Operation Shadow HandLuke Skywalker's bold attempt to learn the Dark Side secrets of Emperor Palpatine nearly ended in disaster for Luke and for the Rebel Alliance.But thanks to Luke's Jedi sister Leia Organa Solo, Han Solo, and other good friends, Luke was rescued and the Empire's terrible World Devastator weapons were destroyed.In a final confrontation with the Emperor himself, Luke and Leia joined together as Jedi in the Force. Enveloped in light, the Emperor fell victim to his own cataclysmic Dark Side energy!Long before the cloned Emperor's demise, the evil ruler initiated an elite cops of seven warriors whom he empowered with the Dark Side of the Force. These "Dark Jedi", as he called them, were authorized to put into action his master plan to retake the Galaxy: Operation Shadow Hand.Following the disappearance of their Emperor, the Imperial elite, under the command of Dark Side Executor Sedriss, initiated a series of assaults against the world in proximity to the Galactic Core.Luke Skywalker, in the meantime, had found clues in the Jedi Holocron which made him believe that some Jedi Knights might have survived Darth Vader's program of extermination.Near the Cron Drift, in the derelict space city Nespis VIII, Luke discovered the fallen Jedi Kam Solusar. With great difficulty, Luke managed to free Solusar from the Dark Side. In gratitude, Solusar agreed to join Luke in reviving the ancient company of Jedi Knights.As Luke returns to Pinnacle Base, Dark Side Executor Sedriss is going forward with Operation Shadow Hand. Sedriss and his men are preparing to deliver the Empire's discipline to a renegade manufacturing world at the fringes of the Galactic Core...
So...I don't get it. I really don't. Where were these "Dark Jedi" during Dark Empire I?? And I'm assuming that's a typo where it says that Operation Shadow Hand is only assaulting one planet near the galactic core where Byss is. Unless it's talking about the "renegade manufacturing world"? But I will say this, as the text insists on using Dark Side Executor Sedriss's full title, so will I.
Turns out this world, called Balmorra, was one of the top weapons manufacturers pre-Endor, being responsible for the AT-ST walkers. The Alliance liberated it, but after Emperor Bowie reappeared, they were put under Imperial control again. But after Bowie was reported dead again, the Balmorrans just got sick of all the BS and declared themselves utterly independant of both sides.
You know what? I like the cut of their jib.
Here we get our first look at the oft-mentioned Dark Side Executor Sedriss.
Well, the watercolor paints are back. Jeez. Dark Side Executor Sedriss complains that Governor Beltane of Balmorra is a gigantic blowhard, and evidently is looking forward to doing a little ass kicking. D.S.E. Sedriss is radioed by Beltane who fulfills invasion cliche #1 by demanding to know the meaning of this. Sedriss (who is the Dark Side Executor), responds that he knows Beltane has been selling to the Rebels and demands Balmorra's immediate surrender so that he can execute Beltane. "Otherwise I will come down there and destroy you."
Um. Ok. I really don't see any impetus here for Beltane to do anything. He says as much. Executor of the Dark Side Sedriss comments privately that he needs the war droids Balmorra's been stockpiling, which is why he simply doesn't glass the planet. He then reminds his flunkies that Balmorra lacks the power of the Dark Side, and tells Beltane that his troops will be landing to accept his surrender. Beltane responds with a curt "Go fuck yourself." Dark Executor Side Sedriss apparently gets a title change at this point to "Imperial Military Executor", but I prefer the previous title.
As the Imperial forces begin to deploy, Beltane sends out his new war droids...ironically the same ones that Dark Sedriss Executor Side was afraid of losing.
Well done, Sedriss Dark Executor Side. The narrator informs us that the Empire is using last year's model of War Droid as opposed to Beltane's newer SD-10 model. One of Beltane's troops points out that the SD-10's are programmed with unbeatable counter-moves....based on what, I have no idea. Sedriss, who you will recall is the Dark Side Executor, orders his troops to be pulled back, and comments that his trap has been sprung. He launches a new weapon called "Shadow Droids", which are small fighter craft with brains implanted from fallen Imperial pilots.
Ok. I can't keep quiet about that. That could possibly be the most retarded thing I've ever heard of in literature. If they were shot down once...would cutting out their brains and implanting them in a robot really make that big a difference? Anyway, the droids broadcast communications in binary, giving us this panel.
