Let's Read Jedi Prince 3: Zorba the Hutt's Revenge!

Once again an awesome cover by Drew Struzan. Leia looks great, Trioculus is doing his best I-am-an-evil-male-hand-model pose, and yeah, that's a Hutt with Dreadlocks, or braids, or something. So yes, this book is indeed about, not only Hutts, but Zorba the Hutt. Who is Zorba the Hutt? Well, for that, I'm going to have to delve into the intro summary a bit more than usual.

It does the basic recap of the movies like always, but then has this bit.

In the meantime, the bloated Hutt had taken Princess Leia as his prisoner, keeping her chained beside him. But Leia was able to escape, killing Jabba in self defense. She twisted her chain around his fat neck, and kept on twisting it until Jabba gasped his final wretched breath. The galaxy was rid of that vicious, blubbering beast at last.

Though word of Jabba’s death spread from planet to planet throughout the galaxy, the news never reached the dungeons of the mud-ball planet known as Kip. It was there on Kip that Zorba the Hutt had been imprisoned long ago for illegally mining precious gemstones.

But within the first year after Jabba the Hutt’s death, Kip was conquered by alien pirates, and Zorba was released from prison. The pygmy aliens of the mud-ball planet had never figured out how to fly Zorba’s spaceship, the Zorba Express. So the spaceship was still waiting for him, docked at the same muddy cliff where it had been left when Zorba was captured. He dug up his hidden supply of gemstones, and then climbed aboard his spaceship, setting his course for Tatooine.

Zorba fully expected to find his son Jabba alive and well, happy to welcome his father back to his palace. But a shocking surprise awaited Zorba. The fury of a Hutt was about to be unleashed-a fury known as Zorba the Hutt’s revenge!

Sorry, that was just easier to reprint than summarize, it's so fucking nuts. The basics of the above are Jabba has a father, who was imprisoned, and is now free, and is going to be pissed as hell when he finds out his son is dead. Oh, and he has a ship called the Zorba Express. I just felt like mentioning that again. Everyone good to go? Here we go.

As we start, we join Luke, in a Y-Wing, on his way to Cloud City for Han's housewarming party. Oh hell, we're on this again? Well, it seems the house is finally built, so we're going to have to spend some time on this.

Luke has an idea for what to get Han as a present. He can get him an "ultrahigh-density household communication screen!" I guess this is what they call televisions. Ken (who is also in the Y-Wing) reminds Luke that Han already has two of those. (Duh.) Luke says to scratch that idea, along with all other ten ideas he's come up with. Ken now concentrates hard trying to think of a gift, which, while they don't say it, I think means that Ken is using the Force to come up with gift ideas. It's going to be a long book.

Then he has it! A housekeeping droid! C-3PO then says (wait, 3PO is in the Y-Wing, too? Where?) that that is a wonderful idea. Microchip also agrees (he's here, too? How big are these Y-Wings now?). Artoo toots, "Tzzzooop bcheeeech!" which either means he agrees or that it looks really crowded in that Y-Wing cockpit. Anyway, everyone is on for that. (the conversation actually goes on for much longer than that, but I'll spare you)

Luke tells R2 to slow the ship, because they're going to make a stop at Tatooine and go to Mos Eisley for the droid. Because, you know, we haven't been there in a while, so we should stop in at the biggest dive in the galaxy. Luke points out that they are going to go to the "Droidfest of Tatooine". It's loaded with JDTs, which stands for Jawa Droid Traders. Did that need an acronym? Ken says he's pretty sure that he read about the Droidfest of Tatooine in the Jedi Library, and my eyes have already started bleeding.

Sign not in Aurebesh, FAIL.

Ken thinks about how much he learned from the Jedi Library. Some things were useless, like why Mynocks sometimes flew upside down in asteroids. Some things were more helpful, like secrets of the Imperial Command that Trioculus would never want known. DJ the droid caretaker told Ken to never reveal any of these secrets to anyone, not even Commander Skywalker. Why? Seriously, why? I would think that anything that the Empire doesn't want out is something worth blaring on a loud speaker. Oh well, I guess the plot will require some characters to not know something Ken knows later on.

So they land in Mos Eisley and make their way through the crowds. They rent a landspeeder and are off across the desert. They spot the sandcrawlers, all getting together for the Droidfest, when Ken spots Jabba's palace. He asks Luke who lives there now, and he says it's vacant. Apparently when Jabba died, they never found his will. So the government of Tatooine (wait, there's a government of Tatooine? Could have fooled me.) took possession of the palace. For a while they turned it into the "Tatooine Retirement Home for Aged Aliens"

But it closed due to budget problems. Apparently he also owned "Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino in Cloud City", which Lando had now taken over.

Anyway, the less said about that for now the better (unfortunately, we'll get back to that later). The Jawas had apparently set up some colorful tents for their droidfest, and our group goes from tent to tent looking for a droid. Eventually they find the perfect droid, "a female droid named KT-18". Her body was the color of pearl, and clearly a top of the line HSD (Housekeeping Specialist Droids, in the latest in our continuing saga of useless acronyms). When they talk to her, she says she actually goes by the name Kate. Of course she does.

And now you have the weirdest boner, don't you? Sicko.

Then we get a sentence which, taken out of context, is down right horrifying. "Kate," said Luke. "I like that. We’re thinking of purchasing you to serve a good friend of ours." If you didn't know that was a droid, we'd be entering a very different kind of book.

