Fans of Linkara's Atop The 4th Wall may recognize the name Tom Veitch. He's the asshat responsible for this:
If you aren't aware of it, Superman At Earth's End pits an old bearded, giant-gun wielding Superman against twin clones of Hitler...and fucking suuuuuuuuuuucks. Do not read it, you will become dumber for the effort.
ANYWAY, let's look again at the cover for Dark Empire.
Looking at that cover, you're probably thinking "Hey, Ensign Ricky, you must be full of shit! This looks amazing already!"
If you aren't aware of it, Superman At Earth's End pits an old bearded, giant-gun wielding Superman against twin clones of Hitler...and fucking suuuuuuuuuuucks. Do not read it, you will become dumber for the effort.
ANYWAY, let's look again at the cover for Dark Empire.
Yyyyyeah, prepare to be disappointed. Right away, the comic tries to hit us with a wall of text that's supposed to be reminiscent of the opening text crawl of the movies, but without movement or John Williams blasting, it doesn't really work.
Following the deaths of Darth Vader and the Emperor and the destruction of the second Death Star, the Rebel Alliance proclaimed a New Republic over three-fourths of the Galaxy.But without the thousands of Jedi Knights who formed the backbone of the Old Republic, the new confederation was a precarious one. Long years of struggle ensued, during which Imperial factions consolidated control over a fourth of the Galaxy. Whole systems became fortresses, bristling with firepower.Then, five years after the Battle of Endor, the infamous Grand Admiral Thrawn mounted a deft assault, nearly bringing the fledgling Republic to its knees. Ultimately, Thrawn was defeated. But within days of Thrawn's downfall, surviving members of the Emperor's Ruling Circle, in concert with six former Starfleet commanders, staged a stunning assault on Coruscant, and the vital Imperial system once again fell under Imperial Control.It looked certain that a new Empire was about to emerge from the ashes of the old. That very possibility triggered a ferocious war among the numerous Imperial factions. Who would sit in the Emperor's Throne? Who had the right -and the might?Meanwhile the Rebels were quick to seize the opportunity to sow confusion among the feuding Imperials, using captured Star Destoyers to conduct hit-and-run sorties into the war zones.One such raid, over the raging Imperial City battleground, ended in disaster: the Alliance Star Destroyer Liberator, commanded by Luke Skywalker and Lando Calrissian, crash landed on the planet's surface.As our story opens, Princess Leia Organa and her husband Han Solo, together with the Wookiee Chewbacca and the protocol droid C-3PO, are on a daring mision to rescue their fallen comrades.....
So, first off, we're quickly reminded about two of our primary heroes,
Bruce Campbell! I mean Han Solo!
Seriously, what the fuck is going on with Han's chin there?
And who could forget Han's lovely wife,
Bruce Camp-motherfuck, I mean Princess Leia!
Seriously, does this artist have a thing for giant chins? Did the Empire launch a bioweapon that tripled everyone's chin size??
Also, if you hate watercolors, better leave now, because that's all the artist chooses to paint with.
Anywho, on with the story. Han, Leia, et al, narrowly avoid colliding with some battle debris orbiting Coruscant, and Han flips off a Sullustan captain on the way down to the surface. As they land, Han conveniently reminds us that the Emperor is dead and gone. The narrator informs us that different factions of the Empire are warring over the remnants of the Imperial City, and Han wishes that they'll just wipe each other out.
Surprisingly quickly, they spot Lando's survivors. Great piloting Lando. What the hell was this little maneuver you pulled at Tanaab, crashing into something else? Han then brags that he and Leia are the greatest shooting team in the galaxy, Leia replies that she actually doesn't have that much experience. But the narrator at this point feels it prudent to remind us that Leia is Luke's sister, and a Jedi in training.
Lando and his crew cheer on the Falcon as it saves their sorry asses, and Lando informs Leia that Luke took off somewhere muttering about the Dark Side.