And if you're at all curious if that binary actually translates to anything, no, no it doesn't. But now the narrator points out that there is a rumor that the brains are now empowered by the Dark Side...which better mean that they can either throw lightning or choke a bitch. Beltane shrugs off this new attack, and busts out his secret project, the X-1 Viper Automadon, which is the bigass robot on the front cover. Apparently one of its benefits is that it can absorb laser fire and channel it back to its own turbolasers. Take that, thermodynamics!
Dark Side Imperial Military Executor Sedriss is pissed that he wasn't informed of this project, and calls Beltane again. He tells Beltane that he wants the X-1's working for the Empire, and demands to know Beltane's price. Beltane tells him that he wants Balmorra's independance protected, then he will sell the X-1's to the Empire. Imperial Dark Military Executor Side Sedriss claims that the Emperor does not buy weapons from free planets, to which Beltane points out "The Emperor doesn't buy weapons from anybody...he's DEAD." Dark Military Side Executor Imperial Sedriss mutters that after he has the X-1's he'll blow Balmorra to "space dust". Good luck with that.
Back over at Pinnacle Base, Light Side Executor Skywalker is just returning with Kam Solusar in tow.
Luke, however thinks Wedge is a retard and wants to use the X-1's to liberate other worlds because security on Byss is too tight. In return, both Leia and Han call Luke a retard and remind him that they got in pretty much unmolested (neglecting to mention that the Emperor wanted them there). Lando also agrees with Wedge, possibly because this gives him a chance to crash something new. Luke grudgingly accepts the decision, and he, Kam, and Leia go back to her quarters to play with the Holocron. Leia says that while Luke was gone, she spent a lot of time with it, and was told that Vima-Da-Boda, who if you rememb-
AHHHHHH! FUCK, DON'T DO THAT!
And Luke comments that he apparently spent some time with it and believes that there might be some Jedi stuff on a planet called Ossus. Kam absently picks it up and is presented with the image of Jedi Master Zoidberg. Zoidy reminds them that "Things that were lost can now be found...someone who was dead may yet live..." and with a WOOP WOOP WOOP retreats back into the cube.
Back at the hanger, Salla Zend and Shug Ninx are just hanging out, wanting to go home or at least back to Byss to get the ship they were forced to leave behind. Han arrives and tells them that he'll be going back to Nar Shaddaa to find Vima, and they're welcome to tag along. Shug asks Han if they're worried about more Bounty Hunters, which Han and Leia both shrug off. Luke and Kam see them off, and Luke tells Kam that he wants to know about some guy named "Sedriss".
Back on Byss, Imperial Dark Side Military Executor Sedriss Q.L. has arrived to quite a dilemna. It appears that some of the Emperor's flunkies have been spreading rumors that P-Diddy will not take a new clone body, and want to execute the Executor for his "failure" at Balmorra. But down in the cloning lab, two of the Emperor's former flunkies are killing off the remaining clones so that they can seize power for themselves. To say that Sedriss Imperial Dark Executor Side Military is pissed is an understatement, and he quickly kills them both. A figure steps forth from the shadows to give his approval, and it's none other than....
Oh yeah. Now shit is gonna go down.
So now the Falcon arrives at Nar Shaddaa, which if you may recall, they just ran the fuck away from in Dark Empire I. Apparently, this is just supposed to be a pit stop on the way to New Alderaan, where Winter is caring for Jaina and Jacen. They spot a Star Destroyer chilling over the Corellian sector of the planet, and Han comments that the Falcon has been a priority Imperial target since they escaped Byss.
News flash, Han. I think the ship's been a priority target since it blew up goddamned Death Star II.
Salla Zend comments that she can pilot the ship through a sensor dead zone, so Han allows her to. We then cut to two of Sedriss (Dark Side Military Executor)'s flunkies who are trying to blackmail Boba Fett into working for no charge. The following bit of dialogue needs to be quoted for posterity, simply because these guys are supposed to be Dark Jedi...but they sound like they're from Brooklyn.
DJ 1: "In the past, the Empire has hired your services, Fett."Riveting, ain't it? In further canon-creation, Dark Jedi #2 comments that Fett was apparently a Stormtrooper who murdered his superior officer. For those of you keeping score, Boba Fett has 3 origin stories now: Clone of Jango Fett, Former policeman Jaster Mareel, and now former Stormtrooper. Actually 4, seeing as he used to bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance his vette.
DJ 2: "This time, we'll make a different arrangement...you'll work for nothing."
BF: "No thanks...my price has gone up."
DJ 1: "Listen, little man...what we're paying has gone down."
