt to free itself from the wall. At this Jill snaps. She picks up Horatio’s lightsaber (which now works, begging the question of why Horatio had tossed it aside) and flies into a berserker rage. Screaming like a banshee, she chops up Scabrous until there are no more pieces big enough to cut up.
) until his head asplodes with flowers. This just turns z-Scabby from a regular zombie to a flower-zombie. As the vines reach towards her, the orchid confesses that it’s pretty much a one-trick pony and can’t actually control flower-zombies. But Jill is done being a flower girl. She picks up the Sith Sword and engages in extreme pruning! She cuts apart the tendrils and drives z-Scabrous to the wall and pins him there with the sword through his chest. Jill turns to walk away, only for Scabrous to channel Jason Vorheese and lurch forward and attempt to free itself from the wall. At this Jill snaps. She picks up Horatio’s lightsaber (which now works, begging the question of why Horatio had tossed it aside) and flies into a berserker rage. Screaming like a banshee, she chops up Scabrous until there are no more pieces big enough to cut up.
The orchid apologies for not being as effective slave labor as Jill wanted. Jill goes over to her brother’s body and gives it a good bye hug. The normal exit to the temple, if there really ever was one, is cut off by the advancing fire. So Jill goes to the wall and uses the carved letters to wall climb her way out, since the temple is open-roof I guess. Jill hasn’t dropped all of her bad habits, however: she forgets to take Horatio’s lightsaber with her.
Oh, and Jill flying into a killing frenzy at the end there? Totally not using the Dark Side either. 
The Space Pope decrees that going berserk is okay if you do it two weeks before Space Lent
42. Crawlers
20 meters from the top, Jill sees that there are zombies waiting for her. Unfortunately, she can’t turn around; even if she could survive the drop back down, the entire temple floor is covered in flames now. The zombies start climbing down towards her. The orchid says it’ll try to grow, but it won’t do much good once they become flower-zombies. And Jill’s rage meter is depleted. As the first zombie gets close, Jill loses her grip and begins to fall. But then one of the zombies grabs her by the throat. How…thoughtful of it. The zombie hoists Jill up to a waiting vertical zombie mosh pit. And the zombies have changed their tactic from “chow down” to “yank apart.” It’s like the zombies don’t want Jill to get infected or quickly kill her. 
And then a blaster bolt shoots down from opening and blows a hole in the wall. Somehow, Jill isn’t blown away from the hole, but the zombies that were moshing with her are. Because, you know, fuck physics! Jill climbs her way into the conveniently created landing. As zombies rain down into the fire below, she spots something long and slender dangling in front of her. At first she thinks it’s a vine from a flower-zombie, but it’s in fact a tow cable.
43. Under the Gun
Jill grabs the cable, secures it around her chest, and swings into the opening. She is hoisted up onto the Mirocaw and she’s greeted by Barry and HK-34. Half of Barry’s face is hidden in shadow, which I’m certain is an inconsequential detail. HK-34 takes a blood sample from her and reports that she’s free of zombiitis. Barry grunts and lumbers towards the back of the ship. Jill thanks Barry, and he says it wasn’t his idea. Jill asks HK-34 who’s flying the ship, and he says it’s Pergus Frode, who Barry decided not to brutally murder. HK-34 then reports that there’s something onboard that’s contaminated. Before he can elaborate, a blast rocks the Mirocaw. They are under attack.
44. Raw Feed
Jill and HK-34 head to the front of the ship. Pergus reports that they are under attack by Scabrous’ phallic perimeter cannons. Cannons that did nothing to prevent Horatio from landing his ship, you may recall. Consistency, it would seem, is something Joe feels is overrated. Oh, and I forgot to mention this from chapter 11, but the Mirocaw has a stealth system. But Pergus might not know about that feature, so I’ll let it slide.
