We start off on the deck of the Moffship, where Trioculus has just been shot through the chest by Fake Leia (who was also gunned down shortly after). Hissa floats over to him in his chair and holds Trioc's hand, as Trioc lays dying on the floor.
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| A tender moment. Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |
And now we come to Trioc's dying words. He rambles for a bit about how the Rebels tricked him, and how he's dying. Then he mentions how happy he is that they dropped Zorba into the Pit of Carkoon (he doesn't know about Zorba being coughed up, obviously), and how Kadann and the other prophets will come after Hissa now, because Hissa was loyal to him (Trioc) and not Kadann. But that's not who he is most upset about in all this.
"But let the darkest curse of all . . . fall upon Luke Skywalker. Promise me that . . . that you grand moffs," Trioculus struggled to speak, as the gasps between his words grew louder, ". . . that you will destroy that Jedi Knight once and for all." Trioculus’s three eyes blinked and then half closed, as though staring off into the distance.
"It shall be done," Grand Moff Hissa said.
And then Trioculus exhaled, closing his three eyes for the last time.
Apparently he hates Luke Skywalker the most, although I think he should be more mad at Leia. Oh well, Trioc is now dead, and the Moffs have him cremated immediately, with his ashes being put into 4 separate missiles and shot into 4 different directions in space. So he's really, really dead. I'll miss the incompetent bastard.
Then we get a one line mention of the fact that Luke has sent Triclops to Yavin 4, so hopefully we're done with Mount Yoda. Apparently also the secret is now out that Triclops is the real son of Palpatine instead of Trioc, which gives him a "legal claim to be the heir to the Imperial throne", although what courts are going to care about that, given the current state of affairs in the galaxy, I have no idea.
Triclops has apparently been spending most of his time sleeping "as if he were the victim of some unexplained sleeping sickness or powerful spell from the Dark Side." Leia is currently monitoring him, which is taking time away from her planning her wedding to Han. Luke has just stopped by to talk to Leia about Triclops.
Leia says that they've allowed Triclops to move freely, and he's been sleepwalking recently, "as if in a trance". During this sleepwalk, which he is currently having, he's going into the storage area and "snooping around the old defense files." I don't know how important those are, but they sound like something you should keep in a better place than a closet. Luke says that it seems more and more like Triclops is a spy, and that all his talk about hating the Empire might be just an act.
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| "It's okay, they're just orders for Jar Jar Binks merch." |
Sorry, anyway, Luke asks if messages can be used to receive messages as well as send them, and Leia says that's a very good question, but it looks like yes. They look back to Triclops on the viewing screen, and he's breaking an alarm and looking through some files. For the love of God, stop him! Leia almost calls in some security sentries, but Luke has her hold back for a moment. Apparently those files are useless, so Luke wants to see where this is going.
EEEE-AAAA-EEEE-AAAA . . . !
I never did get used to those moments in these books. Apparently an airspace-intruder alert is sounding, and it means a probe droid has just descended onto the planet surface. An X-Wing flies to intercept it, and Leia says that it's the third one in two weeks. They should probably think about relocating. Luke says they need "something that can locate Imperial probe droids long before they penetrate the atmosphere-a device to go after them and explode the probes before they even get this close to us." Leia asks, "You mean something like an Omniprobe?" and I have no idea what that means. But apparently Luke does, because he says exactly.
(Sorry, I know this scene is boring as hell, but we'll get back to insanity soon) Leia says this gives her an idea. She has apparently been going through the outline of info in the Jedi Library at the Lost City, and one of the pieces of data has a design for a new type of Omniprobe. Then Ken wanders in out of nowhere, because he's on vacation from school at Dabogah Tech, and says he heard them talking about his school project. When they ask what project, we get this:
"The new Omniprobe. When I lived in the Lost City, Dee-Jay, my droid teacher, assigned me to study the blueprints for all the Omniprobes ever designed-both Alliance and Imperial-and he told me to try to invent a new Omniprobe, one that would utilize the best features of all of them. Well, I didn’t know much about weaponry or laser systems, but Dee-Jay helped me, step by step, in coming up with a new Omniprobe design. That Omniprobe, if it were ever built, would be the perfect defense against Imperial probe droids."
My eyes are starting to bleed from all the stupidity contained in that one sentence. Anyway, Ken says that he can't remember everything about it, and they would need to go to the city again to get the full blueprints in order to build it. So they start talking about heading back to the city, when Triclops, on the view screen, grabs his head as if in pain, reaches inside his mouth to touch his tooth, and falls down. They can't tell if he is dead or just unconscious.
Then we're back on Tatooine, and we're following Zorba, slowly moving across the desert. He's apparently been slithering for several days, muttering to himself about how the Moffs couldn't kill him. Then suddenly he sees a sandcrawler in the distance, and figures that surely his "friends, the Jawas" will give him a ride to Mos Eisley spaceport. Although friends is probably a strong word, he does plan to offer them "a hundred slightly used Spin-and-Win machines from the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino". Once he gets to Mos Eisley he plans on hiring "a fearless cargo pilot willing to take me deep into the Null Zone" so he can meet up with the Prophets of the Dark Side (hey, that's the name of the book!) and do something the Moffs will certainly not enjoy. Oh, he also says "A-haw-haw-haw-haw-hawwwww . . . !" (Because of course he does.)
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Ken’s pulse quickened as he thought about riding in the tubular transport
And aside from the fact that I still giggle like a twelve year old at some things, this means that we're heading back to the Lost City of the Jedi, which you will remember is underground on Yavin 4. We get some info about the City, but it's all either old info, or useless. "Many explorers had searched for that tubular transport, but none of them had ever found it on their own." I call bullshit, considering no one was supposed to have even heard of it. Then Ken thinks for a while about how excited he is to be reunited with his "feathery, four-eared pet mooka he had left behind."