Fett gets a little pissy about these assholes being up in his face, so he slaps leather, just to get a throatful of choky choky power. One of the flunkies states he wants to remove Fett's helmet and see his face, so Fett responds with a wrist rocket, killing one of their guards. Taking advantage of the distraction, he runs for Slave I, while the Dark Jedi get a message that the Falcon has been sighted, so they ignore Fett and move on.
Han and co. arrive at Shug Ninx's place to find the Imperial "Darktrooper Team Two" (groan), ransacking the place for info. Han decides that this is the time for subtlety and opens fire on the troopers. Unfortunately, during the flight, Han happened upon Lando's stash of Colt .45, and can't hit shit, destroying one of Shug's own ships. Han then drunkenly decides to land and take the fight directly to the troopers, which actually works out ok.
Chewie meanwhile has apparently been on a hunger strike for a flea dip, and decides to take out his aggression on one of Shug's droids.
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| WOOKIE ON DROID VIOLENCE MUST END!!!! |
For those of you not familiar with the names of those creatures...
This is a Krayt dragon. Looks easy enough to milk.
And this of course is a Dianoga.
Appetizing, no? Well, could be worse.
Could've been Darth Krayt milk.
ANYWAY, Leia and Han were looking for Vima Da Boda, but aren't having much success. Leia pays off a street person for info on her, Han admonishes her because this guy is just gonna spend it on Krayt milk or something. Instead, he goes and tips off some guys called "Ganks"...yeah, that's some stellar writing there...who apparently work for the Hutts, and demand they surrender. The narrator states that Han and Leia have a "contingency plan" for this sort of thing...and by contingency plan, it means "shoot the shit out of the bad guys".
More Ganks turn up, and Han calls for Chewie. Chewie however, has apparently been attacked by his Dianoga pie, and begins opening fire on the bar. He meets back up with Han and Leia, and tells them that their bounty has doubled again. Needless to say, every bounty hunter in the sector is congregating on Nar Shadaa, so the two of them cheese it back to Shug Ninx's garage to find it deserted. At least until a group of Stormtroopers pile out of the Falcon and are quickly gunned down. Seriously, they just run out single file allowing themselves to be killed in sequence. I'm seriously thinking Imperial Sedriss Executor is actually Zapp Brannigan in disguise.
Anyway, after that, one of Shug's droids comes out of hiding and tells them that Shug and Salla took off for good. Han and Leia decide to follow suit, and take off out the front door. The narrator feels at this point that we need to know that the secret entrance was "a construction module from a Death Star prototype". Because, you know, the Empire just leaves those things just laying around. What Han and Leia don't know is that Boba Fett knows about the secret corridor and drives right at the Falcon. So now they're playing chicken. Han clips Slave I, knocking off one of the little stabilizer thingies from the sides.
Fett mutters that his force fields will limit the amount of damage...not sure how, exactly. Han, meanwhile, has lost all his sensors. And instead of doing the smart thing, which would be getting the fuck off planet, he decides to keep looking for Vima Da Boda. They land in the lowest levels of the city, to come under attack by...a man-eating vrblther. Admit it, Veitch, you slammed your fist on the keyboard to come up with that one. Chewie gets wounded, so Han tells him to stay behind while they go on ahead.
Then, out of the darkness,
Oh fuck, wait, it's just Vima. Christ, why does she keep sneaking up on us??
Vima states she is not worthy to accompany a Jedi, when Han hears what he thinks is Chewie. But, nope, because Chewie's backpack doesn't have jets and he's not trying to finance his 'vette. Fett tells Han that if he comes quietly, he might still be able to escape, and Boba might even cut Han in for some of the bounty. Then Chewie tackles Fett from behind, but Fett shoots him in the gut. Han makes some uncomplimentary remarks about Fett's mother, when Chewie, not dead at all, just wounded, yanks off Fett's helmet and hits the activator for his jet pack, resulting in a Wile E. Coyote moment.
Seriously, is everyone in the Dark Empire universe a functional retard?
Anyway the destroyer crashes into the city, and the Falcon makes it's escape.
Meanwhile, Salla Zend and Shug Ninx are trying to land on Byss to steal back their ship they left behind in Dark Empire I. But who gives a shit? Really, the only reason for this scene is to show a weird gizmo in orbit around Byss.