The cannons are laying down restraining fire that’s preventing the Mirocaw from escaping. Jill rightfully wonders where the hell Barry is with his ship under attack. She asks HK-34 if he can deactivate the cannons. HK-34 says he can’t do so by remote. The only way to shut them down would be from Scabby’s tower. Still under fire, Pergus brings the ship down on top of the tower, and HK-34 hops off. But as the droid departs, Jill sees zombies start to climb to the top of the tower and make their way to the ship. But another barrage hits the Mirocawand sends it through the crowd of zombies and off the tower. Pergus regains control of the ship before it takes a terminal trip to Jagged Rock Junction. As Pergus brings the ship back up, Jill sees a mass of zombies gathered at the top of the tower, all moshing and screaming and rocking out to Ten Thousand Fists.
The cannons then change their target to the tower. Jill feels a momentary pang of concern for an assassin droid before the cannons open fire and blow up the tower. The entire academy of NotKorriban is obliterated, not unlike the setting for almost every single Resident Evil game. Pergus floors it and escapes the explosion.
As they head out into space, Jill introduces herself to the pilot that was barely in this book. Having fulfilled her social obligations, Jill heads to the back of the ship to check on Barry.
45. Mazlot
And now we get to the chapter that caused me the most pain.
Jill enters Barry’s trophy room and notices that he’d given it a spring cleaning. She passes a series of rusty meat hooks hanging from tracked pulleys and sees someone huddled in a corner at the back end of the ship. It’s Barry. He chained himself pretty thoroughly to the back of the ship. And the right side of his face is infected. He explains how it happened, and then chuckles to himself. He gives Jill his spear, which somehow broke. He tells her it might bring her luck. 
Jill starts saying that they might be able to find a cure for him, but Barry’s having none of it. He points out a switch at the other end of the trophy room. The switch is labeled “Malzot,” which means “air lock” in Whiphid speak. Pressing it will cause the whole back panel of the ship to drop away. The switch, of course, has no safety switch, but that’s pretty typical of Star Wars. Jill hesitates, but Barry hurls the spear towards her and tells her to press it before he gets hungry for a Jill Sandwich. Yeah, I waited the entire review to make that joke, and you goons better appreciate my restraint! 
Jill picks up the spear and heads to the air lock switch. She’s still doing the mental gymnastics to justify committing euthanasia when ZOMBIE OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! Yep, a zombie slipped on board the ship, and waited the entire time for Jill to get back here. 
The zombie is one she has never seen before. Umm…I wouldn’t really find it noteworthy to meet a new zombie when the academy had hundreds of them roaming around. This one does have one notable feature: long red hair. To an astute reader, this should be enough to identify which zombie this might be.
The zombie is one she has never seen before. Umm…I wouldn’t really find it noteworthy to meet a new zombie when the academy had hundreds of them roaming around. This one does have one notable feature: long red hair. To an astute reader, this should be enough to identify which zombie this might be.
Jill takes the spear that Barry gave to her so she might remember him and rams it into the zombies face. This staggers it, but it charges her again, and now she hears Barry screaming behind her. So now that he's a zombie, the moral quandary of assisted suicide is now moot. Jill gets a protip from the orchid to use the Force, so Jill readies her Jedi-Fu. And then...well I’ll let our master bard weave his story threads together.
Joe "I Can't Write" Schreiber posted:
The Sith-thing – she somehow knew that its name had once been Lussk, and that it had been promised this ultimate role by the Sickness that had overtaken him – rammed into her.
This line made me feel something that I am deeply ashamed of: It made me Internet Angry. For the sake of a complete record, I have left my raw reaction in it’s entirety. I am not proud of any of it.
Read that motherfucking sentence, goons. READ IT AND DISPAIR!!!!! 
I have never read such a fucking lazy tie-in to a plot thread that the author knew he had done a shitty job setting up. This info is dumped onto Jill by pure, malignant, author fiat. Joe doesn’t even use the usually-acceptable excuse that “The Force told her.” No, no, this hack had to reach deep into his ass and up his large intestine to pull this diseased turd of a plot point that he managed to drive into a septic ditch and reattach it to the main plot thread with nothing but a rusty barbed wire that's covered with AIDS. And you know what else? This piece of info is dropped into Jill’s lap and she does FUCK ALL with it! Knowing what she now knows does nothing to help her take on this random zombie. Because that what it is: a random zombie. There is absolutely nothing special about it. A potentially interesting character has been utterly wasted and now is reduced to a pointless zombie attack!
