Let's Play The 7th Guest!

Yes, friends, continuing in the vein of my recent LP of Phantasmagoria 1, it’s time to tackle another FMV game from the ‘90s; And as opposed to Phantasmagoria, this one happens to be considered a true classic. 

So what’s this game about?

”GoG.com” posted:

Henry Stauf was a master toymaker and his eerie mansion was the greatest of his creations. It stands empty, abandoned years ago, rotting ever since the children started dying, ever since the six guests were here. Now, you are in the house, moving from one room to another, trying to remember and trying to forget. The mansion of horror comes to life again and only you can end the nightmare and learn the secret of the 7th guest.

_{Christ, even in other games I can't escape the curse of checking hair in a mirror, can I???}

So this game’s considered a “classic”? Why?
Well, there’s a few reasons. For one, it was actually one of the first games to be released to CD-ROM, and was considered a “killer app” of its time, motivating people to buy computers with CD drives, or CD-ROM drives to be installed in existing hardware. In addition, it impressed a great number of reviewers, and won 11 different awards. Also, it impressed no less a personage than one “Bill Gates” (whoever that is), who commented that it set “the new standard in interactive entertainment”.



So what can we expect?
1. This will be an SSLP with video elements from time to time if necessary (for example, if something is just so utterly mind-boggling or resists conventional description).
2. I am going in blind. I knew of this game by reputation before I bought it, I also remember seeing it in stores years ago. If I get stuck, yes, I will ask for help from the thread. That being said, this is a SPOILER FREE zone. Keep plot details to yourself if you’ve played this before. 

Glossary of Icons
Over the course of the game, we’re going to see a few different icons, so here’s a quick glossary:
 The Wagging Finger
Pretty much means that there’s nothing that can be done.

 Forward Beckon  Left Beckon  Right Beckon
Move Forward, Left, or Right.

 The Drama Mask
Triggers an FMV cutscene.

 The Throbbing Brain
Means there’s a puzzle here.

 The Chattery Teeth
Some kind of “supernatural event” will be triggered.

 The Sphinx
The Sphinx is what the game calls the main menu, no idea why.

 The Evil Eye
This is used to trigger a puzzle of some sort.

Yeah, some of this is kinda vague, but I’m sure all will become clearer as we progress.

Okay, let's sit back, relax, and explore a creepy mansion owned by a creepy toymaker who made creepy toys which I'm sure will in no way result in a creepy game.

Part 1: The Introduction


So here’s the game’s start screen, and there’s the wagging finger telling me I can’t click there. The Sphinx icon shows up if I hover over any of LOAD, START NEW, or FAREWELL. When the game reaches this menu, a voice calls out “WELLLLCOME TO MY HOUSE!”. If you click FAREWELL and confirm exit, then he screams "COOOOOOME BAAAAAACK!!!". Well, let’s get this show underway I suppose. (Oh it’s worth noting that I’m playing this via ScummVM, and holy cow was it a pain in the ass to get this to run in a windowed mode.)


Also, this is where I am very grateful that GoG includes the script as a bonus because it’s hard to keep track of the info dump we receive. First we are told that the house we are in was built by a man named Henry Stauf, but some time before…

”The Narrator” posted:

He was a drifter, moving from town to town; Robbing a gas station here, a grocery store there. Until one night…

So Stauf the bum ran into a woman coming home from choir practice, he killed her with a hammer, stole her purse, and spent what little money she had quickly.


Presumably while tripping balls on cheap bathtub hooch, Stauf had a vision of a doll.


Which he then carved. And considering he’s supposed to be a homeless vagrant, I have no idea where the hell this is supposed to be, let alone how he afforded the tools to do the work. Moving on!


Stauf took his pretty dolly to a bar (WHY??) and the bartender said that he had a daughter who would love the doll, and offered him free room and board in exchange. For a doll. This bartender had no sense of the value of a dollar.


So then Stauf has another “vision”, possibly inspired this time by his old lady pajamas, of a simple puzzle this time, so he built it, and apparently many others because it was so popular among kids. 


Because his stuff had become so popular, Stauf opened a toy store so he could leer creepily at children, however the store remained quite popular until…


Every child who had one of his toys grew sick from a mystery ailment and died. Well, serves them right for buying toys from someone who shortly before was probably crawling with syphilis and tuberculosis.


