So the story opens with a fellow named Kueller...
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| Who will henceforth be referred to as "Darth Skeletor". |
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AKA The Most Adorable Dark Sider In The Universe |
And I already have a problem: QUESTION! If this is a Dark Side ability, why in the bloody blue hell didn't the Emperor use it? I'll spoil this right now and say that Skeletor doesn't have a Death Star, but you know who did?? And the destruction of Alderaan alone should've lit Palpatine up like a damn Christmas tree for decades.
But I'm getting sidetracked. The two of them plot for a little bit about how they'll kill Luke, because....well, EEEEEVIL!!
Hey, let's see what Luke is up to! Actually, not much. At the moment he's showing off for his latest batch of students, but in actuality he's boring them to the point of tears. He's doing a handstand and levitating some rocks and R2. He's keeping an eye on the students and resolves to levitate the first one that yawns, when a massive wave of terror washes over him, he collapses, dropping everything. He recalls Ben's words from way back when and asks himself if another Death Star could be responsible. He resolves to head to Coruscant.
Over on Coruscant, Leia is getting ready to address the senate, and for some reason she's dressed up like she was in ANH. Mon Mothma is there and curious as to what's bothering Leia, then answers her own question. Apparently, several new members elected to the Senate are former Imperial officers. However they put some rules in place: No former governors, stormtroopers, or pretty much anyone who held any major position of power.
As she prepares to go give her equivalent to the State of the Union address, the wave of screams hits her, except she also is greeted by a vision of
a white face with black, empty eyes. The face was concave, almost skeletal, like the death masks she had seen in a museum on Alderaan in her youth. Only, unlike them, this one moved. It smiled, and the cold grew deeper.Uh, let's take one more look at Darth Skeletor, shall we?
1. Not white.
2. Eyes not black.
3. How the fuck would it smile?
She calls the academy, and they patch her through to Luke's X-Wing. She asks him what happened, and the only way he can describe it is "Alderaan", and tells her that he's on his way. She considers putting off her opening speech, then decides not to. She tells Mon Mothma to have Ackbar to start scanning for anything unusual like a Death Star, Sun Crusher, or whatnot.
So let's fulfill our quota by checking in on the remaining member of the big three. Han is sitting in the casino where he "won" the "planet" Dathomir, and is watching a Gotal shed all over the place while it's bluffing in a game of Sabacc. He notes that the dealer droids are more aggressive now, because it kicked the shit out of an unruly player.
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| I'm not entirely sure as to the mechanics of how. |
Anyway, Han is there drinking with an old buddy of his named Jarril (picture unavailable). We get a brief description of the rest of him, but Han is entranced with his hands.
Han had always envied Jarril's hands, though. They were smuggler's hands, with long, thin, tapered fingers, perfect for piloting, blasting, and those forms of gambling that required dexterity.
Um. Kaaaaaaaay. Oh, and he's also wearing new clothes, which is a rare thing for him apparently. He tells Han he has an opportunity he wants to cut Han in on for scads of cash. Han states he's not interested. Jarril counters that he has nothing to do while Leia "runs her own private empire" which is enough for Han to threaten to punch him. Jarril backs down and admits that something is very wrong with this. Apparently, a place called Smuggler's Run is virtually swimming in credits, but smugglers there are starting to disappear. Jarril wants Han and Chewie to take a little unofficial look to see what's happening. But under so circumstance can the look be legit, the mere thought of it makes Jarril nearly crap his pants in terror. Han asks why him instead of Lando, Talon Karrde, or Mara Jade?
Jarril responds that Karrde wants nothing to do with this thing, Mara is with Lando (don't ask, it was something that took Timothy Zahn to fix), and Lando apparently has some beef with someone named "Nandreeson", who is, for lack of a better term, a space-dragon.
No, really.
You still don't believe me, do you?
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| Just remember: No matter how stupid something in the Star Wars Expanded Universe is, there is always something dumber. |
Han asks Jarril why he isn't looking into it, and is told that Jarril is way too deeply involved in what's going on.
Elsewhere, Threepio is standing around being fey, and is covered in the Solo children's breakfast after a food fight broke out. He's waiting for Winter to get them calmed down, and then she plans on helping him get cleaned up. But in the meantime, a nanny droid rolls up, and states that she is Threepio's replacement for caring for the children because, and I swear I am not making this dialog up:
"You have no synthetic flesh, no hug circuitry, and, quite frankly, my dear, you are out-of-date."Yes, that's right. Hug circuitry.
Excuse me for a moment.
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| Yes. It has blasters, and nipples built right into its arms. What. The. Christ. Also, breasts?? |
Threepio argues with the droid for a bit, then Winter comes out and denies anyone in the household ordering anything of the kind. The nanny droid responds that it was ordered using "instruction code Bantha Four Five Six". And then the truth comes out: Because Threepio stopped reading "The Little Lost Bantha Cub", Anakin essentially stole Han and Leia's credit card and ordered a replacement for him. Jacen and Jaina get pissy because no one was supposed to know they had access to it, then they all go pale and start shrieking
Back on Almania, Darth Skeletor is meeting his accomplice Femon who apparently paints her face in a crude approximation of his own death mask.
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| Like this, but more EEEEEEEEVILLLL!!!! |
He confirms with her that Brakiss left, and asks for a report from a place called Pydyr, and is told that a thousand people are under house arrest currently. Also, they killed precisely one million, six hundred and fifty-one thousand, three hundred and five people, which was apparently an exact number they were shooting for. Skeletor starts stroking her face and reminiscing about nightmares he sent her through the Force. Because he's classy like that.
Back on Coruscant, Leia is entering the Senate Hall, takes note of one of the new former Imperials named Meido (who she thinks she vaguely remembers in some capacity), starts her speech..and that's when the joint blows up. Leia flies about fifty feet before crashing down, temporarily deafened by the blast, grabs a dead guard's gun, and starts trying to find her way out. She sees that some of her friends in the Senate are now dead just as emergency crews start storming the place to get the survivors out.
So the shockwave from the Senate explosion just hit the bar Han and Jarril are in, and everyone inside is panicking that there's an earthquake, which sucks because this bar is 6 feet underground for some reason. And pardon me while I sperg for a minute.
On top of that, no matter how far the bar is from the Senate building, if the shockwave was big enough to travel several kilometers, the blast would have to be much bigger, in fact it would have to collapse the entire senate and kill everyone inside. Instead, many of the people inside the building are quite alive, including Leia. We're talking 9/11 levels of damage here.
*sigh* So anyway, some creature called an Oodoc, a creature so useless that zero creepy fanart of it exists according to a fast GIS, is trying to keep people inside the underground bar because it thinks it's safer. Han, showing that he's been taking diplomacy lessons from Leia again shoots the lock on the door, which then ricochets and hits the Oodoc in the back, pissing it off. Han makes for a turbolift (For six feet under? Really? Gosh the people who built this seedy bar were considerate of the handicapped!), and upon reaching the surface cannot spot anything that would've caused that kind of shockwave. Then from the surface of the planet, Han "Eagle Eyed" Solo spots medical teams racing in the direction of the Palace. He starts chasing after them, seeing that they've altered course to the Senate Hall. Han spares a moment to wonder why there haven't been any further explosions/blasts/aftershocks, then spots the dead and dying spread out across a lawn which the author has willed into existence in front of the Senate. He spots Mon Mothma, stops to ask her if she's seen Leia, she tells him she hasn't, and he takes off again. He enters the Hall, thinks that this blast is bigger than any he's seen on a planet (Forgetting Endor already, Han?), and spots Leia trying to rescue something called a Llewebum...which I'm assuming comes from the Planet of the Welsh.
Han has to virtually wrestle Leia away from dragging out any more survivors, eventually a medical droid tells Han that Leia can't hear a damned thing, and neither can any of the survivors who had eardrums. Eventually she starts reading Han's lips or something and immediately starts blaming the former Imperials now serving on the Senate. Because Imperials are known for kamikaze suicide bombings.
Elsewhere, Jarril's making a run for his ship, the Spicy Lady, and a GIS pulls up nothing but various Star Wars images, a chipotle barbeque, and Lady Gaga with sparklers on her tits. Suffice to say, it apparently looks like the bastard offspring of the Falcon and an A-Wing fighter. After he takes off, a pair of Stormtroopers come up behind him. Actually, they're not Stormtroopers, they're just wearing some of their armor that Jarril was apparently carrying around. For some reason. And they shoot him off camera. Farewell Jarril, we barely knew ye, and quite frankly didn't really give two shits about you either.
So let's go check on Luke. He's just got to the medcenter, and Anakin has attached himself to Luke's leg. Jaina and Jacen join their little brother quickly, and they quickly tell Luke that they think they're the ones who set off the explosion via their response to the wave of death that hit all of the Jedi in the galaxy shortly before the blast. Apparently, because the sensation was ice cold, they responded by uniting their power and heating up the room...and Luke thinks that was a brilliant idea. For some reason. I for one am glad that he simply tricked everyone into making him the Space Pope.
Luke promises the kiddies that they didn't blow up their mother, and I have to quote this simply for the irony:
He takes them into their mother's hospital room, and despite her status as Head of State, she's refused to accept a private room apparently. Han fills Luke in on the fact that Leia is stone deaf at the moment, and we get the official numbers on the bombing: 25 dead, 100 seriously wounded, and another hundred with superficial wounds. That's not including droids, because, you know, fuck droids.
Leia goes on with her "The Imperials did it!" schtick, Han tells Luke that he thinks Jarril may have had some connection seeing as he's disappeared. Leia continues to go all weepy about the Imperials, but Luke, Han, and Chewie decide to ignore her. Han thinks that they need to follow the money. Before anyone does anything though, Luke tells them he's gonna go try some Jedi hoodoo to see if he can find some answers.
How about we go check in on everyone's favorite bickering gay married couple? Threepio and Artoo are going to see Luke's X-Wing, because apparently somebody is doing something to it. They pass through a door and spot the authors newest idiotic race, a group of Kloperians. Again, GIS has failed me, so let's see how the author describes them:
So, uh, I guess they look like the bastard children of ET and an octopus.
Artoo gets pissy that they're performing routine maintenance on the X-Wing, getting the attention of one of the Kloperians, who decides to lock them up.
What's Darth Skeletor been up to? He's now on a planet called Pydyr, and hates it because the heat is making him sweat, and the sweat is causing his mask to not adhere to his face properly...again showing that it's a far cry from the helmet looking thing that is "canon". We also find out that he's been putting his soldiers in stormtrooper armor for dramatic effect. Not because it provides protection, or because he found a warehouse full of it, no. They are wearing it because it arouses fear.
Eventually, Lando finds a camera with a view of Jarril's dead body. He feels a twinge of remorse for an old friend, and wonders what happened to Jarril's sidekick, a Sullustan named Seluss. As he keeps checking out his dead buddy's stuff, he finally spots a stormtrooper helmet "banging off one wall and ricocheting into another like a puck in null hockey".
Really?
Lando then decides to finish slaving his buddy's ship to his, take it to his Kessel operation (is that the one with the mining, or the droid smashing?) and loot it for all its worth investigate a little further.
Oh, grow up. They are in a literal closet. The Kloperians shoved them into one while they checked their identities. One of them comes to let them out, states they were trespassing, and if they show up unescorted or without clearance again, they'll be scrapped no matter who owns them. As it is, they've agreed to let them see Luke's X-Wing. Which has been completely torn apart, the Kloperian explains that whatever maintenance Luke's been doing on it is no substitute for a total tear down and rebuild.
Artoo gets all mopey about it because the Kloperians have mucked up his ass groove, and also because they're going to wipe the ship's memory. So Artoo steals the SD cards that contain it. As they leave Artoo whines that the X-Wing is dead, and that maybe there's a conspiracy afoot!
Over in her quarters, Leia is listening to Han asking for a week away so he can look into whatever Jarril was trying to warn him about. Leia continues to go on about how it had to be the Imperials. Eventually they both agree that it's weird that there hasn't been any more attacks and that no one has taken credit for the bombing. Leia tentatively agrees and suggests that Winter take the kids back to Anoth so that they'll be secure. For the record, Anoth is a supposedly secret world that the Empire fucking invaded when Anakin was a baby.
Over on Kessel, Lando is rooting around in Jarril's ship. And instead of removing the corpse from the crime scene, Lando's decided to leave it in the cockpit for the time being because he's still in his good clothes. Oh, and this is despite the fact that Lando owed Jarril his life. What a guy, am I right?
Among the items Lando finds besides the stormtrooper helmet are a glove, a laser cannon, parts of a sensor jammer, power cells and schematics for AT-AT cannons (Wait, why wouldn't they just draw power from the engines? My brain is starting to hurt.), and a bunch of needles that attach to an interrogator droid. Lando reminisces a bit about how Jarril helped Lando sneak away from Nandreeson the Space Dragon. Then he starts feeling guilty about letting Han get frozen. He then goes to take a look at Jarril's corpse, sees that he was killed at close range, and decides to check the ship's log, which has been wiped. But whoever wiped the log forgot to clear cookies and left Jarril's address book. Apparently the three that jump out at Lando was one on a planet called Fwatna for someone named Dolph, someone on Dathomir, and another on Almania. Lando's able to do some hacking/slicing, and finds a copy of a message to his Almanian contact:
Lando forwards the message to his ship, and decides to call Han to find out what the fuck is going on.
Luke meanwhile is brooding over Brakiss. Y'see, he was an Imperial plant in the Academy who Luke thought he could change back to the Light Side, until he gave Brakiss his equivalent of Yoda's Dark Side cave, scared Brakiss shitless, and Brakiss ran off Yavin crying like a little girl.
Apparently Luke figured he'd see Brakiss again, he's just pissed that it had to be this way. Threepio and Artoo interrupt his Jedi-angst with the news about his X-wing being operated on. Artoo hands Luke the SD cards from the X-wing, and Luke gets even more pissed because all he authorized was having the tires rotated and some stem lube. Luke sends Threepio to go tell Leia what happened, and takes Artoo back to the maintenance bays.
So Leia has the Inner Council meet in a dining hall which is also still full of Palpatine's junk. Seriously, what the fuck have the cleaning crews been doing since they took back Coruscant? Anyway, aside from Fey'lya, she's allies with pretty much everyone on the Inner Council for the moment. The big issue is what to do seeing as there are many areas now without proper representation. Leia is worried about holding elections because it could bring in more former Imperials (Hey, weren't you an Imperial Senator yourself, lady???), and then she spends more time comparing the bombing to Alderaan.
Over on Almania, Skeletor's sidekickFemon Evil-Lyn is thinking about her backstory, how her family had been wiped out by the Eye of Palpatine (See Children of the Jedi for info on the ship...except the Eye NEVER BLEW UP ANYTHING), and she for one is sick of all these Star Wars. As far as she's concerned the Republic should have just wiped out all the former Imperials. Which is why she hooked up with Skeletor. However, she's become disillusioned because Skeletor won't just wipe everyone out, and wants to toy with Luke and Leia first. So she starts planning to take him out.
So Luke and Artoo have made their way to the maintenance area, and are intercepted by a young man who's apparently an intern to the Kloperians. He tells Luke that this is a restricted area. Luke replies that Orders and Requisitions sent him to find his X-Wing which is not supposed to be in this area. The kid replies that Luke would then have to take that up with Orders and Requisitions. Apparently, the bureaucracy department was already full of interns. He goes on to tell Luke that the orders to refit all X-Wings came direct from General Antilles office, so Luke asks where the hell Wedge is at. The kid is all flustered at Luke's familiarity, and Luke can't help but brag that he and Wedge hung out at the battle of Yavin, oh and by the way, he's Luke Fucking Skywalker, so he'd kindly like his goddamned X-Wing back. The kid promptly shits his pants, and tells Luke that if he'd said something sooner, the kid would've pulled strings, because unpaid interns have that kind of magical capability.
As the intern takes Luke towards his X-Wing, he explains that the rebuild order calls for the X-Wing's internal computers to be combined with an astromech into one complete unit that's built right into the fighter. When Luke sees what they've done to his fighter, he damn near chops the kid in half, checks himself, and tells him he wants it put back together now. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast, now. The kid tells him flat out it can't be done, the soonest he could have it back in it's original shape would be the next day, even if Luke talked to Wedge. The kid tells Luke the only option Luke has is to take one of the newly refurbished X-Wings, and leave Artoo behind. An idea which Luke hates. Luke tells the kid that Artoo will help him reassemble the X-Wing, and that even if he's extremely outdated, he is to be accorded the same respect this little snot would give Leia, Luke, or Wedge. At that point, Luke thinks to ask him his name. The intern tells him his name is Cole Fardreamer, which is apparently a Tattooinian name. Also, he never shows up again in the EU, and is such a useless character that there is exactly one piece of fanart that I could find with that name. And as far as I'm concerned, this is now canon and needs to be added to his Wookiepedia entry:
Furdreamer then goes on about how he grew up hearing about Luke Skywalker and wanted to grow up and be a Jedi...just like you!! And then he tells Luke again that he could get the fighter ready by the same time tomorrow, but Luke tells Furdreamer that he's on a tight schedule.
Hey, anyone else notice a distinct lack of rebellion in this New Rebellion? Just a thought.
Anyway, we're back at Luke. He spots Brakiss's protocol droid. Turns out this 9P0 sounds like Threepio if he took a big bowl of Xanax. The droid instructs Luke to follow it, and as Luke does so he reflects at being able to detect someone else through the Force briefly.
