Alright, let's start off like we always do by taking a look at another of those awesome book covers....that's...actually kind of ugly. I mean, it's not as ugly as the drawings on the inside of these books, but still I feel like the ball was dropped on this one. Oh well, I guess even Drew Struzan realized part way through this series that effort was not required.
We start this book with the Prophets of the Dark Side aboard Space Station Scardia. I hope you didn't think we were done with these guys, because they're only going to get more involved in the plot from here on out. Today is a great day, apparently, because it is the day Kadann will tell his followers what is in store for their future. I kind of think he should tell them that everyday, what with him being a prophet and all, but oh well. I guess everyone has to have holidays.
Jedgar, the really tall prophet, is standing at a window looking out into space. He's trying to see beyond the "Null Zone" to the planet of Bespin. Because he apparently thinks he has really good vision. Really, he's just thinking about how annoyed he is at how much of a screw up Trioculus has turned out to be. I don't know why he's surprised, Trioc has been a massive failure from day one.
Jedgar moves away from the window and enters the "Chamber of Dark Visions" while holding in his arms a book called the "Secrets of the Dark Side".
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| Well, technically, I own it too. |
Kadann picks up a black sphere and crushes it, blowing the dust around the room. Jedgar inhales it and thinks about how black is the symbol for victory for the Empire. Of course it is. Then he speaks up and says four lines.
Tormented and frozen aliveThe three-eyed ruler commands no more.Never again shall he receiveThe dark blessing of the Supreme Prophet.
There's a moment of silence, then someone asks, "Who then shall command the Empire now, Master?" Kadann says, again in four lines:
Eyes cannot behold the new ruler,For the ruler is the Dark One of ancient times.But from this day forth he speaks through me,And I shall speak his commands to you.
Dark One of ancient times?
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| ohpleaseohpleaseohplease... |
Jedgar uses a laser pen (science!) to etch this into his book of secrets. Apparently Kadann has just named himself as the "true spokesman for the source of all darkness in the galaxy." And I guess this is a big deal. Kadann goes on, but I'll just summarize because I'm tired of quoting bullshit. He says to bring him ancient relics of Duro to his chamber and then he'll destroy all that is good in the Force. He finishes by saying that when the "Dragon Pack, Perched upon Yoda’s stony back receives a visitor pierced by Gold" that the last days of the Rebel Alliance will come. Which makes no sense, but I'm sure they'll make it something not at all stupid. Right?
They need to be going soon, though, because they have to meet with the Rebel Alliance on the planet Dagobah. Dagobah? Why? It's a swamp. You guys are going to meet in a swamp now? There's no where better you can meet? In the entire galaxy? Anyway, he glances at the shore, where Luke and Chewbacca are training Ken in self defense, and apparently cock-blocking Han.
Leia climbs out of the pool and walks towards the Falcon, when Artoo comes out of the Falcon and screams, "Tzzz-bnoooch! Bzeeeee-tzoooop!". Threepio says that Artoo has detected an Imperial vehicle and points towards a bluff. Luke says it's an "Imperial Single Trooper Compact Assault Vehicle", which I'm surprised didn't get an acronym, and he, Chewie, Ken, and Han head out to investigate it. As they get closer they see that it's not moving and the back hatch is open.
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| It looks like a baby sandcrawler. |
Luke climbs in and says that maybe the trooper drowned or something, and sounds a little too hopeful for my liking. Luke finds a bag filled with "identification, a combat service medal, a personal hygiene kit, and a small gold knife...several data discs. One of them was labeled with a triple 'S.'" That stands for Space Station Scardia, Luke says, although I have no idea how he knows that since no one is supposed to know about it. But Ken knows too, from the Jedi Library of course, and he wonders what Kadann and the prophets are up to now.
They disable the weapons on the ship and take the random crap they found back to Leia. Then they climb into the Falcon and blast off to hyperspace. While in the navigation room, Luke glances and Ken. Apparently, just yesterday Luke told Ken he'd have to go to school (just like you!) and Ken was a bit quiet and depressed about it. But Luke doesn't actually give a shit, so he turns his attention back to the discs, and sees that it has the latest Imperial propaganda on it, including the latest prophecies from Kadann.
Ken asks what the prophecies say now, and Luke tells him that it doesn't matter, because no one can predict the future. Because, as Yoda said, "Always in motion is the future". Which is a decent way to reference the movies, I have to say. Han points out that even if they aren't true, plenty of Imperials think they are so that's dangerous enough. Which is also a good point. And yes, it does hurt when I point out anything good these books do, in case you're curious.
They come out of hyperspace and approach Dagobah. They fly towards Mount Yoda, which is the highest point on the planet. Whew, I knew good things wouldn't last too long. There's a mountain named Mount Yoda? Who named it? That doesn't strike me as something Yoda would give a shit about, so did Luke do it during his training? Like, did he just start naming random shit while running around, bugging the shit out of Yoda?
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| "Shut your trap, you will. Can of whoop-ass will I open." |
Luke now explains where Mount Yoda got it's name from. It used to be called Mount Dagger (by whom?) but after Yoda died he renamed it after him. ...This book is going to suck even worse than the one with the Hutt, isn't it? Luke thinks back on Yoda for a bit, but it's nothing interesting so I'll skip it. Just some stuff about how he was small but wise, you're not missing anything. But, we do get a bit of a continuity burp here. Y'see, in the awesome Heir to the Empire trilogy, Leia didn't know where Luke trained with Yoda until he told her in the first book. He kept it secret out of concern that the Empire might go and defile it or something, which does make a bit of sense. But in that case, that means they could never have been on the planet all at once before. Which in particular means that "Dagobah Tech" never actually existed, a fact that warms the cockles of my heart.