While this was going on, Stauf had a vision of a mansion, which creeped the hell out of everyone around once it was built. Then the camera moves inside, and we are introduced to a procession of characters, but we get no names.


They all comment in some regard about how fucking creepy the joint is.

quote:

”Myyy, isn’t this a cheery place?”

quote:

“Edward, I’m not sure we should be here today.”
“Why, because it’s a spooky old house? Don’t worry dear, I’ll watch out for you.”

quote:

”Oh! What a dump! I expected more of Mr. Stauf.”

quote:

”Lord, it smells awful too! What’s Stauf been doing here?”

(For the record, this last guy sounds incredibly WASP-ish.)


And this last guy has nothing to say, but looks FABULOUS!! And finally, the camera pans around and becomes our POV.


“How did I get here? I remember nothing.” We say. According to the manual, our character isn’t really even a person, simply an “Entity” called Ego.

Part 2: Of Cake and Cans



So by popular demand, we’re gonna Go Left and let David Tennant get killed by the giant spider lady under London…man this game got real weird real fast.


So, going left has turned us 90 degrees to face this way, and we can either continue to go left, go back right, or go through the left door. Well, Tennant ain’t dead yet, further left it is!


Hey, a cutscene is available, let’s watch why not?


Ok, because all this is is a guy reading a letter while Stauf’s voice narrates, I’m not gonna bother linking a video in this case. However, I will of course transcribe the script because my understanding is that everything in this game can be a clue. 

”Stauf” posted:

My dear Mr. Dutton ... Welcome to my house. The arrangement is simple. You are to spend the night as my guest. And - in exchange - I will give you your heart's most secret desire.
(Here Stauf’s voice changes, and gets all distorted for the next line or so.)
And you know what that is Mr. Dutton, don't you? But I require one thing of you - a special service, a task that I've set up for you.
There's a guest who hasn't arrived yet, a guest unlike the six of you. A very special guest. Your service involves that guest. You may wonder what that service is. But that is the game, Mr. Dutton .. the puzzle I've set before you.
(Stauf’s voice gets all distorted again)
This is all I can tell you, Mr. Dutton. In the morning, only one of my guests will walk out of this house, with his or her every wish granted.

There’s some laughing, and the cutscene fades away. And that’s it for this screen. Leftward, ho!


So here we can see the right hand door from our first option, and an additional door. And going left one more time brings us back to our original view. 


Oh, something that is worth noting is that you can always look around at a room from different angles as near as I can tell, so before you go through a door, you can look around behind you FPS style, which is definitely pretty cool compared to Phantasmagoria. This is a door to the right of the door we just approached that we couldn’t see before. We’ll go there later I suppose. Through the door…


We get a lovely little sitting room that wouldn’t have been out of place in my grandmother’s house. We can approach the table, so let’s do that.


So the 6 guests are standing around what appears to be a block of soylent green, complaining that Stauf isn’t there, but there’s a note saying that they are to help themselves each to a piece exactly the same size (including the symbols). Which as they fade away, I can only assume means we’re about to have our first puzzle!

”Stauf” posted:

“Ah, become a grrrrave digger now, have we? You are a glutton for punishment.”

So the puzzle involves serving the six guests each 2 skulls, 2 gravestones, and one plain piece of cake. And all the pieces offered must be connected. Puzzle it out for a minute before following the link to the SOLUTION, but keep in mind there are a few ways to do this one. (And I freely admit it took me a few tries.) [Also, please note that the solution is from the CD-I version, I can only assume that someone did not heed the doctor’s warning about that system.]


That done, we see one of the younger female guests make a pass at the old guy, inviting him to her room. Ewwww. But hovering over the table brings up the Chattery Teeth, so let’s have a look at what happens!


Wheee! And there’s a cutscene available to the left, so let’s view that too…Oh, actually all it does is play a soundbite saying “Come to my room, upstairs.” Not just yet, creepy lady. So back in the main foyer, let’s go to that door we noticed earlier.


To the right of it, we have a creepy clock, wonder what this does…


The hands and the moon at the top just spin crazily for a 3 count, and that’s it. The levitating silverware was cooler. Through the door we go!