Anyway, they describe Han to her, and she says she's dealt with Corellian pilots before, and always managed to straighten them out. Oh good, now we'll have a sassy female droid for comic relief. 3PO then gets permission from one of the Jawas to "open up Kate’s back panel and check the quality of her circuitry."

Huh. Hey, you ever see that Star Wars knock-off film, StarChaser: The Legend of Orin?

Because I think the authors of this book did.

Just as they finish the purchase, a dust cloud appears behind Jabba's palace. Only instead of just a dust cloud, this is actually dozens of Banthas being ridden by Tusken Raiders, hollering war slogans and waving their spears. Apparently they and the Jawas are having a "land dispute" because the sand people say that this is their holy burial ground. But the Jawas say that since it used to belong to Jabba, and so now the government, it's perfect legal to use it for Droidfest. But that clearly doesn't matter to the Tusken Raiders, who trample the tents and damage a bunch of droids.

Ken barely dodges a spear, and Luke shouts for them to all get to the sandcrawler, so they all climb in one of them. Luke, meanwhile, stays outside and fights with the sand people.

"Just tryin' to make dad proud!"

And now we go to Zorba the Hutt, who is in his spaceship the Zorba Express, on his way to visit Jabba. He's imagining the welcome he'll receive, and it's all greasy foods and people bathing him. Really terrible stuff. He tries to make contact with, "Attention, Jabba, come in. It’s your papa, Zorba. Do you read me? Over!" but there is no reply. This concerns Zorba, so they just land. The bell shaped Huttian ship lands with a "CHIZOOOOOK! SQUEEEEGE!" and I'll let you use your imagination for those sounds.

He slithers up to the main door, and our good friend the mechanical eye pops out and asks what business he has. Apparently someone's been keeping up the power bill. Zorba says he's there to see his son Jabba, but the mechanical eye tells him that Jabba no longer lives there. How coy. The eye says it's under new management, and says that Hutts are no longer allowed inside. This understandably upsets Zorba, on account of it being fucking racist. The eye then leaves.

Zorba decides to get to the bottom of this, so he heads to Mos Eisley in his ship. Once there he heads to the cantina, which, thanks to Jabba, now has a door big enough to accommodate Hutts. Once there he notices an Imperial Grand Moff at the bar. The Moff, by the way, has pointy teeth. Yeah, it's Hissa. He's pointing at a poster that says "WANTED BY EMPEROR TRIOCULUS! A JEDI PRINCE NAMED KEN FROM THE LOST CITY OF THE JEDI! GENEROUS REWARD!"

A Twi'lek asks Hissa what this Ken looks like, and asks if he's a relative of Kenobi. Hissa says that he's not authorized to release that info (then I wouldn't expect results) but does say that he was seen leaving Yavin Four with Luke Skywalker.

Zorba then lets out a "AHEMMMM!" from behind him, and they all turn around to look at "his huge, wrinkled body, with its braided white hair and white beard." Charming. He then tells everyone he's Zorba the Hutt, and is looking for his son Jabba. Then everyone gets all awkward and tries not to stare. Someone tells him to calm down and have "a drink of zoochberry juice", but Zorba says he won't calm down and offers five gemstones to anyone who talks. Suddenly everyone starts running their mouths off like they're Jabba's own autobiographer.

Then Hissa yells out "You seem to be about the only creature this side of the Dune Sea who doesn’t know that Jabba the Hutt is dead." Zorba is taken aback, grabbing his chest (would those little arms reach? Nevermind, this is supposed to be a serious scene) and asks how he died. 

Several people say he was killed by Princess Leia in cold blood. The Twi'lek explains the whole story, with the choking and all. Then we get this.

Zorba’s yellow eyes bulged from their sockets. "In the name of the ancient conqueror, Kossak the Hutt, I swear that this Princess Leia shall die!"

Let's be fair here, the only thing a Hutt ever conquered was the all-you-can-eat menu.

Zorba then asks who owns the palace, and Hissa says (when did he become an expert in Tatooine real estate laws?) that since Jabba didn't have a will, the Planetary Government of Tatooine took possession. He says that only the Ranats (meter-tall rodents) live there now. Zorba then hires 10 bounty hunters to come with him to the palace, who will apparently get paid when the job is done.

When they get there Tibor, who I guess is one of the bounty hunters, shoots the front door down with a KABAAAMMMMM!! Inside the palace is a wreck, torn to pieces by the Ranats. None of the bounty hunters could see in the dark, but Zorba could because apparently Jabba had built the palace with ultraviolet luminous stones which Hutts can see even in the dark. Once inside the banquet hall, he opens a hidden door and finds a barrel shaped droid. He flips it on...

TZZZZZZT!

...like that, I guess, and the droid greets him with a "Zizeeeeep!". Zorba asks CB-99, which is the name of the droid, it seems, if he has all his memory banks, including file "JTHW". "Zizoooop!" appears to be the droid version of yes, so Zorba is happy with this. He says that they (?) will learn that Jabba's will was here in the palace all along! He then lets out a belly laugh that sounds like "A-HAW-HAW-HAWWWW! . . ."

When last we left Luke, he had just sent Ken and the droids into the sandcrawler and was about to unload on some Tusken Raiders. So at least we'll get an action scene out of this book now that we're rejoining him...

When Luke had found himself outnumbered by the attacking sand people, he had taken the wise defensive action of leaping into the sandcrawler and slamming shut the thick, metal door. Ken and the droids, already safe inside, were relieved to see him.

...You fucking cockteasing whore of a book.