Suddenly a group of scavengers, or "Scavs" appear and decide to scrap the Falcon for some reason. Who knows. Lando screams a warning that the "Scavs" are releasing something called "Neks":
Yeah, it's Luke, he rips some more shit up, and knocks an AT-AT over using the Force. Ok, kinda cool I admit. Afterwards he warns everyone to get the hell out of Dodge because the Dark Side is literally thrumming right now on Coruscant, and he knows some bad, bad shit is about to happen. How bad? So bad that Luke has to put on his Angry Face:
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| LUKE SMASH! |
So we start the next segment with the zombified corpse of Mon Mothma:
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| Seriously, they made Ackbar fucking adorable looking. :3 |
Turns out the Empire has picked Ackbar's home planet to be ground zero for a fleet of these Devastators, and Ackbar wants to evacuate his fellow fish monsters to another water planet. Then Ackbar does the unthinkable:
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| HIT THE DECK! |
Han goes off with his massively chinned wife, who insists that they need to save Luke from "something". How serious is she? Serious enough to use her crazy eyes:
Han, horrified, agrees that they need to see what they can do. Meanwhile, the space storm apparently was powerful enough to suck Luke into the hold of a "dungeon ship". Luke realizes that his and Artoo's situation is so dire, he also needs to use his crazy eyes.
And who's waiting for Luke? You guessed it,
Nah, I'm just messing with you. But wouldn't that be awesome? It's actually the Emperor.
Bet you didn't see that coming.
Like at all.
Palpy tells Luke that he's been surviving for years by transmitting his consciousness into clone bodies. The problem is that the Dark Side burns out the clones more and more rapidly. P-Dawg then offers Luke another chance to take Vader's place at his side. Artoo slips Luke his lightsaber, and Palps laughs at him, because dude is high as fuck.
The Emperor tells Luke that if he kills him, he might be able to possess Luke's body. Instead, he tells Luke that the only chance he might have is to defeat the Dark Side from within. Luke, confused by the pot fumes in the Emperor's throne room, reluctantly agrees to become Palpy's apprentice.
Back at the Rebel Base, Leia tells Han something terrible has happened to Luke involving the Dark Side, and insists they go looking for him. Han has a bad feeling about it, but tells Chewie that they apparently have a date with the Dark Side...which sucks, because the Dark Side never picks up the bill.
So the story continues with Lando and Wedge arriving at Calamari, intercepting a transmission to the Deep Galactic Core showing the World Devastators ripping shit up. Wedge is in awe, and Lando, displaying all the tactical genius you'd expect of a man with a cupholder full of sweet sweet malt liquor on his command chair, actually orders his ship to collide with whoever is sending the signal. I bet you think I'm making that up based on my previous comments about Lando's driving, don't you?
Guess again, binky.
Why is Lando in command again?
Anyway, Lando's fleet surprisingly does pretty well when the exit hyperspace, easily ripping through the blockade, and Lando is disappointed because he didn't end up wrecking another ship. They launch their fighters and troop transports, a fact which amuses Commander Titus Klev of the Devastator Silencer-7. Really? Is that seriously the best name you could come up with for a weapon that eats the surface of planets? Jesus. So it turns out the Devastators have been making some new kind of fully robotic TIE fighters, which they unleash against Lando's fighters.
Klev orders the Silencer-7 (groan) back into orbit, and uses it to begin consuming Lando's Star Destroyer. Needless to say, Lando is simply thrilled at the fact that another ship under his command is lost.
Back at the Rebel base, Leia is tripping balls for some reason and sees a vision of Darth Vader. She exclaims "Father is that you?" The response is a tepid "No...your father is free...with all the Jedi who went before..."
DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUN!!!!-Oh, wait. This isn't a twist. We already knew that Luke was being incredibly stupid.
Bet you didn't see that coming.
Like at all.
Palpy tells Luke that he's been surviving for years by transmitting his consciousness into clone bodies. The problem is that the Dark Side burns out the clones more and more rapidly. P-Dawg then offers Luke another chance to take Vader's place at his side. Artoo slips Luke his lightsaber, and Palps laughs at him, because dude is high as fuck.
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 Rule the Empire every day! |
Back at the Rebel Base, Leia tells Han something terrible has happened to Luke involving the Dark Side, and insists they go looking for him. Han has a bad feeling about it, but tells Chewie that they apparently have a date with the Dark Side...which sucks, because the Dark Side never picks up the bill.
So the story continues with Lando and Wedge arriving at Calamari, intercepting a transmission to the Deep Galactic Core showing the World Devastators ripping shit up. Wedge is in awe, and Lando, displaying all the tactical genius you'd expect of a man with a cupholder full of sweet sweet malt liquor on his command chair, actually orders his ship to collide with whoever is sending the signal. I bet you think I'm making that up based on my previous comments about Lando's driving, don't you?
Guess again, binky.