So, in this tiny little kitchen, there’s a cutscene by the cutting board, and another by the stove. Cutting board first. The old woman appears, fiddling with something.

quote:

“Yes! This is it! …no it isn’t!..I still…”

Hoookay, and the stove?

”Stauf” posted:

When all seven guests have gathered, you must figure out what I want. It's a puzzle, Mrs. Knox. And mind you, the others are also working at the same task. It may all depend who has the greatest need. Or who is the bravest. There are clues through this house as to what must be done. The house is alive with clues. Hoping to meet you - in the flesh - I remain, your host. .. Henry Stauf.

Riiight. Well, we can approach the knife block now which begins our next puzzle already.

”Stauf” posted:

“Here’s some food for thought! Be warned though…your mind will be gorged before this night is done!”

You’re not helping. So, the only assumption I can make looking at this puzzle is that you have to spell something with the cans. Ego seems to agree, commenting after my first few manipulations “There’s more to these cans…than meets the eye.”


And a few more manipulations later, Stauf pipes up with “I don’t think you can do this.” Christ, it’s like doing Sudoku with Mr. Freeze hanging over your shoulder shouting puns. Anyway, this one took awhile because as you’ll notice, there are no fucking vowels available, just Ys. Anywho, not gonna bother with a video for this one, but here’s the answer if you want it…

So turning around from the cupboard gets us this view, and an available cutscene! (There’s a usable door to the left, we’ll get to that another time I’m sure.)


 So the old lady is tasting the soup or whatever, and it turns into a head sticking out of the pot, and shouts “BRING HIM TO ME!!”, she runs off, the head laughs as it returns to the pot, and Ego comments “I smell it.”

Part 3: Word and Chess Play
Door to the right of the stairs wins by a narrow margin, so in we go! However…


We get the wagging finger. Cocktease! Ok, fuck you too, door. But seeing as people said door on the right, well, there’s one more door on the right so let’s do that instead. (Goddamn I hate when games tease you like that with doors. There’s not even a fucking keyhole barring my entry. Fuck.)


Well at least we get a room we can do something in. We can look at our newest puzzle or go further into the room. Well, let’s check the rest of the place out before I drive myself crazy with this one.


 Okay, so behind the glass doors is the Bajoran Wormhole from DS9, and then the doors pulse inward ominously. Terrific. Also, the telescope is another puzzle. Looking to our right:


Apparently we can approach the fireplace for a closer look. Now, last time I did this in a game I found a Satanic Chapel. Who wants to go 2 for 2?


Oh shit, son. If there’s a blonde bimbo opening an obviously evil box behind there, I fucking quit. 


Awww, it’s just a corridor. We used to dream of living in a corridor. Well, I want to finish up in the sitting room before moving onward, so back we go to the book puzzle. And for some reason I can’t just turn around here, so I guess I’ll have to go forward, then turn, fucking arbitrary game rules…


 Oooookay, that was unexpected. Sorry though, creepy ghost lady, the sitting room calls and I must answer!


Oh fuck you wagging finger. Goddamn it, guess I have no choice but to ride the plot railroad. Actually, double fuck you, because instead of following your spooky ghost lady, I’m going through the door I saw when I first came in here! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!


I hate you, wagging finger.  So I also can’t use the next door on the left, but right afterwards are doors on either side of the hall, and after an arbitrary coin flip, I take the door on the right.


And the room is drunk for a moment as everything goes wonky, then reverts to normal. The only thing of interest is the bed, which is a puzzle (somehow). Let’s take a look at it!

”Stauf” posted:

Skipping threes, and skipping fives. Perhaps that’s how one derives the answer to this wordy tale. But you won’t win, you’re bound to fail!

Okay, I’m officially sick of him. So my interpretation of that means that you can move either 3 or 5 spaces each time to generate a word or sentence. After selecting the first letter, Ego comments “There are stars in space, but no spaces are allowed here, only stars.” Um, okay. If you select the wrong letter, the whole thing starts over, including Stauf’s little rhyme. After a few tries, I found that you can go backwards as well as forwards. So yeah, this is gonna be trial and error the whole fucking way. 

(20 Minutes Later)

Okay, so the solution took a few tries, but, I got it legitimately!