So yeah, we're inside the sandcrawler with Luke, Ken, Threepio, Artoo, Chip, and Kate. Apparently it's hot, being as how they are inside a metal container in a desert that has two suns above it. Why do we keep coming back to this place again?

The sandcrawler is one of many heading back towards Mos Eisley "the long, slow way". But they're fine with that because it was the most practical way for Luke and crew to get back to the Y-Wing and pile everybody into it so they can not be late to Han's housewarming party. I guess they're not too concerned with returning the rented landspeeder. There goes Luke's credit.

By the time they reached Mos Eisley it was nighttime, and was so late the cantina was closed. I wonder what last call is like at the Mos Eisley cantina. Luke leaves a note at the landspeeder rental desk that he left their landspeeder in the middle of the desert, and that he hopes the "Tatooine Planetary Insurance Company" will cover it. If not, they can just bill SPIN, he writes.

Just as they are approaching the docking back with the Y-Wing, two bounty hunters jump out and draw their guns, one a Twi'lek and the other an Aqualish. They immediately start firing, and Luke draws his lightsaber. The book doesn't say he reflects the laser bolts or anything, it just says he draws it, so I guess the bounty hunters have really bad aim.

And I seriously have no clue what the fuck is going on with the back of that guy's head.

The Twi'lek says that Trioculus has offered a bounty for Ken, and that they knew he would be with Skywalker. Luke has apparently had enough of their talking already, however, because he jumps between both of them and slices them up with his lightsaber. Seriously. That's...actually rather impressive for this book. Although, it apparently makes the sound "CRASSSSSHH!" when he does it. I think the sounds "SLICE" and "AAARGH! MY FACE!" would have been a bit more accurate, but hey it's a kids book.

Luke says they should get going, and so they get into the Y-Wing. It says Artoo sits next to Luke in the copilot position, and since, to my knowledge the Y-Wing was a two man fighter, I have no idea where everyone else is sitting.

Oh, now I see: a Y-Wing is actually a TARDIS.

They take off and set a course for Bespin.

Luke asks if Ken knows why Trioc is after him, and Ken says he has no idea. Luke doesn't buy this and says that he must have some idea why Trioc burned down half of Yavin Four looking for him, but Ken just shakes his head. Luke chastises him for lying, and Ken finally says that Trioc is after him because he knows too much about Trioc. When Luke asks what that stuff is, Ken says he can't tell him because it would make Luke's life more dangerous than it already was. Luke apparently finds this withholding of vital information for no reason acceptable, and drops it.

They arrive in Bespin space, and Luke starts giving a lesson on the system. He points out the two moons, talks about how Bespin is a gas giant, that kind of stuff. He talks about the different levels of Cloud City, the top with hotels and casinos, and the lower levels called Port Town that was a dangerous place. They land and are met by Lando.

Lando greets them, and calls Ken short, which gets a "I'm tall for my age" from Ken. Then Lando says that they call him "Baron Administrator Calrissian" and it occurs to me that even in shitty books Lando is a pimp. Seriously, that's actually a cool sounding title. He also adds that if Ken is a friend of Luke then he can call him Lando.

Ken looks off into the distance to try and see Han's sky house but can barely make it out. It's hard to see through all the brown haze in the sky. Lando say that they call that "braze", and it's due to air pollution. And now we get the force-fed message of this book. In the first one it was whaling, in the second one it was the importance of rain forests, and now it's air pollution.

Even in the middle of an environmental PSA, Lando is still the biggest pimp in the galaxy though.

Lando goes on about it for a while, but then says that they can blame it on Trioculus because he has setup a war production on a huge factory floating on the liquid core of the planet. Which doesn't sound particularly possible, but it's Star Wars so I'll let it go. It seems that Trioc is mining metals (in a gas giant?) and gas in the planet core. Lando sent him messages asking him "politely" to knock it off, but seeing as how he's a power crazy self proclaimed Emperor that was not exactly the most affective method.

Lando loans them a Cloud Car to go to Han's party, and says that he'll join up with them later because he has some police business to attend to. It seems some Rodian has a new method for cheating at sabacc and he's trying to break the bank at the Holiday Towers.

Luke and crew get to Han's floating house, and the party is in fully swing. And the whole thing sounds like the least Han thing they could have created. There's "dancing, music, friendly conversation" and the floating mansion is filled with "humans, aliens, and droids, all bumping into one another’s elbows, claws, fins, flippers, and metal arms." Does this really sound like something Han would throw? I mean, he's a rogue pilot, who has been helping the Alliance against his better judgment because of his friendship with Luke and his feelings for Leia. Now he's a party animal and socialite? This really makes absolutely zero sense.

Leia is in the center of the room seated on a gigantic floating pillow. Below her Han is "playing the role of a busy host", making sure everyone's zoochberry glasses were full, catching up with old buddies that kind of thing. Admiral Ackbar is here too, telling war stories, and this has officially become the strangest party I've ever heard of. And then Han starts opening his housewarming gifts.

The whole thing starts getting even stranger. Han runs into the kitchen to cook, then Chewie puts on an apron to take over so Han can dance with Leia. The band is playing all of Han's favorite Correllian folk dances, and Han teaches Leia the "Space Pirate Boogie". Han then asks the band to play "Sweet Lady from Alderaan" because he figures that will make Leia happy, but Leia bursts into tears. And I starting laughing because I swear this seems like a scene out of a David Lynch movie or something. It's a runaway train of crazy. And I'd like to take this time to throw in a big fat

Leia starts coughing because of the "braze" and Han tells Chewie to raise the house another hundred feet or so to get above it. Han and Leia have some argument about how running away from the "braze" isn't going to solve the problem, but instead they'll need to fix the source, and Han just keeps cracking jokes. I use the term "jokes" very lightly, mind you.