Anyway, Lando's fleet surprisingly does pretty well when the exit hyperspace, easily ripping through the blockade, and Lando is disappointed because he didn't end up wrecking another ship. They launch their fighters and troop transports, a fact which amuses Commander Titus Klev of the Devastator Silencer-7. Really? Is that seriously the best name you could come up with for a weapon that eats the surface of planets? Jesus. So it turns out the Devastators have been making some new kind of fully robotic TIE fighters, which they unleash against Lando's fighters.
Klev orders the Silencer-7 (groan) back into orbit, and uses it to begin consuming Lando's Star Destroyer. Needless to say, Lando is simply thrilled at the fact that another ship under his command is lost.
Back at the Rebel base, Leia is tripping balls for some reason and sees a vision of Darth Vader. She exclaims "Father is that you?" The response is a tepid "No...your father is free...with all the Jedi who went before..."
Luke tells her that he had to follow in Vader's footsteps because of Destiny. Ok, now, call me fucking crazy, but if I was going to reassure my sister that everything was cool, I would NOT appear to her as the guy who tortured her repeatedly and blew up her home. Just a thought. But I guess this visit is a party line, because Palpy cuts in to tell her that Luke fucked up, big time, which causes Leia to pass out.
Han, in the meantime, is busy teaching the rookies how to fly a fighter he's never even been in the cockpit of. Sounds like he's been into Lando's stash. Mon Mothma comes in then to tell Han that Leia's collapsed, and they visit her in the sickbay/hospital/whatever, where she fills him in on her vision. Mon Mothma gives Han her crazy eyes for a change:
And tells Han that as the last of the Jedi, losing Luke to the Dark Side would probably cause the entire Alliance to give up. Han, instead of being the least bit caring about his buddy, lets his new chin do the talking:
Which, when you think about it, is a pretty good point. Leia convinces Han (again) that Luke needs saving, and tells him that she thinks he's deep in Imperial space. Han decides to use some old contacts to get there, and away they go, off to Nar Shaddaa where Han used to hang his hat. Problem is, if you're not aware, Nar Shaddaa orbits Nal Hutta, Jabba's homeworld...and that price Zorba put on their heads back in the Jedi Prince books is still active, and the Hutts have since quadrupled the price. Han gets landing clearance from one of his old friends by the name of Mako Spince, just as a group of Hutt patrol ships spot the Falcon. Han calls another friend, Shug Ninx (who recently made a small appearance in the Millennium Falcon book), and gets clearance to use his hidden dock.
Upon landing, we see that Leia's apparently been hitting that fattening smuggler's cuisine:
We also meet Salla Zend, who was Han's previous lady, and is the one who can take them into Imperial space. But her ship needs fixing, and it just happens that Han has the parts in his old apartment. Amazing that he was able to keep up on the rent after all this time.
On the way to Han's digs, Leia is grabbed by some hideous old crone who immediately identifies Leia as a Jedi, and begs forgiveness for her "crimes", which apparently only includes the fact that instead of working against Vader and Palpatine's purge of the Jedi, she dove into hiding. The crone, who calls herself Vima:
Who should not be confused with Vima Sunrider from the Tales of the Jedi comics:
Although Wookiepedia tells me that the two are very distantly related. Vima gives Leia..a pencil case?...and Han and Leia decide to keep moving. They then arrive at Han's place, where Han greets his other housekeeping droid ZeeZee, and is greeted in response with
So Fett greets Solo, but Bruce Camp-
FUCK!
Han makes the obvious exclamation regarding Boba Fett's drop into the Sarlaac, and Fett responds with some dry humor about being "indigestible". Heh. Dengar is with him, and tells Han that his old buddy Mako Spince sold him out. Mako makes a lame defense of "the price was too good". Fett and Dengar tell them that their bounty is dead or alive, but dead is worth more because the Hutts want to watch Leia suffer for strangling Jabba.
So a firefight breaks out, and Han's old housekeeper, ZeeZee gets blown to smithereens in the crossfire. Big whoop. Fett, Dengar, and Mako chase them across the Corellian sector of Nar Shaadaa, and manage to draw the attention of every bounty hunter in the area, who immediately recognize them and open fire. But Fett's aim sucks, and he manages to shoot a Hutt off his floating sled thingy. I'm starting to see how Stormtroopers and the Fetts are related.
Han and Leia commandeer the sled-thingy and take off. Fett and Dengar run for Fett's new ship, Slave II, which is nowhere near as cool as Slave I.