The Falcon lands and everyone disembarks. Threepio talks about how nice it is being somewhere where it's unlikely he'll be blown to pieces (it's not easy being Threepio, he's been ripped to pieces at least twice that I can think of) and Leia shows Ken around. The fortress is apparently still not finished, and the lower levels, buried deep inside the mountain, are still being fitted with labs. Luke says they're researching a top secret project there, "Project Decoy". Don't try to figure out what it is, it's way more fun to be shocked by how dumb it is later, trust me.
They go to a welcome feast being thrown by Mon Mothma, and the droids go to get "oiled, lubricated, and polished" at the Droid Maintenance Shop. We get some story about how SPIN relocated here after Trioc burned the shit out of Yavin, but we're already here so I don't really care. The Empire had apparently not been able to mount a successful attack on Dagobah due to the mist and swamps.
Leia reads aloud one of the prophecies (that last one about the dragon pack, Yoda's stony back, and a visitor pierced by gold) and Leia says that "Yoda's stony back" must mean Mount Yoda. I'd say that's a pretty safe bet, yeah. Luke says that "dragon's back" must mean DRAPAC, which I think is a bit more of a stretch, but why not. Mon Mothma says she just doesn't get the whole "pierced by gold" business, and Luke says he has an idea what it means. He then takes out a golden knife that was also with the (presumed) dead Imperial Officer, and he says he wonders if someone is going to get stabbed with it.
Now we're back with Zorba the Hutt on Cloud City, and the book says he's the new "Baron Administrator". Sorry, that was only a cool title when it was Lando. He's having a dream where he sees Jabba's empty palace, and it's being torn to pieces by ranats. So we're going to get more characterization for the Hutt than any other character? Wonderful.
Suddenly the dream changes, and it's like he's seeing Jabba's palace in the future. In the dream, the palace is now an intergalactic prison, where prisoners are sent to be executed by the Sarlacc. And for each prisoner, he collects a fee. Then he wakes up and realizes that he has to make his dream into a "profit-making reality". Oh God, they just gave him a motivation, and it's to make his son's palace into a death-row-for-profit. And just when I was starting to like him.
He sets out to Tatooine to...I don't know, I guess start remodeling the palace, and just a few hours after he leaves Muskov, the chief of the Cloud City police, sends a message to an Imperial Strike Cruiser that's orbiting above Bespin. Apparently it's been sent by the Grand Moffs to rescue Trioculus and restore him to his throne. You'd think they'd know when to cut their losses and move on.
In the dark of the night, a shuttle takes some Stormtroopers to the museum and the guards let them in without incident. Wait, since when are the Cloud City police loyal to the Empire? Didn't they, like, just have a firefight that killed around 20 stormtroopers at the end of the last book? They've all been bought off now, or something? What the hell?
Anyway, the stormtroopers pay Muskov the agreed upon bribe (the authors should really be proud of themselves for resolving that plot hole with such grace) and take the "carbonized" body of Trioc up to the Imperial Strike Cruiser in orbit where Grand Moff Hissa awaits it. That didn't take long.
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| Reposted for comedy. |
Hissa says they've already started the thawing, and surely they wouldn't want to keep tormenting Trioc that way. Jedgar says that Kadann no longer accepts Trioculus as Emperor, so they could give fuck all if he's tormented. Hissa says that's treason, and Jedgar says that Kadann has no place for Trioc in his Empire, and thereby will have no place for Hissa unless he bows to him now.
Hissa points out that they have procedures for this sort of thing, and that if Kadann wants to be Emperor, then he'll have to ask the Grand Moffs. Jedgar says he doesn't give a shit about the Central Committee of Grand Moffs, and may very soon not care about any of the Grand Moffs. Hissa says that maybe they'll have no use for the prophets (you're ugly, no you're ugly) and Jedgar says that Kadann has very damaging info on Hissa, of which he has brought one page as proof. You could just tell him, you know.
Hissa takes a look at the page, and freaks the hell out. Jedgar says that the whole file is really thick and then (I shit you not) holds his hands out a foot apart like he's talking about a fishing trip or something. Hissa, seeing no other option, then bows and says he'll follow Kadann until the end of time. Jedgar tells Hissa that he's sending him to Duro to deal with "a very unfortunate development there that concerns the Empire", and then he takes the frozen body of Trioc onto his ship and leaves. Well, so much for him coming back yet.
Then suddenly we're listening to Ken whine about having to go to school. (JUST LIKE YOU!!!) They're walking through the main hall of Dagobah Tech (which my hands still have a hard time typing) and Luke is giving a speech about the importance of school. And here we seem to have the important message of this book. To recap, Book 1: Whaling, Book 2: Forest Fires, Book 3: Air Pollution, and Book 4: Staying in School. Remember when Star Wars was about sci-fi action? Those were the days.
Luke is talking about how when he was a kid, he really wanted to go to the Academy, but his Aunt and Uncle wouldn't let him. Wasn't that the Imperial Academy? Eh, I guess that's not important. Ken then takes some aptitude tests on everything from "spaceship repair to galactic history." He apparently does well "advanced math concepts and droid microcircuits", but has a hard time with "alien languages and space navigation". What's that? You don't care? Tough shit, I have to read it, you have to hear about it.
Sorry, that was mean. He takes more tests, and they're hard, nothing noteworthy, really. He finishes them up then meets with Luke and Threepio to get some food, bitching the whole way. Then, all of a sudden-
VREEEEEK!!
A small cargo ship descends from the sky and is transmitting a distress signal. I guess that's the sound above? Two Y-Wings fly out to escort it to a landing bay. It almost crashes, but manages to land. Ken sees some strange writing on the side but can't read it, and Threepio says it's "Durese" and that the ship is named "The Royal Carriage" and it's from Duro.