Luke and crew walk up then and introduce Han to his housewarming gift. Han asks for a demonstration, and Kate vaporizes a stain on the ceiling with a laser of some sort. Han is impressed, and then Kate says that Han is the most handsome pilot she's ever met. I'm a little worried at this point about what else Kate can do for Han. He makes a joke about how Leia shouldn't be jealous, but she says that as long as "she’s a droid with metallic microcircuits, I think I can keep my jealousy under control."

 I wouldn't be so sure about that, but whatever.

Ackbar tries to get Ken's attention to tell him war stories, but Ken distracts him with Threepio and Artoo. Which seems rather disrespectful for the Admiral that commanded the fleet of the largest battle in the Galactic Civil War. It would be like being at a party in 1945 and saying, "Oh crap, General Eisenhower is on his way over. Quick, look busy." Ken ducks away to take a tour of the house with Leia.

Ken looks out the window and complains about the "braze" again (this chapter is both my favorite and least favorite chapter in the history of books, by the way) and Leia hands him some macro-binoculars to see better. Ken uses them and sees a Huttian ship in the distance. Leia remarks how strange that is because the Hutts barely ever come to Cloud City anymore, since Jabba used to own Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino, and since his death they haven't felt welcome. (well, Luke said that last part, but he just came out of nowhere in this scene, so I didn't notice it at first)

Luke grabs the macro-binoculars and takes a look. He zooms in and can read the name on the side of the ship: The Zorba Express.

I seriously don't know what the fuck.

Now we join the Zorba Express as it settles onto a landing bay in Cloud City.

CHIZOOOOOK! SQUEEEEEEEEEGE!

Once again, this is how a Huttian spaceship sounds when it lands. The Space Dock attendants can't help but stare at it, because it's apparently a piece of shit. It's not likely to be able to make more than a couple more flights before it wouldn't be likely to even break the sound barrier.

The door to the ship opens and Zorba, CB-99, and Tibor the bounty hunter all come out. They immediately head to the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino. They find themselves in the lobby, which is filled with all kinds of games and bright lights. Zorba slithers up to a fancy clerk droid and demands to have the key to Jabba the Hutt's suite. The clerk informs him that the suite is no longer reserved for Jabba, on account of they don't reserve suites for dead slugs.

You decide what's weirder: the guy with the fishlips and top-knot, or the sterotypical dork to his left.

Zorba says that he is Jabba's father, and that he now owns this place, and the clerk informs him of the change in ownership (Lando owns it). Zorba spits on the marble floor (I'm impressed he could lean far enough over to avoid just spitting on himself) and demands to see this Lando Calrissian. He says Lando can find him at the sabacc tables.

A short while later Lando approaches said sabacc tables and sees Zorba and CB-99. He watches as Zorba takes out more gemstones to continue gambling and introduces himself. Zorba tells Lando to get his things out of the suite, because he's moving in, or Tibor will "send what’s left of you to the nearest Cloud City mortuary." Lando realizes that there is no way to reason with a Hutt, so he would have to trick him somehow. He just had to talk him into playing a game of sabacc with him.

Lando reflects (oh jesus) of the time he lost the Falcon to Han in a game of sabacc, but thinks about how he has learned a lot since then. He is now, apparently, the best sabacc player in Cloud City. He challenges Zorba to a game. The stakes are if Lando wins, Zorba has to leave. If Zorba wins, Lando has to leave Cloud City forever and install Zorba as the governor before he goes. Which sounds like a terrible wager, but we have to move the plot along, so here we go.

Oh, I almost forgot. They seal the deal with a spit hand shake. So...there's that.

Zorba takes out his own deck and says he wants to use it. Lando says that's ridiculous, because they use the deck that belongs to the casino here. Zorba says that since he owns the casino, his deck is the casino's deck. Lando points out that whole no will thing, which gets a "A-HAW-HAW-HAWWW!" from Zorba. He tells CB-99 to play the file labeled JTHW.

He does and a hologram of Jabba the Hutt appears, and it's of him reading his will.

"Since I have no wife or children," the hologram of Jabba explained, "if I should die before my dear father, then everything I own shall belong to Zorba the Hutt, including my palace on Tatooine, my hacienda in Mos Eisley City, the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino in Cloud City, and-" 

Apparently the list goes on with the rest of his possessions, but the relevant parts have already been established. Lando's heart sinks, but he inspects the deck and finds nothing wrong with it. So he figures (stupidly) that he might as well use it. He then proceeds to lose every hand. Apparently Zorba had put ultraviolet marks on all the cards so he could win. Color me unsurprised.

So Lando loses and up and leaves his suite and will now be leaving Cloud City for good. Well, that was fast.

Then we're back with Han at his sky house (yes!) but the party was just ending (damn) and the last of the guests are filing out. He's disappointed that his good friend Lando didn't show up. Within two hours Kate had the place cleaned up. She apparently even wrote thank you notes to all the guests. This is Star Wars, remember. Thought a reminder might be nice at this point.

"Roww-groooowwf!" Chewbacca howled, which apparently means that Han would be fucked without a housekeeping droid, and Han agrees. He thanks Luke for it, and Luke says to thank Ken because it was his idea. (For God's sake, we're halfway through this damn book at this point! What the hell is going on!) Anyway, Threepio chimes in that it was he who had really convinced Luke it was a good idea, or something. I really don't care, though.