They find the green wall with it's "tubular transport" and all get in, then wait a moment so they can talk about some bullshit first. Ken talks about how he has gained wisdom since leaving, and Luke calls bullshit on that. After a while of that, we're off with a WHIIIIIIISH!.
And...uhh....
Nooo, that can't be....
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| AHHHHHHHH!!!! Did JJ Abrams just read the shit out of this series or something as a kid??? |
While riding down, Ken talks about how he's wiser than most 12-year-olds because he's seen things like Banthas, Jawas, and Tusken Raiders, and I wonder if the authors realized that all the things they just listed are on Tatooine. Luke points out none of that means he gained wisdom, and Ken changes the subject, saying that the elevator ride is more fun than the rides at Hologram Fun World. Then this ride thankfully comes to an end, and they step out into the City.
They walk down "Jedi Lane" (remember, this is canon) while looking around at all the droids and buildings, but we've read all this before, so I won't bore you with it. Luke says someday they'll find out how Ken got here, but it doesn't really seem like he's trying all that hard. Ken says it could have been Obi-Wan Kenobi who brought him, because he wore a brown robe, and the robots here said it was a Jedi with a brown robe. Luke points out how stupid that is (in nicer words, but that's the general idea), and Ken keeps quiet while rubbing the crystal hanging around his neck.
Then HC-100, Ken's old "Homework Correction Droid", comes up and greets them. He also says, "perhaps you can think up a way to plug the hole in the ground beneath our decoy tubular transport." When asked about this, HC explains that some botanist came across the green wall last week by accident. (Man, those other explorers must have sucked) He entered the "decoy transport tube" and it plunged downward, "almost sending him to a fiery death!"
Ken, once again, asks HC what the hell he's talking about, because he'd never heard of any decoy, and a deep voice from behind them says he can explain. They turn around and see the head droid down here "Dee-Jay". Zeebo, the pet Mooka, also runs up and jumps into Ken's arms.
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As they reach the library, Dee-Jay says that droids in the library are working on how to fix this hole, so no innocent travelers who happen upon the decoy will die a fiery death. But it's a hard task, because the ground has become very unstable. As they walk through the library, they walk past many books and papers, which Dee-Jay spends all of his time entering into the computer, in the hopes that someday the Jedi will number more than just Luke and the computers will be helpful to them.
Ken sits down at the master computer to pull up the blue prints for the Omniprobe, but he punches in the wrong code and ends up on a page about Imperial Space Stations. How convenient, I say, because Dee-Jay points out that while he won't find anything about the Omniprobe there, he might discover "secrets of Space Station Scardia and other major Imperial outposts located in deep space." Ken gets excited and says that Scardia is the home of the Prophets, as if we didn't already know that or something.
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| Incidentally, this is Scardia. A Borg cube with the CN Tower mounted on it. |
When the Jedi Knight.
Becomes a captive of Scardia,
Then shall the Jedi Prince
Betray the Lost City.
Ken points out that the Jedi Knight in question is probably Luke (I'd say "No duh", but it turns out that there's something like 50 Jedi still running around after Order 66, so what do I know?) but that it doesn't make sense because Ken would never betray the Lost City. Luke points out that the future is always in motion, and Ken once again reaffirms to never betray the Lost City.
And now we join Zorba the Hutt arriving at Space Station Scardia. The Prophets had apparently learned that Zorba had come with valuable information, so they were throwing him a feast. I have a feeling they're going to regret throwing a feast for a Hutt. And I'm right.
The refined prophets, who had elegant manners, and who always dined using the finest black linen and spotless black plates, winced at seeing Zorba’s slovenly ways. Zorba gobbled everything in sight and burped repeatedly, rudely displaying his thick, slobbering, drooling tongue.
High Prophet Jedgar, seated at Zorba’s right at the long banquet table, gasped in shock as Zorba splattered his serving of zoochberry dumplings, staining Jedgar’s sparkling robe.
"Ahhhhhh," Zorba moaned with pleasure, reaching for another stewed Mynock bat. "Delicious. And I must compliment you prophets on your fried Bantha steaks."
Luckily, for this, we have art.
Whoops! Heh, honest mistake.
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Zorba then says that he loves all the great artifacts on the walls, and asks if any of it is from the Lost City of the Jedi. (jesus, everyone know about this damn thing) Kadann asks what he knows about the city, and Zorba says that he only knows that Trioculus tried to find it in order to kill the Jedi Prince but failed. Kadann says that yes, Trioc did fail, and because of that his prophecy about Trioc's rule being a short one came true. Zorba burps (URRRRRP!) and asks if there's any truth to the rumor that the Prophets make the prophecies come true when they otherwise wouldn't. Kadann asks where he heard that, and Zorba says he heard of it from the Grand Moffs.
They all agree that it's a lie, and Jedgar says to not worry about the City, because Kadann will find it soon enough. Zorba wonders what relics might be there, but Kadann says he's not as interested in the relics as he is interested in the Jedi Library.
Then Zorba, well, this paragraph is too much fun to hog to myself, so here you go.
In a very clumsy move, Zorba accidentally spilled some juice on the handmade carpet from Endor. Then he rolled his sluglike tail over the stains, pressing down with the weight of several tons. Kadann nearly choked as Zorba ruined his favorite carpet that had taken a hundred Ewoks five years to make.
Just drink that mental image in, folks.
Zorba asks how Kadann plans on finding the City, and Kadann says that the Jedi Prince, Ken, will lead him there personally. They all begin to snicker and laugh, as evil guys do, but Zorba's is the loudest. "A-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw . !"