A porthole opened and a Duro steps out -
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| Yo. |
- and Luke pulls out his lightsaber, but then holds back when the Duro is holding his hands up. He says, "Ick-zhana-von-zeewee," and Threepio replies with some of the same gibberish, sneaking in the words "Luke Skywalker", "Ken", and "Jedi". You might want to keep some stuff secret, Threepio. At least until you find out who this guy is. Whatever.
The Duro takes a device from his belt and sticks it on his neck. Apparently this is a universal translator of some kind, because now he speaks perfect Basic. Or the device does, but that's not really important. He says his name is "Dustini", and while he's asking for food and water he faints. They get him fed and set him up in a large conference room where everyone listens to his story.
First he goes on about how the Empire has for years tried to use Duro as a dumping ground for all kinds of random trash, and how this is terrible because of it's rich history, and the Golden Age of Queen Rana and all kinds of weird shit. But now it's getting worse, because stormtroopers are stealing all kinds of relics of Queen Rana and sending them to the Space Station Scardia. (how does he know where... you know, I'm going to have to stop asking these kinds of questions, aren't I?) He says they want his people to serve the Empire, and without their heritage they will no longer have an identity. It's not a bad point to make, but I have a feeling they'll use it to force feed us yet another lesson of some kind. Anyway, he says, "Kadann is a greedy, ruthless collector of ancient treasures. He craves the relics of Queen Rana so much, nothing will stand in his way."
Dustini says that none of the remaining Duro "archaeologists" (and that conjures one hell of a funny picture in my mind) on his planet are safe. The Empire arrests them on site and forces them to help uncover more relics. So he is one of 15 who have gone into hiding. Until now, I guess. They are storing their planet’s "ancient art, statues, scrolls, jewels, books, and relics."
He opens a cargo box and shows them all kinds of shit, like "a transparent crystal in the shape of the face of Queen Rana, an ancient scroll of the wise laws of Rana, the rings of Rana, golden plates with picture-symbols from the dawn of civilization on Duro, and a golden crown from the days of King Dassid, Rana’s son."
He lifts the crown to his head, and then-
VIIIIIIP!
God, those quick jumps to sound effects never become less jarring. Anyway, Dustini cries out "Ahhhhhh!", grabs his head, and falls to the ground. The translator falls off his neck, and he mumbles, "Zockkkk . . . izzzzh . . . tzzzzt . . ." Threepio says that the crown was apparently booby trapped to attack anyone who plundered King Dassid’s tomb. Luke picks up the crown and sees small needles inside, then he tells Threepio to get a medical droid.
The medical droid arrives, but Dustini is still trying to talk. He gets out a "Zaaaahh . ." as he points to his pocket. Threepio (like an asshole) screams out "His pocket!". They pull out a holographic disc from his pocket, then plug it into Artoo. Mon Mothma says that Kadann's prophecy is coming true already, and Leia agrees. Presumably, Dustini is choking on his own tongue in the background.
The message starts up, and it's naturally not in Basic, so Threepio translates. Of course, we the readers are still granted with a "Zki-mip-conosco-zhoren," or something similar every once in a while, for fun I guess. The message says that he made this disc so that, in case anything were to happen to him, his mission would go on.
"Dustini requests that we fly on a mission from Mount Yoda (hey, that's the name of the book!) to Duro," Threepio explained, "to save Dustini’s fellow archaeologists and prevent the ancient treasures of Duro from being stolen by Kadann."
Way to fuck up your dying mission, Dustini.
Ken has just woken up, and on top of an upset stomach, he's also upset that Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and the droids are going to head off to Duro without him. He's been left behind to attend school, and he's none too pleased. Naturally, with Ken is where we'll be for right now.
Ken gets up and tells Chip he's skipping breakfast this morning (nice lesson for the kids, authors!) because he wants to see the group off before they leave. Chip tells him they're probably in the hangar bay, but to hurry because he shouldn't be late to his first day of classes. (please don't have a big section of the book be Ken in class, please, I'm begging you)
Ken runs to the hangar bay, but as he's calling out for anyone, he realizes that no one else is here, even though the Falcon is still there. He keeps calling out to see if anyone is there, but there's not even droids in the hangar. He thinks that maybe they're already on the Falcon, and climbs in, walking to the back near the cargo bay.
CHHH. . . CHHH . . . CHHH.
Ken thinks he hears someone walking around near the "quadrex power core", but when he spins around to look he accidentally knocks a loose transport crate into the "cargo door’s emergency control mechanism". Doofus.
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| Try to guess who I hate more: Ken or Kyp. Trick question, I still hate the Space Dragons most. |
CRASH!
The bulkhead door to the cargo bay swings shut and-
FWOOOOOP! CLIIIICK!
Yeah, thanks. It's locked. He checks the damage, and apparently he's completely busted it. The cable attached to the door, which I'm guessing is important, is sliced. Ken pounds on the door, cries for help, and tries to pry it open, but no luck.
He screams that he has to be let out, because he has to start school, dammit! (He actually does yell that he has to start school, I didn't make that up. Nor would I have) He sits down and tries to think of a way out, when the white light turns red, and the noise of the engines starts up. He's suddenly pressed against the ground, and dammit, looks like he's on his way to Duro. That was one ham-fisted way of getting him to go on the journey, I've got to say. He knocked a fucking box into the door, and now he's off to save the galaxy!
Now we're with Hissa, who has just arrived in Duro space. He's trying to think of a way to get the advantage back from Jedgar when he suddenly sees a ship come out of hyperspace. It's the Falcon, of course, because the Force has amazing timing. He tells Jedgar (who I guess is still with him) that the ship is there, and starts talking about the collective bounty on all the likely people on board, and Jedgar says that whichever gunner destroys the Falcon will have dinner with he and Kadann aboard the "Space Station Scardia"! That's...a really shitty way to motivate, but I guess it'll work for now.