Han thanks Leia for coming, they kiss, then there's a BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! at the communication beeper. He goes into his room and brings up the call on his super awesome high def tv phone thingy, and Lando's face comes up on the screen.

Lando fills him in on his colossal fuck up at the card tables, and how he's leaving Cloud City for good. Han is surprised to hear about Zorba being back, and Lando says that Zorba is now Han's new governor. Lando also says he'll be fine, he has a few ideas up his sleeve, namely something having to do with the theme park business. I'm sure it will surprise no one that this is not the last we'll be hearing of this.

Lando then says that he overheard Zorba talking about how he found out about Leia killing Jabba. "He’s got the look of revenge in his big, ugly reptilian eyeballs." But he doesn't know Leia is on Bespin, so for now she's safe. And with a CLICK!! the screen turns black.

Han calls Leia in and fills her in, telling her they need to leave. Then Ken screams from the other room that Kate fell! Oh no! Apparently she was cleaning the observation balcony and fell over the railing into the clouds. So, that was a fast turn around between meeting useless character and said character falling to their death...

"I’m going after her!" Luke shouted.

Wonderful. Luke runs to the cloud car convertible Lando gave them earlier and flies off. Leia also jumped into the car with him, because it's been too long since she did anything, I guess.

WHOOOOOSH!

The cloud car takes off and flies into the thick "braze". (I refuse to type that word without quotation marks) Luke hits the accelerator and is now moving faster than the droid is falling. Eventually they catch up with her, and they get beneath her, adjust their speed, and catch her. Kate thanks Luke, and Leia points out how close she came to falling into the liquid metal core. When Luke looks down, he sees Trioculus' factory barge.

The barge was vast-a huge metal platform floating above the Rethin Sea. And on the platform were several dozen enormous factories.

It also gives a description of what's made there, but it's really just a bunch of made up words that all boil down to the same thing: weapons. And brown gas can be seen pouring out of the smoke stacks at the top. Leia suggests they take a closer look, because they might just be able to find a way to stop the "braze". Luke reluctantly agrees.

As they get closer the laser defense system turns on and starts shooting at the cloud car. So this was just a great idea. Luke tries to dodge the blasts, but given the maneuverability of a cloud car is crap, they get hit. A lot. They start losing altitude fast and smash into the barge.

SCREEEEEECH!

The cloud car slides across the barge platform before coming to a stop in front of a factory. Luke sees a car filled with stormtroopers heading their way, and Luke, Leia, and Kate jump out of the car and start running. The stormtroopers surround the now empty cloud car, and some break off to get Luke and crew on foot. Luke sees a safety ladder that heads down into the barge, and Kate heads down first to make sure it's safe. She is the expendable one, after all. Leia then heads down, but Luke gets distracted by three stormtroopers who show up and pulls his lightsaber. While Luke fights with two of them, the third one pulls Leia back up.

When Luke takes out one of the stormtroopers (read: slices him to pieces) another stormtrooper shoves him down the whole with the ladder. Kate breaks his fall, but as he looks up the stormtroopers slide a metal cover over the whole.

CHOOOIIIIIIIG!

Um, yeah. So Leia is still topside and captured by the stormtroopers.

TCCHHHHHHHHH

That is apparently the sound of poisonous gas being flooded into the tunnel. (What the hell are these tunnels for?) Luke concentrates and opens the latch to the metal cover with the Force. He jumps out of the whole and looks around for Leia, but she and the stormtroopers are nowhere to be found.

While waiting for Luke and Leia to return, Han is showing off his two "streamlined cloud racing cars in his cloud car garage" to Ken. Because I guess he has nothing better to do. He's saying that if he enters the Cloud Car Racing Finals, he'll probably use the blue "Custom Model-Q Foley", and he asks Ken if he would like to sit in it, which Ken jumps at.

Ken asks how old he has to be in order to get a license, and Han tells him it's 18 for humans, 20 for aliens. Which seems just a tad racist. Or xenophobic, whatever. Ken, being the Jedi Prince that he is, starts pressing buttons to see what they do.

FWEEEEP!

One of them opens up the garage door. Han starts talking about how he's getting worried about Luke and Leia, since they should have gotten back by now. Ken says that they might have gotten a bite to eat, and Han says he doubts it due to all the food that was at the party. Ken says that Leia barely touched Han's Corellian cooking, and Han gets all wounded animal and asked why. Ken says it's too fattening, Han checks his gut and says he's not fat...sorry, I phased out for a second there. I just can't believe this stuff is being discussed in a Star Wars book.

Chewie runs out and screams, "Rowwwwrf! Groouuuuf!", which Han says means that Luke transmitted a distress signal. Han didn't get it himself because his beeper was turned off. (Not a joke, they say this)

Han says he'll be back in a flash and leaves Ken in the cloud car. Then we get a separate line saying, "But Han didn’t come back in a flash" which seems like they're making it way more dramatic than it has any right to be. Ken gets bored and starts pretending to fly the cloud car, only he actually pushes forward on the accelerator and the car flies off. (Yay, crazy hijinks!)

Ken holds his own in the car, because apparently they trained him for flying cloud cars in the Jedi Library too. That'll be used as a kind of catch-all for whatever they want Ken to do, you'll notice. He starts doing loops, flying really fast, almost hits another cloud car...

"OOOOO-EEEEE! . . . OOOOO-EEEEE! .. ."