Han and Leia suddenly spot Salla's ship...hang on, I thought the fucking thing couldn't fly until Han got the spare parts??
Well, anyway, they jump aboard the other ship with Fett & Dengar in hot pursuit. Leia takes a moment to open Vima's pencil box to reveal an old Lightsaber. Which is apparently coated in angel dust, because she suddenly starts tripping balls again and has a vision of Luke throwing handfuls of Imperial warships.
Then we cut back to Calamari. If you recall, Lando had just driven his ship into the mouth of a World Devastator. He's now in an escape pod complaining that Star Destroyers are too hard to steer or something. However the Rebels have sent reinforcements and his pod is quickly picked up. Commander Klev of the Silencer-7 mocks the new E-Wings, at least until he is told that the "Master Control Computer" on Byss is sending a shutdown signal, which can't be overridden. Whoops. Back on the Rebel ship, Lando has been recast with Tom Selleck, because Billy Dee Williams won't let go of the Colt 45,
and remarks that whoever is controlling the Devastators is a bigger tool than he is.
Han, Leia and company have now arrived at Byss, with Fett & Dengar in hot pursuit. But Fett takes a page out of Lando's book and crashes his ship against the planetary shields. They take the Falcon away from Salla's ship and quickly spot the Citadel where Luke and P-Diddy are waiting. A patrol ship spots them, but Leia uses the Force to distract him with images of Hot Rebel Quarterly or some such. Palpy's monkeys allow the Falcon to land, at least until the ship opens up and wipes out all the Stormtroopers on the dock. Leia, Han, and Threepio jump out, and Salla blasts out a wall and flies off.
Leia begins tripping balls again, and has yet another vision of Luke, who tells her that his master wants to talk to her, then gives her his crazy eyes as he informs her that the Emperor is still alive.
And judging by the fact that his pupils are just pinpricks, I'd say that P-Dawg has broken out the really good stuff.
They eventually arrive at the clone laboratories, and Han comments that Luke's a power converter short of Tosche station, while Leia's shoulders merge with her neck.
Now, I've heard some people defend what they call the "highly stylized artwork" present in Dark Empire and its sequels. To them, I say: LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! LOOK AT IT!! This is not stylized, this is a violation of basic human anatomy!!!
Han, in the meantime, is busy teaching the rookies how to fly a fighter he's never even been in the cockpit of. Sounds like he's been into Lando's stash. Mon Mothma comes in then to tell Han that Leia's collapsed, and they visit her in the sickbay/hospital/whatever, where she fills him in on her vision. Mon Mothma gives Han her crazy eyes for a change:
Upon landing, we see that Leia's apparently been hitting that fattening smuggler's cuisine:
On the way to Han's digs, Leia is grabbed by some hideous old crone who immediately identifies Leia as a Jedi, and begs forgiveness for her "crimes", which apparently only includes the fact that instead of working against Vader and Palpatine's purge of the Jedi, she dove into hiding. The crone, who calls herself Vima:
Han makes the obvious exclamation regarding Boba Fett's drop into the Sarlaac, and Fett responds with some dry humor about being "indigestible". Heh. Dengar is with him, and tells Han that his old buddy Mako Spince sold him out. Mako makes a lame defense of "the price was too good". Fett and Dengar tell them that their bounty is dead or alive, but dead is worth more because the Hutts want to watch Leia suffer for strangling Jabba.
So a firefight breaks out, and Han's old housekeeper, ZeeZee gets blown to smithereens in the crossfire. Big whoop. Fett, Dengar, and Mako chase them across the Corellian sector of Nar Shaadaa, and manage to draw the attention of every bounty hunter in the area, who immediately recognize them and open fire. But Fett's aim sucks, and he manages to shoot a Hutt off his floating sled thingy. I'm starting to see how Stormtroopers and the Fetts are related.
Han and Leia commandeer the sled-thingy and take off. Fett and Dengar run for Fett's new ship, Slave II, which is nowhere near as cool as Slave I.
Han and Leia suddenly spot Salla's ship...hang on, I thought the fucking thing couldn't fly until Han got the spare parts??
Well, anyway, they jump aboard the other ship with Fett & Dengar in hot pursuit. Leia takes a moment to open Vima's pencil box to reveal an old Lightsaber. Which is apparently coated in angel dust, because she suddenly starts tripping balls again and has a vision of Luke throwing handfuls of Imperial warships.