Four gunners man their ion cannons and open fire, but the Falcon keeps weaving in and out of the shots. Then the Falcon turns towards the Imperial Strike Cruiser and opens fire, but the lasers from the Falcon are surprisingly weak.
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| This actually feels a bit more like Star Wars than anything in the previous books. Props. |
Back aboard the Falcon, Han is wondering who the "Kowakian lizard-monkey" that fooled around with the quad laser is. He says he had the whole system checked before they left DRAPAC and the thing "was purring like a mooka". ....Okay. Artoo beeps "Kzeeep Kvoooch-Bzeeek!", which Threepio translates by saying that Artoo found the problem, and the is trouble with a busted power cable in the cargo bay. The cable that Ken sliced accidentally by knocking a box into it weakened the quad laser? You might want to think about reinforcing that one. Sounds important. Anyway, Threepio says that the door to the cargo bay is also jammed shut and the hyperdrive motivator is loose, so they can't go to hyperspace to escape. Weren't they, like, just in hyperspace like two seconds ago?
Luke heads back to try and open the door, and Threepio and Artoo go with him. When they reach it they hear:
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
And cleverly deduce that someone is inside. Luke sits down and closes his eyes, and Threepio starts yelling at him. Luke tells him to shut the hell up, because he's concentrating with the Force. He then uses said Force to open the locks with a TZIP! and a KNIK! and then the door opens with a FWOOOOP! Luke then draws his lightsaber, fully intending to kill whatever is on the other side of the door. In fact, once he sees a silhouette in the darkness, he actually swings, only holding it back at the last possible second. So we were this close to losing Ken.
They argue for a while longer, until the Falcon getting hit with another laser blast reminds them. Artoo falls over, and Ken picks him up, saying that someone should have built Artoo hands at some point. That image actually terrifies me for some reason. Then Threepio shouts "Success!" because apparently while everyone else was arguing about stupid shit, Threepio...again, Threepio...was fixing the cable. So the laser should be working fine now.
They head back up to the cockpit, where Han and Leia are both shocked to see Ken is on board. Then Han, instead of going to hyperspace, decides to play a "dangerous game of space-tag". Which I guess is the authors' way of saying he was shooting at the strike cruiser, but it's an action scene so I'm not going to complain.
But it doesn't last long, because the Falcon is hit on it's "backup cooling system", which is apparently more important than it sounds with the word "backup" in it. Han then turns and flies away at faster-than-light speed.
Now we're back on the Space Station Scardia where the frozen body of Trioculus has just arrived. The block of Trioc is on a thick platform directly below the "deadly neutron furnace that powered the cube-shaped space station." Kadann is staring at the face of Trioc, which now looks like black marble. It's now a "twisted, burned, and tormented face", which shows just how quickly and thoroughly Trioc had become a disappointment. Kadann sneers, "knowing that the fateful end of Trioculus was close at hand."
Kadann hobbles over to the "trigger that was to blast the carbonite block with deadly rays from the neutron furnace" and, while shaking his head in disgust, presses the trigger.
TZZZZZZZZZZCH!
Four fiery neutron beams hit the block, and the block is utterly destroyed. In fact, there's nothing left at all where the block once was. "Prophet Gornash" asks why the glove of Darth Vader is gone too, since it's supposed to be indestructible. Kadann says it should be obvious, and Gornash asks if that wasn't actually Trioculus. Kadann says for that to have happened, Kadann would have to have been wrong, and clearly that isn't possible.
Kadann then says that Trioc removed it a while ago, and shortly after it was sent to him, thanks to Jedgar. He then opens a display case and takes out the glove of Darth Vader. He says that Trioc had gone blind because he was not worthy, and now that Trioc is vaporized, may he never rest in peace! (Anyone think we've actually seen the last of Trioc? Anyone?)
Now we're back with the Falcon, which has just come out of hyperspace near Duro (I guess they made a U-turn at some point) and is trying to go towards one of the six huge shipyards around the planet, but it's almost out of control.
FZZZZ-SWOOOOOSH!
Apparently the cooling system is leaking fluid into the cargo bay and causing a small flood.
KABUM . . . KABUM ... KABUM . .
And the melted missile tubes (oh, did I forget to mention that those were melted in the fight too? My bad) are rattling against each other and weakening the bearings. Leia comments about how bad of shape the ship is in, but Han says to not worry because the Duro mechanics are the best in the galaxy (of course they are). Chewie barks (yes, barks) "Growwwrrr-rooowf!", which apparently means that he hopes the Duro mechanics have the right parts, or else they'll be out of luck for weeks.
Han manages to fly the Falcon to "Orbiting Shipyard Alpha". A Duro mechanic looks it over and tells Han what the bill will come to. All Han can say is "Ouch."
The Imperial attack from Grand Moff Hissa’s strike cruiser had done more damage than anyone aboard the Falcon had expected. The replacement list included a brand new passive sensor antenna, a rebuilt Carbanti 29L electromagnetic package, a new acceleration compensator, extensive repairs to the ion flux stabilizer, and even a new floor for the flood-damaged cargo bay.
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| Nice work, Han. Now what are you going to leave to your maybe daughter/niece? |
They sit around and bitch about it for a while, with Chewie howling "Owwwwwooooooo!" in sorrow for the ship, and a Duro salesman comes over and says that it'll be less expensive to buy a new ship than to fix the Falcon. He offers Han a trade-in, but Han says no deal. Leia says that she's sure Mon Mothma will pay for the repairs, and I just hope this scene is over soon.
While the Falcon is raised on a repair rack, Han and Leia rent a new ship, and as soon as the rental papers are signed, the whole crew blasts off from the shipyard. Wasn't there an Imperial Strike Cruiser around Duro not too long ago? Where the hell did that thing go?