And then a cloud police car starts blaring and chasing after him. It uses an invisible tractor beam (did we need to know it was invisible?) and toes the car into a landing bay. The cloud cop says he doesn't look 18, and asks for his registration. Ken tries explaining that this was all a big mistake, and then the idiot starts blabbing about all kinds of stuff he shouldn't tell anyone, really, seeing as how there's a bounty on his head. Stuff like how he came to Bespin with Luke Skywalker.

One cloud cop points out to the other than there's a big reward for turning in a Jedi Prince with Skywalker, so they arrest Ken and take him to "Cloud City Police Headquarters."

Meanwhile, back at his sky house, Han is losing his mind. He tells Threepio to take his red "Model-X1 Zhurst" cloud car to find Ken, and he plans on going with Chewie in the Falcon to find out what happened to Luke and Leia.

Then suddenly the narrative switches again to Trioculus' private chamber, where Leia is. It's high up in the tallest tower of the factory barge and has "modern Imperial art and elegant furniture".

"The three-eyed tyrant, Trioculus, gave a sly smile as he stared at his lovely captive." I feel icky. He offers Leia a seat, trying to sound charming and not like a three-eyed mutant with a scarred face, but Leia refuses. She asks what happened to Luke, and when Trioc says he's dead she doesn't believe him. Even when Trioc says, "Sadly, your Luke Skywalker has departed from the world of the living," which would totally have convinced me.

The dialogue in this part just keeps getting worse and worse, so it's hard to describe it without just showing you. Here, Leia says she would have felt it if Luke had died, and Trioc fires back with, "Perhaps not. Down here, by the Rethin Sea, feelings are dulled. All feelings-that is except my feelings for you, Princess Leia!" Trioc will not be getting laid, I hope you don't mind that I spoiled that for you.

Leia gets mad, calls Trioc a murderer and a liar, and slaps him hard.

Still not Leia's best move. Check out Shadows of the Empire for that little number.

Leia cringes looking at him, because any time previous to this when she had seen images of him he at least looked handsome. Now he was all scarred and nasty looking. She looks away because she can't stand the sight of him, but he just keeps staring at her. "He found Leia’s strong but soft features to be beautiful." (I cannot wait for this scene to be over)

Trioc is convinced that, with time, they can bridge the gap between their opposite worlds, which given how terrible that sounds makes me think Lucas might have actually had a hand in writing this one. He's just top notch when it comes to romance stories. In time she might even renounce the Rebel Alliance and become his Queen of the Empire! Just keep laying on the romantic talk and you'll be doing just fine, Trioc. Trioc says he may indeed be a liar, murderer, and inhuman monster (way to sell yourself) but he still has a heart. And Leia counters that his heart is dark as carbonite. (Oooh...burn?)

Trioculus glanced at his right hand, which now wore a replica of the glove of Darth Vader. He wondered if he should put that gloved hand on her shoulder, to show his affection for her.

I'm starting to wonder if "Hollace Davids" is a pseudonym for Stephenie Meyer.

Trioc says that Leia has darkness in her heart too, because she killed Jabba the Hutt in cold blood. Leia says she did that in self defense, which I'm not sure is entirely accurate, but she did it to escape so I guess that counts. And Trioc says there's always an excuse for the first murder. Which wouldn't even be that bad of a line, if not for the few stormtroopers Leia killed on the Death Star.

Trioc proposes to her (smooooooth) but Leia calls him insane. Trioc says she'll change her mind because there's a great deal of time still for them. "A great deal of time!"

We're back with Zorba now, as he looks out the window of his penthouse suite and slurps his sour brew, whatever that is. He's drinking the sour brew because the "braze" is upsetting his sinuses a lot. Apparently even Zorba wants the factory barge shut down because the "braze" hurts not only his delicate sinuses but tourism to Cloud City as well.

Tibor comes in now and says that he just learned some info from Port Town that's worth at least 5 gemstones. Zorba says he'll get 2, and gives them to him. Tibor says the murderess (is that a word?) who killed Jabba has been taken captive by Trioculus and is currently aboard the factory barge as his prisoner. Zorba gets so excited he spits up his sour brew all over himself.

Zorba says he just wishes he had something of value to Trioc. Tibor says he has a good idea for 3 gemstones, and Zorba says 1 and gives it to him. (Conversations with Tibor seem to be rather expensive) Tibor says that he just heard the cloud city police arrested a boy named Ken who had been traveling with Luke Skywalker, and that he might be the Jedi Prince that Trioc is looking for. If they can get Ken they can use him as payment for Leia. This gets a "A-HAW-HAW-HAW! . . ." from Zorba, but then he stops and asks what if this Ken isn't the Jedi Prince?

They decide that they will need to question him first, so Tibor goes to pick the boy up and bring him back. I guess they can do this stuff since Zorba is governor now. Ken is brought back, but he is defiant. Which in this case means he "threw back his shoulders, crossed his arms, and looked away from Zorba and Tibor." Yeah, that'll teach 'em.

But Zorba seems to know a thing or two about child psychology, so he decides to begin the questioning by making Ken feel at home.

"Such a shame a boy like you got into trouble," Zorba began. "Perhaps we can straighten it out. AHEMMM! My throat is so dry. I think I need a glass of imported Bantha milk. Bantha milk and cookies! How does that sound to you, Tibor?" he asked, winking at the bounty hunter.

"Sounds delicious," Tibor said, playing along. "Does it sound delicious to you, too, Ken?" Zorba asked.