Yes friends, Luke can now detect other people dozens of systems away if they call someone elsewhere in a massive facility.
Luke walks past a set of droid eyes that turn on as he passes, and Ninepio tells him that those eyes have motion detectors built in, as well as body heat indicators. Luke asks what use they would be to races that don't have body heat like Verpine or Space Dragons, and Ninepio responds that those races would find them useful in detecting intruders. As they pass by, Luke sees things moving in the back of the eyes as they speak, and Luke can't help but think what a stupid idea putting listening devices in eyes is.
The droid minces (yes, those are the author's exact words, thereby confirming that all protocol droids are flaming homosexuals) towards the assembly room, and tells him that it is not allowed inside. So Luke goes in solo, and quickly spots Brakiss who has dressed for the occaision in a silver uniform and matching boots and lightsaber. A blonde man wearing a silver outfit...why does that ensemble sound so familiar?
Brakiss gets defensive about his mother, worried that Luke hurt her. Luke denies it, and tells Brakiss that his mother is worried about him. Brakiss says that's bullshit, because he blames his mother for handing him over to the Empire. Then Brakiss brags that he's the only member of the Empire to outwit Luke, and Luke decides not to call him on that particular piece of bullshit. Brakiss goes on that he's not with the Empire anymore because the Empire no longer exists in any practical sense.
Luke finally cuts in and tells Brakiss that he had a talent in the Force that needs nuturing, not hatred and the dark side. Brakiss claims that he no longer uses the Force...and Luke points out that if that's true, why the fuck is he carrying a lightsaber? Finally, Luke just cuts to the chase and asks Brakiss what his connection to the Senate bombing and the wave of death that happened before that is. Brakiss sidesteps it by reaffirming that he's not with the Empire. Luke forces the issue, stating that Brakiss should help him because there's still good in him like there was in Vader. And that's when Brakiss starts sobbing like a little girl. Well, almost.
Back on Coruscant, if you remember, Cole Furdreamer and Artoo were just accosted by a group of security guards as he was looking for bombs planted in all the new X-wings. Underthe gun, Cole lies and says that Luke authorized him to check the X-Wing's computer. He then tells the guards about the bomb with the Imperial logo on it. A Mon Cal guard claims that although the Empire was big on brand recognition, they generally didn't go advertising terrorist attacks. A Kloperian guard asks Cole who hired him to sabotage the fighters, and then accuses Luke of all people of orchestrating sabotage.
The other guards tell the Kloperian to shut the fuck up, because no one buys that the scourge of Death Star I and former leader of Rogue Squadron would conspire to blow up anybody. Meanwhile, Artoo starts moving slowly away, trying not to be noticed. The guards aren't sure who to believe exactly, so Cole tells them to call Wedge. The Kloperian continues to insist that Cole and Luke are trying to blow up the Republic's fighter squadrons, when one of the other guards finally notices Artoo trying to make a run for it. So the Kloperian shoots him three times. And that's when we discover that whiny-ness is something that all native Tattooinians have.
Over on Smuggler's Run, Han just bought three blasters and a speeder bike from the Jawas. Han's cunning plan is to use the bike as a distraction while Chewie blasts his way to the Falcon with Fabio. To cover their asses, Han gives Fabio the most damaged looking blaster, to accompany the one he already has, Han takes an extra one as well, and Chewie has the last one plus his bowcaster. So hand jets out into the landing bay, towards the Falcon which the Space Dragons have surrounded. Han takes the controls in one hand, and fires with the other. He dodges some fire breath, tries to ram another Space Dragon, and manages to land a blaster shot into another Space Dragon's mouth, which is apparently their only weak spot because their scales repel blasters....oh GET YOUR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS OUT OF MY FUCKING STAR WARS!!!
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Fabio and Chewie sneak up behind the other Space Dragons and get the drop on them. Apparently, they are not immune to a bowcaster. Han manages to leap off the careening bike and does a neat tuck and roll onto the Falcon's boarding ramp, Fabio hauls him inside. Han insists that he needs to find Seuss before they go anywhere, shouts at Chewie to find him, but gets no response. Han turns and finds that Iisner was inside the Falcon, has tied up Seuss, and has them all at blasterpoint now. Seuss meanwhile is squeaking out that it's not his fault.
Now, Leia's running towards the makeshift inner council chamber which has been relocated to the Emperor's Ballroom.
Oh, snap! The other members of the Inner Council are getting antsy, and pointing out to Meido that Han is a fucking hero, so Meido better make his point.
Meido first points out that Leia wasn't seriously injured. Leia responds that neither was he or a hundred other senators. Another council member flat out tells Meido to shut the hell up, because he has no fucking idea the shitstorm that will be brought down on him. In response, Meido slowly goes pale, and hands out copies of the message that Lando found on Jarril's ship.
Leia briefly considers the idea that Lando betrayed her again, and then realizes that now she's being stupid. The rest of the acknowledges that while not proof of Han's involvement, the message is suspicious and deserves careful examination. Meido continues to insist that Han is a traitor based on one message.
Chewie then tears open the door, which falls on Iisner, who then breathes fire all over the obstacle in his path, which is also laying on top of him. Chewie then shows as much intelligence by standing on top of the red hot-glowing door to pin the Space Dragon down.
Eventually, Iisner stops breathing flame, Han walks over, careful not to step on the hot deck plates because he just bought these boots, and takes his gun. Iisner then asks Han if he would be good enough to have Chewie stop crushing him, then starts breathing fire again. For some reason, Han agrees. Chewie takes Seuss to the storage lockers to get some burn ointment, and Iisner crawls out from under the door, having achieved a delicious looking grill pattern from the red hot deckplates he was laying on. Han then asks him what Nandreeson really wants. Iisner then admits they wanted to use Han as bait, but now he really needs a bath (seriously. I dare you to disprove that line.) Han then asks who's behind the influx of credits on the Run, and Iisner admits that the Space Dragons are not, and Nandreeson hates it.
Back at the ruins of the Senate Hall, Threepio and Artoo are out for a late night stroll. Well, not so much a late night stroll, so much as Artoo wants into the ruins. Artoo goes in, while Threepio waits outside and exchanges insults with him until Artoo calls that he found something. Another detonator with Imperial markings. But Artoo is still digging. He wants to know what the detonators were planted in.
So in the fashion of the old Republic serials (Pun not intended), Luke had managed to eject out of his booby-trapped X-Wing just in time. Well, not eject. He popped the canopy and jumped out. The story makes it sound like he was only a few dozen feet up instead of the thousands it must have actually been. Luke tries to cushion his landing with the Force, and only partially succeeds, ending up with a shattered left ankle, and several broken ribs. Still, could've been worse considering. Oh. And he's on fire. Instead of stopping, dropping, and rolling, Luke decides to stand bolt upright and trying to rip the flaming flightsuit off of himself. Yes. On a broken ankle. Try it at home and see how it works out.
Luke decides to limp into one of the empty houses and loot it for a first-aid kit. He notices that all the artificial skin has burned off his right hand, so now he bears a striking resemblance to his old man. He spends some time thinking of how alone he is in this situation, and how even on the Eye of Palpatine he had a cyber-girlfriend. Luckily the first house he enters has a bunch of canes inside, so he's able to stop walking on the broken goddamned ankle. No wonder you're alone here buddy, you've been screaming with each alternate step! You're scaring people away, ya freak!
Luke finds the water faucet and starts chugging water for some reason. Are burn victims thirsty? I have no idea. He finds a personal computer tied into the house's systems and asks if they have a medkit. The computer responds that there should be a medical droid, and Luke realizes that not only are there no people, there's no droids either. Eventually, he gets the first aid kit, squirts burn ointment all over his back, and builds a splint for his ankle. Luke then gets a whiff of a presence, and demands it show itself, but gets no response.
Back on Smuggler's Run, Han lands on Skip One, and Chewie points out the Lady Luck. Other smugglers are stripping it down, which tells Han that Nandreeson has Lando.
On Almania, Darth Skeletor is now sitting in his control room, using remote cameras to survey the crashed wreckage of Luke's X-Wing. He tells one of his flunkies to get Leia on the vidphone, and to tell her that it's about her brother. And then Skeletor thinks to himself that with Luke injured, he might get him to turn to the Dark Side.
On Coruscant, Leia is supervising the effort to contact all the refitted X-wings and get them grounded ASAP. She's also still steaming about the no-confidence vote, and planning the speech she plans to give beforehand. One of her people comes over and tells her there's a call for her, and she opts to take it in front of everyone. Just to prove she has nothing to hide, despite what Meido says. The signal takes awhile to appear, and Ackbar comments that it must be a very long-distance call, thank god it's not collect, amirite? Leia feels uneasy, but wonders who it is....
Leia reacts in shock to the skull-like face she recognizes from the initial wave of death that hit her at the start of the book.
One moment.
Leia's in her office, panicked that maybe Han was on the planet Auyemesh, which they've figured out is the one Skeletor wiped out. She keeps telling herself it was too far away from Smuggler's Run, and Han was supposed to call when he left the Run. No one is answering calls on Pydyr, and if they try calling Almania, they just get an image of Skeletor's face.
Han's other "buddies" are bitching about having to do this, with Sinewy Blue being the only one on Han's side. Eventually, they all jump into a mudhole, and pop out above some kind of Space Dragon swamp. They quickly get their bearings, go around a corner, and enter....THE HOT TUB OF THE SPACE DRAGONS!!
Nandreeson briefly greets Han, then orders the other Space Dragons to use their fire breath. Han and the others duck under the water. When they surface, Nandreeson can't help but gloat that he gets to kill "The princess's consort". And it turns out that Han's got horrible taste in "buddies" still, because they've all turned their guns on him. And Nandreeson gives the order to open fire.
On Pydyr, Luke finds something called a healing stick, which is apparently better than a bacta tank.
So after Luke has rubbed his burned-to-a-crisp back with a oversized styptic, he gets the hoodoos through the Force. All he knows is that the feeling is familiar, and its the same one he picked up coming from Almania. He also thinks that whoever he's facing is packing almost as much power as P-Spliffy was. As he exits the house, he comes face to face with Darth Skeletor, as Luke finally recognizes his aura as belonging to a former student named Dolph.
Skeletor expresses mild surprise that Luke was able to recognize him, and tells Luke that he no longer goes by that name. Luke considers how and why Dolph left the academy, and tells him that he left before Luke had a chance to give him his condolences over the deaths of his family. Skeletor has no patience for such things though.
Skeletor continues about how he swore vengeance on the Je'har, and now he's stronger than Luke. Luke asks what the fuck that has to do with anyone else. Skeletor responds that Leia's government condoned the Je'har's actions, trading openly with them, and treating them as a legitimate government "instead of as the terrorists they were".
Luke, however, goes the high road and asks what the difference is between the Je'har and Skeletor now. Also, he keeps calling him Dolph. Luke offers to take him back to Yavin to help "heal the wounds on his heart". Skeletor laughs it off, saying that under him no one like the Je'har will rise again.
Ok that's it, I'm calling a TIME FUCKING OUT.
Figured it out yet?
Yeah, it's a stable. And the lone other occupant woke up.
So this thing is drooling as it approaches Luke. And Luke does the one thing you never do with an unfamiliar animal, he makes eye contact. So it grabs him with its mouth and bites down hard.
With a whiplash change to Skeletor's POV we learn is called a thernbee. Fuck. He orders that the stable be guarded at all times, and his new second Yanne comments that its unnecessary. Apparently Skeletor likes him because he's a naysayer. Yanne goes on to comment as to how the thernbee is going to break each of Luke's bones one at a time before killing him.
Skeletor tells him that he knows how the fucking thing works, but he still wants a guard. No, actually 4. Yanne goes on about how it's a total waste of manpower because he's heard things, man. Skeletor simply states that he is preparing for every eventuality, even the possibly idiotic idea of Luke beating this thing. Yanne comments that no man is that powerful, and gets a big old glare from Skeletor.
Back on Coruscant, Furdreamer is trying to convince Artoo to wait before they steal a freighter to go whereever the fuck they're going. Furdreamer tries to call Wedge, but gets his answering service. He tries to call Leia, just to get the news about her resignation. So he tries to call Mon Mothma, and gets put in queue, with an estimated wait time of who-knows-when? Threepio sighs and comments that he wishes he'd never gone with Artoo.
Damn, that's cold. So now he tries calling Ackbar, but also gets his voicemail. Time out. Ok, I can believe him having Wedge's number. I can possibly believe him having Leia's number. But Mon Mothma and Ackbar's?? Anyway, it's at that point where he decides to go for broke and steal the freighter. Cole tells Threepio that he's coming because he needs Leia's codes to get out. Threepio then quotes himself.
Chewie and Blue are piloting Nandreeson's ship back to the Falcon, Lando's having a nap, and Han is brooding over how his buddies all betrayed him. Lando wakes up and tells Han that Kid and Zeen were never Han's friends, in fact they despised him for his morals, that he held a mirror up to their dirty, ugly, hate-filled lives. Lando goes on that he never hated Han, but he sure felt ashamed of himself sometimes. Lando then fights off a charlie horse, causing Han to ask what the fuck he was thinking coming back to Smuggler's Run?? Lando explains that Han's being framed for the Senate Bombing, and that Jarril's dead. They spare a moment for their friend, and then Lando asks if Han has ever heard of Almania, and when Han says no, Lando comments that "When someone works hard to keep something hidden, it's usually something we need to find out about."
Speaking of Almania, Luke is trying to dodge all the teeth in the thernbee's mouth, and does a surprisingly good job, except that now the thing's tongue is slamming him against the roof of its mouth. So Luke grabs it by the soft palate and digs his nails in. That does the trick and the weird fucking thing spits him out hard. Then it swats him into the wall, leaving him with splinters the size of ginsu knives sticking out of his arms and burned to fuck back.
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| "A planet where Welsh evolved from men?" |
Elsewhere, Jarril's making a run for his ship, the Spicy Lady, and a GIS pulls up nothing but various Star Wars images, a chipotle barbeque, and Lady Gaga with sparklers on her tits. Suffice to say, it apparently looks like the bastard offspring of the Falcon and an A-Wing fighter. After he takes off, a pair of Stormtroopers come up behind him. Actually, they're not Stormtroopers, they're just wearing some of their armor that Jarril was apparently carrying around. For some reason. And they shoot him off camera. Farewell Jarril, we barely knew ye, and quite frankly didn't really give two shits about you either.
So let's go check on Luke. He's just got to the medcenter, and Anakin has attached himself to Luke's leg. Jaina and Jacen join their little brother quickly, and they quickly tell Luke that they think they're the ones who set off the explosion via their response to the wave of death that hit all of the Jedi in the galaxy shortly before the blast. Apparently, because the sensation was ice cold, they responded by uniting their power and heating up the room...and Luke thinks that was a brilliant idea. For some reason. I for one am glad that he simply tricked everyone into making him the Space Pope.
Luke promises the kiddies that they didn't blow up their mother, and I have to quote this simply for the irony:
"You promise, Uncle Luke?" Jacen asked. His voice was quivering too. He tried to be tough, just like his father, but beneath he was one of the most sensitive hearts Luke had ever met.
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| You just want to eat him up, don't you? |
Leia goes on with her "The Imperials did it!" schtick, Han tells Luke that he thinks Jarril may have had some connection seeing as he's disappeared. Leia continues to go all weepy about the Imperials, but Luke, Han, and Chewie decide to ignore her. Han thinks that they need to follow the money. Before anyone does anything though, Luke tells them he's gonna go try some Jedi hoodoo to see if he can find some answers.
How about we go check in on everyone's favorite bickering gay married couple? Threepio and Artoo are going to see Luke's X-Wing, because apparently somebody is doing something to it. They pass through a door and spot the authors newest idiotic race, a group of Kloperians. Again, GIS has failed me, so let's see how the author describes them:
Kloperians were short, squat gray creatures, with a series of tentacled limbs running along their sides like filaments. They had hands at the ends of many of the limbs. Their necks could extend as well.
Artoo gets pissy that they're performing routine maintenance on the X-Wing, getting the attention of one of the Kloperians, who decides to lock them up.
What's Darth Skeletor been up to? He's now on a planet called Pydyr, and hates it because the heat is making him sweat, and the sweat is causing his mask to not adhere to his face properly...again showing that it's a far cry from the helmet looking thing that is "canon". We also find out that he's been putting his soldiers in stormtrooper armor for dramatic effect. Not because it provides protection, or because he found a warehouse full of it, no. They are wearing it because it arouses fear.
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| I dunno about fear, but it's definitely doing some arousing here. |
Apparently, Skeletor just finished wiping out every sentient being on the planet so he could seize its wealth, but was without heavy damage to the buildings. His assistant Femon asks why the Emperor didn't do things this way, and Skeletor comments that he thinks the Emperor was more interested in wholesale destruction rather than the acquisition of power like himself. She goes on to state that they should begin the rest of their plan now, but Skeletor wants to wait for a few more days because "timing is everything". He further states that he's convinced that Leia survived the bombing, and he's going after her again.
Hey, you know who we haven't heard from in awhile? Let's see what kind of drunken antics Lando is up to! Apparently he just dropped off Mara so she could run an errand for Karrde (keeping in mind that this novel is set before Timothy "I'm gonna retcon the fuck out of this!" Zahn fixed certain aspects of the EU.) Lando spots what he thinks is the Falcon at first, but it's actually Jarril's ship. Lando, being Lando, slaves the Spicy Lady to his ship so he can take a peek inside without actually going on board and possibly crashing it into something, and upon accessing the internal camera systems...hang on, why would a ship used for smuggling not only have cameras, but a way for someone to access them externally to see inside your ship???