Then we cut back to Calamari. If you recall, Lando had just driven his ship into the mouth of a World Devastator. He's now in an escape pod complaining that Star Destroyers are too hard to steer or something. However the Rebels have sent reinforcements and his pod is quickly picked up. Commander Klev of the Silencer-7 mocks the new E-Wings, at least until he is told that the "Master Control Computer" on Byss is sending a shutdown signal, which can't be overridden. Whoops. Back on the Rebel ship, Lando has been recast with Tom Selleck, because Billy Dee Williams won't let go of the Colt 45,
Han, Leia and company have now arrived at Byss, with Fett & Dengar in hot pursuit. But Fett takes a page out of Lando's book and crashes his ship against the planetary shields. They take the Falcon away from Salla's ship and quickly spot the Citadel where Luke and P-Diddy are waiting. A patrol ship spots them, but Leia uses the Force to distract him with images of Hot Rebel Quarterly or some such. Palpy's monkeys allow the Falcon to land, at least until the ship opens up and wipes out all the Stormtroopers on the dock. Leia, Han, and Threepio jump out, and Salla blasts out a wall and flies off.
Leia begins tripping balls again, and has yet another vision of Luke, who tells her that his master wants to talk to her, then gives her his crazy eyes as he informs her that the Emperor is still alive.
And judging by the fact that his pupils are just pinpricks, I'd say that P-Dawg has broken out the really good stuff.
Sorry about that, just had to get that off my chest. Anyway, Luke wants to parade them down to the Emperor, but Han slaps leather and tells him he's getting the lot of them out of this crazy house. Luke Dark-Sides Han's gun away, and it turns out he's allowed the Empire to remove his artificial hand in favor of "a better one". What? Leia draws Vima's old Lightsaber just as Palpatine shows up, and does his old "Give in to your anger" routine. Leia restates that they're taking Luke and leaving, to which Palpy just laughs and does "something" with the Force that causes the Lightsaber to disintegrate. Well, I'm glad they went to all the trouble of introducing it.
Palpy now gets all creepy uncle and starts stroking both Luke and Leia's cheeks, then starts telling his story again about how he's still alive. Leia uses the Force to try to drop a piece of ceiling on Palpy while he's yakking away, but he just knocks it aside and gives her a Force Lightning high colonic, and continues to get all creepy uncle:
Han, rightfully pissed off, takes a swing at Luke, who just grabs him with his left hand and chokes him out a bit while Han threatens to kill him. Luke just replies "Maybe. But not by your hand."
So Han's ex has hid the Falcon inside another ship. But she's apparently also incompetent, because a giant-as-fuck probe droid has spotted it. Great plan.
So let's cut back to P-Dawg, who now has Leia in his chambers....and if you thought his dialog previously was depraved, well, brother, you ain't seen nothing yet:
Anyone else think that Palpy has a windowless Star Destroyer with the words "FREE PUPPIES" emblazoned across the sides at this point? But instead of introducing Leia to Little Palpy, he decides to show her a Holocron, which projects an image of a Jedi named Bodo Baas, who bears a striking similarity to Dr. Zoidberg.
Leia tells Palpy he has no right to have a Jedi teaching tool, and tells her to get bent and give him back his shiny thing.
Palpy then asks for her help to get into bed (EEEEEEWWWWW!!!) and tells Leia that he can not only enter one of his clones, but any body at all, including her unborn child. Leia reacts as we all would if told by a creepy old man that he's going to "enter" our child, and runs off. Palpy is actually initially pleased with this turn of events because it means she has the same anger in her that Vader and Luke have. Well, he's happy at least until he realizes that Leia grabbed the Holocron on her way out, then he's mad because he was gonna get baked and watch it later.
Luke meanwhile is getting his "new hand" attached and taking a report from what appears to be a member of the French Foreign Legion:
Admiral Funny Hat tells Luke that someone is screwing around with the Master Control Signal, which has caused three World Devastators to be lost. Luke tells him to keep it between the two of them, and dismisses Admiral Funny Hat. Turns out Threepio and Artoo are with him, and Threepio spots Leia entering the room with a pistol. Threepio tells Leia that Luke is uploading too much data into Artoo's memory. Luke insists again that he knows what he is doing to Leia while giving her the crazy eyes:
He tells Leia that her influence has helped him break the power of the Dark Side over him, and what he's uploaded into Artoo is the Master Control Signal and all of P-Dawg's battle plans. He tells her he's ready to leave now, and starts taking her to Han.
