Let's Read Star Wars: EMPIRE'S END!

Well, at least the cover looks good again. And hey, look at the artist! New guy! Could this mean the death of the watercolored palette?

Of course, those will likely be the only high points of this goddamned trainwreck. Well, let's get the crawl over with.

Triumph of the Empire

With the birth of Leia and Han's third child, Anakin Solo, Luke Skywalker feels a surge of hope for the future of the Jedi Knights.

But it is a dark time for the Rebel Alliance: deploying Umak Leth's new terror weapon, Emperor Palpatine has once again asserted his technological dominance over the galaxy.

No planet, no space fleet, is safe from the destructive power of lightspeed projectiles that can set off nucleonic chain reactions anywhere in the galaxy.

In a demonstration of power, Pinnacle Moon and its Rebel Command Base have been destroyed by the weapon, and the Alliance has been driven into hiding.

Numerous systems sympathetic to the Rebel cause have rapidly capitulated to this new Imperial threat of total annihilation.

Secreted on the Nespis VIII space city, Mon Motha and her generals vow to fight on. Troopships and heavy armor are directed against Imperial supply ports and shipyards...and, without success, against the Galaxy Gun itself.

Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker and his small band of Jedi have the critical task of protecting Leia's children, who are the future of the Jedi. Most urgently, Luke and the Jedi hope to draw the Emperor into a face-to-face confrontation that will end his dark reign - and restore peace to the galaxy - for all time to come....

Important to note is that Mon Mothma has dropped the honorific "m" in her last name apparently. Well anyway, the story opens back on Ossus, and...fuck. The watercolors are still present. God. Damn. It.

Anyway, living up to their promise, the Ysanna are guarding the Jedi ruins on the planet for Luke. The leaders are taking a shot at performing Jedi-style meditation, and Jem's father just got the bad news that she was killed. Y'know, Luke, I know you're busy, but you could seriously have made a fucking phone call. Really. Anyway, her father gets another vision:

By the way, that rainbow effect? Get used to it, because it happens on every fucking page.

We now cut to a Rebel carrier called the Pelagia which just happens to carry a hundred thousand ground troops. What a coinky-dink! The captain, a Mon-Calamari named Tekba is getting a message from Pink Lando

Who tells him that another one of the planet-destroying missiles is about to wipe out the Pelagia. The captain tells Lando that his ship is so old, getting out and walking is faster, so Lando tells him he's fucked. Sure enough, the missile blows up the ship while P-Spliffy does his happy dance back on Byss.

Turns out this was just a minor demonstration to several ambassadors who've arrived to kiss Palpy's rapidly wrinkling ass. Turns out that the more he uses the Dark Side in this clone, the faster it falls to shit. As such, his doctor is advising him to take it easy and spark up some J's. Unfortunately, P-Dawg knows now is not the time to get high, and after discovering that the rebels have relocated to Nespis, orders the Galaxy Gun to open fire.

Over on Nespis, Han is removing the goofy looking Lightning Gun that King BeachBall installed on the Falcon, while BeachBall smugly reminds Han that it did take out Boba Fett for him. Artoo and Threepio meanwhile are having a lover's quarrel over whether or not a technician just installed a homing beacon on the ship. Han and Chewie quickly take the tech's ass down, who flat out admits that he's working for Emperor Bowie.

As the Alliance begins evacuating again, it turns out that Kam Solusar's been promoted to General already, and he gives and order to open fire with the Ion Cannons on the missile. However, they don't even slow it down, as the missile breaks through the side of the docking bay...

PSYCH! Turns out the missile was a dud. The Alliance shares a laugh at Palpy's expense, and continues to evacuate, knowing that he's going to fire another one sooner or later.

Palpy is understandably pissed, and threatens to rip out the designer's heart for taking the low bid for detonators. But he can't make up his mind apparently.

"If I did not need you to operate this supreme weapon you designed, I would have you destroyed! I WILL have you destroyed!!"

The designer, confused as hell as to whether or not he's going to survive blames the people he bought the timing devices from, but Spliffy ain't hearing it. His doctor tells him again that the angrier Palpy gets, the faster the cells decay. With no other clones available, he really needs to get high and kick back. Palpy thinks that this might actually be the right idea, with a caveat that he needs to get more clones happening asap. The doctor advises that the clones need fresh genetic material of Jedi heritage to reinforce them and stop the rapid decaying process. He dispatches some flunkies to Ossus to grab a few of the Ysanna for some preliminary tests, and comments that he will travel to his "place of power", and commands his flagship be readied...yet another Eclipse class Star Destroyer.