We now rejoin Luke and Ken as they speed above the treetops heading back to the Alliance Senate building. In the lounge outside the Senate building, Leia is going over the guest list for the wedding with Han. Apparently hundreds of people are coming in from all over the galaxy for it. She's asking Han if they should have Admiral Ackbar sit with the delegation from Calamari, or at a table with Mon Mothma. Han just says that it sounds good to him, which is HILARIOUS BECAUSE IT MEANS HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION! GET IT!
Sorry, I'll calm down. Leia calls him out on not paying attention, but Han says he really doesn't give a shit. They go back and forth for a while about whether Han ever likes anything different unless it can get him killed, while Han points out that a man can indeed get killed at a wedding if he slips and falls while dancing, until Leia says, "This conversation is getting ridiculous." Huh, a rare moment of self-awareness. Then they're back at it, discussing where Chewie should sit, since he's the best man. Luke walks in then and says that Chewie should sit at the head table because he doesn't get along with many Wookiees. Probably because he only stops by for Life Day, that absent-father son-of-a-bitch.
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| Someone please explain to me exactly how, despite the awfulness of the entire special, the jokes spanning almost forty years now, the utter reputation of the thing, how did Life Day remain canon?? |
Leia asks if they got the plans for the Omniprobe, and Luke says they did, and that the next step is to get the engineer team to build a prototype. Han is now reading a SPIN report on Triclops, which he says reports that they tried to remove the microchip from his tooth, but the roots of the chip go all the way up to his brain, so it could be dangerous to do so. For now, the surgery is on hold.
In the meantime, the plan is apparently to continue letting him roam free, while planting false information about the Lost City of the Jedi in the file storage area for him to find. Stuff like "disinformation-misleading facts, a phony map, and false coordinates that would lead the Imperials away from the actual Lost City, and toward the decoy green wall the droids had built. If the Imperials took the bait and went to the decoy wall, they would end up in the dark cave-perhaps falling into the underground river of molten lava!" That's stone cold, Luke.
That night, Triclops does exactly what they were hoping he'd do, and they let a probe droid get close enough to get the info from Triclops. They also send some X-Wings after the probe droid, but with orders to not destroy it, letting it get away with the false info. So, basically they used Tarkin's plans with the Death Star plans. Well, not exactly. I mean I guess what Tarkin gave was the real stuff, which in hind sight was rather dumb. Point to you, book.
And now we head back to Space Station Scardia where four Grand Moffs from the Moffship are on trial. So...I guess they were captured. Included in the group is Hissa, as well as Thistleborn, Dunhausen, and Muzzer. But I'm guessing you don't know them, because I had forgotten those names entirely. They're all chained up, which, in Hissa's case, makes for a rather funny image, which you'll see shortly. Kadann enters and sits on his big chair that's higher than everyone else. Because he's short.
Defeen (he's the wolf guy from the Duro prison) is here and he's apparently now the Prophet's chief interrogator. There's a jury too, but it's made up of only 5 Prophets. This is gonna be some trial. Defeen calls Zorba as the first witness, which shocks (shocks, I tell you) the Grand Moffs who thought he was dead. Zorba comes out and is all "A-haw-haw-haw . !" Then Kadann picks up a blue ball and crushes it, and a wind picks up and blows the dust all over the room. Hissa then says "Blue is the color of shame and disgrace," (does every color have a meaning that's super specific to the scene?) and also says that it means the trial will be a sham. You needed blue dust to tell you that? Defeen then reads the charges.Defeen (he's the wolf guy from the Duro prison) is here and he's apparently now the Prophet's chief interrogator. There's a jury too, but it's made up of only 5 Prophets. This is gonna be some trial. Defeen calls Zorba as the first witness, which shocks (shocks, I tell you) the Grand Moffs who thought he was dead. Zorba comes out and is all "A-haw-haw-haw . !" Then Kadann picks up a blue ball and crushes it, and a wind picks up and blows the dust all over the room. Hissa then says "Blue is the color of shame and disgrace," (does every color have a meaning that's super specific to the scene?) and also says that it means the trial will be a sham. You needed blue dust to tell you that? Defeen then reads the charges.
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"Grand moffssssss," Defeen said with a scowl, pointing a furry, clawed hand at the defendants. "You are charged with breaking your pledgessss of loyalty to Kadann, who is now the ruler of the Empire." Defeen then trained his beady red eyes at Zorba, who was grinning from one side of his huge head to the other. "I have here a sworn statement from Zorba the Hutt stating that you tried to restore to the Imperial throne the disgraced leader, Trioculussssss."
Then for some reason we go back to Luke who's in his bedroom on Yavin 4, apparently Ken is staying in his room until after the wedding in an extra floating bed. Do the beds really need to be floating? Can't they just be normal beds? Eh, whatever. Ken is apparently awake and reading one of his textbooks. He's apparently trying to memorize a list of atomic weights.
Then Leia bursts in and says she has a report from the medical team, and hands a piece of paper to Luke. They have floating beds, but don't have e-mails or texting technology? Charming. Anyway, she says that they found a way to remove Triclops' implant, and if they just had some "macaab mushrooms", whatever those are, they could make some chemical that would conteract...you know what? They need the mushrooms, who cares why.
"Luke tied his robe and slid his feet into the slippers at the side of his floating bed." That's just a wonderful image, thanks authors. Luke says that if they could remove the implant, they could finally let Triclops prove he hates the Empire. Leia says there's only one problem, that macaab mushrooms only grow on the planet "Arzid". "Ken remembered studying about Arzid-a hot, dense world with macaab mushroom forests everywhere, and large spiderlike creatures called arachnors." Oh goodie, we're going to get another bug fight, because those always work well in Star Wars books.