As they approach the planet, they're all disgusted to see all the trash and toxic waste dumps all over the surface. Artoo beeps "Tzzzn-gleEEEch chbziiit-tlooog!" because he's apparently fixed the glitch in the disc, and is ready to play the rest of the info. He projects a map which shows a valley surrounded by a thick wall, with mountains behind it. Dustini's voice comes on then, and says that it's the "Valley of Royalty" on Duro. The map then shows under the valley and a series of catacombs and tunnels, which Dustini says are secret and unknown to the Empire.
The projection then shows a ship landing in the moutains on a hidden flat landing platform, which Dustini says is next to a hidden doorway that leads into the mountain. It leads to the caverns where the Duro archaeologists are hiding while they gather the treasures of the planet.
The hologram changes again, and shows a building inside the valley. This building is apparently called the "Imperial Reprogramming Institute", which is where the Empire sends it's most dangerous prisoners. (Zorba's going to have some competition, it seems. And why is no one sent to Kessel anymore?) The hologram's soundtrack sticks, then, and repeats the following words in Durese, "Ghinish-vik-Triclops ... Ghinish-vik-Triclops . ."
Threepio translates by saying that that building is where the Empire is keeping Triclops. Leia says he must mean Trioculus, but Threepio no, he said Triclops. Luke asks who Triclops is, and Ken finally decides to share his vital info.
He says he probably should have said something sooner, but Dee-Jay, his caretaker droid, said it would be dangerous to talk to anyone about Triclops, because Triclops is the deepest, darkest secret of the Empire. Based on what we later find out about the Empire, though (Thrawn exploring the unknown regions in preparation for the Vong, Daala fucking Tarkin, Hand of the Emperor, etc.) this hardly seems like their worst secret anymore. One wonders if Ken knew this stuff, too.
Ken then tells everyone that he learned from the master computer files in the Jedi library that Triclops, not Trioculus, is the real son of the Emperor.
"The grand moffs refuse to admit officially that Triclops exists. They believe he’s insane, and they’re terrified that if he’s ever set free, he might take over as ruler of the Empire, and destroy everything in the galaxy, including them! And yet, despite this danger, for some strange reason I don’t understand, they still keep him alive!"
Obviously it's so he can become an important plot point later. Duh. Anyway, Han cuts in to babble about how happy he is that this ship they rented, a "Corellian Action VI Transport", is a Corellian ship. He points to a brown knob thingie on the control panel and says that once he saw that thing, it sealed the deal, and then asks if anyone knows what it does. I'm surprised at this point no one said, "Um, we're kind of in the middle of something here. Think you can brag about your rental later?" But instead Ken says that he knows what it's for (of course he fucking does) and that it's a "Forbes CC-Y Antiradar Defense Unit". This apparently makes their ship invisible to radar.
Han then lands the ship on the mountain near the valley on Duro with a WHOOOOOSH-SHHHHHH. Ken pokes his head out and can see the Great Wall through a gray mist. He also sees a huge dam that smells terrible due to the Imperial spaceship manufacturing plant. He says he can see the valley, and starts to head out when Luke tells him to hold the fuck on, he's not going anywhere. Luke is "assigning" Ken to stay with Artoo and Chewie (poor Chewie) on the ship while the rest of them head out. Ken bitches for a while, but Luke makes up some bullshit excuse about how he needs Ken to stay behind because his knowledge will be useful helping Chewie with the ship in case of an attack. But we all know it's because he doesn't want to have to carry back Ken's body.
Ken then says that Chewie can do fine by himself, and to remember Obi-Wan's dream about how his and Luke's destinies are linked together. "What do you think he would say if he knew you were leaving me behind?" What a little shit. Leia says she'll stay behind to help Chewie and she hands Ken her backpack, saying that she thinks he'll need it. So Han, Luke, Ken, and Threepio all head out to go "under the wall" into the valley.
At the same time, Grand Moff Hissa's ship, with Prophet Jedgar, lands on the other side of the valley. The ship landed at the "Imperial Toxic Waste Processing Plant, which was spewing clouds of black ash, creating an overcast, dreary gray sky." (these guys really are Captain Planet bad guys, aren't they?) Apparently the Imperials mine Duro for valuable ship building materials, then dump whatever's remaining into a large lake, which the dam keeps back.
They exit the ship when Jedgar finally tells Hissa what his mission is: recapture Triclops. "Triclops-the son of Emperor Palpatine!" Grand Moff Hissa gasped. "He’s escaped?" How many times are they going to tell us who Triclops is? Are they afraid we don't know because of how close their names are? Maybe they should have named him something more original then.
Jedgar explains that Triclops was a patient in the Imperial Reprogramming Institute (the one that is in the valley they are next to). Then they describe the place, and it just has too many gibberish names in it for me not to share.
Hissa could see the reflections from the flat, one-story Imperial Reprogramming Institute, near the Monument of Duchess Geneer, a tall dome with four spires. There was a silvery glint from King Kadlo Tower, the tallest structure-and also a gleam from the Monument to Queen Rana, a giant likeness of the ancient queen’s face, which looked up to the sky.
This thing sound ridiculous. Jedgar says that the search is already underway, and that Triclops escaped from "Experimental Section Two", which he says even the most insane prisoners learn obedience. Hissa asks if "Defeen, the Defel alien" is still in charge of section two, because if so then he should be held responsible. Jedgar says that Defeen (the Defel alien) was promoted a while ago to "interrogator first class", and that it was actually he who traced the responsibility for the escape to a "defective Imperial assassin droid" who aided and abetted Triclops.