Hey, you know who we haven't heard from in awhile? Let's see what kind of drunken antics Lando is up to! Apparently he just dropped off Mara so she could run an errand for Karrde (keeping in mind that this novel is set before Timothy "I'm gonna retcon the fuck out of this!" Zahn fixed certain aspects of the EU.) Lando spots what he thinks is the Falcon at first, but it's actually Jarril's ship. Lando, being Lando, slaves the Spicy Lady to his ship so he can take a peek inside without actually going on board and possibly crashing it into something, and upon accessing the internal camera systems...hang on, why would a ship used for smuggling not only have cameras, but a way for someone to access them externally to see inside your ship???
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| Because the Hardy Boys didn't exist a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away? |
Eventually, Lando finds a camera with a view of Jarril's dead body. He feels a twinge of remorse for an old friend, and wonders what happened to Jarril's sidekick, a Sullustan named Seluss. As he keeps checking out his dead buddy's stuff, he finally spots a stormtrooper helmet "banging off one wall and ricocheting into another like a puck in null hockey".
Really?
Lando then decides to finish slaving his buddy's ship to his, take it to his Kessel operation (is that the one with the mining, or the droid smashing?) and
Back on Coruscant, the survivors of the Senate Bombing are now using the Emperor's Audience Chamber as...and I am not making this up...a buffet hall. Also, here's a question: Why, over a decade after his death, are they still calling it the Emperor's Audience Chamber? Shouldn't it just be the Republic Audience Chamber? The Chamber of Diplomancy?
Anyway, Leia's feeling pissed because the younger survivors are blaming her government for allowing the bombing. This feel familiar to anyone else? She wipes her hands on what amounts to a skort (which apparently existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away), and makes a little speech regarding the investigation of the bombing. Facing accusations of not doing enough to find survivors, Leia is surprised when a former Imperial collaborator that she's been suspicious of named Meido actually stands up for her. Leia goes on to state that all personnel who were in the Senate Hall, survivors or otherwise are being investigated. Meido asks if that includes her. One of Leia's stronger supporters just reiterates that everyone is being investigated.
Anyway, Leia's feeling pissed because the younger survivors are blaming her government for allowing the bombing. This feel familiar to anyone else? She wipes her hands on what amounts to a skort (which apparently existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away), and makes a little speech regarding the investigation of the bombing. Facing accusations of not doing enough to find survivors, Leia is surprised when a former Imperial collaborator that she's been suspicious of named Meido actually stands up for her. Leia goes on to state that all personnel who were in the Senate Hall, survivors or otherwise are being investigated. Meido asks if that includes her. One of Leia's stronger supporters just reiterates that everyone is being investigated.
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| Even YOU are being investigated! |
A bunch of the junior senators begin whining that they can't work together if they're being investigated, and are summarily smacked down by an older senator declaring that whoever set off the bomb probably did so to create tension and lock up the senate from being able to do anything. One of the senators continues on about how Leia should've been able to prevent the attack, and wants to know whether it was an attack aimed at her or the Senate. Leia responds that no matter if the bombing was aimed an individual, it then rolls over into an attack on the entire senate. Then she tells him to shut up and work with the rest of them. Or else.
Meido then suggests 2 investigations, implying that if Leia opposes the idea that she has something to hide. She proposes a vote, and while it's being readied, she thinks that the bombing affected her almost as much as the destruction of Alderaan.
Really??
As Leia tabulates the votes she realizes that the majority of her supporters were killed or injured in the blast. When she announces that the motion is passed, a bunch of the senators cheer in victory, which really pisses Leia off. She states that the next time anyone does anything like that again, she'll throw them out and won't let them play her reindeer games. She tells Meido that since it was his idea, then he can assemble the investigation. She then spends some time moping with the few of her supporters that remain about how the former Imperials are ruining all their fun.
Luke, meanwhile is in the ruins of the Senate Hall, trying to get a read on things. First of all he gets a sense of betrayal, that whatever happened was personal. Then he gets the impression that it wasn't one big blast, it'd been several smaller ones. He closes in on one of the blast points and gets a better reading on a presence. Yes friends, we're gonna see Brakiss again!
So Threepio and Artoo are in the closet.
Meido then suggests 2 investigations, implying that if Leia opposes the idea that she has something to hide. She proposes a vote, and while it's being readied, she thinks that the bombing affected her almost as much as the destruction of Alderaan.
Really??
As Leia tabulates the votes she realizes that the majority of her supporters were killed or injured in the blast. When she announces that the motion is passed, a bunch of the senators cheer in victory, which really pisses Leia off. She states that the next time anyone does anything like that again, she'll throw them out and won't let them play her reindeer games. She tells Meido that since it was his idea, then he can assemble the investigation. She then spends some time moping with the few of her supporters that remain about how the former Imperials are ruining all their fun.
Luke, meanwhile is in the ruins of the Senate Hall, trying to get a read on things. First of all he gets a sense of betrayal, that whatever happened was personal. Then he gets the impression that it wasn't one big blast, it'd been several smaller ones. He closes in on one of the blast points and gets a better reading on a presence. Yes friends, we're gonna see Brakiss again!
So Threepio and Artoo are in the closet.
Oh, grow up. They are in a literal closet. The Kloperians shoved them into one while they checked their identities. One of them comes to let them out, states they were trespassing, and if they show up unescorted or without clearance again, they'll be scrapped no matter who owns them. As it is, they've agreed to let them see Luke's X-Wing. Which has been completely torn apart, the Kloperian explains that whatever maintenance Luke's been doing on it is no substitute for a total tear down and rebuild.
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| "You say you've owned this car for twenty years, done careful maintenance on it, and it still runs? Sorry, but we need to completely gut it and rebuild it. You see, you're an amateur." |
Over in her quarters, Leia is listening to Han asking for a week away so he can look into whatever Jarril was trying to warn him about. Leia continues to go on about how it had to be the Imperials. Eventually they both agree that it's weird that there hasn't been any more attacks and that no one has taken credit for the bombing. Leia tentatively agrees and suggests that Winter take the kids back to Anoth so that they'll be secure. For the record, Anoth is a supposedly secret world that the Empire fucking invaded when Anakin was a baby.
Over on Kessel, Lando is rooting around in Jarril's ship. And instead of removing the corpse from the crime scene, Lando's decided to leave it in the cockpit for the time being because he's still in his good clothes. Oh, and this is despite the fact that Lando owed Jarril his life. What a guy, am I right?
Among the items Lando finds besides the stormtrooper helmet are a glove, a laser cannon, parts of a sensor jammer, power cells and schematics for AT-AT cannons (Wait, why wouldn't they just draw power from the engines? My brain is starting to hurt.), and a bunch of needles that attach to an interrogator droid. Lando reminisces a bit about how Jarril helped Lando sneak away from Nandreeson the Space Dragon. Then he starts feeling guilty about letting Han get frozen. He then goes to take a look at Jarril's corpse, sees that he was killed at close range, and decides to check the ship's log, which has been wiped. But whoever wiped the log forgot to clear cookies and left Jarril's address book. Apparently the three that jump out at Lando was one on a planet called Fwatna for someone named Dolph, someone on Dathomir, and another on Almania. Lando's able to do some hacking/slicing, and finds a copy of a message to his Almanian contact:
CARGO DELIVERED. FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR.
SOLO KNOWS. WE CAN COUNT ON HIS INVOLVEMENT.
Lando forwards the message to his ship, and decides to call Han to find out what the fuck is going on.
Luke meanwhile is brooding over Brakiss. Y'see, he was an Imperial plant in the Academy who Luke thought he could change back to the Light Side, until he gave Brakiss his equivalent of Yoda's Dark Side cave, scared Brakiss shitless, and Brakiss ran off Yavin crying like a little girl.
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| I can't stress the "little girl" part enough. |
Apparently Luke figured he'd see Brakiss again, he's just pissed that it had to be this way. Threepio and Artoo interrupt his Jedi-angst with the news about his X-wing being operated on. Artoo hands Luke the SD cards from the X-wing, and Luke gets even more pissed because all he authorized was having the tires rotated and some stem lube. Luke sends Threepio to go tell Leia what happened, and takes Artoo back to the maintenance bays.
So Leia has the Inner Council meet in a dining hall which is also still full of Palpatine's junk. Seriously, what the fuck have the cleaning crews been doing since they took back Coruscant? Anyway, aside from Fey'lya, she's allies with pretty much everyone on the Inner Council for the moment. The big issue is what to do seeing as there are many areas now without proper representation. Leia is worried about holding elections because it could bring in more former Imperials (Hey, weren't you an Imperial Senator yourself, lady???), and then she spends more time comparing the bombing to Alderaan.
Over on Almania, Skeletor's sidekick
So Luke and Artoo have made their way to the maintenance area, and are intercepted by a young man who's apparently an intern to the Kloperians. He tells Luke that this is a restricted area. Luke replies that Orders and Requisitions sent him to find his X-Wing which is not supposed to be in this area. The kid replies that Luke would then have to take that up with Orders and Requisitions. Apparently, the bureaucracy department was already full of interns. He goes on to tell Luke that the orders to refit all X-Wings came direct from General Antilles office, so Luke asks where the hell Wedge is at. The kid is all flustered at Luke's familiarity, and Luke can't help but brag that he and Wedge hung out at the battle of Yavin, oh and by the way, he's Luke Fucking Skywalker, so he'd kindly like his goddamned X-Wing back. The kid promptly shits his pants, and tells Luke that if he'd said something sooner, the kid would've pulled strings, because unpaid interns have that kind of magical capability.
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| This is the GIS result I got for "Magical Intern". Shows what you know, Google. He's a page. |
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| *snicker* |
Han and Chewie are landing in Smuggler's Run, which is actually a complex chain of asteroids, and each of the major ones is called a Skip. Got that? Han and Chewie then reflect on the smell of the asteroid which is a combination of sulfur, rancid meat, and rotting flesh that comes from some kind of ooze that the asteroid produces. Apparently, someone tried to block the flow one, nearly had the entire place blow up around them, and advised the people in charge to invest in a lifetime supply of Space-Febreeze. After Han lands the Falcon, he's greeted by a row of old friends, none of whom we've met before, and none of whom we ever meet again after this book.
Oh, and "Sinewy" isn't an adjective, that's actually her name. They tell Han that he's no friend, and they want to know how long before the Republic Task Force comes to arrest everyone. Han assures them that if he was going to turn them in, he would've done it a hell of a lot sooner. They tell Han that the place isn't the same as it used to be, and Han tells them that Jarril asked him to show. And since Seluss, who I will now refer to as Seuss because it's funnier dammit, tells Han that Jarril never came back. Chewie picks up Seuss who now bares a startling resemblance to an angry mouse, and Han reiterates he's there because Jarril told him there was trouble, and he wants to help. They reach a sort of agreement to hear Han out if Chewie puts Seuss down. So Chewie goes and drops the little rodent-thing into a pool of the ooze. Understandably pissed, it pulls its blaster and starts shooting.
Lando, short on malt liquor and having not crashed a ship in forever, can't sleep. When he tries to, he gets nightmares about Han asking him "What's going on....buddy?" over and over again. Apparently, he hasn't had that kind of nightmare since they thawed Han out. Lando has spent the last little bit trying to message everyone in authority he can think of to tell them about the email he got out of Jarril's log. Eventually, he decides to call Mara for some late night Lando-style flirting. Instead, Mara tells him about the bombing, which Lando hasn't heard about since he's been in a cave with his eyes closed, his hands over his ears, and singing "LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Naturally, Lando's guilt trip kicks into overdrive, and starts obsessively thinking about how he could've prevented an attack that he only had clues about after it happened.
Talon Karrde gets in on the conversation, and Lando asks him if he knows anything. Karrde tells him that there might be information on Smuggler's Run. Lando replies he can't go there because of the fucking death mark against him. Eventually, Lando signs off and decides to fly to Coruscant.
Kid DXo'ln, bald now, had taken Han on his first run to Kessel. Zeen Afit, his craggy face even more lined than Han remembered, had first brought Han and Chewie to the Run. Sinewy Ana Blue, looking more beautiful than ever, had run the sabacc games in which Han won a lot of credits. Wynni, the Wookiee who had tried to seduce Chewbacca on his first visit to Skip 1, looked exactly the same. And Seluss, the Sullustan who usually traveled with Jarril, clutched his blaster as if he couldn't wait to use it.
Talon Karrde gets in on the conversation, and Lando asks him if he knows anything. Karrde tells him that there might be information on Smuggler's Run. Lando replies he can't go there because of the fucking death mark against him. Eventually, Lando signs off and decides to fly to Coruscant.
Over on Almania, Skeletor is meeting with Evil-Lyn, who's removed all of her death mask face paint. She greets him by the name Dolph, which gets a small reaction from Skeletor. Apparently, she's given orders to prepare the next attack against his wishes. Skeletor tells one of his people that he is countermanding those orders, Evil-Lyn objects, but the guard doesn't give two shits because she doesn't sign his checks. She then talks about how all Skeletor seems to want is revenge on Luke. Skeletor replies that it is one of his goals, but he also intends to take over the galaxy as well. He asks her if she's ever read history books, she says no. Skeletor elaborates that "History...provides lessons. Lessons in living, lessons in dying. Lessons in the way this galaxy works." Evil-Lyn doesn't care. Skeletor asks her why he spent weeks torturing the Je'har rulers of Almania. She says he did it for information, he tells her he did it out of revenge, but now he has a better method. He gives Luke his due: that Luke is the most powerful man in the galaxy, at least, until Skeletor defeats him.
Evil-Lyn, sick of all the pontificating tries to flood the room with gas, but Skeletor grabs her with the Force, and holds her entire body stiffly except her neck and head. He states that he has to kill Luke because it is his destiny, and he must become the "sole king of the Force."
Evil-Lyn calls him a fool, so he snaps her neck with the Force.
Now, we're back at Han. So the little rodent-thing Seuss just opened fire, Han dives out of the way, but gets grazed on his ass, hits the wall, ricochets a few times and then hits some of that ooze where it ends. Han grabs his little rodent ass, starts berating him about proper trigger discipline, while the others try to calm him down. Eventually, they tell him they know he's okay, because he didn't just vaporize the little bastard in response to getting shot in the ass. Chewie personally thinks its funny as hell. As they go to the central area of the Skip, a bunch of other smugglers are holstering their blasters, which is apparently a sign that things have changed. I dunno, if I was packing and heard gunshots, I'd probably draw to make sure I wasn't gonna get shot first.
There's a loud sucking sound, and all the mist disappears. A jellyfish 3x bigger than the X-Wing shows up and starts stinging Luke, numbing his body all over and causing "rivulets of pain". Luke does some flailing with his lightsaber, which only pisses off the jellyfish, so Luke does the logical thing, and uses the force to set the fucker on fire. It explodes, raining its tendrils all over Luke. Ok, that was a brilliant fucking plan. Oh, and just before he blacks out, he realizes that the goop that made up the jellyfish's insides is corrosive.
On Coruscant, Leia is having a "me day". She's sprawled on her bed, all of her presidential vetoes and whatnot spread all hell to breakfast. Oh yeah, also the election results from the sectors that lost senators. Guess what? 85% of them elected FORMER IMPERIALS. Leia tries to rationalize that just because they lived in the Empire didn't mean that they would all vote the same way...ok, hang on a second. Lady, whether you like it or not, Alderaan was technically under Imperial rule. You and your old man were no more than puppets for Palpatine (note to self: "Puppets for Palpatine" would be a great band name) until he kicked your sorry asses to the curb. God damnit.
And of course, Leia is also all whiny about how the Senate is "a political body now, not a place of colleagues". Sounds like someone needs to break out some diplomacy. She then goes on an internal rant how the Imperials had to be behind the bombing, but then remembers that fear, anger, and hatred are what led her father to torture her repeatedly. Anyway, about then, Lando turns up, skips his usual opening flattery, demands to know where Han is. Leia tells him to slow down and tell her what's wrong, so Lando fills her in on Jarril's corpse and the message he found. Leia tells Lando that Han left looking for Jarril. Leia finally accepts that just maybe everyone else is right and the Empire probably had absolutely nothing to do with the goddamned bombing. Lando tells her the message was sent to Almania, which we then find out is so far away it makes Tatooine look like the corner store.
Leia tells Lando that Han was headed to Smuggler's Run, and Lando explains that the Space Dragons are out to get him. But then he resigns himself to saving his buddy's recently scorched ass.
Over in the maintenance bays, Cole Furdreamer and Artoo are busy trying to fix Luke's X-wing, and its a lot harder to put back together than take apart it turns out. We get a bit of his backstory on how he wanted to be just like Luke, but after realizing that he had no Jedi powers, he realized that his talents with machines were just as valuable to other people. Just like you! As he's taking apart part of the computer casing, he finds an Imperial insignia on a device he recognizes. A bomb that would've gone off if Luke had taken the X-Wing out.