THE*SKY*IS*RUDDY*YOUR*FATE*IS*BLOODY

Afterwards, we get a short Cutscene which is kinda weird, and now the Chattery Teeth show over the bed, but it’s audio only: the sound of a woman having an orgasm. Dead serious. Well, nothing else here, so let’s go across the hall and see what we find. 

quote:

“Oh! It’s so beautiful! And it’s a maze! I remember doing these as a little girl!”

Honey, I’m not sure you were ever a “little” girl. 

quote:

”You have to follow it all the way to the center!”

Okay, 1: You are waaaay too excited about a fucking maze. 2: NO FUCKING SHIT. Well, before we tackle our next puzzle, let’s look around a bit in the room. Nothing else is clickable from this perspective, but turning around…

 


I have no idea what just happened there, but I suspect if I were to play it backwards I’d hear a recipe for lentil soup. Either that, or David Lynch directed that scene of a woman talking backwards. Okay Stauf, what’s your game this time around?


I dunno, looks easy enough I guess…

Stauf posted:

“Don’t you just…love surprises?”

Uhh, dafuq? So, no explanation here. 4 bishops per side, and each one can only move diagonal y one square. And again, no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to do with them. And when I get to this point:


Ego just says “Which way should I go now?” no matter what piece I click on. And this keeps happening in different placements. Um. Hang on.

(5 minutes of research later)

Ohhh okay. When Ego says that, it means that you can now move your last clicked piece to a new square of your choice. My confusion is understandable as this is also apparently one of the hardest puzzles in the game. Now it shouldn’t be if this puzzle was logical, however, the game is arbitrarily deciding which pieces can and cannot be moved, and if Ego doesn’t ask the question, the piece moves the maximum allowable distance. In other words, this puzzle is bullshit. I guess the point of it is to have all the pieces change sides, but I still don’t understand how it decides which pieces can and cannot be moved even If there’s nothing obstructing it. GAHHHH!!!

(2 more minutes of research)

So it turns out that you cannot move a piece into “check” against another piece, which is why I cannot move some pieces to some squares. 


This, uh….this might take a while. 

Part 4: In Which I Abuse Video!
So yeah, fuck that chess puzzle in the ear. But I did it, and thanks for all the help, but I was eventually able to get through it, then I saved it, reloaded it and did it once more for the cameras.

Another supernatural event occurs. Well that was weird. Well, back out of this room because there’s nothing else to see, and further down the corridor…


Okaaaaay. Apparently the Stauf House is on the Neverland Ranch I guess. And where did the kid come from?? Looking to our right,


I guess we ended up upstairs when we went through that fireplace down below? Goddamn teleporters. 

Looking to our left…Another supernatural event! And okay, yeah, that one was kind of creepy. Anyway, up ahead of us are doors on the left, right, and straight ahead. So going by my usual pattern of elimination, I guess we’ll start on the left.

quote:

”Oh this is all so beautiful! Look at this bed! Just like the bed I used to have!”

Uh huh. So there’s a cutscene at that chair on the left….ok, wow. Yeah, this is fucking weird, and you kind of need to watch this. No description I give could ever encompass the pure weird this one had to offer. Anyway, there’s another puzzle on the rug it looks like…

Stauf posted:

”This plumbing..could get you into heart water!

Oh shut up you. So I guess the point of this one is to open and close different gates so that the blood exits the maze. Sounds easy enough, right?
Yeah, fuck that nonsense. This took me easily around half an hour to figure out, and the key to it was not starting at the heart. So if you’re curious as to the solution:

There you have it. And then we see more of Turban Guy and the Little Boy, and then for some reason stuff happens. Well, nothing else to do in this room, let’s go into that room that was straight ahead of us back at that intersection.


Turban Guy is so fucking hammy he may just be my favorite character. Also, good to know that his apparent untimely demise didn’t affect him any…or maybe it happened after this room? Or did it? Or…oh no, I’ve gone crosseyed. Anyway…oh god. No. Nonononono. Not another chessboard? Oh fuck.  Anyway, we’ve got a cutscene trigger against the back wall…

quote:

”Want a balloon sonny? Here’s a nice one! Red BALLOOOOOON?!”