We then go to see Emperor Bowie Palpatine II and Dark Side Military Executor Sedriss. And seeing as how I can not think of any new versions of his title to make fun of him with, I shall now simply refer to him as "Wiggles". Bowie is pissed because Wiggles hasn't delivered Han, Leia, Luke, or his pizza in 30 minutes or less. Wiggles counters with the information that Luke and Kam Solusar are en route to a planet called Ossus. Bowie doesn't want Luke to find any Jedi relics on that world, so he commands Wiggles to personally capture Luke and Solusar alive...and if they die, Bowie will kill him too.
We flash to Luke and Kam, now arriving at Ossus. The narrator informs us that Ossus was devastated during the Great Sith War. Anyway, a probe droid has followed Kam and Luke, begins firing at them, so they ret..ur...n..fir..e....hang the fuck on. I thought these guys were Jedi, and as a certain crazy old wizard put it, aren't blasters "clumsy and random"? So we're just tossing all continuity and canon out the window now, are we?
We flash to Luke and Kam, now arriving at Ossus. The narrator informs us that Ossus was devastated during the Great Sith War. Anyway, a probe droid has followed Kam and Luke, begins firing at them, so they ret..ur...n..fir..e....hang the fuck on. I thought these guys were Jedi, and as a certain crazy old wizard put it, aren't blasters "clumsy and random"? So we're just tossing all continuity and canon out the window now, are we?
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| Oh. Right. George tossed continuity out the window, too. |
*sigh* so Kam and Luke are just tooling around, seeing the sights, looking for anywhere that artifacts might be. Eventually they spot two people tied to a weird looking tree.
Anyway, more Ysanna turn up and open fire on Luke and Kam. Luke wants to make sure they don't kill any of them because "they're all potential Jedi!" They finally use their lightsabers to defend themselves, until Okko, the local Shaman, decides to...I dunno, impress them with his crazy dance skills.
Turns out that it's actually an old Jedi Master named Ood Bnar, who quickly grabs Sedriss and liberates Jem. Wiggles tries to use the Dark Side against Ood, who counters with his own power, and the two of them annihilate each other. Luke meanwhile suddenly finds himself able to understand the Ysanna language for some reason. Jem finds a small phallic tree now growing which she calls a descendant of Master Ood. Under where Ood was standing, they find a cache of several hundred lightsabers, which Luke takes as an omen for some reason, as they also still work seeing as Ood had used Energizer Lithium batteries to power them.
Next, we open to see Lando's team packed into the X-1 Viper droids...along with Threepio and Artoo. Threepio is complaining that he doesn't need to be there, and Artoo is, as usual, telling him to shut the fuck up. Lando, hung over, tells them both to shut the hell up. They go over the plan quickly, that the droids will be mostly controlling the battle, but Lando still has manual control as an option if he needs to crash them into something.
In orbit around Byss, Palpy is touring his new dohicky that was in orbit last issue, the Galaxy Gun. Ok. Pause right there while I rant. Let's look at everything else in the Imperial super-weapon aresenal: The Death Star. The Sun Crusher. The World Devastators. The Eye of Palpatine. Now, albeit most of those names were written after Dark Empire, but my point that "The Galaxy Gun" is the weakest name for a superweapon ever stands. Especially considering what it does: It can fire a missile capable of destroying a planet through hyperspace anywhere in the galaxy. That's actually kind of cool, if a little over the top. But I reiterate that the name "Galaxy Gun" still sucks.
Anyway, P-Diddy is informed that Wiggles and his flunky are dead, and he's a little choked. So he decides to make some more of his flunkies into Dark Jedi...and apparently all it takes for a non-Force practitioner to become a Dark Jedi is for a Sith lord to wave his hands over their heads. And he does so in the most limp-wristed fashion imaginable.
Thank god for Ian McDiarmid, otherwise Palpy would forever have been ruined for me by this image.
Apparently, the effect of Palpy contracting a severe case of the Takei is so strong that Solusar and Luke feel it all the way across the galaxy on Ossus. They are then lead to a Jedi library by Rayf, who may have been using it as a toilet, I'm not sure. Jem finds a musty old book talking about Jedi Battle Meditation and tells Luke that she wants to be a Jedi. Kam tells them that the roof isn't stable and they need to get out. So Luke and Co. go hold a meeting with the Ysanna chieftans, who initially decline offers of Jedi training, but agree to watch over the ruins for Luke in exchange for some real toilet paper.
Back on the Millennium Falcon, Han, Leia, Chewie, and Vima are still trying to escape a fleet of bounty hunters. They manage to quickly take out two of their pursuers, but forgot about Boba Fett, who manages to wing them. Han uses his scary/angry face
and decides to plow headlong into a gas cloud to try and lose Fett. Within the cloud, they encounter a..space..submarine??