Ken asks if they can go, and Luke "wasted no time coming to a decision". And apparently that decision is to go to a very dangerous planet with a young boy and two droids. Oh well, at least Chewie is coming too. Oh, and they're taking that big ass Y-Wing that can apparently fit the entire Alliance in it again. Han and Leia would stay behind to monitor Triclops, but also so Leia could send out the last invites, and Han could hook up the "THX Super-Sound System"
for the wedding.
And now back to the trial on Space Station Scardia. Kadann asks for the pleas of the Moffs, and three of them say guilty, while Hissa is the only one to plead not guilty. Then he bitches about being due respect because he's a war hero. Apparently he considers losing his arms and legs on Duro worthy of being a war hero. (I'm not kidding, that's his reasoning) Defeen says they have a file on his that's "thissssss thick" while holding his claws apart, and it's just as ridiculous as when Jedgar did it a couple books ago. Then we get something so ridiculous that I again just have to reprint it.
Kadann turned to the five jurors. "Three grand moffs have pleaded guilty, but Grand Moff Hissa says that he is innocent. I have just written my prophecy of what your verdict on Hissa will be, and I hereby provide it to you. Study it carefully. But do not let my prophecy influence you in any way, because that would be unfair."
"A-haw-haw-haw . . ." Zorba the Hutt laughed.
What the fuck is happening? I mean, I get that the trial is a sham, but this is just dumb. Just shoot them all and get it over with. Anyway, the jurors read the "prophecy" and whisper amongst themselves. Then High Prophet Jedgar says they've reached a verdict, and it's guilty. Oh, and "Hissa is the guiltiest". So, there's that.
Then Kadann reads their sentences, and each Grand Moff gets their own paragraph for it. Thistleborn is going to some rock quarry planet where no one ever survives longer than a year, Dunhausen is going to a corrections facility on Hoth (really?) where no one survives longer than three years, and Muzzer is going to an Imperial Outpost on Arzid (son of a bitch), "the planet of macaab mushrooms, tentacle-bushes, and deadly arachnors" where the last person sent died in the first month.
Then we get to Hissa, who will probably get the dumbest sentence of them all....
"Grand Moff Hissa, because Zorba the Hutt assures me that your crimes are more serious than those of your companions, and because you led the plot to return Trioculus to his position of power, I sentence you to die a cruel and unusual death. You shall be starved, and when you are mad and insane with hunger, you shall be served your last meal. It shall be a meal of biscuits that have live parasites baked into them. The parasites will begin eating you from inside the pit of your stomach and will work their way slowly to your outermost layer of flesh."
Holy shit. That's fucked up. And these are kids' books!
Anyway, while I'm still trying to put that wide-awake nightmare out of my mind, suddenly Prophet Gornash comes in and says they've received a probe droid from Yavin 4. He says it contains the location of the Lost City of the Jedi. And Kadann smiles because his unwilling spy has done well.
We join Luke as he brings his Y-Wing out of hyperspace, flies past the green sun "Tiki-hava" and flies to the gray planet Arzid. He lands in a valley surrounded by "giant mushroom forests" and Ken is the first one out of the ship.
"Zneeeech Kboooop!" Artoo-Detoo tooted.
Apparently that means that he's warning Ken to be careful where he steps, because he needs to watch out for "arachnor webs-they’re horribly sticky and rather huge. And keep your eyes to the ground, and beware of tentacle-bushes." Ken asks what a tentacle-bush is, and Threepio says it's a bush made of tentacles. Well, that was special.
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| Yeah, I've seen enough Hentai to know where this is going. |
Luke hoists a "portable stun-cannon" to his shoulder and says it will come in handy if they run into any arachnors, although I imagine it will actually prove pretty useless. Ken spots some macaab mushrooms on a hill and says he wants to race Luke to them, adding "last one there is a Kowakian monkey-lizard!" He runs off while Luke is still fascinated by all the mushrooms around him.
HISSSSSSSS!
Ken hears this and looks over his shoulder, only to see "a spidery arachnor twice
his size crawling down a huge mushroom." Luke shoots at it, but doesn't see a thin green tentacle wrap around his ankle. Some Jedi. It gives a sharp tug, and Luke falls to the ground, dropping the stun canon which slides down an embankment. Chewie growls "Groooowwwf!" as he jumps down the embankment after it, but a tentacle wraps around his leg too and pulls him away from it, and yeah, we've all seen the dianoga scene in A New Hope, get on with it!!
Threepio sits back and bitches about how he warned them about the bushes like the asshole he is, and Ken says he'll go after the stun cannon, which he does even after Luke tells him not to. This goes about as well as anyone would expect, and Ken falls down the embankment and gets stuck a web at the bottom. So, this is going well.
Luke pulls out his lightsaber and slices the tentacle around his leg, and then does the same for Chewie. He then goes after Ken, who is getting even more stuck the more he struggles. Threepio calls out for Luke to look out because an arachnor is coming up behind him, and suddenly Luke is having a web wrapped around himself. I say again, some Jedi. Luke kills the arachnor with his lightsaber, but at this point he's wrapped up pretty well, and he drops his lightsaber, which sticks to the web just out of reach.
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| "But what about this picture that clearly shows the lightsaber on the ground?" "Eh, no one will notice, just fuckin' nerds." |
FWOOOOOOSH!
That sound is a ship flying over head, which Threepio says is an Imperial command speeder. It's now that he also notices a small tower in the distance, which the speeder is heading towards. The speeder lands at the tower, and five stormtroopers step out, escorting Grand Moff Muzzer. Once they look around, they notice other humans (our "heroes") and two of the stormtroopers head out to intercept them. Chewie stuck by the tentacle bush, and Threepio and Artoo stuck by being fucking cowards, all watch unable to do anything.