So when we left Luke, he was covered in jellyfish goop, and possibly dying. Of course, we know he doesn't, but we like to pretend just to keep the suspense up. Now he wakes up to a kindly old grandmotherly woman who somehow affords her own personal bacta tank. Also, apparently the slime made him half deaf because he can only hear every other word she's saying, but apparently it wears off after an hour. She tells Luke he's damned lucky she was wearing her rain poncho and galoshes otherwise she wouldn't have been able to save his ass. She then explains that she stole most of the medical equipment she has from the Imperials when they packed up shop and left. Luke tells her that he's looking for someone, but she cuts him off and tells him to relax. In response, Luke uses the Force to kill the repulsors holding him a few inches off the bed (to spare him pain apparently), and once he hits the actual mattress, he has to keep from screaming. Bright man.
Luke then gets dressed, sufferring even further. Are we sure that Luke doesn't belong to Space Opus Dei?
He wanders into her living room, shocking the hell out of her, and she surprises him by telling him that she knows his name...because her son told her he'd be coming. Everyone, meet Mrs. Brakiss. Apparently when he was a toddler, the Empire took him away to educate him in their ways. Then she tells Luke that Brakiss wants to be found, so Luke should just go home. Because whatever Brakiss (and Kueller) have planned, it's some baaaad shit.
Han and Chewie get some sleeping quarters aboard Skip 1, which just happen to be festering with that smelly ooze. Chewie compains about the smell, and Han tells him to stuff it. Then they start searching for listening devices, finding three around the room, and another 4 more hidden in the ooze. Han then likens touching the ooze to touching Waru (From The Crystal Star, and we'll get to my interpretation of that POS eventually).
Han goes and dumps the bugs in an empty room, because that will in absolutely no way raise suspicions that he's onto the listeners, and when he gets back, Chewie has Seuss at gunpoint. Seuss tells Han that Jarril told him to shoot Han so that people would think that they were enemies, and then no one would try to follow Seuss. Uh, what? Han thinks it's dumb, but acknowledges that it's the dumb kind of thing Jarril would pull. Seuss elaborates on Jarril's earlier story, adding in that junked Imperial equipment is selling for massive profits, and anyone looking into it is ending up dead. Han asks what Seuss's plan is, is told that there is no plan, and in frustration Han tries to pistol whip Seuss. Seriously. This is waaaay beyond "Han Shooting First", this is some whole new weird area.
Han then accepts that he has to make a plan.
Back on Coruscant, Furdreamer is scuttling away from Luke's rigged X-Wing as fast as he can. On a hunch, he takes a look in a few other reconditioned fighters, and finds that they're rigged to blow as well. He then decides that he needs to check out the new models as well, he just needs to get around the problem of not being cleared to work on them. Apparently only the Kloperian techs have clearance for those. Artoo stands guard while Furdreamer confirms that the new ones are rigged too. And that's when the guards show up.
Ok, I promised it, so here we go...SPACE DRAGONS!
Nandreeson, the dragon who wants Lando dead, is sitting in his hot tub (seriously), and is thinking what a pain it is that the lounger in it hasn't been properly slimed yet (also seriously). He's hanging out with his second-in-command Iisner, and we finally get the species name for them, but the word Glottalphib is so fucking stupid, I will continue to call them Space Dragons. Nandreeson is thinking that Iisner is getting so old, he has to have a hot tub installed on his space craft just for him because his scales are falling out when he doesn't remain moist.
Ick.
Nandreeson comments that Han is in Smuggler's Run, and then complains that everyone is making too much money. Because then he can't engage in some lucrative loan sharking. He briefly considers returning to his home world (Spacedragonia), but resolves not to until he is about to die. He then concludes that eventually the trade in Imperial equipment will dry up, and he will be a rich Space Dragon again. Then he eats some flies with his tongue because Space Dragons are part frog, and puts out a small flame coming out of his nose by submerging it.
Over on a planet called Telti, Luke lands his X-wing on a landing strip...which is really anachronistic in a setting where everything has VTOL capabilities. Actually, it's not a landing strip, it's a great big conveyor belt. Oh, that was a bright idea Luke. I know you're looking for Brakiss, but why are you going to let him bring you to him on his terms?
Also, Luke is already somehow aware that Brakiss is working for someone else (Luke suspects the Empire, doing his sister proud). Touching the Force, however, Luke senses exactly one other person on this whole forsaken planet. And why not, as Telti is primarily a highly automated droid production facility. Luke enters the facility into the main showroom, and takes the lack of a salesdroid as a further sign that Brakiss knows damn well he's here. He decides he's not going to go any further into the facility until Brakiss shows himself in some fashion.
Speak of the pansy, Brakiss is currently watching Luke via surveillance cameras and a group of gladiator droids that are silently following Luke's every move. He's in his control room that has some of his new experimental parts including grasping mouths (or jaws), and eyes that have listening devices planted on them that Brakiss hasn't decided how to use yet. Brakiss is thinking how Skeletor promised to leave him alone after Brakiss sent Luke to him, but Brakiss knows that Skeletor lies with every other word.
Sighing, Brakiss radios Skeletor to tell him that Luke is there. Skeletor's mask smiles...
...and tells Brakiss to send Luke to him. Brakiss says he's thinking about killing Luke himself. Skeletor dares him to do it, and tells Brakiss that if he was somehow successful, Skeletor would then kill him. He tells Brakiss he'll know if Luke dies, and signs off. Brakiss calls in his personal assistant, C-9P0 and tells him to bring Luke to the assembly room.
Over on Smuggler's Run, Han, Chewie, and Seuss take the Falcon to Skip 5 to see what weird ass operation is going on. Apparently the interior is lined in sunstone, which makes the interior remain a constant temperature of 40 degrees celsius. (Hey, how the fuck have they heard of Anders Celsius a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away??) The heat apparently makes it one of the least popular Skips, until recently. Han tells Chewie and Seuss to stay with the ship so nobody steals it. He steps out of the Falcon and immediately thinks of Tattooine with the heat and all. As he's exploring, he meets the following individual:
Chewie shows up, tells Han that a group of people had disappeared into one of the tunnels with blasters, so he came to warn Han. However, now a pack of Space Dragons have gotten the drop on both of them. Iisner, who's leading this band, tells Han that Nandreeson wants to talk to him. Han and Chewie take the sudden arrival of another Jawa sandcrawler as a distraction to break away from the ambush, and dodge one of the Space Dragon's fire breath. (Christ I wish I was making half this shit up.) As they dive through the tunnels, Fabio pops out of a secret entrance, and waves them inside, except Chewie gets stuck in the door.
Eventually, Han yanks Chewie through, although Chewie sacrifices part of his pelt in the process. At that point, Fabio makes Han aware that he knows who he is, and after some useless back and forth, Han comes up with a plan that involves the Jawas somehow.
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| However, he does not at any point refer to it as the circle of life. |
Now, we're back at Han. So the little rodent-thing Seuss just opened fire, Han dives out of the way, but gets grazed on his ass, hits the wall, ricochets a few times and then hits some of that ooze where it ends. Han grabs his little rodent ass, starts berating him about proper trigger discipline, while the others try to calm him down. Eventually, they tell him they know he's okay, because he didn't just vaporize the little bastard in response to getting shot in the ass. Chewie personally thinks its funny as hell. As they go to the central area of the Skip, a bunch of other smugglers are holstering their blasters, which is apparently a sign that things have changed. I dunno, if I was packing and heard gunshots, I'd probably draw to make sure I wasn't gonna get shot first.
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| Ok, Lucas actually has a point there. |
And whoo boy, does this place have character! There's a guy with three arms, who used to have 4 until he bet one in a card game! A "hokuum" station...ok, fuck you Rusch. Hookahs have been established to exist a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Jabba had one for chrissakes. Sure it was a Space Hookah, but jesus. Also, apparently the former chef at the food court was apparently killed in a hot-grease duel. (protip: Never, under any circumstance GIS the phrase "Hot Grease" with safesearch off. You can thank me later.)
Apparently the new cook used to work for the royalty of Hapes, so Han casually name-drops Isolder just so the author can prove that she's read at least one EU novel. Chewie wants "real food" which is apparently 2 caverns away. Blue also spends some time flirting with Han, making pointed suggestions about treating his ass burn. The other food court apparently also used to belong to Boba Fett at some point. Because, you know, he liked to diversify.
Apparently the new cook used to work for the royalty of Hapes, so Han casually name-drops Isolder just so the author can prove that she's read at least one EU novel. Chewie wants "real food" which is apparently 2 caverns away. Blue also spends some time flirting with Han, making pointed suggestions about treating his ass burn. The other food court apparently also used to belong to Boba Fett at some point. Because, you know, he liked to diversify.
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| I say, old sport, what if he doesn't survive? He is worth a lot to me, what what. |
And apparently each restaurant in the Fett Court is themed after the type of cuisine it serves, isn't that just darling?? Han does some bargaining for his food, reflecting that he hasn't had proper Corellian cooking since before The Last Command. Elsewhere, Chewie is eating something called "won-wons" which he's attached to each of his claws and is now sucking them off of them. According to Han, they taste like slugs, but slimier. Han sits, and then shoots back up again because he was shot in the ass. He goes to a med station where a droid diagnoses him as having a blaster burn. Han gets uppity because he knows damn well what happened. He's told the salve will be 50 credits, and another 50 for diagnosis, but he gets out of that one.
I'll spare you the details of Han rubbing cream on his ass burn. After eating, he talks to his old friends about Jarril and the Senate Bombing. He makes some veiled accusations abotu Jarril, which causes Seuss to start squeaking and waving his blaster around again. Annoyed, Chewie just slaps it out of his paw.
Apparently Brakiss was having all of his mail forwarded to a planet called Msst, which just happens to be covered in mist. Holy shit, that's such a coincidence! Luke lands his loaner X-Wing, and misses Artoo a bit. Luke silently considers what he's going to do if Cole Furdreamer doesn't have his goddamn X-Wing ready by the time he gets back. Then Luke spends some time comparing Brakiss to his father, and Obi-Wan's little story about how he thought he could teach him just as well as Yoda taught him. Except, of course, Brakiss was a stoolie for the Empire, and the Empire was just a pipe dream of Palpatine's when Anakin became Obi-Wan's padawan.
Luke then considers the mist for a bit,and then gets shipped off to Ravenloft (Nah, but wouldn't that be awesome? We should get Joe Schrieber on that right away!) and then spots some giant pink jellyfish things that are floating through the mist.
I'll spare you the details of Han rubbing cream on his ass burn. After eating, he talks to his old friends about Jarril and the Senate Bombing. He makes some veiled accusations abotu Jarril, which causes Seuss to start squeaking and waving his blaster around again. Annoyed, Chewie just slaps it out of his paw.
Apparently Brakiss was having all of his mail forwarded to a planet called Msst, which just happens to be covered in mist. Holy shit, that's such a coincidence! Luke lands his loaner X-Wing, and misses Artoo a bit. Luke silently considers what he's going to do if Cole Furdreamer doesn't have his goddamn X-Wing ready by the time he gets back. Then Luke spends some time comparing Brakiss to his father, and Obi-Wan's little story about how he thought he could teach him just as well as Yoda taught him. Except, of course, Brakiss was a stoolie for the Empire, and the Empire was just a pipe dream of Palpatine's when Anakin became Obi-Wan's padawan.
Luke then considers the mist for a bit,
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| You wish. Actually, I wish too. |
There's a loud sucking sound, and all the mist disappears. A jellyfish 3x bigger than the X-Wing shows up and starts stinging Luke, numbing his body all over and causing "rivulets of pain". Luke does some flailing with his lightsaber, which only pisses off the jellyfish, so Luke does the logical thing, and uses the force to set the fucker on fire. It explodes, raining its tendrils all over Luke. Ok, that was a brilliant fucking plan. Oh, and just before he blacks out, he realizes that the goop that made up the jellyfish's insides is corrosive.
On Coruscant, Leia is having a "me day". She's sprawled on her bed, all of her presidential vetoes and whatnot spread all hell to breakfast. Oh yeah, also the election results from the sectors that lost senators. Guess what? 85% of them elected FORMER IMPERIALS. Leia tries to rationalize that just because they lived in the Empire didn't mean that they would all vote the same way...ok, hang on a second. Lady, whether you like it or not, Alderaan was technically under Imperial rule. You and your old man were no more than puppets for Palpatine (note to self: "Puppets for Palpatine" would be a great band name) until he kicked your sorry asses to the curb. God damnit.
And of course, Leia is also all whiny about how the Senate is "a political body now, not a place of colleagues". Sounds like someone needs to break out some diplomacy. She then goes on an internal rant how the Imperials had to be behind the bombing, but then remembers that fear, anger, and hatred are what led her father to torture her repeatedly. Anyway, about then, Lando turns up, skips his usual opening flattery, demands to know where Han is. Leia tells him to slow down and tell her what's wrong, so Lando fills her in on Jarril's corpse and the message he found. Leia tells Lando that Han left looking for Jarril. Leia finally accepts that just maybe everyone else is right and the Empire probably had absolutely nothing to do with the goddamned bombing. Lando tells her the message was sent to Almania, which we then find out is so far away it makes Tatooine look like the corner store.
Leia tells Lando that Han was headed to Smuggler's Run, and Lando explains that the Space Dragons are out to get him. But then he resigns himself to saving his buddy's recently scorched ass.
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| Scorched Ass wasn't nearly as fun as Scorched Earth |
Luke then gets dressed, sufferring even further. Are we sure that Luke doesn't belong to Space Opus Dei?
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| Creepy Albino Monks not included. |
Han and Chewie get some sleeping quarters aboard Skip 1, which just happen to be festering with that smelly ooze. Chewie compains about the smell, and Han tells him to stuff it. Then they start searching for listening devices, finding three around the room, and another 4 more hidden in the ooze. Han then likens touching the ooze to touching Waru (From The Crystal Star, and we'll get to my interpretation of that POS eventually).
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| Personally, I believe that both feel like Gak. |
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| Something like this perhaps? |
Back on Coruscant, Furdreamer is scuttling away from Luke's rigged X-Wing as fast as he can. On a hunch, he takes a look in a few other reconditioned fighters, and finds that they're rigged to blow as well. He then decides that he needs to check out the new models as well, he just needs to get around the problem of not being cleared to work on them. Apparently only the Kloperian techs have clearance for those. Artoo stands guard while Furdreamer confirms that the new ones are rigged too. And that's when the guards show up.
Ok, I promised it, so here we go...SPACE DRAGONS!
Nandreeson, the dragon who wants Lando dead, is sitting in his hot tub (seriously), and is thinking what a pain it is that the lounger in it hasn't been properly slimed yet (also seriously). He's hanging out with his second-in-command Iisner, and we finally get the species name for them, but the word Glottalphib is so fucking stupid, I will continue to call them Space Dragons. Nandreeson is thinking that Iisner is getting so old, he has to have a hot tub installed on his space craft just for him because his scales are falling out when he doesn't remain moist.
Ick.
Nandreeson comments that Han is in Smuggler's Run, and then complains that everyone is making too much money. Because then he can't engage in some lucrative loan sharking. He briefly considers returning to his home world (Spacedragonia), but resolves not to until he is about to die. He then concludes that eventually the trade in Imperial equipment will dry up, and he will be a rich Space Dragon again. Then he eats some flies with his tongue because Space Dragons are part frog, and puts out a small flame coming out of his nose by submerging it.
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Pictured: A much better Space Dragon. |
Nandreeson (which, by the way, is a really stupid name for a Space Dragon), concludes that he will finally get revenge on Lando soon, because Han is in the Run, and Lando follows Han around. And then more flame comes out of his mouth.
So Lando's arrived at the edge of Smuggler's Run and is considering his options, and remembering why he has a death mark. He swam through Nandreeson's chambers and stole enough riches to keep him supplied until Vader seized Cloud City, at which point the whole thing evaporated. Lando's broght 6 different droids with him for...some reason. Also, Leia gave him some cash to bargain for information with. Also, he had the foresight to bring along enough weapons to take on the Death Star on foot. Through that action, Lando has established himself as the most competent character in the novel thus far.
Lando then briefly considers turning tail, but is haunted by Han being frozen solid again, so he mans up, sends messages to Mara and Leia in case the whole thing goes tits up, and tears out his guidance system, while broadcasting his cargo manifest which is apparently "the smuggler's equivalent of mayday". There's the crazy bastard we remember!
So Lando's arrived at the edge of Smuggler's Run and is considering his options, and remembering why he has a death mark. He swam through Nandreeson's chambers and stole enough riches to keep him supplied until Vader seized Cloud City, at which point the whole thing evaporated. Lando's broght 6 different droids with him for...some reason. Also, Leia gave him some cash to bargain for information with. Also, he had the foresight to bring along enough weapons to take on the Death Star on foot. Through that action, Lando has established himself as the most competent character in the novel thus far.
Lando then briefly considers turning tail, but is haunted by Han being frozen solid again, so he mans up, sends messages to Mara and Leia in case the whole thing goes tits up, and tears out his guidance system, while broadcasting his cargo manifest which is apparently "the smuggler's equivalent of mayday". There's the crazy bastard we remember!
Over on a planet called Telti, Luke lands his X-wing on a landing strip...which is really anachronistic in a setting where everything has VTOL capabilities. Actually, it's not a landing strip, it's a great big conveyor belt. Oh, that was a bright idea Luke. I know you're looking for Brakiss, but why are you going to let him bring you to him on his terms?