Hissa thinks to himself that since Triclops doesn't have a spaceship, cloud car, or airspeeder then he couldn't have gotten over the wall and must still be somewhere in the valley.
Now we're back with Luke and the gang as they work their way through a narrow, rocky gorge searching for the secret stairway into the Valley of Royalty. Luke spots what is apparently called a "giant Fefze beetle" and once he points it out Threepio sees several more coming from behind them. Threepio freaks out because he hates beetles, especially when they're twice his size. Ken then sees four more that have just appeared in front of them, and they are apparently trapped between two groups of giant beetles. You know, Star Wars books descend into giant killer bugs more often than you would expect, given that there weren't any in the movies.
The beetles hiss "AGAAAAA . . . AGAAAAA . . . .", which try as I might, I can't make sound like a beetle in my head. Han says, "That must be the sound those buggers make when they’re starving and smell food," which is an interesting and completely unfounded observation. But luckily he doesn't waste time with more and just starts shooting the beetles' heads..
ZAAAAP!
Thanks, otherwise I never would have known what a blaster sounds like. Green fluid starts pouring out of the bugs' eyes, and Luke takes out his lightsaber and starts chopping away.
CHOPPPPPP!
Oh come on, you could at least have inserted a lightsaber noise there. A snap-hiss or something.
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| Click for battle music! |
One of the beetles jumps over the dead carcass of another beetle and comes after Ken, but Luke slices it in half with a WHOOOOOSH! which still isn't a lightsaber noise, but closer I guess. They fight for a while, then one beetle managed to get it's pinchers around Luke's next. Ken freaks out, but then overcomes his apparently fear of giant beetles and grabs the pinchers, pulling them apart. Han then rushes over and shoots that beetle in the fucking head at point blank range.
Ken brags about how he saved Luke, and everyone falls all over themselves praising him. Luke talks about how Fefze beetles never grow this large normally, and that it must be because of all the toxic waste. So I guess this book has two force fed messages, stay in school, and don't pollute or else you'll get giant man eating beetles to come after you. I think more people would recycle if this was the consequence.
Climbing over the dismembered, slimy, oozing bodies of the beetles they finally find the hidden entrance to the valley. Remarking how they never would have found it if they hadn't known exactly where to look, they force open the door and find a stair case leading down into the mountain. After unpacking their "C-beam strobe lamps" (flashlights. They're fucking flashlights) they climb down at least a thousand steps and reach a flat tunnel that goes directly below the wall.
They reach a fork in the tunnel, and Luke examines the copy of Dustini's map he made.
DRIP . . . DRIP . . . DRIP . . .
Luke looks up and sees a "thick, gooey liquid" that is dripping from above.
TSSSSSS!
And this is apparently very bad liquid because it just burnt a hole in the map. He drops the maps and takes a step back, making sure none of the liquid gets on him. He says that the Empire probably produces "starship propellants" above some where and it's probably leaking through. Suddenly there's a low rumbling sound and-
PAH-BUMMMMMMM!
A blast can be heard from above. The tunnel rumbles, then stops. (this scene is paced weird. Fork, acid, boom, rumble, no rumble, I hope they're getting somewhere with this) They continue on one of the paths, but without the map they are soon hopelessly lost. Then Threepio detects a ultrahigh frequency sound coming from behind the wall. He feels the wall, then sees that it's not rocks but camouflage and there's actually a door there. And the sounds he's hearing are coming from a droid on the other side that's trying to communicate with him.
Threepio says the droid is calling for help, and he detects a human life-form behind the wall. How he does this, since he's a fucking protocol droid, I have no idea. But he deduces that someone is trapped behind the wall/hidden door. Luke feels around, finds a jagged piece of rock, and lightsabers it before he feels the need to investigate further. Luckily this works and he exposes a "locking mechanism". Han then follows suit and blasts the mechanism. They then work together pushing the door up. (I'm surprised they didn't try blowing it up first.)
SQUEEEEEEE .. .
On the other side they see a tall, thin man dressed in the gray uniform of an Imperial prisoner. He has long white hair that sticks out in all directions and has scorch marks on his temples as if he had been electrocuted. Hmm, I wonder who this could be? Next to the tall man was a droid. Apparently this isn't just any droid, as Luke yells out "An assassin droid!" and points his lightsaber towards it.
The man cries out "Wait!" and says that the droid is unarmed and harmless. Threepio agrees (once again, how he knows is anyone's guess) and Luke introduces all of them to the man, once again saying his name is "Commander Luke Skywalker of the Alliance." No one else gets a fancy title, just Luke.
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| If Lando was there, he'd still be "Baron Administrator" because Lando is fucking awesome. |
The tall man says he's heard the name Skywalker before, but the Skywalker he's heard of is a Jedi Knight. Luke says that he is in fact a Jedi Knight.
"Then you believe in the Force," the white-haired man said. "I once knew a woman who lived by the ways of the Force. Her name was Kendalina. With bright gray eyes . . ." The man paused, looking directly at Ken. He seemed as though he wanted to say something more but then decided not to.
When they ask what happened to this Kendalina this guy brought up for no reason, he says that once the Empire discovered she was a Jedi they had her killed. Luke mentions the prisoner clothes and asks if he escaped, and the man says yes. He says that Defeen, who was questioning him, recommended him for a lobotomy in order to make him docile and obedient. But he spoiled their plans because he had reprogrammed this droid with him. How, they don't really get into. Anyway, the droid had disabled the "location forbidder" that is around the man's wrist, so they can no longer track him.
Luke asks if he's seen anyone else down here, because they're looking for archaeologists that are hiding inside the valley (Jesus, way to blow the secret). The man says that yes, he has seen them, because he sees everything, whether in front or behind. And that is why they call him Triclops (what a twist!) because he has three eyes.