The leader of the stormtroopers recognizes Luke, and says that this should be worth a promotion. Luke tries to reach his lightsaber, but he's so stuck it's useless. Seriously? Here's a hint, use the fucking Force! I mean, it's well established that our main character can move things with his mind! We've even seen him do it with a lightsaber on more than one occasion in the movies! Now we're supposed to believe he's shit out of luck because it's out of reach?!
Anyway, the stormtroopers shoot both Luke and Ken with stun guns, and they're both knocked out. Damn, our main characters are really bad at what they do in these books. The webs are shot to pieces, and Luke and Ken are bound and taken away, with one stormtrooper grabbing the lightsaber as a present for Kadann. He even turns it on, "gleefully watching its green, glowing blade."
They're loaded into the ship, and are taken off the planet to the larger ship in orbit, "the Scardia Voyager".
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| I just don't even fucking know. |
They're loaded into the ship, and are taken off the planet to the larger ship in orbit, "the Scardia Voyager".
Aboard this command ship, Kadann is seated in his hi-chair on the navigation deck. High Prophet Jedgar and Prophet Gornash are standing on either side of him. Sorry for the useless blocking here, but that got it's own paragraph in the book, so I figured I'd give it one here, too.
The prisoners are brought before Kadann in chains, who smiles "with a dark glee of vengeance". Luke tries to use the Force (finally) but he's too stunned to concentrate enough. Kadann pours them tea (?) but Luke tells Ken not to drink it. But apparently Ken wasn't listening, because he quickly drinks a whole cup. Dumbass. He apologizes to Luke, saying he was too cold to turn it down. Then Kadann starts laying out some really shitty monologue material.
"Commander Skywalker objects," Kadann said, "because he suspects that this is avabush tea, made from avabush spice, a truth serum of sorts. But surely you don’t think that I would do such a thing as give a boy truth serum, do you? I think your friend Luke Skywalker is jealous of the freedom I can offer you, young man," Kadann continued. "He knows that his Jedi powers are no match for the powers of the Dark Side."
"Jedi powers are more than a match for any powers you can claim, Kadann," Luke retorted.
Apparently this is a totally awesome comeback, because now Kadann is speechless. He then notices the crystal around Ken's neck and asks his name. Ken is determined to give a false name, but because he was an idiot and drank the tea, he says, "They call me Ken." Kadann asks some more questions, and Ken keeps talking. Kadann asks him who his parents are, and Ken says that he thinks his name comes from Kenobi, so he thinks Obi-Wan Kenobi was his father, but he can't prove it.
Kadann mocks Ken by saying that's some fantasy he's created, and then says that they're heading to Yavin 4, and then the Lost City, right now. Luke says they'll never find it, and Kadann says they already have the coordinates thanks to Triclops. He then tells them about the microchip, but everyone already knows about that, so let's move on. Luke and Ken exchange a "knowing glance" (subtle) because they know Triclops had false info about that.
Luke and Ken are then led down a long hallway to an observation room with a huge window. Luke tries to reach the Force again, but is still too out of it. Soon they arrive above Yavin 4, and Kadann suddenly says that he thinks they got the info about the Lost City a little too easily. He then sends some stormtroopers to check it out, taking Grand Moff Hissa with them. He says that Hissa should be the first to descend the "tubular transport", because if it's a trick, then there's no loss since Hissa is scheduled to die anyway.
Luke and Ken watch on a remote viewing screen as the stormtroopers and Hissa head down to the surface in an Imperial command speeder. They put Hissa inside the elevator and press the button to go down. The transport goes down the tube for a little while, then comes to a stop. Hissa steers his chair out of the door, and suddenly finds himself over a large pit of lava. Since his chair is only designed to float a few feet up, he falls down the pit into the lava, bobbing up and down and being devoured by the molten sea.
Well, so much for that guy. Kadann realizes that it was a trap (sharpest mind in the Empire, here) and says that Luke will be the next to go down, unless Ken tells him the real location. Luke tells him not too, since Kadann will probably just kill them anyway, and I start wondering if there's a point to this, since they already fed Ken the truth serum stuff. Anyway, Kadann says that Luke is wrong, and that if Ken helps him, they'll be let free on Hoth, where they'll at least have a fighting chance. "And the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side never breaks his word of honor." Okaaaay.
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| Well. That just happened. But I bet it beats being eaten alive from the inside though. Also: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! |
Luke tells him to ignore Kadann, and reminds him about that prophecy from earlier. "When the Jedi Knight becomes a captive of Scardia, then shall the Jedi Prince betray the Lost City." Kadann tells Ken that he thinks Ken is about to join them, then tells the guards to take Luke away. Luke kicks a stormtrooper in the head, then tries the same with Jedgar, but the tall Jedgar grabs his foot and throws him to the ground. Some. Fucking. Jedi.
Kadann then walks over to a glass case and takes out a small piece of crystal, which is a half sphere. At his orders, Ken's hands are freed, and Kadann explains that the crystal he has is the other half of the crystal around Ken's neck. He says he got it from Ken's father, and shows how the two pieces fit perfectly together. Ken is confused because he can't figure out how Kadann could have the other piece.
"I know all the secrets of your life that are unknown to you, Ken," Kadann said. "I know who brought you to the Lost City of the Jedi. And I know who your father is-and your grandfather. When you take me to the Lost City, Ken, I shall reveal to you everything about who you are. For the first time in your life, young Jedi Prince, you’ll have the chance to learn where you came from-and your destiny!"
Anyone figured out where they're going with this yet?
Now Ken is feeling extremely tempted to just tell Kadann where the Lost City of the Jedi is. Then it actually mentions the truth serum, and how it is making resisting even harder. Shouldn't it make it impossible? Kadann then goes all Jedi mind trick and says, "You will tell me the location of the Lost City, Ken," and I really just wish they would be consistent with whether or not Kadann actually has Force powers. Maybe he has powers, just not prophecy telling powers? Eh, whatever.