Also, Luke is already somehow aware that Brakiss is working for someone else (Luke suspects the Empire, doing his sister proud). Touching the Force, however, Luke senses exactly one other person on this whole forsaken planet. And why not, as Telti is primarily a highly automated droid production facility. Luke enters the facility into the main showroom, and takes the lack of a salesdroid as a further sign that Brakiss knows damn well he's here. He decides he's not going to go any further into the facility until Brakiss shows himself in some fashion.
Speak of the pansy, Brakiss is currently watching Luke via surveillance cameras and a group of gladiator droids that are silently following Luke's every move. He's in his control room that has some of his new experimental parts including grasping mouths (or jaws), and eyes that have listening devices planted on them that Brakiss hasn't decided how to use yet. Brakiss is thinking how Skeletor promised to leave him alone after Brakiss sent Luke to him, but Brakiss knows that Skeletor lies with every other word.
Sighing, Brakiss radios Skeletor to tell him that Luke is there. Skeletor's mask smiles...
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| HOW?!?!? |
Over on Smuggler's Run, Han, Chewie, and Seuss take the Falcon to Skip 5 to see what weird ass operation is going on. Apparently the interior is lined in sunstone, which makes the interior remain a constant temperature of 40 degrees celsius. (Hey, how the fuck have they heard of Anders Celsius a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away??) The heat apparently makes it one of the least popular Skips, until recently. Han tells Chewie and Seuss to stay with the ship so nobody steals it. He steps out of the Falcon and immediately thinks of Tattooine with the heat and all. As he's exploring, he meets the following individual:
A slender human with golden curls falling past his shoulder sat on a desk built into the wall. He wore mesh pants and no shirt. His chest was covered with tattoos.
Yes friends, Han just ran into a tattooed version of Fabio wearing see-through pants. And I am not gonna GIS that on moral grounds.
Fabio asks Han if he's going to use his blaster, and Han replies that he just wanted to make sure he had it. Fabio then makes a crass remark or two about the Falcon and Han resists the urge to shoot first. He tells Fabio that Seluss sent him to retrieve his things seeing as his partner disappeared with their ship. Fabio then drops a hint that he's going to be stealing one of the larger ships.
Moving on, Han finds a high vantage point in a massive cavern that is filled with sand at the bottom. There's also a sandcrawler, and a shitload of Jawas. Scattered in the sand are bits of stormtrooper armor, blaster pieces, and chunks of an Imperial Lambda-class shuttle. Han quickly figures out that someone brought Jawas to an area that simulates the conditions on Tattooine, left a crapload of old Imperial equipment for the Jawas to repair, and then they could barter the fixed equipment back for pennies. Han thinks the idea is brilliant, I think it's a really roundabout, overly complicated setup.
Chewie shows up, tells Han that a group of people had disappeared into one of the tunnels with blasters, so he came to warn Han. However, now a pack of Space Dragons have gotten the drop on both of them. Iisner, who's leading this band, tells Han that Nandreeson wants to talk to him. Han and Chewie take the sudden arrival of another Jawa sandcrawler as a distraction to break away from the ambush, and dodge one of the Space Dragon's fire breath. (Christ I wish I was making half this shit up.) As they dive through the tunnels, Fabio pops out of a secret entrance, and waves them inside, except Chewie gets stuck in the door.
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| "Just like Winnie the Pooh." |
Hey, anyone else notice a distinct lack of rebellion in this New Rebellion? Just a thought.
Anyway, we're back at Luke. He spots Brakiss's protocol droid. Turns out this 9P0 sounds like Threepio if he took a big bowl of Xanax. The droid instructs Luke to follow it, and as Luke does so he reflects at being able to detect someone else through the Force briefly.
Yes friends, Luke can now detect other people dozens of systems away if they call someone elsewhere in a massive facility.
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| Pictured: Luke's new Force ability. |
The droid leads Luke through various testing facilities, and Luke asks it how long Brakiss has been there. Ninepio states that it's not sure, because all the mindwipes have pretty much fucked its sense of long term memory. Luke then reflects how barbaric he thinks memory wipes are, and he would've lost two friends if he allowed them. I feel the same way every time I defrag my hard drive.
Luke walks past a set of droid eyes that turn on as he passes, and Ninepio tells him that those eyes have motion detectors built in, as well as body heat indicators. Luke asks what use they would be to races that don't have body heat like Verpine or Space Dragons, and Ninepio responds that those races would find them useful in detecting intruders. As they pass by, Luke sees things moving in the back of the eyes as they speak, and Luke can't help but think what a stupid idea putting listening devices in eyes is.
The droid minces (yes, those are the author's exact words, thereby confirming that all protocol droids are flaming homosexuals) towards the assembly room, and tells him that it is not allowed inside. So Luke goes in solo, and quickly spots Brakiss who has dressed for the occaision in a silver uniform and matching boots and lightsaber. A blonde man wearing a silver outfit...why does that ensemble sound so familiar?
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| Yeeeep, there it is. So, are we all in agreement then? |
Luke finally cuts in and tells Brakiss that he had a talent in the Force that needs nuturing, not hatred and the dark side. Brakiss claims that he no longer uses the Force...and Luke points out that if that's true, why the fuck is he carrying a lightsaber? Finally, Luke just cuts to the chase and asks Brakiss what his connection to the Senate bombing and the wave of death that happened before that is. Brakiss sidesteps it by reaffirming that he's not with the Empire. Luke forces the issue, stating that Brakiss should help him because there's still good in him like there was in Vader. And that's when Brakiss starts sobbing like a little girl. Well, almost.
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| Before you ask, yes, that is Big McLargeHuge and Lou goddamned Ferrigno having an emotional moment. And it is hilarious. |
Brakiss takes a minute to control himself, draws his lightsaber and charges at Luke. Luke plays straight defensive, not letting Brakiss hit him, but letting him get all flustered. Then Brakiss thinks about what Skeletor would do to him if he killed Luke, stops fighting, and dares Luke to kill him. Luke refuses, and Brakiss tells him that he was paid to give Luke a message to go to Almania. Luke asks who gave him the message. Instead of answering, Brakiss tells Luke that he'd be better off going back to Yavin and becoming a hermit like Obi-wan did. Then he leaves.
Luke stays put a few minutes, hoping Brakiss is coming back (Why??), then sighs and heads back for his X-Wing. Elsewhere, Brakiss is determined now to swear off the Force, if Skeletor will let him.
Back on Coruscant, if you remember, Cole Furdreamer and Artoo were just accosted by a group of security guards as he was looking for bombs planted in all the new X-wings. Underthe gun, Cole lies and says that Luke authorized him to check the X-Wing's computer. He then tells the guards about the bomb with the Imperial logo on it. A Mon Cal guard claims that although the Empire was big on brand recognition, they generally didn't go advertising terrorist attacks. A Kloperian guard asks Cole who hired him to sabotage the fighters, and then accuses Luke of all people of orchestrating sabotage.
The other guards tell the Kloperian to shut the fuck up, because no one buys that the scourge of Death Star I and former leader of Rogue Squadron would conspire to blow up anybody. Meanwhile, Artoo starts moving slowly away, trying not to be noticed. The guards aren't sure who to believe exactly, so Cole tells them to call Wedge. The Kloperian continues to insist that Cole and Luke are trying to blow up the Republic's fighter squadrons, when one of the other guards finally notices Artoo trying to make a run for it. So the Kloperian shoots him three times. And that's when we discover that whiny-ness is something that all native Tattooinians have.
"You just destroyed Luke Skywalker's favorite droid."
Now, Leia's running towards the makeshift inner council chamber which has been relocated to the Emperor's Ballroom.
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| Needless to say, Palpatine's stint on Dancing with the Sith did not end well. |
Turns out that Meido - remember him? - called a meeting, which really any member of the Inner Council can do, however they're supposed to notify her first. A fact which Leia is more than happy to berate him about when she arrives.
Oh, and Meido is also sitting in her chair.
Oh, and Meido is also sitting in her chair.
And he is demanding to know where Han is. Leia tells him that he and Chewie are following a lead on the bombing on Smuggler's Run. Meido can't help but ask if Han used to do business there.
"Of course he did business on the Run, Senator. Back in the days when you worked for the Empire."
"My point is simple," Meido said. "General Solo is behind the bombing of the Senate Hall."
Meido first points out that Leia wasn't seriously injured. Leia responds that neither was he or a hundred other senators. Another council member flat out tells Meido to shut the hell up, because he has no fucking idea the shitstorm that will be brought down on him. In response, Meido slowly goes pale, and hands out copies of the message that Lando found on Jarril's ship.
Leia briefly considers the idea that Lando betrayed her again, and then realizes that now she's being stupid. The rest of the acknowledges that while not proof of Han's involvement, the message is suspicious and deserves careful examination. Meido continues to insist that Han is a traitor based on one message.
To say that Leia has fucking had it at this point is an understatement.
She starts ripping mercilessly into Meido's history with the Empire, despite everyone's attempt to calm her down. Meido is crouching lower and lower in his chair as she keeps screaming. The others point out that at least the idiot had the common sense to bring this up privately with the Inner Council as opposed to in front of the entire goddamned Senate. They tell her that at least they need to investigate the message. Finally Leia reminds everyone that not only is she a Jedi, but her brother is the goddamned Space Pope of the Jedi, and if Han tried to pull something like that, even if she wasn't strong enough to detect it. Luke goddamned Skywalker most certainly would. Then after she storms out of the council chambers, she starts getting all weepy about how the former Imperials are destroying her precious government.
Over on Smuggler's Run, Lando has arrived on Skip 1. And he's pissed that Han has apparently gone elsewhere because the Falcon isn't in sight. When Lando leaves the ship, he's met by the official welcoming committee, the same crew who met Han when he arrived. Because that's not suspicious, not at all.
Neither are the 2 dozen smugglers pointing guns at him behind them. Apparently, they're worried that Lando's presence is going to bring Nandreeson's heat to Skip 1. And they were right, because Nandreeson sent 30 guys called Reks to grab Lando. Well, didn't so much send so much as pay 2 million credits.
Threepio has apparently spent the last day learning 4 new languages. While he's sitting at the console, he gets a message from Artoo, telling him that he's with someone named Cole Fardreamer, and they're being held at gunpoint, accused of sabotage, before the message just cuts out.
On Almania, Darth Skeletor is considering how best to strip the now abandoned planet of Pyrdyr of its wealth so he can begin "Phase 3", whatever that is. Then he gets a call from Brakiss. Without even needing to hear him say it, Skeletor states that Luke was able to plant doubt in Brakiss. He then asks if Luke is once again Brakiss's master, which he vehemently denies. Brakiss then tells Skeletor that he wants out. Skeletor guesses that Brakiss tried to kill Luke, and after failing to, Luke let Brakiss live. So Brakiss wants to leave Luke alone.
Brakiss states again that he hates Luke, to which Skeletor responds that Brakiss just hates the way Luke makes him feel. Skeletor then confirms if Brakiss sent Luke to Almania, but Brakiss lets slip that he warned Luke away. Skeletor is pleased, believing that Luke is more apt to go to Almania thanks to that. Skeletor then tells Brakiss that he still works for him, but he will have solitude in his droid factory, and Skeletor won't send anyone else there.
On Almania, Darth Skeletor is considering how best to strip the now abandoned planet of Pyrdyr of its wealth so he can begin "Phase 3", whatever that is. Then he gets a call from Brakiss. Without even needing to hear him say it, Skeletor states that Luke was able to plant doubt in Brakiss. He then asks if Luke is once again Brakiss's master, which he vehemently denies. Brakiss then tells Skeletor that he wants out. Skeletor guesses that Brakiss tried to kill Luke, and after failing to, Luke let Brakiss live. So Brakiss wants to leave Luke alone.
Brakiss states again that he hates Luke, to which Skeletor responds that Brakiss just hates the way Luke makes him feel. Skeletor then confirms if Brakiss sent Luke to Almania, but Brakiss lets slip that he warned Luke away. Skeletor is pleased, believing that Luke is more apt to go to Almania thanks to that. Skeletor then tells Brakiss that he still works for him, but he will have solitude in his droid factory, and Skeletor won't send anyone else there.
POV Change! We're back with Han facing down Iisner the Space Dragon on board the Falcon. Apparently Iisner has smoke seeping out from between his teeth and narrowly missing the walls of the ship for reasons we don't give a flying fuck in a high wind about. Han tries to point out to Iisner that he's outnumbered 3 to 1 (not counting Seuss who's trussed like a Christmas turkey), but in response Iisner points out that not only is he the only one with a gun, he has the added advantage of fire breath, which really makes you wonder why Space Dragons need guns in the first place.
Iisner however is forgetting that Wookiees have claws, and Chewie is slowly extending his into the ceiling tiles of the ship. Han, trying to distract the Space Dragon, asks what the hell Nandreeson wants with him anyway, seeing as its Lando that he wants dead. Y'know, aside from the fact that Lando is one of his best friends, and holding Han hostage would be a pretty good way to get him to come running. Instead, Iisner hints that Nandreeson has info that the Republic would be interested in.
INCOMING RANT!!!
Ok. Let me get this straight. First of all, Han has to even bother asking what the hell Nandresson wants with him. Second, Iisner's cover story for Nandreeson wanting to use Han as bait for his Lando trap is that they have info the Republic would want. Now, considering that a)Iisner has the complete drop on everyone, and b)He brought a fucking gun, HOW IS THIS IN ANYWAY A WAY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE INFORMATION THAT THEY WOULD BE INTERESTED IN??? DID THE FUCKING SPACE DRAGONS GO TO THE LEIA ORGANA-SOLO SCHOOL OF DIPLOMACY???
Sorry. Had to get that out of my system.
Anywho, Chewie's changed his mind in between paragraphs (seriously) and has now managed to move one hand to insert a claw betwen the wall and a secret smuggling hatch. Han continues to buy time by stating that if Nandreeson wants to "share" this "information" then he can come to him. Iisner states that Nandreeson doesn't like going to the other Skips (I'm assuming crippling agoraphobia.). Han replies that he wants to keep off the Space Dragon's turf, and Iisner claims that Lando should have done the same.
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| Before I forget, Space Dragons (which are lame) should in no way be confused with SpaceGodzilla (who is awesome). |
INCOMING RANT!!!
Ok. Let me get this straight. First of all, Han has to even bother asking what the hell Nandresson wants with him. Second, Iisner's cover story for Nandreeson wanting to use Han as bait for his Lando trap is that they have info the Republic would want. Now, considering that a)Iisner has the complete drop on everyone, and b)He brought a fucking gun, HOW IS THIS IN ANYWAY A WAY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE INFORMATION THAT THEY WOULD BE INTERESTED IN??? DID THE FUCKING SPACE DRAGONS GO TO THE LEIA ORGANA-SOLO SCHOOL OF DIPLOMACY???
Sorry. Had to get that out of my system.
Anywho, Chewie's changed his mind in between paragraphs (seriously) and has now managed to move one hand to insert a claw betwen the wall and a secret smuggling hatch. Han continues to buy time by stating that if Nandreeson wants to "share" this "information" then he can come to him. Iisner states that Nandreeson doesn't like going to the other Skips (I'm assuming crippling agoraphobia.). Han replies that he wants to keep off the Space Dragon's turf, and Iisner claims that Lando should have done the same.
Chewie then tears open the door, which falls on Iisner, who then breathes fire all over the obstacle in his path, which is also laying on top of him. Chewie then shows as much intelligence by standing on top of the red hot-glowing door to pin the Space Dragon down.
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| For this scene, the part of Chewie will be played by his mentally retarded cousin Dimbacca. Wait, that's Itchy from the Holiday Special! WHAT. |
Han tells Iisner he can go, but asks once again who's paying for all the Imperial shit the Jawas are repairing. In response Iisner whips around, gets ready to roast Han...so Fabio, remember him?, shoots the fucker in the neck. Fabio then states that a friend of his died in an explosion a few days before Han arrived, and is trying to find out why. Han, finally showing some sort of competence, flat out admits that he thinks Fabio's story is bullshit. Seuss and Chewie show up again, and Seuss says something to the effect of knowing that Jarril is dead. Han then asks Seuss how the fuck Iisner got on board, and Seuss states that when he got on, Iisner followed him on really quietly. Han, fed up with this whole fucking book tells Seuss he's dropping him off on Skip 1 and bugging out, then tells Fabio to take his Space Dragon and get the hell off his ship. Fabio replies that it's not his Space Dragon.
Ok, that was a funny comeback.
Over on Skip 6, Lando has arrived in the lair of the Space Dragons. His Rek captors bring him into Nandreeson's....well, I can't really call it a throne room. It's more of a pond room. Nandreeson is sitting at one end of the pond, covered in lily pads for some reason. Nandreeson tells the Reks to throw Lando into the pond, so he sails through the air, gets a mouthful of gnats, and hits the surface. He's almost sucked into a heating vent of some sort..so it's not a throne room, it's not a pond room...that's right, he's in the Hot Tub of the Space Dragons.
Upon being rebooted, Artoo starts shrieking at the top of its...lungs? Speakers? Whichever. Threepio tells Artoo to shut the hell up or Leia will shut him down again. Artoo then notices the Kloperian and starts beeping frantically. Threepio translates that Artoo is threatening to fuck up the next Kloperian who gets in range of his shocking arm.
So Wedge tells the Kloperian to get lost. If he doesn't right now, he's on the next flight back to ET-Octopus world.
Gotta love that man.