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| You know, he looks like someone but I can't quite put my finger on it for a joke. Sorry folks. |
Ken yells out "Triclops!" in excitment, and Triclops turns his head, revealing an eye on the back of his head. It's a "powerful eye" that seems to "send out hypnotic waves, making Ken blink and feel dizzy."
Ken says that this proves it really is Triclops, and that Trioculus only pretended to-you know what? No, I'm not saying it again. I've read this stupid plot thread 80 times now, but that never stops them from saying it again. I fucking know who the real Emperor's son is. And now I know it's this guy.
Triclops starts talking about how he remembers Trioculus well, and that he was a merciless slavemaster. Trioculus used to whip Triclops (this is going to get confusing) and talk about how one day he would assume Triclops' identity and become the Emperor. Ken says that he was Emperor for a while, but now he's frozen and in Cloud City, and Triclops says Ken knows a great deal. Then he notices the crystal around Ken's neck (which hasn't been referenced since they first mentioned it two books ago) and asks who gave it to him. Ken backs away and says he doesn't know, because he's had it his entire life.
Triclops then gets all weird and starts talking about how shitty his entire life was, what with the whipping and electric shocks. "But lightning bolts, with energy from the Dark Side, never conquered me." He says that he climbed out of the mouth of the Queen Rana monument (it's hollow?) but then got trapped in the tunnels. Doofus.
Then he rubs his temples and says he'll take them to the archaeologists if that's what they want. Luke says he could be leading them into a trap, then Triclops once again gets weird and says:
"You live by the ways of the Force, don’t you, Jedi?" Triclops said, frowning. "Consult the Force and discover whether I lead you into a trap-or whether I am about to lead you to your goal."
So after Triclops' "challange" Luke concentrates with the Force and he feels a feeling (their wording, not mine) of trust, but also confusion. Triclops says that of course Luke trusts him, because he hates the Empire, which would hardly qualify him as insane. I'm also not sure that should qualify you for "trust" either, but Luke now sets off with him so I guess it's going to have to be good enough.
Triclops and the assassin droid now lead Luke, Han, Threepio, and Ken down a long winding path through the tunnel. (Given that Triclops just said he was lost down here, is this really the best plan?) Luke keeps his lightsaber on the entire time in case of attack, because, if these books teach us anything it's that Luke really likes cutting things. They soon come upon an open cavern where they see "a dazzling display of ancient treasures." Thirteen Duro aliens are hard at work cleaning them and...um...studying them, I guess. Dustini said there were 15 archaeologists, including himself, and that meant that one was unaccounted for. He could be just taking a leak, or something, but I'm sure that will come into to play before too long.
There are antigravity carts (science!) all over the place "scrolls, statues, ornaments, vases, jewelry, masks, ancient costumes, coins-every type of relic imaginable." Then Luke decides to be as subtle as a jackhammer and yells out, to the scientists that have been in hiding for fear of extermination, "Greetings from SPIN!" Then he, Han, Ken, and Threepio all step out into the open, but Triclops and the assassin droid remain in the shadows. Luke tells them that Dustini sent him there to rescue them, and then they get all happy and huggy.
One of the Duro aliens introduces himself as "Dustangle" and says that Dustini is his cousin. (Um, yeah, bad news on that front) He says that they need to get off the planet, but they can't leave these treasures behind. Luke tell him that they have a transport just outside of the Valley of Royalty, and that they can load all the treasures on it and take them to Mount Yoda, until they find a more suitable location. Then they all start moving the treasures through the tunnel on the anti-gravity carts, and everyone, even Triclops and his assassin droid, help. So, to recap, we now have the son of Emperor Palpatine helping aliens move ancient statues and jewels through an underground tunnel.
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| I will never get tired of using this gif. Sorry. |
While Ken is loading a crate onto a cart, he drops a box of rings and jewels because he's a doofus. Han helps him pick them up, but leaves one ring behind on accident. Dustangle picks up the ring and tells Han that it once belonged to a Corellian Prince who was a friend of Queen Rana, and since Han is a Corellian (Han mentioned that before, but it was so random at the time I forgot to mention it) the ring will now belong to him. Dustangle tells Han that he should give the ring to the person he wants to marry. Han blushes (...what?) and says that marriage isn't really in his plans at the moment, but who knows? "Han winked, then pocketed the ring thoughtfully." I cannot believe that that scene just happened.
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| That triangle at the top of the ring is looking a little too Illuminati-ish for my tastes. |
Meanwhile, above ground in the "Imperial Reprogramming Institute", Defeen
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| Who I guess is an evil Wookiee? |
is holding several "truth needles" tightly between his claws. Because that's scarier than just one, I guess. He drools with excitement (might want to have that looked at) as he plans on injecting the Duro he has captured in an attempt to learn where the other Duro aliens are hidden with the treasures.
Defeen hisses "Sssssssspeak!" (this interrogation will take an awfully long time if you keep over pronouncing your letters) and bares his teeth to the captive. The Duro archaeologist had apparently been captured when he was trying to escape the planet. (What, you thought Dustini was their only plan?) Although the situation seems grim, he's determined to hold out.
"Evvvvverything! You will tell me evvvverything about where your friends are hiding!"
Note to the authors, that's not scary, that's just fucking silly. "All riiiiiiight, then . . ." Yeah, same there. Then Defeen pushes two needles into the "truth centers of his victim’s brain." Given that they don't tell us where that is, I'm going to assume it's above the eye, just so I can have an image. The archaeologist then gasps and immediately starts to talk. So this truth needle stuff really works, eh? Why don't we see this all over the EU? I mean, if it works, and that fast, interrogations should be a fucking breeze.