Ken asks if they have any "candy-flavored buns" and I think he might want to rephrase the question. Oh well. Zorba says that's a great idea and sends Tibor for some. Tibor calls room service for all that, but says to bake the buns with "avabush spice-a powerful truth serum!" Room service here sure is accommodating.

Ken eats the buns, and Zorba makes small talk while he waits for the truth serum to take hold. When he feels enough time has passed, he asks Ken if he is a Jedi Prince. That's good, ease your way into the questions slowly.

Ken says he doesn't know for sure because the droids never told him. Zorba asks what droids, and Ken spills on everything. And by everything, I mean everything. He says the droids who raised him, and when Zorba asks raised where, we get this.

"Yavin Four. I grew up in the Lost City of the Jedi," Ken continued, yawning as though he had suddenly become sleepy. "It’s deep underground, in the middle of the rain forest. When I was little, I think my parents were killed in the Great War, but no one ever told me who they were. I think maybe my name, Ken, comes from Kenobi. I might be related to Obi-Wan Kenobi, but I don’t know because the droids who raised me wouldn’t tell me. All they told me was that a Jedi Knight in a brown robe took me to the Lost City for safety, so the Imperial stormtroopers wouldn’t find me and . . ." Ken yawned again. "Do we have to talk about this anymore?" he asked. "I’m feeling so tired."

I would just like to remind people that as of this writing, one of the big theories about Rey from the New Trilogy is that she's related to Obi-Wan. And she would kick this kid's ass.

To be fair, the truth serum might have nothing to do with this, since he tends to run his mouth off to anyone that listens. Zorba tells him that he's heard enough, and that he knows he's the Jedi Prince. Oh, and he laughs. "A-HAW-HAW-HAW!" He orders Tibor to lock Ken in the basement where they keep the casino crooks. He also tells him to contact Trioc and ask him to come to Cloud City to negotiate a deal. He also tosses another gemstone at his feet.

When Trioculus gets the news he locks Leia in his chamber, leaving her fine food and beverages of course, and heads out with twenty stormtroopers. When he arrives he has the stromtroopers wait in the lobby while he and Zorba deal.

They congratulate each other on their recent promotions, and then Trioc says he wants to meet the boy first to determine that he is in fact the Jedi Prince. Tibor takes him to Ken, and Trioc seems surprised by how young Ken is, because apparently he thought the Jedi Prince would be a man, for some reason.

Trioc says he has some questions for Ken, but then he hears static in his mind, which is apparently Ken trying to cloud his thoughts. Then he hears the words, "I’m not the boy you’re looking for!" Trioc tells him to not try those Jedi mind tricks on him, and I'm not sure that's how those actually work, but oh well. He says stronger Jedi have tried that on him and failed. ...who? What other Jedi have even been around to try that on you? Argh...whatever.

Ken yells at him that he's a liar, killer, and a destructive monster. Better watch out, Ken, that talk tends to get him all excited. Next thing you know he'll be talking about his heart. They go back and forth for a while ("Why do you think I'm a monster", "You burned down the forests on Yavin", crap like that) before Tibor offers Ken another candy flavored bun, and he takes it. (.......dumbass) Tibor leaves, and Ken is feeling tired again. He asks Trioc why he was trying to find him, and Trioc says it was to protect him, and so he could leave the droids and be free.

Ken is almost falling asleep, but he struggles to remain awake and says that's bullshit, Trioc doesn't care about him. He says Trioc wants to destroy him because he knows too much. Trioc asks him (in a cagey tone) what he thinks he knows, and Ken says that he knows Trioculus isn't the real son of the Emperor, but Triclops is, and he's still alive. Trioc says he's crazy, but in case he's right, who would he tell. Ken says he'd tell Kadann, which Trioc doesn't seem to care about since Kadann already knows. Then Ken says he'll tell Trioc's enemies, and that then they will try to assassinate him.

Trioc then understands why Ken needs to be destroyed. He then leaves, saying they'll see each other again soon, and heads back to talk to Zorba. Zorba tells him that he wants two things for the boy. First he wants the factory barge shut down. The second thing he wants is Princess Leia. Trioc says no to Princess Leia, since he's currently trying to tap that. They go back and forth for a little while with, and I'm not kidding, "No", "Yes", "No", "Yes, yes, yes!" When Zorba asks why not, Trioc says she is to be his wife. And when she's queen, there will be new taxes on every casino in Cloud City! Um...what? That hardly seems necessary.

Trioc says he'll give Zorba a new spaceship, which isn't exactly giving him the object of his greatest revenge desires, which makes Zorba spit on the ground and declare that Trioc will never have Ken. Trioc makes a fist and tells Zorba to give him Ken or he'll destroy Cloud City.

Zorba then says that, though they met today as friends, they shall now be sworn enemies. They insult each other for a little while longer, then Trioc presses a button on his belt and stormtroopers burst into the room with blasters drawn. Then Zorba presses his own button and cloud city police burst through the opposite door. Then he lets out a "A-HAW-HAW-HAW!!.." although I don't know why because he just found himself in the direct middle of a firefight.

Although I guess he's pretty confident due to the fact that he has tough skin. He's hit a few times, but it doesn't really hurt him. The cloud city police apparently lay waste to the stormtroopers because of their "new model laser pistols." A few stormtroopers escape but are captured by more police who had just arrived. Trioc tries to escape but is also caught. Zorba orders them to take him to the chamber where they encase victims in carbonite. (oh please oh please oh please) He says he'll deal with him after he destroys the factory barge, and Princess Leia with it!