Needless to say, I was pretty sick of these Star Wars at this juncture. And thankfully, so is Jill. She grabs the oh-so special z-Lussk, hoists it overhead, and jams it’s head into an overhanging meat hook! 
She then gets around it and shoves it down the track towards Barry. Jill wraps a meat hook chain around one arm and uses the other to hit the button. Barry, Lussk, and all of Barry’s trophies, skin rugs, and delicious pot roasts go flying out the back. Jill drags herself through the doorway and seals it.
She then gets around it and shoves it down the track towards Barry. Jill wraps a meat hook chain around one arm and uses the other to hit the button. Barry, Lussk, and all of Barry’s trophies, skin rugs, and delicious pot roasts go flying out the back. Jill drags herself through the doorway and seals it.
Goodbye, Barry. May a future author find a way to bring you into a decent story like some zombie Life Day gift.
And Lussk? 
46. All Down the Line
Jill returns to her old joint at Marfa. She’s greeted by Wall Bennis. Wall has something to show her:
Joe Schreiber posted:
She stopped and looked at the Murakami orchid rising up in front of her, its petals wide, practically quivering with expectation and excitement, and she smiled.
Oh, god, no! 
But thankfully, Jill has other plans. She’s done being a flower girl. She’s headed back to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant to learn the Jedi art of “Not Being Useless.” There’s brief talk about if there might be more zombies in the future, but that conversation thread drifts nowhere. She then mentions that she now has Pergus Frode as a traveling partner. Given the lone characterization given about Pergus and how Jill treated her other friend in this book, I can only image what the actual nature of their relationship is. 
Jill takes a brief second to consider the life she’s leaving behind, before deciding “fuck that bullshit.” And with that she leaves, first to Coruscant, and then on to the galaxy at large to bring the good fight to the Umbrella Corporation Sith.
The End.
Can you feel that?
Ah shit…
Final Thoughts
I've been following this thread since it began, and I have learned...things...that part of me regrets knowing about. Hell, I reported a few of those things here myself. But having read Red Harvest, I feel it deserves a spot on the short-list of "Worst Star Wars books ever." The chief offense isn't what other books here are noted for. There's no author self-insert that permanently latches onto the main story line or becomes Luke Skywalker's One True Love. There isn't an interpretation of an existing character that permanently saddles them with utterly stupid shit. The villains aren't so completely worthless that they can't conquer their way out of a paper bag. There isn't a crazy interpretation of the setting's ethos that contradicts everything that came before it. There are no superweapons introduced, or a never-before heard of Force power. Instead, Red Harvest's problem goes much deeper, and much more fundamental. The basic quality of the writing is so poor that it becomes painful to read. Facts are established and then disregarded. Characters are introduced with abandon only for them to disappear entirely and then reappear twenty chapters later and then are killed off. Plot holes are so numerous and exist at every level of the story that it becomes fractal. Simple shit like chronology of events are disregarded. And plot points get clumsily tied together.
There is also another problem-Joe Schreiber obviously doesn't like making zombie stories in the vein of "Evil Dead 2" where the protagonist are permitted to mow through crowds of zombies at will. But its clear that for this book Del Ray asked Schreiber to write another zombie story but this time include the Jedi and the Sith. And for better or for worse there's a minimum level of competency that's been established for these guys. That's why the story is only about Sith students and a flower girl-folks you can still argue can get killed by zombies. That's why characters like Horatio and Hracken are either kept away from the zombies or killed off in the most arbitrary manner possible.
I could go on, but I'm getting tired. So let me end with a reminder to pray to our Dark Master Jorge The Walt Disney Corporation that they never, never allow Joe Schreiber anywhere near the main continuity.
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