Wedge then fills Leia in on the Imperial detonator in the X-Wing. Of course, at the words "Imperial" and "detonator" Leia's mind starts doing cartwheels at the prospect of more whining over the former Imperials. She takes a look at the bomb, then goes after Cole, but Artoo cuts in, explaining the situation through Threepio. He also suggests investigating who ordered the recommissioning of all the X-Wings that resulted in the bombs being planted...and it was Wedge.
Well, him and the other Joint Chiefs of Staff. Of course, he didn't order them to be wired to blow, they just wanted to give the fleet's starfighters a much needed upgrade. Leia asks Cole if he thinks the bomb is in all the X-Wings, and he says every X-Wing that's been recommissioned has one of the new computers that's wired with explosives. Threepio points out that astromechs have been banned from the maintenance bays on orders of the Kloperians. Leia orders every X-Wing grounded until they get the bombs out. And that is when she finds out her brother is flying around on a ticking time bomb.
Luke gets a twinge from the Force in the direction of Pydyr, so tries to hail it with no response. He checks for any signals, gets nothing. Checks the lifesign indicator...10. That's it. Luke quickly figures out that Pydyr was the source of that screaming through the Force he felt back at the beginning of the book. Luke also gets a sense of someone familiar. Like Palpatine, but not Palpatine.
And that is when the bomb goes off.
Except Meido. Fuck that guy.
Wedge goes on to express surprise that Leia puts up with this bullshit. Meido points out that Palpatine was a senator when he started his rise to power. Fey'lya has something to say now.
Let's reflect on that for a moment. Borsk Fey'lya is the guy who pointed a gun at Leia during Dark Force Rising when he made a grab for power. If Fey'lya, the fucking backstabbing Bothan of all people thinks you've gone too far, your best advice is to sit down and shut the fuck up.
Meido responds that none of this matters because there's going to be a Non-Confidence vote in the Senate against Leia shortly. Wedge also asks what that means, and is told that its a vote that can force Leia to step down as head of state. Wedge is again doing his best "What The FUCK???" face. Leia asks on what grounds the vote is based on, and is told that its being based on his preliminary bombing results.
Leia is ready to drop the hammer now. She asks how exactly the Senate got its hands on information that was classified to a closed meeting of the Inner Goddamned Council. Meido goes pale, slinks down in his chair a bit and states he has no idea. From Leia:
Again, everyone turns on him and the other newbies with a resounding "SHUT UP!"
Leia points out that the evidence against Han was probably planted, and insinuates that Meido was responsible for that. Meido responds that she has no right to make those accusations.
Now Meido starts getting all weepy/whiny. He states that he expects one of the other Inner Council members to leak something so he can be thrown off, and reiterates that he still suspects Leia of orchestrating both the Senate bombing and wiring the X-Wings. He goes on a rant about how she'll soon be without a job, and anyone who doesn't believe that she could orchestrate something like that forgets the part she played in both Death Stars I & II being blown up. And it goes on. And on. AND ON! But we'll leave it there because this whole goddamn subplot is going to be left in the dust soon.
"He is now. Door prize. Take him and get out."
Over on Skip 6, Lando has arrived in the lair of the Space Dragons. His Rek captors bring him into Nandreeson's....well, I can't really call it a throne room. It's more of a pond room. Nandreeson is sitting at one end of the pond, covered in lily pads for some reason. Nandreeson tells the Reks to throw Lando into the pond, so he sails through the air, gets a mouthful of gnats, and hits the surface. He's almost sucked into a heating vent of some sort..so it's not a throne room, it's not a pond room...that's right, he's in the Hot Tub of the Space Dragons.
 |
| Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUN! Also, why the fucking guns again?? |
Lando rips off his cloak, and gets to the surface. There are now 6 other Space Dragons with Nandreeson, and they seem to be enjoying the show. Nandreeson laments that he'll have to get the water tested later because Lando might have thrown off his pH balance. Lando tries bargaining with Nandreeson, offerring to repay every cent he stole plus 10% interest compounded over the last 20 years. Nandreeson flatly admits that the only profit he's interested in where it comes to Lando is when he seizes all of Lando's stuff after he's dead. Lando replies that the Republic won't allow that, and is rebuffed with a claim that the Republic will have bigger fish to fry as it faces....a new Rebellion (hey, that's the name of the book!).
Lando refutes Nandreeson's claim of an impending rebellion because the Republic is a good government. Nandreeson replies that oh yes, the government is good...when they're not ignoring distress calls, like from a planet called Almania where the Je'har ruling class started to genocide their political opponents. Then Nandreeson goes on to state that he should have been Jabba's successor in power, except that everyone would've remembered him being robbed by Lando. So in return, Nandreeson will keep Lando treading water in his hot tub of doom until he drops dead of exhaustion. After which he'll really need to check his pH and chlorine levels I think.
So Cole Furdreamer is still under the gun, the Kloperian is wanting to run his ass into detention, and Artoo has been shot. Who could possibly save this fursuit?
Lando refutes Nandreeson's claim of an impending rebellion because the Republic is a good government. Nandreeson replies that oh yes, the government is good...when they're not ignoring distress calls, like from a planet called Almania where the Je'har ruling class started to genocide their political opponents. Then Nandreeson goes on to state that he should have been Jabba's successor in power, except that everyone would've remembered him being robbed by Lando. So in return, Nandreeson will keep Lando treading water in his hot tub of doom until he drops dead of exhaustion. After which he'll really need to check his pH and chlorine levels I think.
So Cole Furdreamer is still under the gun, the Kloperian is wanting to run his ass into detention, and Artoo has been shot. Who could possibly save this fursuit?
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| Well, anyone could, but hey, it's Wedge! |
Wedge spots the smoking blue and white droid and immediately asks if it's Artoo. None of the guards can bring themselves to answer, so Cole does. He says that Luke left Artoo with him. Wedge orders the Kloperian to repair him, but Cole tells him that Artoo has had bad run ins with them over the last few days. Wedge then gets mad. He asks the Kloperian if he shot Artoo, and the Kloperian states it was trying to escape after it and Cole were caught planting bombs in the X-Wings.
Wedge realizes what a load of shit that is immediately. Well, that Artoo would be involved at least. Wedge examines the X-Wing, and Cole warns him that he still doesn't know what the trigger for the bomb is yet. Wedge asks where the computers are assembled on Coruscant, and is told that they're ordered in bulk from offworld. Threepio shows up, and starts shouting about how Artoo's been destroyed. Leia is right behind him, stating to the effect of he's been shot to shit before, and they got him back alright from those. To prove the point, she reaches into Artoo's innards and hits the manual reset.
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| Comes standard with the D2 models. |
Upon being rebooted, Artoo starts shrieking at the top of its...lungs? Speakers? Whichever. Threepio tells Artoo to shut the hell up or Leia will shut him down again. Artoo then notices the Kloperian and starts beeping frantically. Threepio translates that Artoo is threatening to fuck up the next Kloperian who gets in range of his shocking arm.
So Wedge tells the Kloperian to get lost. If he doesn't right now, he's on the next flight back to ET-Octopus world.
Gotta love that man.
Wedge then fills Leia in on the Imperial detonator in the X-Wing. Of course, at the words "Imperial" and "detonator" Leia's mind starts doing cartwheels at the prospect of more whining over the former Imperials. She takes a look at the bomb, then goes after Cole, but Artoo cuts in, explaining the situation through Threepio. He also suggests investigating who ordered the recommissioning of all the X-Wings that resulted in the bombs being planted...and it was Wedge.
Well, him and the other Joint Chiefs of Staff. Of course, he didn't order them to be wired to blow, they just wanted to give the fleet's starfighters a much needed upgrade. Leia asks Cole if he thinks the bomb is in all the X-Wings, and he says every X-Wing that's been recommissioned has one of the new computers that's wired with explosives. Threepio points out that astromechs have been banned from the maintenance bays on orders of the Kloperians. Leia orders every X-Wing grounded until they get the bombs out. And that is when she finds out her brother is flying around on a ticking time bomb.
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| This, but in spaaaaace. |
On that note, Luke is now approaching Almania. He reflects that he's heard of the moon Pydyr, but never the main planet. Yeah, that's believable. Luke's done some research in the meantime, Pydyr apparently tried to play Switzerland during the years of the Rebellion, and the Emperor allowed it because it was just too far away to waste time and resources fucking them up. Almania itself had changed leadership to an organization called the Je'har just after Thrawn's death, there were rumors of brutality under the new regime, but the Republic never got any requests for help until much later. During the Yevetha crisis, actually...which meant that the Republic was ass-deep in a whole other issue.
Luke also reflects on the beings he's fought against: Vader, Palpatine, Thrawn, Palpatine again, Daala, Nil Spaar...and Waru. Yes, he considers Waru to be one of his most ruthless foes.
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| All he wanted to do was win Wimbledon! |
And that is when the bomb goes off.
Ok, get ready. This is where shit gets really fucked up.
Leia calls an emergency council meeting to warn the Inner Council about the bombs. She and Wedge are on their way to the meeting, when she's clobbered with a vision of a skull-like face whispering her name. She debates evacuating the building, but decides that it might just be nerves. She enters the meeting, to have one of the junior members complain about Wedge being there. She tells him to shut up, Wedge is there at her request. Wedge drops some of the detonators onto the meeting table. Upon being told that they're planted in every X-Wing the Republic has, and they've got Imperial markings splashed on them pretty much everyone shuts the hell up in shock.
Except Meido. Fuck that guy.
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| Fun fact, apparently meido is some kind of Japanese/French maid fetish. |
Meido accuses Leia of manufacturing evidence to point away from Han. Everyone ignores him to ask important questions. Like what sets them off? Fey'lya asks if they're in all the X-Wings, where else could they be?
Meido suggests they ask Leia. Because she obviously arranged for them to be planted. At that point Garm Bel Iblis pops out of nowhere and he is not impressed. He demands Meido apologize for slandering Leia, but Leia responds that she wants to hear the basis for Meido's argument that she's a terrorist now. Meido responds that Han wouldn't have attacked the Senate Hall without her approval.
Wedge thinks to ask what the fuck this idiot is talking about, allow me to sum up his expression and quote his response to being told that Han fucking Solo is being accused of trying to destroy the Republic.
"Han Solo!?!" Wedge had stopped whispering. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Han Solo was risking his life for the Rebellion while these cowards were hiding under the wings of the Empire. You, Meido, have no right—”
"I think you're being too zealous," Fey'lya said to Meido. "I know you're trying to prove you're worthy of your Council seat. But attacking President Organa Solo is not the way to do it. She and I have had our differences in the past"—and he smiled at Leia as he said this—"but even I would never impeach her good name."
Meido responds that none of this matters because there's going to be a Non-Confidence vote in the Senate against Leia shortly. Wedge also asks what that means, and is told that its a vote that can force Leia to step down as head of state. Wedge is again doing his best "What The FUCK???" face. Leia asks on what grounds the vote is based on, and is told that its being based on his preliminary bombing results.
"You don't know?" she asked. "And yet the full Senate will be voting based on facts from a closed session of the Inner Council? A vote I didn't know about. How did you find out?"
One of Meido's newbie colleagues states that they still don't know all the rules. Leia is having none of that. After all, ignorance of the rules is no goddamned defense. She states that everything in the Republic is done aboveboard. Meido sulks and responds that sabotage isn't.
Again, everyone turns on him and the other newbies with a resounding "SHUT UP!"
Leia points out that the evidence against Han was probably planted, and insinuates that Meido was responsible for that. Meido responds that she has no right to make those accusations.
Fey'lya cuts in, and makes a motion that if there are any more leaks from the Inner Council to the general Senate, that all three of the new members be immediately expelled. Again, the fucking backstabbing Bothan bastard is stating they've gone too far. After the motion is seconded, Leia calls a vote. Everyone except the newbs votes Yes. Putting on her best sweetly smug face, Leia asks for those opposed, and all three of them sullenly raise their hands.
Now Meido starts getting all weepy/whiny. He states that he expects one of the other Inner Council members to leak something so he can be thrown off, and reiterates that he still suspects Leia of orchestrating both the Senate bombing and wiring the X-Wings. He goes on a rant about how she'll soon be without a job, and anyone who doesn't believe that she could orchestrate something like that forgets the part she played in both Death Stars I & II being blown up. And it goes on. And on. AND ON! But we'll leave it there because this whole goddamn subplot is going to be left in the dust soon.
Back at the ruins of the Senate Hall, Threepio and Artoo are out for a late night stroll. Well, not so much a late night stroll, so much as Artoo wants into the ruins. Artoo goes in, while Threepio waits outside and exchanges insults with him until Artoo calls that he found something. Another detonator with Imperial markings. But Artoo is still digging. He wants to know what the detonators were planted in.
So in the fashion of the old Republic serials (Pun not intended), Luke had managed to eject out of his booby-trapped X-Wing just in time. Well, not eject. He popped the canopy and jumped out. The story makes it sound like he was only a few dozen feet up instead of the thousands it must have actually been. Luke tries to cushion his landing with the Force, and only partially succeeds, ending up with a shattered left ankle, and several broken ribs. Still, could've been worse considering. Oh. And he's on fire. Instead of stopping, dropping, and rolling, Luke decides to stand bolt upright and trying to rip the flaming flightsuit off of himself. Yes. On a broken ankle. Try it at home and see how it works out.
Luke decides to limp into one of the empty houses and loot it for a first-aid kit. He notices that all the artificial skin has burned off his right hand, so now he bears a striking resemblance to his old man. He spends some time thinking of how alone he is in this situation, and how even on the Eye of Palpatine he had a cyber-girlfriend. Luckily the first house he enters has a bunch of canes inside, so he's able to stop walking on the broken goddamned ankle. No wonder you're alone here buddy, you've been screaming with each alternate step! You're scaring people away, ya freak!
Luke finds the water faucet and starts chugging water for some reason. Are burn victims thirsty? I have no idea. He finds a personal computer tied into the house's systems and asks if they have a medkit. The computer responds that there should be a medical droid, and Luke realizes that not only are there no people, there's no droids either. Eventually, he gets the first aid kit, squirts burn ointment all over his back, and builds a splint for his ankle. Luke then gets a whiff of a presence, and demands it show itself, but gets no response.
Back on Smuggler's Run, Han lands on Skip One, and Chewie points out the Lady Luck. Other smugglers are stripping it down, which tells Han that Nandreeson has Lando.
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| IN THE HOT TUB OF DOOOOOOOOM!!!! |
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| Pro-tip, Skeletor: This is just a broken ankle and some burns. Dude's been waaaay worse off. |
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| Heeeeeeeere's Skeletor! |
"Leia Organa Solo." The mouth moved in time to the words. This was no mask like the one Vader had worn. This seemed real.
Proving once again that the person who drew the "official" artwork for him never actually read the goddamned book. Skeletor introduces himself, and tells he that while she hasn't heard of him, he knows she's felt his presence when he wiped out the population of Pydyr "without anything as crude as a Death Star.", concluding that he prefers "elegant, simple weapons". A statement that will be proven to be utter bullshit in just a few chapters. Leia demands to know what Skeletor wants, and he states that he wants her attention. He then cuts in an image of Luke wounded on the ground. Leia then demands to know what Skeletor did to him, and his response is that he did nothing, his ship destroyed itself at a convenient time.
Skeletor then makes his demands: 1. That the Republic government be dissolved immediately, and 2. That Skeletor be declared the new Emperor/Chief of State. Leia states that she would never trade billions of lives for one, no matter who it was. Skeletor then threatens to kill her children as well. She asks what would happen if she still refused. Skeletor is rather surprised at this statement, and Leia responds that she wants to know the scope of her "options". Everyone else in the room realizes that Leia's being "diplomatic" and wisely duck and cover in response.
Good idea, because Skeletor then threatens to kill everyone in the Republic at once. Ackbar calls him a retard, so Skeletor gives an order in another language. And another wave of death washes over Leia. Somehow she's able to recognize that Skeletor can use the dark side. Skeletor states that he just killed a million people. Leia asks how he can do that to living, breathing people. And I have to quote his response, because it's just so over-the-top with cartoonish villainy:
Skeletor then makes his demands: 1. That the Republic government be dissolved immediately, and 2. That Skeletor be declared the new Emperor/Chief of State. Leia states that she would never trade billions of lives for one, no matter who it was. Skeletor then threatens to kill her children as well. She asks what would happen if she still refused. Skeletor is rather surprised at this statement, and Leia responds that she wants to know the scope of her "options". Everyone else in the room realizes that Leia's being "diplomatic" and wisely duck and cover in response.
Good idea, because Skeletor then threatens to kill everyone in the Republic at once. Ackbar calls him a retard, so Skeletor gives an order in another language. And another wave of death washes over Leia. Somehow she's able to recognize that Skeletor can use the dark side. Skeletor states that he just killed a million people. Leia asks how he can do that to living, breathing people. And I have to quote his response, because it's just so over-the-top with cartoonish villainy:
"Well, actually, most of them didn't breathe," Kueller said, "at least not in the way you do. But they no longer have to worry about breathing, through lungs or gills or airholes. See how good I am for the galaxy?"There are no words, or images, to express how insipid this is. Skeletor then sets a three day time limit for Leia to agree...because he respects her.
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| The concussion means it's working! |
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| He may have looked this fey, the text doesn't say. |
It's at this point Mon Mothma shows up. Apparently, despite the fact that six years have passed, she still looks like hell from Furgan's poisoning attempt. Leia fills her in on the situation, and that they've also determined that Luke was heading for Almania, as he radioed Yavin to let them know to forward his calls or something. Leia states that she thinks whatever Skeletor's beef is, it's personal between him and the Skywalker family, and that she thinks that he's one of Luke's former students gone bad. And, he seems to think that Leia's word is law in the Republic which is not exactly how it works. But at any rate, Leia has a pretty good idea of how to negate most of his threat.