The fuck, it even has propellers!! What the fuck do they push against?? AND A RUDDER??
Give me a second.
Ok, that feels better.The "ship" hails Han and demands that the Falcon accompany it to port. Han tells them that they'll need a tow..and at this point...I can't believe I'm actually reading this...the narrator informs us that this ship is STEAM POWERED.
This...is is a joke right? Apparently the King of the Ganathian space wants to meet Han et al, and so we are introduced to King Empatojayos Brand of Ganath, who is apparently half-man, half-beach ball.
Turns out this guy is a Jedi, and Vima just keeps ranting "JEDI! JEDI! JEDI!" He comments that he was attacked by Vader, and his body, encased in a pressurized suit just floated in empty space until the people of Ganath found him. We are then treated to the following dialog.
Whatever helps you sleep at night you fucking fascist. He comments that Vader must have become extremely powerful since then, which means that Ganath must not even have a steam-powered subspace radio, huh?
We flash back to Byss then, where Lando and co. have just arrived. They give the Vipers the signal to attack, and the Imperials just assume that someone forgot to make them Y4k compliant. In actuality, Beltane programmed them with all current Imperial battle plans, which actually works out ok seeing as Lando still hasn't crashed one. Palpy's flunkies call him to find out what the hell they should do. P-Spliffy is busy listening to the latest Rush album on board the Galaxy Gun, so he tells the flunkies to release the "Chrysalis Beasts".
So we open this chapter with Artoo telling Threepio to go fuck himself for stepping on his wheels. Lando's force of captured Droids seems to have penetrated every layer of P-Spliffy's defences. However, Billy Dee's been hitting the Colt .45 pretty heavy, so for the rest of this issue the part of Lando will be played by Sam Elliot in blackface.
So the Droids march across a bridge, while some pods suddenly open. And out steps....CLONES OF WILFORD BRIMLEY!!!
THE HORROR!!!
Now, the problem with this situation is that the war droids absorb weapons fire. But they don't absorb a FACE FULL OF FUCKING CLAWS! Lando/Sam Elliot calls for a general retreat, so his force proceeds to cheese it out of the droids. Threepio whines again that he didn't think that this plan wouldn't work, so Artoo tells him to SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHY WON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?
Salla Zend and all the smugglers on Byss are watching the carnage, and a few decide to help the Rebels get the holy hell out of dodge. The Brimley clones begin to eat the droids, seeing as they don't contain any natural sugars. The smugglers open fire from above on the Brimley clones, and open their loading bays for the Rebels to scramble aboard. As the ship takes off, one of the Wilfords grabs onto the loading bay door, so Artoo gives it a shock. Palpy is informed that they're fleeing, but he orders his ships to not open fire, because he's finally got a buzz going, but he's forgotten his Zep albums, so there's really no need for a laser show. Instead, Spliffy-P decides it'd be way cooler to show off his new toy.
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| Midichlorians be damned, my handwave will give you the Force! |
Apparently, the effect of Palpy contracting a severe case of the Takei is so strong that Solusar and Luke feel it all the way across the galaxy on Ossus. They are then lead to a Jedi library by Rayf, who may have been using it as a toilet, I'm not sure. Jem finds a musty old book talking about Jedi Battle Meditation and tells Luke that she wants to be a Jedi. Kam tells them that the roof isn't stable and they need to get out. So Luke and Co. go hold a meeting with the Ysanna chieftans, who initially decline offers of Jedi training, but agree to watch over the ruins for Luke in exchange for some real toilet paper.
Back on the Millennium Falcon, Han, Leia, Chewie, and Vima are still trying to escape a fleet of bounty hunters. They manage to quickly take out two of their pursuers, but forgot about Boba Fett, who manages to wing them. Han uses his scary/angry face
Give me a second.
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| He's more beachball than man, twisted and goofy. |
"They say a Jedi strong in the Force can rule those less powerful than himself. This I have done...I hope with justice!"
We flash back to Byss then, where Lando and co. have just arrived. They give the Vipers the signal to attack, and the Imperials just assume that someone forgot to make them Y4k compliant. In actuality, Beltane programmed them with all current Imperial battle plans, which actually works out ok seeing as Lando still hasn't crashed one. Palpy's flunkies call him to find out what the hell they should do. P-Spliffy is busy listening to the latest Rush album on board the Galaxy Gun, so he tells the flunkies to release the "Chrysalis Beasts".