Sorry buddy, but I think the Northampton Clown has you beat as an act. We also have a supernatural event on the pool table…



 Okay, that was weird. We teleported all the way back into the kitchen via the stove. Well, back upstairs we go I guess…


Hey, that puzzle wasn’t there before! And simply because I do not want to struggle through another chess puzzle, let’s do this one instead.

Stauf posted:

”It’s easy to find a place to start…it’s hard to find a place to finish.”

So a spider appears at one of the purple spots when you click and Stauf just can’t help chiming in again.

Stauf posted:

”I wonder if you will get the point of this?”

So the point as near as I can figure going in is to get a spider at all the apex points of the star. When you click a purple spot, the spider appears and Ego can choose where the spider moves to, but it must move on a diagonal path from the starting point. So for example, if I start at the point on the very top of the star, the spider must travel to either the left or right of the very bottom purple spot. Trial and error will get you there, or make sure the next spider travels to where you sent the previous one from.

So after solving that one, we get a shot of the kid trying to get out the door while a woman screams her head off repeatedly. Unable to open it, he darts off camera.

Part 5: 3 Easier Puzzles, Hooray!

To the Sitting Room, Huzzah!


And this might be a short update because the book on the coffee table is also apparently a puzzle.


I’m sorry, what? (30 seconds of looking at the manual later) Ohhhh, okay. So if you get really and truly stuck on a puzzle, you can check the book for a hint, and if you check it repeatedly the game just says “Fuck it” and solves the puzzle for you, which explains how people got past this mysterious microscope puzzle I keep hearing about. To the telescope then!

Stauf posted:

“You’ll need more than lenses to focus your thoughts on this one!”

Shut. Up. So another one where the instructions are gonna have to be figured out as we go, huh? Well, the only letter I can click on is the T at the very bottom of Mars, so I guess we’ll start there.

Ego posted:

“Now this doesn’t make sense. Or does it?”

I don’t know, asshole! I guess it’s kind of like the bed puzzle, where I have to trial and error my way through a sentence or phrase? Anyway...

THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY

Well that’s clear as fucking mud. Jackass. And I guess we get the obligatory cutscene following a solution…


Oh, hi Stau-AAAAAHHHH!!! So we get a weird little rhyme about whatever the fuck happened the night all the guests came to this crazy house. Well, that’s it for this room I guess? Which means…


I DON’T WANNA!! Christ I think I just channeled my 3 yr old. Well, guess there’s no choice left to it, is there. 

Stauf posted:

”A Queen is lethal…in any direction!”

So I’ll be using Queens in this one? Well how about giving me some you fucking twisted jackass!!! Actually after fiddling around a little, it appears the point of this one is to set up 8 Queens on the board in positions so that they cannot place each other in check. Which, like the bishop puzzle is easier said than done, because if you’re not familiar with chess, as Stauf said, a Queen can move in any of the 8 cardinal directions for any number of spaces.

Stauf posted:

”I’m getting boooored….”

Then fuck off and let me explain your sick puzzle in peace and quiet you….grrr…


Placing the first 5 or 6 is pretty simple, but when you get to number 7, that is when you start fucking up. A lot. Because if you click a square that’s in line with another piece, that piece moves to the new location. And if there are multiple pieces that are in line with the new position, they all disappear. Did I solve it legitimately? Fucking Right I Did. Because although complicated, it’s actually a relatively well-known puzzle that’s been around for well over a hundred years. Checking up on it after the fact shows that there are over 92 possible solutions to this one. So yeah, I had an advantage in that I’d seen this one before. Once I recognized exactly what the puzzle wanted, the rest was relatively simple.


After the puzzle, Turban Guy appears over the chessboard exclaiming “Oh! They want the boy!” And then there’s another cutscene…


In which Turban Guy calls the Little Boy the 7th Guest and the Boy runs off. So mystery solved, game over? No? Shit. Well, we’ve got one more door to open up here so let’s do that. 


Except it’s locked. Well, great. So now I’ve got to go through the house, trying every goddamned room again?


Oh, Creepy Ghost Lady is waving me this way, okaaaay.


Eeeew. I’m sorry, but when I called that one cutscene the skeeviest thing I’ve ever seen, I wasn’t lying. (Okay, maybe the skeeviest thing I’ve ever seen in a PC game.) Aaand despite the Ghost Lady waving me this way, I can’t open any new doors, and there’s nothing new behind the ones I could already open. Hmmm…what to do, what to do….Oh, wait! There was another door we could use in the kitchen, wasn’t there? Sounds like a plan to me!