Ken thinks that maybe Hoth won't be so bad, and before he knows what he's doing, he just goes and tells Kadann what he needs to know. Some Jedi Prince. Instantly, Kadann tells the navigators where to go, and the Scardia Voyager sets down on Yavin 4 near the "tubular transport" (I wish my elevators were called "turbolifts").
The door to the Voyager opens, and while Luke is kept prisoner on board, Ken leads the group to the wall. The groups consists of "Kadann, High Prophet Jedgar, Prophet Gornash, an Imperial intelligence agent who was an expert at computers, and a group of stormtroopers." Kadann had left instructions that if there were any "trickery" Luke was to be "destroyed". Authors? You already talking about a guy getting eating alive by bugs from the inside, and then killed a guy by dropping in lava while our "heroes" watched. You can say "kill". We'll be fine.
Ken leads the group to the tubular transport and they all head down.
Once the door opens, Kadann peers out, and we get the same description of the city we've gotten at least 3 times now. They head down Jedi Lane and as they pass Ken's old house, his "Zeebo the mooka" runs out, jumps into Ken's arms, and licks his face. Apparently, only now does Ken awaken to what he's done.
Kadann tells Ken to put the animal down. He does, and it runs off, but a stormtrooper follows it. Ken screams out to leave it alone, but the stormtrooper shoots it with a stun gun. Well that's just pointlessly mean. Ken tries to run towards it, but he's held back, then dragged along Jedi Lane.
They arrive at and enter the Jedi Library. "The hard boots of the stormtroopers stomped across the sleek, shiny floor, leaving behind ugly scrape marks." Those monsters.
Ken sees Dee-Jay, who runs up all hurt asking why Ken would lead the Empire here. "Ken’s eyes grew moist as he searched for an answer." I guess that passes for sad in these books. Kadann says to Dee-Jay that the droid should have seen this day coming because he's sure Dee-Jay read the prophecies. Dee-Jay says he read them, but never thought they would come true.
Kadann tells the Imperial intelligence agent with them to start up the computer, which he does. Kadann studies the blueprints of some Alliance sites, such as DRAPAC before saying the following:
Ken thinks that maybe Hoth won't be so bad, and before he knows what he's doing, he just goes and tells Kadann what he needs to know. Some Jedi Prince. Instantly, Kadann tells the navigators where to go, and the Scardia Voyager sets down on Yavin 4 near the "tubular transport" (I wish my elevators were called "turbolifts").
The door to the Voyager opens, and while Luke is kept prisoner on board, Ken leads the group to the wall. The groups consists of "Kadann, High Prophet Jedgar, Prophet Gornash, an Imperial intelligence agent who was an expert at computers, and a group of stormtroopers." Kadann had left instructions that if there were any "trickery" Luke was to be "destroyed". Authors? You already talking about a guy getting eating alive by bugs from the inside, and then killed a guy by dropping in lava while our "heroes" watched. You can say "kill". We'll be fine.
Ken leads the group to the tubular transport and they all head down.
Once the door opens, Kadann peers out, and we get the same description of the city we've gotten at least 3 times now. They head down Jedi Lane and as they pass Ken's old house, his "Zeebo the mooka" runs out, jumps into Ken's arms, and licks his face. Apparently, only now does Ken awaken to what he's done.
Kadann tells Ken to put the animal down. He does, and it runs off, but a stormtrooper follows it. Ken screams out to leave it alone, but the stormtrooper shoots it with a stun gun. Well that's just pointlessly mean. Ken tries to run towards it, but he's held back, then dragged along Jedi Lane.
They arrive at and enter the Jedi Library. "The hard boots of the stormtroopers stomped across the sleek, shiny floor, leaving behind ugly scrape marks." Those monsters.
Ken sees Dee-Jay, who runs up all hurt asking why Ken would lead the Empire here. "Ken’s eyes grew moist as he searched for an answer." I guess that passes for sad in these books. Kadann says to Dee-Jay that the droid should have seen this day coming because he's sure Dee-Jay read the prophecies. Dee-Jay says he read them, but never thought they would come true.
Kadann tells the Imperial intelligence agent with them to start up the computer, which he does. Kadann studies the blueprints of some Alliance sites, such as DRAPAC before saying the following:
"Your most protected installations shall soon suffer an Imperial assault-an assault more powerful and effective than any we have launched against you before," Kadann declared. "It will mean the end of the Rebel Alliance once and for all-in one fiery explosion!" Then Kadann turned to Ken. "And now," he said, "it is time for you to learn the true secret of your parentage."
Oh goodie, "plot twist" time. Dee-Jay says that now Ken will see why the droids never wanted him to know the truth. The computer then shows the face of a woman, and Kadann says, "Kendalina was a Jedi Princess who was captured by Imperials...She was forced to pledge allegiance to the Empire, and she was assigned to work for many years as an Imperial nurse on the planet Kessel, deep in the spice mines." Then he says that there she met Ken's father who was a pacifist being kept there. (Anyone got this one yet?) He has three eyes. (Anyone?) Two on the front of his head, one on the back. Then the computer shows Triclops, and Kadann says that he is Ken's father. (Anyone even a little surprised? Anyone?) It's like poetry, it rhymes...