The Rebels are meanwhile trying to pick a new base, and consider Ossus, based on the fact they don't think that Palpy would risk destroying Jedi artifacts. They decide to actually split up the Alliance into small cells to avoid being blown to smithereens. Han Leia, and the kids will drop off the radar to avoid P-Dawg, although Han doesn't appear to be too happy with it. At least I think it's Han. It could be Robert Wuhl.

Luke, Rayf, BeachBall, and Kam decide to head back to Ossus to at least tell the chief "Sorry, we got your daughter killed."

However, by the time they arrive, the Empire has begun harvesting the Ysanna to research how to cure Palpy. Luke and the others find out that Rayf and Jem's father, Okko of the crazy dance, was among those kidnapped, and Kam predicts that they've been taken to Vader's old vacation spot. Rayf, in the meanwhile, shows off his Lightsaber. Which is not as dirty as it sounds.

Back on Vjun, at Vader's Bast Castle, the flunkies are getting ready to carbon freeze the shamen to take them to Byss...and I have to ask myself why? Seriously? You got this far, you couldn't go a little further with some guys who aren't even full Jedi? Or shoot them full of Bantha tranquilizers to keep em nice and docile? Anyway, Luke et al arrive and crash into the castle, where a boring lightsaber battle breaks out. But it turns out they never got rid of the giant statue of Vader like Palpy told them too, so Luke gets a hand from the Old Man, using the Force to push the statue over to crush most of the flunkies. They take the Lead Flunky prisoner, and find the carbonite slabs. Chief Flunky tells them that only the Emperor can thaw them out apparently, and Luke makes some comment about being the one to defeat Bowie.

We open the second half of the story to a planet familiar to many of us, Korriban. For those of you not so familiar with it, it was the homeworld of the original Sith, and a major center of learning and training for generations of Sith afterwards. Palpy has just arrived with a couple of his surviving flunkies, and mutters to himself that he hasn't been there for 10 years, and it's a damn good thing he came back because apparently he thinks that it will stop the premature decay of his body. And about damn time.

Yuck. Anyway, the Sith spirits of Korriban speak to Palpy,

"Emperor of numberless worlds...Lord Vader's throne still remains empty. Have you now come to take his place and join us?"

Palpy does the collar tug thing and begs off, stating that all he wants is to maintain his current body for a bit longer. The ghosts laugh at him and tell him, nope, you're pretty much fucked at this point. Needless to say, this is not the news P-Spliffy was looking for. He demands that if they will not heal this body, that they show him where Anakin Solo is. The spirits, tired of listening to Palpy bitch at them agree, and show him that the Falcon is on its way to Onderon (another planet that should be familiar to many EU readers). However, Palpy has realized a massive plot hole: If he takes Anakin's body, he'll be a baby. The flunkies promise to take care of him and change his poopy diapers more than they do now. Palpy complains that he doesn't trust them, but acknowledges that he has no choice. Then he prepares another diaper for the flunkies.

Onboard the Falcon, Han tells Leia to take her head out of an old Jedi book. Crazy old Vima encourages her, saying that Jedi Battle Meditation is an important skill, but Han wants to buckle the kids in before they land. Suddenly, Leia begins tripping balls again and senses the Emperor close by. Vima tells her to use the Battle Meditation, then we see Palpy get shocked to shit.


Let's see, how do I put this....

BATTLE MEDITATION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!

Anyway, the Eclipse II drops out of lightspeed just ahead of the Falcon and attempts to get a tractor lock. Han does the smart thing, and fires some torpedoes at the emitter. In the process, however, the Falcon's hyperdrive takes a hit. Palpy is pissed. He shocks out the captain of the Eclipse II while Han lands the ship on Onderon. While they repair the hyperdrive for the gazillionth time, Han comments that the ship is in "docking orbit"...because, y'know, you can dock with a planet. Han tells Leia they can leave whenever, but there's the little problem of the fucking huge ship in orbit.

A local leader, Modon Kira, tells them that the Onderonans have no love for the Empire or the Dark Side since Jedi Master Arca Jeth liberated them, and offers to hide the two of them. As a distraction, Han suggests that Chewie take off with the Falcon to make the Emperor think that they're running again. Leia realizes the plan is stupid, based on the fact that Palpy will be able to sense her still on the planet. Vima, in typically ugly fashion, states that she will go with Chewie and try to use the Force to make P-Diddy think that Leia and the kids are actually on board.