So we open this chapter with Artoo telling Threepio to go fuck himself for stepping on his wheels. Lando's force of captured Droids seems to have penetrated every layer of P-Spliffy's defences. However, Billy Dee's been hitting the Colt .45 pretty heavy, so for the rest of this issue the part of Lando will be played by Sam Elliot in blackface.
THE HORROR!!!
Now, the problem with this situation is that the war droids absorb weapons fire. But they don't absorb a FACE FULL OF FUCKING CLAWS! Lando/Sam Elliot calls for a general retreat, so his force proceeds to cheese it out of the droids. Threepio whines again that he didn't think that this plan wouldn't work, so Artoo tells him to SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHY WON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?
Salla Zend and all the smugglers on Byss are watching the carnage, and a few decide to help the Rebels get the holy hell out of dodge. The Brimley clones begin to eat the droids, seeing as they don't contain any natural sugars. The smugglers open fire from above on the Brimley clones, and open their loading bays for the Rebels to scramble aboard. As the ship takes off, one of the Wilfords grabs onto the loading bay door, so Artoo gives it a shock. Palpy is informed that they're fleeing, but he orders his ships to not open fire, because he's finally got a buzz going, but he's forgotten his Zep albums, so there's really no need for a laser show. Instead, Spliffy-P decides it'd be way cooler to show off his new toy.
Back over on Ganath, King BeachBall has had something called a lightning gun installed on the Falcon, and is having his doctors take a look at Vima, who has been diagnosed with a severe case of "HOLY FUCK, KILL IT WITH FIRE!". King BeachBall explains that his get up is capable of keeping him alive on the hottest or coldest planets, or even in vacuum. Which is interesting seeing as the upper half of his head isn't protected...what does he do, retract in like a turtle?
Han, Leia, Chewie, Vima, and King Beachball take the Falcon for a test run. BeachBall talks to Leia and Vima, telling them that he'll leave with them so that there are more Jedi available. They fly past the Space Sub...no, I'm not done yet.
...better. A bit. Anyway, they tell the captain that he's in charge until BeachBall is back. As they leave the gas cloud, they spot the Fettster still waiting outside. They fire the new lightning gun, hitting Slave I dead center and knocking it away. Han comments "I'm gonna miss him." in best Bill Murray fashion, and they fly off to New Alderaan.
Luke meanwhile is ripping off Obi-Wan's routine in teaching Rayf and Jem how to use a lightsaber. Rayf is apparently a natural, so Jem takes a turn. She quickly turns to anger and uses the Dark Side to slash through the remote after it zaps her. Luke takes her to another room to talk to her, while Kam gives his best smugface.
Luke applies some ointment to the light burn, then applies more ointment to Jems mouth with his tongue. Apparently, moving fast is also the Jedi way. Giggity.
Han and Leia arrive on New Alderaan and pick up Jaina and Jacen. That is all.
Luke's ship then arrives back at Pinnacle Base just in time to see a missile exit hyperspace and streak into the planet's surface. Yep, that's from the Galaxy Gun. The planet begins to break up almost instantly, causing Kam to exclaim that the Alliance has been destroyed.
So we open the final chapter of this particular tale to Han and the family reflecting on the oddity that they aren't able to raise any other members of the Alliance. They then contemplate that they haven't heard from Luke either. King BeachBall then arrives to tell them that a UFO has been spotted. Leia uses the Force to detect Luke on board the ship, and flashes her crazy eyes.
Han and Chewie decide to find out if Lando's alive or if he managed to crash something else. Meanwhile, Luke and Jem enjoy even more bland passion. Seriously, this is possibly the worst romance in the history of literature. At least with Mara, there was some chemistry. Luke later goes to check on his mechanical hand the Emperor hooked him up with, and complains that it hasn't worked right since they escaped Byss. The Emperor hook up the son of the man who killed him with substandard parts? Really? I am shocked and appalled.
Luke goes to bed, not noticing a group of robot bugs which the narrator informs us have been sent by the Emperor. In addition, due to the bad Chinese Luke ate before going to bed, he's having some crazy-ass nightmares about the Emperor and him wearing Vader's helmet.The robots inject Luke with some sort of poison. The flunkies seem to have teleported into the room suddenly and prepare to grab Luke. Jem and Leia burst into the room. One of the flunkies makes a sexist remark about them being "Jedi Women", so in response Jem chops his ass in half.