Apparently Ken is surprised, because he gasps. Then Kadann says, "Behold-your grandfather!" and an image of Palpatine is shown on the screen, one of him sitting in his throne on the Death Star II. So they brought a photographer in at some point? Ken is screaming now, striking Dee-Jay in the chest while yelling out, "No, no . . ."
 |
| Heh, check out where Kadann is pointing. "Yes, Ken, you are two steps removed from the Emperor's dangly bits. Behold your origin, and despair." |
Dee-Jay calmly gripped Ken’s wrists, saying sternly, "Be still! Why do you think you were brought to us, Ken? Because your mother wanted you to have a chance to overcome your grandfather’s ways of darkness and evil. That’s why we were chosen to raise you," Dee-Jay explained, "so that, under the guidance and teaching of the caretaker droids of the Lost City, your Jedi heritage could win out over the Dark Side that is also a part of your heritage."
Really? We can't even get a "That's not true! That's unpossible!!" from the little pants-wetter? Lame.
Kadann puts an end to this plot dump by telling a stormtrooper to deactivate Dee-Jay, which he does using a panel on the droids back.
Then we go back to Luke, who is finally feeling the affects of the stun gun wear off and the Force is coming back to him. He senses a disturbance in the Force coming from below the ground, and feels like something terrible is happening in the Lost City. He also senses Leia nearby, and realizes that a rescue mission must be on the way. (...what?) He focuses on the cuffs, and uses the Force to release the lock.
CLIIIICK!
Yeah, what the onomatopoeia said. His hands now free, he yells at the guards, demanding to know where his tea is. (...okaaaay) The guards ask what the fuck he's babbling about, and Luke uses the Jedi mind trick to say that Kadann wants his tea, dammit, so get him the tea! Then he says to forget it, he'll get it himself, if they'll just open the door already. This works, and Luke walks out of the room he was being kept in. Well, at least he remembered he's a Jedi finally.
He walks around the ship and finds a display case with all kinds of nifty shit in it, including his lightsaber. There's a sign above it that reads
"LUKE SKYWALKER’S LIGHTSABER. And then, in smaller letters: THIS IS THE LIGHTSABER THAT CUT OFF THE RIGHT HAND OF DARTH VADER INSIDE THE IMPERIAL DEATH STAR."
He uses the Force to bring the lightsaber to him, crashing in through the glass case. He then turns it on and crouches down and looks to the rear of the ship, "certain that the Alliance assault would come in any second from that direction." This is followed by "Luke was right!" which is just awesome story telling.
A Rebel garrison storms the ship, "[l]ed by Alliance leader Mon Mothma," (really?) "and Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, See-Threepio, and Artoo-Detoo". They're using one of the old TNT ship left here by Trioculus. "Then the Alliance staged a lightning charge." Whatever that is. Han runs up to Luke and gives him shit about how the run for mushrooms was supposed to be an easy mission, and Luke asks how they found him. Threepio chimes in with some bullshit about a computation that he used to track them after Chewie freed himself. Then we get a "Groooaaawwwwf!" from Chewie and a "BdoobzOOOp!" because apparently as we get closer to the end of these books, the authors want to remind you what a shitstorm it's been.
Then they all head to the green wall (I guess they defeated all the Imperials) but the controls on the tubular transport aren't responding. Luke says he has an idea, and runs back to the TNT. He comes back with a heat shield suit, complete with helmet, and says he'll go down inside one of the steam vents that leads to the Lost City. That way he'll end up inside the city at the "Weather and Climate Control Center". They tell him that's crazy, but Luke says it's their only chance and Artoo finds a steam vent for him.
 |
| Just a reminder, later in the Expanded Universe Luke Skywalker walks across a lake of liquid hot magma and fights Volvagia. But steam is what he's worried about. |
When Luke peered down into the endless hole, he started to have second thoughts about his plan. He knew that Hologram Fun World had a ride through a black tube that twisted its way through a mile of darkness. But scary as that ride was, it was more like a slide. However, Luke realized that this ride would be more like a tumbling fall-and straight down for most of the way, with only the clouds of rising, hot steam to slow his descent!
He thinks of Ken, calms himself, and jumps down the vent.
Now we're back with Kadann, who is telling Ken that he has great potential in the Dark Side. Kadann says he's never wrong, except that one time he told Trioc to kill Ken, because clearly Ken should be the one to rule the Empire. Ken says "Never!" and Kadann tells his guards, "Seize him!" Was he going anywhere? Then he tells them to take Ken out of the library.
He asks his intelligence agent if there's any way to remove the files, but he's told that removing them would destroy the files and all the info they contain. Kadann says that, in that case, they will have to just take the whole damn computer with them back to the ship.
"Shut this city down," Kadann hissed. "Its final hour has come at last."
The Imperials leave the library and are heading back to the tubular transport, with the computer on a massive floating platform. Everything shuts down as they pass it, droids, lights, everything, although we don't find out how. I'm going to assume they're shooting everything, because that makes for a better image.
Suddenly Kadann sees Luke blocking their path. "How was this possible, Kadann wondered, when Luke was Kadann’s prisoner on board the Scardia Voyager?" Um, he escaped? Seems pretty obvious to me.
Luke demands they let the boy go. No one does anything, so he swings the lightsaber near Kadann and again says to let the boy go. (Oooh, now they know you mean business. They better watch out, or he'll swing it even closer!) "Just then Luke charged a group of stormtroopers" (read: sliced them to pieces") and frees Ken. As they're running away, the mooka Zeebo runs up, and Ken picks up him and carries him with him. Lasers are shooting after them as they run to the "tubular transport".
"Prophet Gornash" points out that there's no reason to go after them, since they have the computer. But, as the computer is moved, one of the stormtroopers "firing his portable laser cannon after Ken and Luke, accidentally let loose with a blast that zoomed right toward Kadann." What? "Kadann moved quickly out of the path of danger. The laserblast struck the master Jedi computer instead, imploding the data screen and melting the main controls." Huh? "'NOOOO!' Kadann shouted." Wait, what just happened? The computer was behind, right? Did they move it into the line of fire? Were the stormtroopers behind all of them while shooting? This makes no damn sense, and it's the reason the bad guys lost the computer. I...seriously don't understand what just happened.