Almost immediately after leaving the planet, TIE fighters begin swarming the Falcon. Vima touches Palpy's mind through the Force, and reels almost instantly. Oops. Palpy now knows that Anakin is still on Onderon, and resolves to personally go to find him.

Ok, so Palpy is personally going after baby Anakin. So Leia decides, "Hey, let's hide in the wilderness of a planet with only one city because all the fauna on this fucking planet is hell-bent on killing each other!"

Chewie, meanwhile, lands the Falcon on.....No. No. I refuse to believe my eyes. I thought the space-submarine was the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen in Star Wars.

I was wrong.

It's a fucking Space Aircraft Carrier.

Chewie tells Luke and Lando what's going on, and Luke thinks that the smartest idea is to capture the Emperor alive. So the best idea he can come up with is a total assault on the Eclipse II to act as a distraction for the Falcon, so it can land on the Emperor's flagship or Onderon, wherever the bigger concentration of Dark Side energy is. The Eclipse assault is almost a prediction of the assault written years later for Revenge of the Sith. It seriously reads the same way, almost as if George Lucas picked up a copy and plagiarized it.

The major difference is Luke, BeachBall, and Rayf go to the planet, while Lando attempts to use the Falcon to hack into the Eclipse II. Not sure just why yet. On the surface, Han uses the most powerful set of binoculars in existence to watch the space battle, and is apparently so eagle-eyed, he can make out Luke's ship heading for the spaceport back at the city of Iziz. Apparently, Leia's idea of "going into the wilderness" meant "we're travelling 30 minutes outside of town in case I need Han to go buy diapers." Han goes back to the city to meet with Luke, and they board the Emperor's shuttle just to find a flunky who tells them he's already gone to get Anakin. I smell a sitcom!

Palpy is smooth as fuck in the meantime, using the Dark Side to fool Leia's guards into thinking he's a travelling monk or some shit who wants to spend the night.Threepio is reading Leia a bedtime story about Jedi Master Arca who liberated Onderon from the Dark Side, and later taught Nomi Sunrider about Battle Meditation, giving Kevin J. Anderson a whole plot for several other comics. Palpy then strolls into the room, and, yes, he's all creepy uncle again.

Up in orbit, the space battle continues. Anybody care? Anyone?

Back on the planet, Leia zaps the Emperor somehow with the Light Side, I don't really understand how. In retaliation, P-Spliffy zaps her back, and just for giggles, zaps Threepio too. Anyone else want to pin a medal on him? He grabs baby Anakin, and some blonde Onderondian grabs the baby from him. Luke and the others arrive just then, led by BeachBall. P-Spliffy zaps BeachBall while he's at it, thereby earning yet another medal from us. Rayf is next in, and chops the hand off of one of Palpy's flunkies.

Palpy, sick of all this, zaps Rayf. Anyone else just want Palpy to win at this point?

Luke, all smug because he decided to bring up the rear, implies that Palpy is surrendering. Palpy instead makes another grab for the baby, so Han shoots him in the back,

Then pretty much tells Luke "Why the hell were we dicking around instead of just blasting the old fuck?"

Palpy, dying anyway, decides to attempt the essence transferral anyway, because, why not? We see Palpy's tiny essence shoot across the room at Anakin, when suddenly, with a burst of..something...BeachBall intercepts the essence.

He claims he's holding the Emperor's soul captive so that when he dies, the Emperor dies too. BeachBall evaporates, and Luke realizes that he's doing a pretty shitty job of rebuilding the Jedi order.

Back on Eclipse II, it turns out that Lando, Kam, and Artoo are sabotaging its hyperdrive for some reason. The ship accelerates off, and reappears on a collision course with the Galaxy Gun. In a occurance of the "Wile-E-Coyote-Effect", just after the collision, the Galaxy Gun fires a planet killer missile....directly into Byss. Oops. As the Falcon makes its getaway, Chewie is actually translated for a change, so we now are aware that "HNN-ROWR YRROONN NNG RARRR!" translates into "Long live the New Republic". Of course it does.

And that's the end. Really. We get no other closure than that. No deeply philosophical statements by our heroes, no party with Ewoks, no magical glance as a ship flies away, we get a fucking translation from Wookie to Basic.

Fucking awesome.