She resigns, and appoints Mon Mothma as her successor. And then she's going on a "Diplomatic Mission" to Almania. And we all know what that means.
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| HIT THE DECK!!! |
Back over at Smuggler's Run, Han has recruited his old buddies to mount a rescue attempt on Skip 6, Nandreeson's turf. He's figured that they'll need to use a "mud slide" to penetrate Nandreeson's lair..which will involve Chewie and the other Wookiee Wynni getting their fur all matted which will limit their movements. Wynni has some suits they can use, but wouldn't let Chewie use one until he agreed to let her take it off. And if you think I'm googling for something of that Rule 34 caliber, you're insane.
Han's other "buddies" are bitching about having to do this, with Sinewy Blue being the only one on Han's side. Eventually, they all jump into a mudhole, and pop out above some kind of Space Dragon swamp. They quickly get their bearings, go around a corner, and enter....THE HOT TUB OF THE SPACE DRAGONS!!
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| If these guys were a species of Ridleys, they'd be a hell of a lot more intimidating. |
On Pydyr, Luke finds something called a healing stick, which is apparently better than a bacta tank.
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| Somehow, I highly doubt that. |
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| I'll take "Things That Would Improve a Star Wars Book" for 300, Alex. |
"Your sympathies are both false and too late. The Je'har brutally slaughtered my family. Theydid not die quickly. My parents were staked to the bridge leading to the Je'har palace, and left to rot in the heat. It took them a week to die. I didn't hear about it until afterward, but the Je'har left the bodies for me to find. You wouldn't know what that is like, seeing the burned and broken skeletons of the people who raised you, a stench rising from them that should never come from any living being. You don't know what that does to a man."
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| Um, you sure about that, Skeletor? |
Amazingly, Luke doesn't call this line of bullshit. I have no idea why, because bullshit it is, and bullshit it shall remain.
Skeletor continues about how he swore vengeance on the Je'har, and now he's stronger than Luke. Luke asks what the fuck that has to do with anyone else. Skeletor responds that Leia's government condoned the Je'har's actions, trading openly with them, and treating them as a legitimate government "instead of as the terrorists they were".
Jesus, the post 9/11 vibe is just getting stronger and stronger, isn't it??
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| Who plagiarized who? |
Skeletor continues about how Leia should have prevented the Je'har atrocities, and Luke asks why Skeletor wanted him there. Skeletor offers to let Luke join him, and Luke states he will...if Skeletor renounces the Dark Side. Skeletor laughs that off as well, and states that there is no Dark Side, that Obi-Wan made it all up to keep Luke from reaching his full potential. Skeletor draws his lightsaber, a deep blue just to show that not all Dark Siders are legally required to pack a red one, and attacks Luke. Luke is forced purely on the defensive because he's been stung by jellyfish and blown up in the past week, so he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot left at the moment. Skeletor quickly defeats Luke, but isn't ready to kill him yet because he still needs bait for his Leia Trap. A group of soldiers in Stormtrooper armor surround him, and one drugs Luke.
Elsewhere, Leia is prepping her personal ship, the Alderaan. You might remember it from her road trip in The Crystal Star, but if you don't I don't blame you, we're all trying to suppress that. Wedge knocks on the hatch, wearing his good General's threads, and tells her that Mon Mothma is sending a fleet along with Leia to Almania to wreck Skeletor's shit. Apparently, Mon Mothma's plan is that if they win, Leia will win the no-confidence vote and remain Chief of State. And if they lose the fight, Mon Mothma will denounce them all as rogues who failed to save the Republic. Nice lady.
In the hot tub, Han dives under water as the shooting begins, grabs his "buddy" Zeen by the legs, drags him under, and shoves him into an intake vent. Seriously. When he gets back to the surface, Lando's wrestling with another one, Chewie's knocked out the other Wookiee and has already killed 2 space dragons. The other ones are trying to bring the water to a boil with their fire breath, except for Nandreeson who's firing wildly. Han grabs Lando's guy, and shoves him into an intake vent.
Elsewhere, Leia is prepping her personal ship, the Alderaan. You might remember it from her road trip in The Crystal Star, but if you don't I don't blame you, we're all trying to suppress that. Wedge knocks on the hatch, wearing his good General's threads, and tells her that Mon Mothma is sending a fleet along with Leia to Almania to wreck Skeletor's shit. Apparently, Mon Mothma's plan is that if they win, Leia will win the no-confidence vote and remain Chief of State. And if they lose the fight, Mon Mothma will denounce them all as rogues who failed to save the Republic. Nice lady.
In the hot tub, Han dives under water as the shooting begins, grabs his "buddy" Zeen by the legs, drags him under, and shoves him into an intake vent. Seriously. When he gets back to the surface, Lando's wrestling with another one, Chewie's knocked out the other Wookiee and has already killed 2 space dragons. The other ones are trying to bring the water to a boil with their fire breath, except for Nandreeson who's firing wildly. Han grabs Lando's guy, and shoves him into an intake vent.
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| Seriously, I've heard of a guy losing his dick in one of these when the cover came off. Don't ask what he was doing. I'm sure you can guess. |
Get ready, because here is where things get fucking stupid. Yes. Here.
Lando grabs a gun, floats on his back, and fires at the ceiling, scaring loose a huge flock of "watumba bats". They start flying towards the flames, which panics the Space Dragons, causing them to...honk. Not roar. Honk. Like terrified geese.
Nandreeson slides underwater, Han tries to go after him, but Lando reminds Han that Space Dragons are much better in the water than humans. The bats meanwhile are eating...the...fire. They're so enthusiastic about eating fire, they're flying into the mouths of the Space Dragons, eventually strangling them. Chewie's being a sissy, so Han reminds him that watumba bats eat algae, insects, and fire not Wookiees.
Lando grabs a gun, floats on his back, and fires at the ceiling, scaring loose a huge flock of "watumba bats". They start flying towards the flames, which panics the Space Dragons, causing them to...honk. Not roar. Honk. Like terrified geese.
Nandreeson slides underwater, Han tries to go after him, but Lando reminds Han that Space Dragons are much better in the water than humans. The bats meanwhile are eating...the...fire. They're so enthusiastic about eating fire, they're flying into the mouths of the Space Dragons, eventually strangling them. Chewie's being a sissy, so Han reminds him that watumba bats eat algae, insects, and fire not Wookiees.
Ok that's it, I'm calling a TIME FUCKING OUT.
Is that even possible? Can something actually survive from eating fire?? Does the author not understand biology in her quest to deus ex machina the Space Dragons into submission??? Why does my brain hurt so much?????
 |
| "ARE YOU...THE BRAIN SPECIALIST??" |
Nandreeson grabs Lando from underwater and drags him below the surface. Han grabs Chewie's bowcaster and dives back under. Han kicks at Nandreeson's nose until he opens his mouth and shoots him dead. The-fucking-end. Han grabs Lando, drags him back to the surface, and lets him sit on the entry stairs. At this point Blue shows up again (where the fuck did she go?), and Han accuses her of playing both sides, which she doesn't deny. Lando preaches forgiveness until he hears that Blue helped strip the Lady Luck down. At any rate, Han asks her if she knows where Nandreeson's personal ship is, and Lando warns them that it'll still be guarded by the Reks. Blue points out that Reks hate watumba bats as much as Space Dragons, and Lando points out that the bats are the key ingredient in several Space Dragon delicacies, and I die a little more inside as I read this.
They quickly make their way to the landing bay, and find that his ship has a voice password. Blue does a passable Space Dragon impression, and guesses correctly that the password is "Kill Calrissian".
Back on Coruscant, Threepio and Artoo have just found out that Leia's resigned and they're trying to see Mon Mothma. Problem is, the receptionist droid keeps putting other people first. Threepio tries to reassure him, but Artoo just starts whistling loudly. So loudly, it scares one alien out of the room. At that point, the receptionist droid (who, as I just finished watching 30 Rock, will now call K3N-3TH) tells them to leave. Threepio tries to negotiate with it, but K3N tells him that Mon Mothma is only seeing "important people" today. Threepio replies that Artoo has discovered the cause of the Senate bombing, and is told by K3N that Threepio should have been retired a generation ago, as his model is "given to hyperbole". Meanwhile, Artoo, fed up, has left. Threepio runs/shuffles after him, after threatening to have K3N demoted to translating for the garbage compactors.
Threepio catches up with Artoo in the maintenance bays, and catches him trying to steal a freighter. At that point, Cole Furdreamer shows up, guessing that Artoo forged a communication from Luke to get him down there. Artoo wants him to take the two of them to where the detonators were made in order to prevent another explosion, and I'll give you two guesses where that is.
At Coruscant, Leia takes off with a thirty vessel fleet to Almania. She tries to figure out what Skeletor's "elegant, simple weapon" is. Then she panics because she hasn't heard from the droids, Han, or Lando yet. Oh. And Luke. Can't forget about him. She considers that she's been getting sympathetic twinges of Luke's injuries through the Force.
Speaking of which, Luke wakes up in little room, thinking of how weak he must've been for the shot to work. Luke also realizes that he's sleeping on straw, and he hasn't been bound. But his lightsaber is gone. He carefully explores the building he's in, finding that it's a series of interconnected rooms with low walls that he can look over. In the straw, he sees long white hairs.
Threepio catches up with Artoo in the maintenance bays, and catches him trying to steal a freighter. At that point, Cole Furdreamer shows up, guessing that Artoo forged a communication from Luke to get him down there. Artoo wants him to take the two of them to where the detonators were made in order to prevent another explosion, and I'll give you two guesses where that is.
At Coruscant, Leia takes off with a thirty vessel fleet to Almania. She tries to figure out what Skeletor's "elegant, simple weapon" is. Then she panics because she hasn't heard from the droids, Han, or Lando yet. Oh. And Luke. Can't forget about him. She considers that she's been getting sympathetic twinges of Luke's injuries through the Force.
Speaking of which, Luke wakes up in little room, thinking of how weak he must've been for the shot to work. Luke also realizes that he's sleeping on straw, and he hasn't been bound. But his lightsaber is gone. He carefully explores the building he's in, finding that it's a series of interconnected rooms with low walls that he can look over. In the straw, he sees long white hairs.
 |
| Hint hint. |
It rose on all fours, standing twice his size. Chewbacca would be tiny next to this thing. It had a smallish face (compared to its body), short ears, and slitted blue eyes. Its shoulders were broad, and its back flat. Its hair was white and flaked off with each movement. It had a long, thin tail that Luke suspected carried a lot of power.
 |
| My reaction from Wookieepedia: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!!?" |
Skeletor tells him that he knows how the fucking thing works, but he still wants a guard. No, actually 4. Yanne goes on about how it's a total waste of manpower because he's heard things, man. Skeletor simply states that he is preparing for every eventuality, even the possibly idiotic idea of Luke beating this thing. Yanne comments that no man is that powerful, and gets a big old glare from Skeletor.
 |
| At this point, yeah, all of Skeletor's flunkies are getting named after He-Man's rogue's gallery. Yanne will hereafter be called Trap-Jaw. |
"To find the detonators?"
"No," C-3PO muttered. "Into that escape pod."
"I'm going to regret this."
 |
| Sherlock Lando? |
Speaking of Almania, Luke is trying to dodge all the teeth in the thernbee's mouth, and does a surprisingly good job, except that now the thing's tongue is slamming him against the roof of its mouth. So Luke grabs it by the soft palate and digs his nails in. That does the trick and the weird fucking thing spits him out hard. Then it swats him into the wall, leaving him with splinters the size of ginsu knives sticking out of his arms and burned to fuck back.
 |
| Oh, goddammit, Google you stupid bitch. |
The thernbee comes towards him again, so Luke yanks a splinter out of his arm and jams it right into the fucker's paw. He dashes off for a moment to yank out the remaining splinters, and then considers his options. He thinks that it only really started attacking him when he hurt its mouth. Considering that he was recently blown the fuck up, I think we can forgive Luke forgetting that technically IT TRIED TO FUCKING EAT HIM. So Luke decides he has to figure out a way to convince the thing that he isn't food.
Skeletor is hanging out in the "Great Dome of the Je'har", watching as Leia's fleet arrives in-system. Trap-Jaw is fretting that Leia's fleet will glass the planet, but Skeletor knows how idiotic that thought is considering he has her fucking brother. Trap-Jaw continues being a pussy, so Skeletor agrees to send out 3 Star Destroyers....wait, where the fuck did he get those? Did he just put out an ad, asking "WANTED: IMPERIAL STARSHIPS, LIGHTLY USED"
Before Trap-Jaw leaves, Skeletor confirms that his plans are in place, and orders him to execute them. And then muses more about how much he loves his elegant, refined weapons. Spoiler alert: His claim of it being "elegant" and "refined" is total bullshit.
Back on Smuggler's Run, Han's discovered that his security system has kept the Falcon relatively intact...while the Lady Luck has been gutted. So now, Han is helping to repair all the systems that were stolen. And then this happens:
Yeah. The author is implying that Han either has latent Force ability...or he was bitten by a radioactive spider some time. How many ways can I state that this is one of the stupidest ideas ever written in a Star Wars book? Ok, yeah, we're doing this...or at least the big one: HAN IS MARRIED TO A JEDI WHO'S BROTHER IS KING SPACEPOPE OF THE JEDI AND WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO DETECT IT AT ANY POINT OVER THE PAST DECADE!!!!!!!!
*sigh* Anyway, he hears a number of explosions and runs out of the ship. Into Beirut. There's fires everywhere and wounded smugglers laying all over the place. Han goes back into the ship to grab some fire extinguishers and runs out spraying foam everywhere. Also, he has to keep his gag reflex under control as he keeps running into charred corpses. He sees Blue doing the same, and spots a...Ssty (Another race so inconsequential that absolutely no fanart exists of them), and tells it to get some medical droids and set up a triage station on the Lady Luck. The Ssty gets pissed off and tells him that the droids were responsible for the explosion.
So, Skeletor's "elegant, refined" weapon...are droids packed with explosives that he can detonate from anywhere in the galaxy.
In other words, Skeletor has no idea what "elegant" or "refined" means. In other other words, Darth Skeletor is an idiot.
Han then spots Lando and Chewie, and they compare notes, realizing that all the droids here were stolen. Lando goes to start setting up whatever medical help he can on the Luck, while Han decides to track down Blue.
He finds her pretty quickly, holding Fabio's corpse. It turns out that she and Fabio were hired by Skeletor to lure Han to Almania in order to lure Leia and Luke there. And even she thought that the bombs were a "clean weapon".
Finally, Han asks her where the droids were stolen from, and she admits they were stolen from Coruscant.
On Almania, Skeletor can't figure out why Leia's fleet is still approaching. Yeah, the droids were meant for the fleet. Eventually a thin wave of death washes over him and he realizes he's fucked up. He briefly considers strangling Trap-Jaw, but knows it'd be worthless. Trap-Jaw confirms that he's dispatched their "fleet", and Skeletor gets all paranoid, thinking that Trap-Jaw is conspiring against him. Also he expounds that when the Republic sees the Star Destroyers, it'll affect their morale. And then because he'd rather not kill Trap-Jaw quite yet, he clenches his fist for a moment, just long enough to remind Trap-Jaw who in this room is the Force user.
After he sends Trap-Jaw on an errand, he orders another flunky to bring someone named Gant TriKlops to him, planning on making TriKlops his new second.
On her ship, Leia feels the wash of death and compares it to being pelted with ice cubes. Then she gets a sense of Luke, followed by a message on her cockpit console, first in binary, then translated to basic:
The message is on infinite repeat, and Leia, getting the hint, orders that all the droids in the fleet be turned off for the time being.
On Almania, Luke also feels the death wave, but is still focused on the thernbee, which is just...watching him. It holds out an injured paw, and in response, Luke holds up one of the bigass splinters. So the thernbee knocks him head over heels.
And then it tries to eat him again.
POV CHANGE!!!
Furdreamer and the droids are arriving at Telti because Artoo's pretty much figured out the plot at this point. They land, and there's a bigass sign:
Artoo ignores the warnings and heads off, while Threepio starts having a conniption fit because they're not supposed to leave the ship according to the signs. This is why you're the bottom in your relationship, Threepio. Furdreamer tells him to stow it and follow Artoo. Which is just in time, because heeeeeeeere's Brakiss!
They introduce each other, and Furdreamer says that he thinks someone's been sabotaging droids. Brakiss nearly craps his pants that he's been found out, then tries to cover himself by asking Furdreamer if he's trying to blackmail him, then backtracking and saying that he saw Artoo, and knows that it's Luke's droid, so Furdreamer is essentially fucked at this point as Brakiss has a brigade of assassin droids surround him.
Artoo meanwhile is ignoring Brakiss's personal assistant droid, looking for master control.
Back over on Almania, Leia's just landed and knows something's wrong because she can't detect any life at all through the Force. She gets a sense of being watched, and heads off looking for Luke.
POV CHANGE AGAIN!!!
Now we're back with Wedge, and he's reflecting on the new Star Cruisers the Mon Cals made. And this is where we get back to stupid again: The new ships have a big-assed clear bubble in the center of the ship....where the command center is. I am dead fucking serious. Now, I'm not saying the design of Star Destroyers leaving the command center sticking way the fuck above the rest of the ship was a brilliant move either, but you know what? At least they weren't MADE OF FUCKING LUCITE.