Whatever, we're clearly not going to get a good explanation, because Luke, Ken, and Zeebo just got to the tubular transport, got it, and are riding it to the surface. As they are riding, Ken tells Luke that Triclops is his father. Luke seems shocked (really?) but calmly asks how he knows that. Ken then repeats the entire scene we already watched. But he also adds, "So now you know the terrible truth. You now know where I come from-from evil." Yup, I guess it's time to die.
Luke reminds him that Darth Vader was his father, so I guess they're going to start a "descended from evil" club. He says that Ken still can prove himself to be good, so to not worry about it. Ken says he doesn't know if he's strong enough, but Luke tells him he will be.
"Ken, no one is responsible for who their parents are. Or their grandparents. The choices they made in their lives are their own. But the choices we make are our own. We can’t blame ourselves for the evil that our parents and grandparents did-only for what we do. And so it’s up to each of us to make the right choices in life, to trust in the Force, and become the person that we know we should be."
Huh. That's...that's actually a pretty good moral to the story. Props. How long until we get back to the utter stupidity?
But suddenly the tubular transport started to vibrate furiously. Then it slowed to a dead stop halfway up the elevator shaft.
The power had failed. They were trapped.
There we go.
Then we go to see Triclops, who is sitting in his cell. Before he could be given his macaab mushroom stuff, he feels a need to sit down and write a letter. once he finishes the letter, we get my favorite sentence in these books yet: "he suddenly changed from a passive and gentle person to an angry maniac with superhuman strength." Well, that must be some letter. The guards look on in terror, and Triclops grabs their weapons, crushes them, and then throws the guards against the wall. He then forces open the bars of the two security doors and jumps through them.
 |
| "TRICLOPS SMASH!!" |
Then we're back with Luke and Ken as they are sitting in darkness inside the non-moving transport. Ken is doom and gloom, and Luke reminds him that they still have the Force. He closes his eyes, focuses with the Force, and then the transport begins to move again. It's slow going, and there's still a mile to go, so he asks Ken to help him. "Ken knew that this tubular transport was like a deep underground coffin. If it never moved again, the transport would become their tomb-in a million years, some explorer might find this elevator shaft and discover their remains." Those are some dark thoughts there, Ken. He calms down, reaches out with the Force, and helps Luke move it faster. Eventually they reach "Topworld" and step out into the sunlight. There they are reunited with the members of SPIN.
Then they all start wondering what to do about Kadann, who is still trapped in the Lost City below. Princess Leia says that could just permanently disable the transport, I guess meaning they would just starve Kadann to death, but Luke reminds her of the steam vents. But at least for the moment he's trapped. Ken then feels a moment of sadness, because he'll never see Dee-Jay again. Anyway, they disable the transport and head back to the Senate building. (Are they really just leaving, not even thinking about Kadann anymore? He's down there with the computer, for crying out loud, and you've been saying how important that thing is for 5 books now!)
Once they're back, Ken discovers he won't be able to speak to his father, because he pulled that whole "tear through bars and leave" trick. The last anyone had seen of him, he was running into the forest. But Ken does find the letter that Triclops had been writing. For best effect, please listen to this track while reading along.
Dear Ken,
I’ve missed you ever since you were taken from me and sent to live with the droids in the Lost City of the Jedi. I’ve known since the day you and Luke rescued me back on Duro that you are my son. I knew by the birth crystal you wore.
I know what a shock it must have been for you to realize that your grandfather was Emperor Palpatine. And the things I must do in the days ahead will surely shock you just as much. All I can say is, do not believe all the terrible things you will hear about me.
Trust in me. And if the day comes when you can no longer have faith in me, then trust in the Force, as your Jedi mother Kendalina did. Perhaps then you will discover that there is goodness in my heart.
Until we meet again,
Your loving father,
Triclops
How sweet. I guess. Ken decides not to show anyone the letter (which is fine, I'm not sure anyone else would care about any of that) and refuses to give up home of seeing Triclops again. I should say not, the guy is just running around a forest. There's no way this guy will just disappear form the EU, never to be heard from again. Oh, wait...
Then we arrive at the day of Han and Leia's wedding. No, really. I know you may think that happens later, but apparently it happens now. Which causes a bit of a problem with the canon, but I guess this next scene no longer counts. So let's get to it!
Leia is standing at the head of a red carpet holding a bouquet, when she suddenly has a vision of the future.
It was a glimpse of a time to come-a time when Leia would live with Han peacefully and safely in his sky house, floating in the air near Cloud City. It was also a time after their children had already been born.
Leia saw Han sitting with their children-there were two of them, one on each knee-as Han told the kids stories about his adventures flying the Millennium Falcon in the days of the great battles against the evil Empire.
Would their children be twins? Taking a quick breath, Leia wondered if she and Han could possibly handle twins. She struggled to glimpse the hazy vision more clearly, to see whether their children were to be boys or girls-or a boy and a girl? But her vision vanished before the answer came to her.
Well, it depends on what continuity we're in. If this follows the old Canon, then yeah, it's twins, one of who will bang a future Emperor and take part in a bug orgy, the other of which takes after his grandfather, but in his pre-badass armor phase. And if it's the Nu-Canon...well, we honestly don't know at this point in time.
There's not an eye-roll icon big enough for that scene. Anyway, she nods to herself, accepting whatever responsibility is coming her way, and takes her first step down the aisle.
So the series ends here, all the major antagonists except for Zorba and Kadann are dead, and Triclops is running around Yavin 4 like the Star Wars equivalent of Bigfoot.
And I think that's probably the best note to end this series on.
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