Han, meanwhile, is doing his best impression of the Emperor.
And I think Chewie is so annoyed, he tore off Han's face and is wearing it like a mask. Let's see if we can blow up this image for giggles.
Well, that's horrifying.
Palpy now gets all creepy uncle and starts stroking both Luke and Leia's cheeks, then starts telling his story again about how he's still alive. Leia uses the Force to try to drop a piece of ceiling on Palpy while he's yakking away, but he just knocks it aside and gives her a Force Lightning high colonic, and continues to get all creepy uncle:
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| "Take her to my quarters. It is time for her to begin her training..." |
Han, rightfully pissed off, takes a swing at Luke, who just grabs him with his left hand and chokes him out a bit while Han threatens to kill him. Luke just replies "Maybe. But not by your hand."
So Han's ex has hid the Falcon inside another ship. But she's apparently also incompetent, because a giant-as-fuck probe droid has spotted it. Great plan.
So let's cut back to P-Dawg, who now has Leia in his chambers....and if you thought his dialog previously was depraved, well, brother, you ain't seen nothing yet:
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| "Release her...and leave us alone. I have secrets I can only share with a Jedi. Unh...The time is approaching...yes, I can feel it...when I will again be young. Come here, little Jedi. I want to show you something." |
Leia tells Palpy he has no right to have a Jedi teaching tool, and tells her to get bent and give him back his shiny thing.
Palpy then asks for her help to get into bed (EEEEEEWWWWW!!!) and tells Leia that he can not only enter one of his clones, but any body at all, including her unborn child. Leia reacts as we all would if told by a creepy old man that he's going to "enter" our child, and runs off. Palpy is actually initially pleased with this turn of events because it means she has the same anger in her that Vader and Luke have. Well, he's happy at least until he realizes that Leia grabbed the Holocron on her way out, then he's mad because he was gonna get baked and watch it later.
Luke meanwhile is getting his "new hand" attached and taking a report from what appears to be a member of the French Foreign Legion:
Han, meanwhile, is doing his best impression of the Emperor.
So Han's using Chewie for a ladder so he can...hang on...no way I can be seeing this right. I refuse to believe the evidence of my eyes.
Someone please tell me he is not trying to saw through the bars using a credit card.
Anyway, Han realizes that even if he does get through the bars, it's a twelve-story drop. In addition, there's one of those huge-ass probe droids looking right at him. But it turns out that Shug Ninx and Salla have hotwired it to stage a jailbreak. They blow down the wall of Han's cell, and Han is going to grab Leia, but Luke shows up. Now, here is possibly the most badass moment of the entire series. I'm serious. This is actually pretty cool.
But Leia is right behind Luke and tells Han to put the gun down. Han is still pissed and ready to plug Luke in the head, but they insist that Luke can now stop the Empire forever. Han decides, "Wellll, while we're here, hows about we kill the Emperor for sure this time?" But Imperial Security shows up and chases them off. Luke tells them that in order to shut down the World Devastators, all they have to do is plug Artoo into a comm unit. And then Luke vanishes, as it turns out he was just using a Dark Side illusion to appear with them. Bruce Campbell....
God. Damn. It. Han is surprised with the news that Leia is pregnant again, and we cut back to P-Diddy. He finds Luke in his cloning chamer, which he is not at all happy about. He allows his current body to die, and Luke, realizing that Palpy can only inhabit a living body, starts wrecking up the joint, trying to kill all the clones. Unfortunately he misses the Emperor's special clone of David Bowie.
Just one problem with this clone. It does not possess Bowie's genitals.
Emperor Bowie is obviously pissed about this, and has a naked lightsaber duel with Luke. No, not that kind of naked lightsaber duel. He was cloned sans penis, remember? Bowie defeats Luke and reminds him that the Dark Side is his master now, and tells Luke that they're going to get his shiny thing back and Leia's baby.
So, the Millenium Falcon is streaking towards Calamari, and Han and Friends are trying to splice Artoo into the Falcon's comm system so they can shut down the Devastators. Threepio is being an annoying priss as usual, so to get him out of the way, Leia gets him to monitor Imperial signals for a distress call from the Devastators.