Wedge's crew spots the Star Destroyers approaching and keeps commenting that there's something odd about how they're coming. His second complains that they could really use the droids, can we turn them back on now, please? Wedge refuses, saying he trusts Leia's commands.
Skeletor is pissed at Brakiss because the droids that exploded on Smuggler's Run were supposed to be on the fleet. TriKlops says that Commander Stinkor wants to know if he'll be commanding his fleet from the surface, and Skeletor replies that he has faith in Stinkor, but will be watching his performance. And then he goes back to brooding over how killing Luke and Leia will make him all-powerful...somehow.
Han is freaking out because a)The droids here were meant for Coruscant, how many more suicide-bombs could be there, and b)He has no idea how to go about deciding who lives and who dies by loading the survivors onto the undamaged ships. He goes over to Lando, who hearing that the bombs were meant for Coruscant, says he'll make extra runs on the Lady Luck, Han can just go.
And instead of being eaten, Luke is being...licked.
And it turns out that the creature is telepathic. Luke tries to make it clear to it that he won't hurt it, and the thing seems to understand. Luke tries to impart that with the thernbee's help, he could let them both out. And then this passage:
Anyway, Luke makes his plan clear to the thernbee, and it helps him out. And right outside is a squad of Skeletor's guys in Stormtrooper armor.
I'd embed the Price is Right losing music right here if I could, but actually it doesn't matter. Luke cautions them about fucking with a Jedi Master, yanks all their blasters away from them as he releases the Thernbee. They all run off like pussies, while Luke gathers up the blasters because, well, they might be clumsy and random, but a weapon's better than no weapon.
In orbit, Wedge is being emo because he hates not being in the middle of the fight. Well, he is *technically* in the middle of it, but he'd much rather be in an X-Wing of his own right now. Also, he's trying to put the pieces together about Skeletor's tactics, and realizes that this is all his ships. It's literally all Skeletor's got. So Wedge decides "Fuck this." and orders in the entire fleet.
On Telti, Threepio's run into a squad of Gladiator Droids that call themselves The Red Terror.
Threepio tries to spin some bullshit about how protocol droids have an urge to visit their point of origin, but the other droids don't buy it, and start dragging him off for a memory wipe.
Elsewhere, Leia's just run into Luke and the Thernbee. He communicates to it that they can manage and get back to Leia's ship, and it gives him another lick and heads off, while they cheese it.
Back on Telti, Artoo's lost.
Han's still panicking and calls Mon Mothma, just to find out that Leia's resigned and gone after Skeletor. Then he calls his kids, makes sure they're okay, and finally comes up with a plan.
A plan that, I'm going to be honest, should be plan A every time a Dark Sider shows up in the entire EU, and I am horrified at the realization that no other author has jumped on this before.
Artoo again. He's assembled a small army of damaged astromech droids to take on Brakiss.
Back to Han again! Are you ready for this? He's called Mara Jade and Talon Karrde, with only one request: Meet me at Almania and BRING YSALAMIRI.
BACKSTORY!!!
If you haven't read the original Thrawn Trilogy, well, you really should. But one thing that Timothy Zahn introduced in those books was a species of creature called ysalamiri. They look like, well, furry salamanders, and can push away the Force. Seriously. They create these large bubbles where the Force simply doesn't exist, as an evolutionary advantage over their natural predators who use the Force to hunt. Grand Admiral Thrawn dreamed up a few uses for them, one of which was to mount them on backpacks for situations where they might come in handy against Force users.
So, Mara comes on board with two of them, and says that already Skeletor is already almost as powerful as Palpatine at his peak, so she's coming with.
And on Almania, Leia and Luke finally encounter Skeletor.
Then Han, Mara, and Chewie decide to land on Almania, but there's a problem with the Star Destroyer and dozens of TIE fighters headed for them. And then Karrde comes back and somehow blows the Star Destroyer right the fuck up.
Elsewhere, Artoo's impromptu army rescues Threepio and chases off the Red Terror.
Back to Almania....
Luke grabs Leia's lightsaber through the Force, and begins to duel Skeletor. Leia shoots at him, but Skeletor blocks the shots and goes right back after Luke. They exchange a few taunts about how utterly dumb Skeletor's plan to become Space Pope is, and Skeletor fires back about how many rigged droids there are in the galaxy now. Over the course of the fight, Luke reflects that Skeletor is essentially the Vader to his Obi-Wan, and then has the stupidest fucking idea of his life. We'll get to that in a minute because POV CHANGE!!!
Wedge is not having a great time, and is pretty sure he's going to lose the fight, until he finally figures out how Skeletor can have enough men to pilot all those TIE fighters. To test his theory, he orders his ship to fire on his remaining cruiser and the Wild Karrde, and suddenly the fighters break off their attack on him.
On the planet, Han's landed, and is looking for Leia, ysalamir in hand. Except the thernbee shows up and eats it.
Really.
Back at the duel, Luke is smiling, and it's one that Leia recognizes, but not from Luke.
Yeah. This is his genius plan: To let Skeletor strike him down so he can coach Leia from beyond the grave on how to beat Skeletor.
He's a fucking genius, isn't he?
In orbit, Wedge has decided to share with the class his stunning revelation: Skeletor's ships are manned with droids. The remaining Star Destroyers are now escorting his ship because the droids on board figure he must be on their side because why else would he be firing on his allies?
Back on the surface, Luke is reflecting on his genius plan, when suddenly he feels the Force leave the area. And Skeletor feels it too, and is pissed right the fuck off because Luke's figured out what's happened and is laughing his balls off. See, the thernbee swallowed the ysalamiri whole. They're not dead yet. Skeletor then decides fuck it, let's just blow up all the rigged droids at once, and starts using the remote Brakiss gave him at the start of the book.
In orbit, Wedge blows up the Star Destroyers because he's awesome.
On Telti, Brakiss is facing off against Artoo's army. He threatens Threepio with a scrambler device that would wipe his circuits, but the army chases him off with their little shock prod thingies. Artoo then uses Brakiss's computer to remotely disable all the explosives before Skeletor can set them off.
On Almania, Skeletor's trying to set off the bombs, but Leia sees Han nearby, grabs his blaster through the Force, and gets diplomatic on Skeletor, shooting him in the fucking head.
She wonders briefly if because she killed him out of anger if she'll go to the Dark Side, then decides fuck it. But she wants to see what he looked like under his skull mask, and walks over and rips it off to reveal....
Back on Telti, Threepio and Artoo find Furdreamer and help him out of the factor.
And then we're back to Coruscant, where Leia's bitching to Mon Mothma about working with former Imperials still, and really just needs to shut the fuck up. Actually, Mothma says pretty much the same thing considering her husband's less than reputable past. Mothma also says that the Senate want to wipe Threepio and Artoo for taking the initiative to deactivate the rigged droids because the Senate is full of moronic assholes. At any rate, Leia goes off to swear in the new Senate, and the book FINALLY FUCKING ENDS.
Oh dear sweet Jesus this one's painful. I can't decide what I hate more: The Space Dragons, Skeletor's moronic plan, Leia's incessant whining, or the fact that for the first time since Timothy Zahn started the EU that someone remembered to bring goddamned ysalamiri to a Sith fight.
Actually, I hate the Space Dragons most.
 |
| "It has less than 50 parsecs on it, was only used by a little old lady on sundays!" |
Back on Smuggler's Run, Han's discovered that his security system has kept the Falcon relatively intact...while the Lady Luck has been gutted. So now, Han is helping to repair all the systems that were stolen. And then this happens:
Han had just reassembled the hyperdrive when the hair on the back of his neck rose. He grabbed it with his left hand, and a shudder ran down his spine. The feeling made him nervous. It was too close to the stuff Leia and Luke described about the Force. The stuff his children experienced but he never had.
*sigh* Anyway, he hears a number of explosions and runs out of the ship. Into Beirut. There's fires everywhere and wounded smugglers laying all over the place. Han goes back into the ship to grab some fire extinguishers and runs out spraying foam everywhere. Also, he has to keep his gag reflex under control as he keeps running into charred corpses. He sees Blue doing the same, and spots a...Ssty (Another race so inconsequential that absolutely no fanart exists of them), and tells it to get some medical droids and set up a triage station on the Lady Luck. The Ssty gets pissed off and tells him that the droids were responsible for the explosion.
So, Skeletor's "elegant, refined" weapon...are droids packed with explosives that he can detonate from anywhere in the galaxy.
 |
| ALLAHU SKELETOR!!! |
 |
| Nnnnnnope. |
On Almania, Skeletor can't figure out why Leia's fleet is still approaching. Yeah, the droids were meant for the fleet. Eventually a thin wave of death washes over him and he realizes he's fucked up. He briefly considers strangling Trap-Jaw, but knows it'd be worthless. Trap-Jaw confirms that he's dispatched their "fleet", and Skeletor gets all paranoid, thinking that Trap-Jaw is conspiring against him. Also he expounds that when the Republic sees the Star Destroyers, it'll affect their morale. And then because he'd rather not kill Trap-Jaw quite yet, he clenches his fist for a moment, just long enough to remind Trap-Jaw who in this room is the Force user.
 |
| "I find your lack of faith...mildly annoying. Stop it." |
NEW-MODEL DROIDS DANGEROUS. TO BE SAFE, SHUT DOWN ALL DROIDS. REPEAT. NEW-MODEL DROIDS DANGEROUS. TO BE SAFE, SHUT DOWN ALL DROIDS
On Almania, Luke also feels the death wave, but is still focused on the thernbee, which is just...watching him. It holds out an injured paw, and in response, Luke holds up one of the bigass splinters. So the thernbee knocks him head over heels.
 |
| Luke is the forgotten Stooge. |
And then it tries to eat him again.
POV CHANGE!!!
Furdreamer and the droids are arriving at Telti because Artoo's pretty much figured out the plot at this point. They land, and there's a bigass sign:
PERSONAL DROIDS MUST REMAIN ON SHIPS.THIS IS A WORKING PLANT. DO NOT STRAY FROM THE MARKED SIDEWALKS.WAIT NEAR YOUR VEHICLE. A REPRESENTATIVE WILL APPROACH YOU.SHIPS WILL BE SCANNED BEFORE LIFTOFF.THEFT IS AN INTERGALACTIC OFFENSE, PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.
POV CHANGE AGAIN!!!
 |
| Welcome to ADHD Theatre!!! |
 |
| "Lord Vader, I really must question your decision to make us clearly visible to the Rebels. It seems needless-GAK!!!" "Any other objections?" |
Wedge's crew spots the Star Destroyers approaching and keeps commenting that there's something odd about how they're coming. His second complains that they could really use the droids, can we turn them back on now, please? Wedge refuses, saying he trusts Leia's commands.
Skeletor is pissed at Brakiss because the droids that exploded on Smuggler's Run were supposed to be on the fleet. TriKlops says that Commander Stinkor wants to know if he'll be commanding his fleet from the surface, and Skeletor replies that he has faith in Stinkor, but will be watching his performance. And then he goes back to brooding over how killing Luke and Leia will make him all-powerful...somehow.
Han is freaking out because a)The droids here were meant for Coruscant, how many more suicide-bombs could be there, and b)He has no idea how to go about deciding who lives and who dies by loading the survivors onto the undamaged ships. He goes over to Lando, who hearing that the bombs were meant for Coruscant, says he'll make extra runs on the Lady Luck, Han can just go.
And instead of being eaten, Luke is being...licked.
 |
| Ew. |
The Thernbee looked quizzical again. Its eyes were round and blue and very gentle, its nose a delicate pink. Its teeth had the blunted edges of vegetarian animals.
Luke wondered how he had ever thought it dangerous.
|
| Oh yeah, those are definitely blunted teeth. |
I'd embed the Price is Right losing music right here if I could, but actually it doesn't matter. Luke cautions them about fucking with a Jedi Master, yanks all their blasters away from them as he releases the Thernbee. They all run off like pussies, while Luke gathers up the blasters because, well, they might be clumsy and random, but a weapon's better than no weapon.
In orbit, Wedge is being emo because he hates not being in the middle of the fight. Well, he is *technically* in the middle of it, but he'd much rather be in an X-Wing of his own right now. Also, he's trying to put the pieces together about Skeletor's tactics, and realizes that this is all his ships. It's literally all Skeletor's got. So Wedge decides "Fuck this." and orders in the entire fleet.
On Telti, Threepio's run into a squad of Gladiator Droids that call themselves The Red Terror.
 |
| Oh, God, I wish. |
 |
| Quick, up the author's dosage!!! |
Han's still panicking and calls Mon Mothma, just to find out that Leia's resigned and gone after Skeletor. Then he calls his kids, makes sure they're okay, and finally comes up with a plan.
A plan that, I'm going to be honest, should be plan A every time a Dark Sider shows up in the entire EU, and I am horrified at the realization that no other author has jumped on this before.
Back to Han again! Are you ready for this? He's called Mara Jade and Talon Karrde, with only one request: Meet me at Almania and BRING YSALAMIRI.
BACKSTORY!!!
 |
| "Why yes, I am awesome. Artistically awesome." |
Skeletor is trying to figure out a nagging feeling that he's forgetting something while Trap-Jaw runs around the control center giving orders. He notices the Falcon and Wild Karrde on long-range telemetry or some shit, and orders them identified. Finally, he notices through the Force that Luke is moving just as Beastman comes over and tells him just what ships those are. Skeletor is tickled pink and tells Trap-Jaw to dispatch one of the Star Destroyers to blow up both ships. Oh, and he's been planting bombs in droids for better than two years, so his suicide bombers are all throughout the known galaxy at this point. And so he marches off after Luke and Leia.
Back on Telti again, Furdreamer is being dropped off in a dungeon by Brakiss to meet...well....
Yyyeah. The author, officially out of ideas, brings out Jabba's torture droid's...daughter I guess, to torture Furdreamer. Although Furdreamer makes a brief break for it, he's stopped by Brakiss throwing some Force Lightning at him.
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| "Nyaa! And keep an eye out for those accursed Masters while I'm gone!" |
 |
| Take that, Furry! |
Then Han, Mara, and Chewie decide to land on Almania, but there's a problem with the Star Destroyer and dozens of TIE fighters headed for them. And then Karrde comes back and somehow blows the Star Destroyer right the fuck up.
Elsewhere, Artoo's impromptu army rescues Threepio and chases off the Red Terror.
Back to Almania....
|
| MORE! MORE!!! |
Wedge is not having a great time, and is pretty sure he's going to lose the fight, until he finally figures out how Skeletor can have enough men to pilot all those TIE fighters. To test his theory, he orders his ship to fire on his remaining cruiser and the Wild Karrde, and suddenly the fighters break off their attack on him.
On the planet, Han's landed, and is looking for Leia, ysalamir in hand. Except the thernbee shows up and eats it.
Really.
Back at the duel, Luke is smiling, and it's one that Leia recognizes, but not from Luke.
Yeah. This is his genius plan: To let Skeletor strike him down so he can coach Leia from beyond the grave on how to beat Skeletor.
He's a fucking genius, isn't he?
|
| I'm starting to wish the concussion would just kill me. |
Back on the surface, Luke is reflecting on his genius plan, when suddenly he feels the Force leave the area. And Skeletor feels it too, and is pissed right the fuck off because Luke's figured out what's happened and is laughing his balls off. See, the thernbee swallowed the ysalamiri whole. They're not dead yet. Skeletor then decides fuck it, let's just blow up all the rigged droids at once, and starts using the remote Brakiss gave him at the start of the book.
In orbit, Wedge blows up the Star Destroyers because he's awesome.
On Telti, Brakiss is facing off against Artoo's army. He threatens Threepio with a scrambler device that would wipe his circuits, but the army chases him off with their little shock prod thingies. Artoo then uses Brakiss's computer to remotely disable all the explosives before Skeletor can set them off.
On Almania, Skeletor's trying to set off the bombs, but Leia sees Han nearby, grabs his blaster through the Force, and gets diplomatic on Skeletor, shooting him in the fucking head.
 |
| "Hey, Han got to shoot the cloned Emperor, it's only fair." |
 |
| Well, essentially. But really, would it surprise anyone? |
And then we're back to Coruscant, where Leia's bitching to Mon Mothma about working with former Imperials still, and really just needs to shut the fuck up. Actually, Mothma says pretty much the same thing considering her husband's less than reputable past. Mothma also says that the Senate want to wipe Threepio and Artoo for taking the initiative to deactivate the rigged droids because the Senate is full of moronic assholes. At any rate, Leia goes off to swear in the new Senate, and the book FINALLY FUCKING ENDS.
Oh dear sweet Jesus this one's painful. I can't decide what I hate more: The Space Dragons, Skeletor's moronic plan, Leia's incessant whining, or the fact that for the first time since Timothy Zahn started the EU that someone remembered to bring goddamned ysalamiri to a Sith fight.
Actually, I hate the Space Dragons most.
I just found this after looking at some of the reviews on Amazon's kindle store. I did my own search in regards to read or skip this book and it was in the top 10 links the showed up. I read this whole article and from the 20-30+ star wars books I've read- some of this stuff was reiterated in the amazon reviews in regards to skipping this book and the bogus introductions of new things that don't make sense in the Star Wars universe in general.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I read this instead of wasting my money.