Sweet, new room!

Stauf posted:

”Ohhh I’m dying to see what you do next.”

God I’m starting to hate the sound of that man’s voice. Well this looks pretty straight forward, I’d guess that I have to move the grate pieces around so that those ones on the right make one hole?

Stauf posted:

”Finding things a little…grrrrating?”

Enough out of you!


Uhhh, what? Oh, the spikes disappear when you move another piece into that opening. Kay. Needless to say, there’s no great (*groan* now I’m doing it) strategy to this puzzle, we’ve all done a variation on it at some time or another. So yeah, pretty easy. Following solving the puzzle, we crawl through the hole, while Stauf comments about this being a dungeon. Yeeeah, did none of the construction crew working on this place for him not get just a teeny bit suspicious about the Toymaker having a fucking dungeon below his house??


And Ghost Lady shows up again waving us forward…and what the fuck is her story anyway? She’s not one of the other 6 guests unless the Little Boy is actually a teenaged girl.


And we hit an intersection.

Part 6: The Part of Henry Stauf Will Now Be Played By David Caruso
So yeah, didn’t know this was a maze when I ended up here, but because I know you all want me to suffer, guess we’re gonna do this.

Oh yeah, and even if I’ve saved after completing the grate puzzle, we still have to solve it again. Joy, rapture, sunny day. So my First Attempt got me stuck pretty quick. The second one though…. So how did I manage it? Well, after the first try ended, it occurred to me that I had seen this maze somewhere before…


And despite what that lady said, the goal is not to reach the center. And yes, I will be insufferably  about that maze for a loooooong time.




Anyway, after the maze comes this room.

Stauf posted:

“Clearly, this is an open and shut case!”

Thank you, late 19th century David Caruso. Oh, and “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” So clearly, this is one of those puzzles where every case closed affects those around it, closing the ones that are already open, and opening any closed ones. 

Stauf posted:

”Finding things a little cryptic?”

Stick a cork in it you cheap Vincent Price knockoff! The difference between this one and others I’ve done is that it also affects diagonals, which I haven’t seen before.

 
And as you can see, I’ve gotten pretty close to solving it so far. There is no trick solution to this, it’s just trial and error unfortunately. The really sick thing is that each time the puzzle is started, Stauf opens coffins at random.


Oh, fuck you.


Eventually all the coffins are closed, and we are treated to another cutscene of the old guy and the trampy woman dragging the young boy somewhere, but then Turban Guy shows up and fucking snaps the old guy’s neck like a twig. 

Turban Guy is my hero.


And then Trampy Woman turns into Gene Simmons. 


So all we can do here is approach this coffin, so I guess we’ve got no choice.



And we get catapulted back to the kitchen. Wacky! Returning to the main foyer, that one door still won’t open. Nothing new in the dining room… and over at the sitting room….


CUTSCENE TIME! The guests just stand around describing what they’ve seen so far. Turban Guy suggests that they all stick together while Old Guy mocks him saying that it’s a game that only Stauf knows the rules to. And there’s the fallacy: Assuming that a psychotic lunatic has rules. Anyway, that’s it for the sitting room. 


Going back upstairs, the Ghost Lady is back again and I’m almost as sick of her as I am of Stauf’s puns. Then we get a Cutscene where Turban Guy offers some comfort to Old Guy’s wife. 


Oh fuck you Ghost Lady!! Well, gonna assume she wants me to go in the door she just passed through…Which leads us through the bedroom that had the Maze Carpet and Bishop Puzzle to the door on the far side of the room.


Oh goody, Stauf’s bathroom. Well, the Chattery Teeth are showing over the sink, so better do that I guess…


Oh good, another teleport.








Aaand we’re back in the sitting room? Well, to save time, just going to head back up the fireplace passage.


And the door across from its exit is now able to be opened! Okay, whattaya got for me this time?


So we have a cutscene at the champagne, and a puzzle on the bed. Cutscene first….


And it’s not even a proper cutscene, the champagne suddenly materializes a cork that shoots off. THRILL AT THE BONE-CHILLING HORROR OF THE 7TH GUEST!!! Ok, puzzle time!