Meanwhile, a guard is bringing Ken food. Ken uses a Jedi mind trick to fool the guard into thinking Ken is Tibor, and the guard lets him out....waitaminute...

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?

Soon Ken is running through the streets of Cloud City. He finds a taxi port, but he doesn't have any money. But that's okay, because Ken uses the mind trick again to convince the taxi driver that he had already paid. A little underhanded, but I'll take it, because that's actually not a terrible use of the force when you're in trouble. He has the taxi take him back to Han's sky house.

Meanwhile, Luke is searching the buildings of the factory barge for Leia with his macro-binoculars. He finds her, having broken open a window and climbing onto a ledge. He sees the building has a ladder on the side leading up to the ledge, as well as a "hovertransport" on the roof. Of course there is, why wouldn't those things be on the Emperor's personal building.

Luke makes his way up to Leia, and says, "At last Kate and I found you!" Not for nothing, but Kate didn't do shit. Anyway, they climb the ladder to the roof and the hovertransport. Luke looks in the sky to see if there are any Imperial ships, but instead sees the Falcon. Han and Chewie are aboard, dodging laser blasts and searching for Luke, Leia, and, I guess, Kate.

Luke contacts Han on his communicator and tells him where they are. Han brings the Falcon above the hovertransport and opens the bottom hatch. Leia and Kate jump up into it, and then Luke sets the transport on auto pilot and jumps in as well. Just as he jumps out of it, the hovertransport is blown to pieces by lasers. (Action!)

Luke gets to the cockpit and asks where Ken is, and Han fills him in on Ken flying the cloud car away. Luke yells at him about how Ken is just a kid, and Han says that clearly Ken doesn't think he is. Well, Han, you probably shouldn't have left him in the seat of the car with the garage door open. Just sayin', is all.

Just then a fleet of at least a dozen ships shows up, all different ships. It's apparently made up of bounty hunters lead by the Zorba Express. The Falcon escapes just as the fleet opens fire on the Factory Barge with everything they've got, which apparently includes "ion explosives, nova bombs, and doonium acid mines." And probably some other bullshit weapons. Han, Chewbacca, Luke, Leia, and Kate look back and see the barge split in two and see a huge fireball rise from the smokestacks. Then the whole thing falls into the sea of liquid rethin, and is gone.

Zorba the Hutt is pleased, because he's pretty sure he just killed Leia.

The death of Jabba the Hutt had been avenged! "A-HAW-HAW-HAW!! . . ." Zorba roared.

Dude, even your son had the good sense to mount his enemy's body on his wall. 

This guy laughs a lot. Anyway, he heads back to Cloud City where he meets up with Trioc in the carbonite freezing chamber. Trioc is strapped down so he can't escape. Zorba tells him that Leia is dead, and his factories are destroyed. Oh yeah, he also says, "A-HAW-HAW-HAW . ." Trioc screams that an Imperial Armada will come to destroy him, but Zorba says that once the rumor spreads that Trioculus is encased in carbonite and hidden somewhere in Cloud City, no one will dare destroy the city. And also, since the Alliance armed Cloud City while Lando was in charge, Zorba had more than enough weapons to defend himself if stormtroopers showed up. That's...actually not a bad plan.

Trioc tries to make a deal, but no dice from Zorba. He hits the switch and Trioc screams "Ahhhhhhrrrrggghhh!" and the pit goes "PZZZZZZT! SIZZZZZZZ!" Zorba has the machine raise Trioc's frozen body out of the pit.

No idea why this one picture is colored in, but enjoy it.

And this has now become funny as hell. Zorba then broadcasts over all of Cloud City that Leia is dead, and to keep an eye out for any stormtroopers that show up, because Trioculus is going to become an exhibit at the Cloud City Museum. Say what you want about Zorba the Hutt (and there's a lot you could say) the guy gets results.

Back on the Falcon, Han talks about how happy he is that Trioc is "carbonized", but that he'll have to get Leia off Cloud City before Zorba finds out she's still alive. They stop by his sky house, pick up Ken, Chip, Threepio, and Artoo, and they're off the planet, heading...well, only Han knows where they're heading, because he doesn't feel like telling anyone.

Leia apologizes that they have to leave before Han can even enjoy his house. Um, clearly she does not remember that awesome party. Han says it's no worry, because her safety comes first. When they press Han for where they're going, Han says it's somewhere romantic. He asks Leia if that's fine with her, and she says that it is, as long as she has her brother as chaperon. Yeah, I've seen how you act around your "chaperon" and I'm just more concerned now than I was before.

Han has Luke take over the controls and goes back to Leia. They have "a kiss-a very long kiss." He then thinks about proposing marriage, but can't think of the right way.

But what would he say exactly? Senator Leia Organa, could you ever love a mischievous Corellian pilot like me enough to say "I do" at the altar? No-too stiff and formal. How about the simple approach? Princess, will you marry me? Nope. Too short, not enough affection. What about Leia, will you be my wife and the mother of my children? No, too old-fashioned.

"Leia, would you like to have a child who will throw temper tantrums as an adult, and end up stabbing me in the chest and throwing me down a bottomless pit inside a planet-sized superweapon?"

So he decides to wait. I don't know why, because those all sounded like winners to me. "Ken smiled and gave Luke Skywalker a little nudge as they watched Han and Leia embrace." Creepy. Luke hits the accelerator and they shoot off into hyperspace with a ZWOOOOOOSH!.

And that's the end of that book. Tune in later for the next adventure in truly terrible Star Wars books, Mission from Mount Yoda! (And no, I did not make that title up)