The remaining flunky demands Leia surrender, and when she refuses he shoots Jem. Confronted with the senseless violence, Leia calmly chops his ass in half. Vima appears and attempts to use the Force to purge the poison from Luke while Jem lays dying on the floor...proving that any woman who gets freaky with Luke Skywalker is completely and irrevocably fucked.
Han, Leia, Chewie, Vima, and King Beachball take the Falcon for a test run. BeachBall talks to Leia and Vima, telling them that he'll leave with them so that there are more Jedi available. They fly past the Space Sub...no, I'm not done yet.
...better. A bit. Anyway, they tell the captain that he's in charge until BeachBall is back. As they leave the gas cloud, they spot the Fettster still waiting outside. They fire the new lightning gun, hitting Slave I dead center and knocking it away. Han comments "I'm gonna miss him." in best Bill Murray fashion, and they fly off to New Alderaan.
Luke meanwhile is ripping off Obi-Wan's routine in teaching Rayf and Jem how to use a lightsaber. Rayf is apparently a natural, so Jem takes a turn. She quickly turns to anger and uses the Dark Side to slash through the remote after it zaps her. Luke takes her to another room to talk to her, while Kam gives his best smugface.
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| "U man, Luke?" |
Han and Leia arrive on New Alderaan and pick up Jaina and Jacen. That is all.
Luke's ship then arrives back at Pinnacle Base just in time to see a missile exit hyperspace and streak into the planet's surface. Yep, that's from the Galaxy Gun. The planet begins to break up almost instantly, causing Kam to exclaim that the Alliance has been destroyed.
Luke and the others disembark, and Luke expresses surprise that the kids haven't been murdered yet. Leia asks him what's happened, and Luke tells them that Pinnacle base was destroyed.
We then flash over to the planet Vjun, and Bast Castle, which used to be Vader's private castle. Now, however, the Emperor's flunkies are in the process of hotboxing it. But they also use it to conduct interrogations, and they are interrogating the captain of the New Alderaan supply ship. P-Spliffy arrives with his newest flunkies he handwaved into the ranks of the Dark Jedi. Palpy notices a statue of Vader standing there that he states Wiggles had built. Ok...why? If this guy was hand chosen by Palpy himself...why would he build a statue of Vader, arguably the biggest traitor in Imperial history??? At any rate, it's harshing Palpy's buzz, so he orders it removed. Then Palpy commands the new flunkies to go and kidnap Jaina and Jacen. They fly off in their ships, and Palpy spends some time doing typical bad-guy gloating.
Back on New Alderaan, King BeachBall is showing Rayf and Jem how to levitate rocks using the Force, which apparently Yoda taught him to do as well. They easily perform the task, and Luke mutters to himself how Yoda said to him "Always with you it cannot be done." in reference to the fact that these two are extremely optimistic about their own abilities. Later, Luke begins going over the ability of Battle Meditation, to which Han makes some snide remarks. Leia tells him to shut the everliving hell up, because she's developed gestational diabetes and her blood sugar is getting low.
We then flash over to the planet Vjun, and Bast Castle, which used to be Vader's private castle. Now, however, the Emperor's flunkies are in the process of hotboxing it. But they also use it to conduct interrogations, and they are interrogating the captain of the New Alderaan supply ship. P-Spliffy arrives with his newest flunkies he handwaved into the ranks of the Dark Jedi. Palpy notices a statue of Vader standing there that he states Wiggles had built. Ok...why? If this guy was hand chosen by Palpy himself...why would he build a statue of Vader, arguably the biggest traitor in Imperial history??? At any rate, it's harshing Palpy's buzz, so he orders it removed. Then Palpy commands the new flunkies to go and kidnap Jaina and Jacen. They fly off in their ships, and Palpy spends some time doing typical bad-guy gloating.
Back on New Alderaan, King BeachBall is showing Rayf and Jem how to levitate rocks using the Force, which apparently Yoda taught him to do as well. They easily perform the task, and Luke mutters to himself how Yoda said to him "Always with you it cannot be done." in reference to the fact that these two are extremely optimistic about their own abilities. Later, Luke begins going over the ability of Battle Meditation, to which Han makes some snide remarks. Leia tells him to shut the everliving hell up, because she's developed gestational diabetes and her blood sugar is getting low.