Anyway, he says the following:
"Through the mouth of Queen Rana’s Face, a tunnel down to the catacombs . . . the cavern, seventeen paces to the left of the face .. . fifteen standard units beneath the ground . . . that’s where they’ve collected the relics of Duro. . .""So you talk at lasssssst!" Defeen said, with a sneer.
He would have started talking way sooner if you had just injected him when he first got there. Oh well, they have the info now, so they get a giant drill and start drilling into Queen Rana's face in the mountain. Oh, sorry, not a drill. A "powerful device resembling a drill" known as a "zenomach." Because a drill isn't nearly Star Wars-y enough. So they drill-
ZIIIIIIIIIIICH!
Yeah, that like, I guess. They keep drilling and a hole appears as the mountain rumbles...
RUMMMMMMMMMBLE .. .
No, that is not how you do sound effects. You can't just say the word really looooooong and make people think that it sounds like that.
Moving on, as they keep drilling, suddenly a quake starts up. One so large it registers a "77.88 on the Imperial quake scale", but given that we have never heard of this scale before, and never will again, this means nothing to us. The tremors stop a moment later, so I guess it wasn't too bad. Jedgar looks through the hole (wait, where did he come from?) and sees that they have reached a large cavern and drilled through the roof of it. He can see light reflecting off of golden treasures, and can't wait to get them back to Space Station Scardia.
Something called a "flex-mount" (yeah, I don't know) lowers ladders down into the cavern and Jedgar, Hissa, and some more Imperials climb down into the cavern. Luke, Han, and the Duro aliens, who are not yet done getting all the treasures out, attack them. "...and a battle ensued." Ooh, exciting.
As Jedgar is climbing down, he notices Ken and see the silvery crystal around his neck (he should really think about taking that thing off) and wonders if this is the Jedi Prince Trioculus had failed to capture. He orders Hissa to capture the boy at once (though I don't really know why) and Hissa clutches Ken. I guess he was already close to him. Ken squirms and screams, but stops when Hissa holds a blaster against his chin. When he hears Ken's cries for help, "Luke Skywalker hurriedly pushed two stormtroopers aside" (read: slices them to pieces) and points his lightsaber at Hissa.
Hissa tells him to drop his weapon or he'll kill Ken. Luke turns off the lightsaber and drops it. (He didn't even try to use the Force in some way?) Hissa says, "Now prepare to join your master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, in the world beyond!" which is just truly terrible. Ken starts freaking out, but then sees Triclops looking at him from behind a boulder and nodding. Then Triclops suddenly turns his head and stares at Hissa with his third eye. "An incredibly strong magnetic force seemed to flow out of Triclops’s third eye, as a power beam tugged at Hissa."
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| Your guess is as good as mine, folks. |
Hissa, "[O]vercome by surprise", lets go of Ken and is pulled towards Triclops, I guess by the powerful beam coming out of the eye in the back of his head. (this is canon) Triclops turns around and grabs Hissa by the throat. Hissa tries biting Triclops with his sharp teeth (...he does what?) and Triclops says "You won’t let a pacifist live in peace," and then "You’re forcing me to abandon my principles." And I'm not really sure what the hell he's currently talking about, but whatever.
RUMMMMMMMMMBLE!
That's just awesome. So I guess the cavern is rumbling again and then-
KRAAAAAAAAKK!
The dam cracks open. "A lake of thick, fuming liquid burst through the cracked dam, flowing and oozing across the valley like a foul-smelling tidal wave." The (apparently very bad) water quickly reaches the hole the Imperials just "bored". As the "gooey, hazardous liquids" pour into the cavern, Triclops lets go of Hissa and runs away. He sees, using his third eye in the back of his head, that Hissa is now laying in the path of the "bubbling, burning liquid".
TSSSSSSSS . . .
And that is the sound of Hissa losing his legs, and the acid flows over them.
"Ahhhhhhhrrrrrgggh!"
So is that. Hissa tries to prop himself up on his arms, but since he's in acid that starts to burn his arms too. He cries out to Jedgar for help, but Jedgar is getting the hell out of there.
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| Holy shit this just got fucking dark. And kind of awesome. |
The stormtroopers are scattering, because they are, as always, useless. Triclops' assassin droid is hit with a blast, however, and is destroyed. Han, Luke, Threepio, Ken, and the Duro archaeologists are riding the antigravity carts down the tunnel, staying ahead of the acid. Eventually they reach the entrance to the tunnel, but then Han has "a really bad feeling about this" because the transport is no longer where they left it. But then the transport appears, flying in to save them. When Luke jumps on board, Leia says they saw a probe droid that they had had to take care of, which is why they had flown off.
They load the treasures on the transport and Han and Leia pilot the ship away, after Leia says she wants to prove to Han how well she can "fly a Corellian Action VI Transport spaceship." Triclops tells Luke that if he ever sits on the Imperial Throne, he'll make the Empire pay for what they did to planet Duro. He says he'll dismantle the Empire piece by piece. Which to me sounds like he's not very likely to take over.
Luke says it's a nice dream, but for now Mon Mothma will likely be keeping him under guard. But Triclops is no longer listening because he's already fallen asleep. A few days later they reach Mount Yoda, and by they I mean the transport and the Falcon, which I guess they went and picked on the way.
After they land, guards indeed take Triclops into custody. Dustini greets Dustangle (wait, he didn't die?) and thanks Luke for all the help. Chip scolds Ken for missing school (I really hope we won't hear more about that in the next book, but I don't have my hopes up) but all Ken can think about is wondering why the Empire kept Triclops alive all this time. He knows that the prophecy has now mostly come to pass (the visitor being pierced by gold and all that) and now the son of Palpatine was in their midst. But that's all too troublesome for Ken to dwell on, so he moves on, thinking that it was good to be "home".
And thus ends Mission from Mount Yoda. I'll be starting up soon on the next entry, Queen of the Empire!
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