Over on Calamari, the signal is working, and all the Devastators are just hanging there. So Lando orders groups of "Sea-Commandos" to begin an assault on them. Now, here's a confusing fact. According to the story, the signal has dropped the Devastators' shields and defensive weaponry. Why the fuck wouldn't they just bombard them from orbit???? Lando, seriously man, put down the fucking malt liquor. Commander Klev has teams working to restore command of the weapons, but the best they can do is reactivate the weapons factories. So the commandos are boarding only to run into waves of Stormtroopers, and the Devastators begin producing robotic craft again.
The Falcon arrives just then, and Han is pissed to see that the Devastators are still working. Threepio tells him that Artoo thinks he can create a new signal to make the weapons do whatever he wants. Han, fighting a bout of constipation,
decides, what the hell, seeing as Luke is apparently an idiot. Leia bitches him out because in her opinion, Luke is taking a pretty big risk, but Han is still having problems passing all that rich smuggler food, and tells Chewie to radio the Commandos and tell them to haul ass, because Artoo is going to set a 3 minute self destruct. (I guess standard commando training in the Rebellion includes lessons in the Wookiee language for just this type of scenario.)
The Devastators begin attacking each other, and Threepio congratulates Artoo, who promptly tells Threepio to go fuck himself. Lando calls the Falcon to thank Han and Leia, just to find out that the Emperor is alive again. Everyone heads back to the Rebel Base, where they analyze the Emperor's plans, which pretty much involve kicking the shit out of every planet he can. Leia takes some time to play with the Emperor's shiny thing, and starts talking to Bodo "Dr. John Zoidberg" Baas, who tells her a prophecy...and I should mention that, yes, all of this was canon...
Out of morbid curiosity, why do all prophecies have to be delivered in rhyme??
While Leia is screwing around, a ship emerges from hyperspace. Did I say ship? I meant a fucking huge ship. This is the Eclipse the Emperor's new flagship. Just to give you an idea of how fucking crazy this thing is, I nipped over to Wookiepedia for some of the stats. It's 17.5 Km long, carried over 600 fighter craft, was capable of deploying over 150000 Stormtroopers and 100 AT-AT's into battle.
Oh, and it has a Death Star-style Superlaser.
Anyone else think Palpy is trying to overcompensate?
Leia comments that she senses Luke, and his mind is imprisoned, and she's just a teensy bit smug about it.
Gee, thanks sis. The Rebel leaders assemble to debate what in the fuck they intend to do now, just to have P-Diddy beam a hologram into the meeting chamber. Emperor Bowie demands that Leia return his shiny thing personally, and then he'll discuss a truce with the Alliance because he "has no quarrel with the leaders of the Rebel Alliance". Riiiiiight.
Han wisely suggests just throwing everything they have against him, but Leia tells him she's willing to go see Bowie. Women, amirite guys?
Leia arrives in the Emperor's command chamber, where he demands his shiny cube back because Zoidberg makes him laugh. Leia tells him she's just here for Luke, and a stop at the gift shop on the way out. Spliffy-P tells her in his best Lord Vigo fashion that through her child he will live again, and reaches out for her. However, he's wearing wool, and he's been shuffling his feet, so he gets a shock.
Hurt and angry, Bowie commands Luke to bring Leia to the Dark Side, and they begin to duel. Luke tells Leia that he's gone too deep in the Dark Side and begs for help to come back. Palpy tells him not to listen to her but to him, and Luke calls the Emperor a big scaredy-cat (again, this is canon). Because Luke wanted to know the truth of his father, Palpy obliges him.
That's telling him. He also gives Luke a shot of Force Lightning just to emphasize his point. Luke insists that Leia and the Force have lifted the Dark Side from him. Luke and Palpy begin to duel then while Leia starts tripping balls again in the background. Seriously, she's just standing there. Finally, Luke chops off Palpy's duelling hand (his left, if you were wondering. Is this canon? Think I'm going to have to check on that later), and demands he surrender to the Alliance. Palpy gives Luke his angry face and summons a Force Storm to destroy the Rebels.
Leia and Luke decide to break Palpy's concentration over the storm by combining their powers and surrounding him with a bubble of the Light Side of the Force. Palpy, concentrating so hard he's apparently drooling now:
Is blocked from controlling the storm...so like any being attuned to the Dark Side, Bowie decides his only solution is to rock the fuck out.
In reality though, the storm starts to devour the Eclipse, so Luke and Leia make a run for her shuttle. After they safely get away, Luke confidently brags that the Jedi Knights will rise again...while still managing to look completely insane.
(Insert closing theme here)
There you have it folks, the true horror that is Dark Empire
Next Time: DARK EMPIRE II: IMPERIAL BOOGALOO!