Luke goes to bed, not noticing a group of robot bugs which the narrator informs us have been sent by the Emperor. In addition, due to the bad Chinese Luke ate before going to bed, he's having some crazy-ass nightmares about the Emperor and him wearing Vader's helmet.The robots inject Luke with some sort of poison. The flunkies seem to have teleported into the room suddenly and prepare to grab Luke. Jem and Leia burst into the room. One of the flunkies makes a sexist remark about them being "Jedi Women", so in response Jem chops his ass in half.
The remaining flunky demands Leia surrender, and when she refuses he shoots Jem. Confronted with the senseless violence, Leia calmly chops his ass in half. Vima appears and attempts to use the Force to purge the poison from Luke while Jem lays dying on the floor...proving that any woman who gets freaky with Luke Skywalker is completely and irrevocably fucked.
We now cut to outside where the remaining flunkies are preparing to kidnap the kids, only to be confronted by Kam Solusar, King BeachBall, and Rayf with their lightsabers drawn. Rayf, however nearly cuts off what's left of BeachBall's head in the process. BeachBall it turns out has a lightsaber built into one arm and a shitload of weapons in the other. Kam faces off against Wiggles' replacement and quickly kills him. Another flunky grabs the twins, but Rayf yanks them away from him using the Force, allowing Leia to blast the flunky.
Again, why are all these Jedi using blasters?? Guess they're not nearly as random or clumsy as Obi-Wan thought.
Leia sends Rayf to Luke's room where Vima has finally gotten around to trying to heal Jem. She finally dies (Jem, not Vima), and her body evaporates. Really? So Padawans can do it too now?
Anyway, the few surviving flunkies call in the big guns, and a swarm of AT-AT transports start to converge. However, Mama Skywalker didn't give birth to no dummies before dying, and hidden weapons break from cover all over the area. Kam tells Luke that they've already taken out all their ships, and Luke replies that "They masked their thoughts...I never sensed their approach!"
Again, REALLY? These same transports that made Echo Base shake from several miles away, and you didn't detect them in time? Seriously? Is Dark Empire Luke one step away from being a functional fucking retard??
Again, why are all these Jedi using blasters?? Guess they're not nearly as random or clumsy as Obi-Wan thought.
Leia sends Rayf to Luke's room where Vima has finally gotten around to trying to heal Jem. She finally dies (Jem, not Vima), and her body evaporates. Really? So Padawans can do it too now?
Anyway, the few surviving flunkies call in the big guns, and a swarm of AT-AT transports start to converge. However, Mama Skywalker didn't give birth to no dummies before dying, and hidden weapons break from cover all over the area. Kam tells Luke that they've already taken out all their ships, and Luke replies that "They masked their thoughts...I never sensed their approach!"
Again, REALLY? These same transports that made Echo Base shake from several miles away, and you didn't detect them in time? Seriously? Is Dark Empire Luke one step away from being a functional fucking retard??
They make a run for it, Kam grabbing Vima on his way past, which she spends a panel complaining about. At this point, the Falcon returns along with the smuggler ships carrying Lando's surviving forces, and accopanied by a squadron of X-Wings which I guess were just in the area. The ships open fire on the AT-AT's, handily taking them down. The ships land to pick up the survivors, and take off again just as quickly.
They arrive at the Nespis spaceport, and Leia begins having contractions. Threepio comments that making a droid is easier than making babies, and Artoo asks him for the millionth time what kind of prancing faggot is he?
Turns out that Mon Mothma and Akbar got away just in time, and Han whisks Leia away to give birth. Luke, Rayf, Kam, and BeachBall say a few nice words about Jem, thenAkbar Han arrives to tell them that it's a trapboy (couldn't resist, sorry).
They introduce everyone to Anakin Solo. Threepio tells Artoo he was worrying over nothing, and Artoo asks him "WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU MINCING PANSY FREAK??"
And so ends Dark Empire II...with the biggest whimper in Star Wars EU history. Seriously. That's the end. Whoop-de-fuck. There wasn't even any more stupid art to share.
They arrive at the Nespis spaceport, and Leia begins having contractions. Threepio comments that making a droid is easier than making babies, and Artoo asks him for the millionth time what kind of prancing faggot is he?
Turns out that Mon Mothma and Akbar got away just in time, and Han whisks Leia away to give birth. Luke, Rayf, Kam, and BeachBall say a few nice words about Jem, then
They introduce everyone to Anakin Solo. Threepio tells Artoo he was worrying over nothing, and Artoo asks him "WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU MINCING PANSY FREAK??"
And so ends Dark Empire II...with the biggest whimper in Star Wars EU history. Seriously. That's the end. Whoop-de-fuck. There wasn't even any more stupid art to share.
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