Over on Calamari, the signal is working, and all the Devastators are just hanging there. So Lando orders groups of "Sea-Commandos" to begin an assault on them. Now, here's a confusing fact. According to the story, the signal has dropped the Devastators' shields and defensive weaponry. Why the fuck wouldn't they just bombard them from orbit???? Lando, seriously man, put down the fucking malt liquor. Commander Klev has teams working to restore command of the weapons, but the best they can do is reactivate the weapons factories. So the commandos are boarding only to run into waves of Stormtroopers, and the Devastators begin producing robotic craft again.
The Falcon arrives just then, and Han is pissed to see that the Devastators are still working. Threepio tells him that Artoo thinks he can create a new signal to make the weapons do whatever he wants. Han, fighting a bout of constipation,
The Devastators begin attacking each other, and Threepio congratulates Artoo, who promptly tells Threepio to go fuck himself. Lando calls the Falcon to thank Han and Leia, just to find out that the Emperor is alive again. Everyone heads back to the Rebel Base, where they analyze the Emperor's plans, which pretty much involve kicking the shit out of every planet he can. Leia takes some time to play with the Emperor's shiny thing, and starts talking to Bodo "Dr. John Zoidberg" Baas, who tells her a prophecy...and I should mention that, yes, all of this was canon...
A Brother and SisterBorn to Walk the SkyBut Reckless Brother Falls--Into Dark Side's Eye!Jedi Sister Carries HopeFor Future In Her WombOnly She Can SaveThe Skywalkers From Certain Doom!A Jedi-KillerWants to Tame Her.Now the Dark Side LordComes to Claim her.She Must Battle JoinAgainst this ThiefOr the Dynasty of all theJedi will come to Grief!
Out of morbid curiosity, why do all prophecies have to be delivered in rhyme??
While Leia is screwing around, a ship emerges from hyperspace. Did I say ship? I meant a fucking huge ship. This is the Eclipse the Emperor's new flagship. Just to give you an idea of how fucking crazy this thing is, I nipped over to Wookiepedia for some of the stats. It's 17.5 Km long, carried over 600 fighter craft, was capable of deploying over 150000 Stormtroopers and 100 AT-AT's into battle.
Oh, and it has a Death Star-style Superlaser.
Anyone else think Palpy is trying to overcompensate?
Leia comments that she senses Luke, and his mind is imprisoned, and she's just a teensy bit smug about it.
Gee, thanks sis. The Rebel leaders assemble to debate what in the fuck they intend to do now, just to have P-Diddy beam a hologram into the meeting chamber. Emperor Bowie demands that Leia return his shiny thing personally, and then he'll discuss a truce with the Alliance because he "has no quarrel with the leaders of the Rebel Alliance". Riiiiiight.
Han wisely suggests just throwing everything they have against him, but Leia tells him she's willing to go see Bowie. Women, amirite guys?
Leia arrives in the Emperor's command chamber, where he demands his shiny cube back because Zoidberg makes him laugh. Leia tells him she's just here for Luke, and a stop at the gift shop on the way out. Spliffy-P tells her in his best Lord Vigo fashion that through her child he will live again, and reaches out for her. However, he's wearing wool, and he's been shuffling his feet, so he gets a shock.
Hurt and angry, Bowie commands Luke to bring Leia to the Dark Side, and they begin to duel. Luke tells Leia that he's gone too deep in the Dark Side and begs for help to come back. Palpy tells him not to listen to her but to him, and Luke calls the Emperor a big scaredy-cat (again, this is canon). Because Luke wanted to know the truth of his father, Palpy obliges him.
 |
| "THE GREAT DARTH VADER WAS A SICK MAN IN AN IRON MASK!!" |
Leia and Luke decide to break Palpy's concentration over the storm by combining their powers and surrounding him with a bubble of the Light Side of the Force. Palpy, concentrating so hard he's apparently drooling now:
Is blocked from controlling the storm...so like any being attuned to the Dark Side, Bowie decides his only solution is to rock the fuck out.
In reality though, the storm starts to devour the Eclipse, so Luke and Leia make a run for her shuttle. After they safely get away, Luke confidently brags that the Jedi Knights will rise again...while still managing to look completely insane.
(Insert closing theme here)
There you have it folks, the true horror that is Dark Empire
Next Time: DARK EMPIRE II: IMPERIAL BOOGALOO!
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