Stauf posted:

”Oh, I’m dying to see what you do next!”

Ok, first time I heard it, I swore he said “dime to see what you do next”, and I had to resist the urge to put my fist through the computer. So I have no idea what the swastika on the left is for, but I think the point of this one is to turn over every coin. Trial and Error will solve it soon enough though! 

Following that one, then you have to do the same thing with the swastika, which is definitely trickier.

And following this solution, in another cutscene, we have WASP-Guy open the briefcase the coins were on, exclaiming that he’s rich, and then something really vague and indeterminate happens to him. Really, I have no idea what the hell just happened. 

Also...

Part 7: Dear God, Enough With the Cutscenes!!
Okay, so where the fuck were we? Oh yeah, WASP-Guy died a really vague death, after we solved the coin puzzle, and now we have a cutscene on the left hand side of this bedroom. Let’s watch!

WASP Guy posted:

“A secret room! That’s the puzzle Stauf set out! And I solved!”

Uh, how secret was it if the door was right fucking there? So we go through the door after WASP Guy and-


Oh no. No no no. Not this again. Last time I was in an obviously sinister chapel some dumb blonde bitch went total FUBAR. So I can turn to the left and the right…turning to the left…


 Okaaay, how the fuck did that door open during the cutscene then? I mean, I get that Ego is probably some disembodied spirit or something, but why show the door open then? Also, I can’t get back through that door. Uhhh…Oh! There’s a puzzle on the floor I guess. 

Stauf posted:

“Using only what you see, can you get from A to B?”

Oh thank god, he’s stopped with the lame puns. So clicking on the tiles makes them drop down one by one, and just clicking from the green arrow to the red arrow causes Stauf to mock you. And Ego makes another “More than Meets the Eye” reference, but I’ve already made that joke. I somehow solved it, although I have no idea what the idea was, or what the flying fuck I did to solve it.  

Now, there’s a cutscene at the puzzle location, so what’s going on here? Oh, it’s just a repeat of the bat swooping at WASP Guy. However, we can now also approach the altar, so let’s do that…



Holy fuck Stauf is a sick fucking puppy. Yeah, that’s a baby on the altar, and Stauf in a crazy cape demanding a final sacrifice from WASP Guy. Wait a minute, a final sacrifice…?


Naaaah. Couldn’t be. So we can look to the left and to the right, but cannot approach the altar any closer, which is good because I don’t particularly want to. To the left, an organ, with another cutscene…


Now do Inna Gadda Davita! Well, that’s it over here, let’s see what was to the right of the altar.



 So the creepy toymaker has a Frankenstein lab? And why does this not surprise me in the slightest? Well, there’s another cutscene at the table thing…


Ew. I believe this is what Cave Johnson would call “Throwing Science at the wall and seeing what sticks”. Well, doing that unlocked ANOTHER fucking cutscene…


But it features Turban Guy, so I’ll let it slide. This time. Except Turban Guy may have just melted to death. So nothing else to click from this view, so to the left…


We can approach the cell door or the cabinet. Just to switch it up, let’s hit the cabinet


Um, okay? Oh, is it the microscope puzzle?


No, we’re heading for the cell doors….


OH FUCK YOU! Well, where to next then…Holy shit that last set of doors on the first floor can finally be opened! What’s inside? Spirits? Slime? Nazi Gold?


Awww, just a piano. There’s a cutscene at the harp….

 
But seeing that all that happens is that a spectral violin flies across the screen playing, no need to upload that one. We also have the Chattery Teeth at that plant in the back…


So it grows?


Oh, fuck your teleports, Stauf!  Luckily, I can climb back down the plant to the music room, where there’s now a cutscene (Ok, I can’t be the only one getting sick of ‘em) at the piano…


So we just get a pair of spectral hands playing for a minute or so, and now the piano shows a puzzle!

Stauf posted:

”I got this piano for a song!”

I hate to admit, but I almost missed the puns. So right after that, one of the keys depresses…Oh god, I’m going to be playing Simon aren’t I?

Yes. And just as you think you’re done…it just keeps going. Oh god this is aggravating. And I freely admit because I have a shit memory, I looked for a key map or something online, but no one has one. Fuck. And then, oh and then boys and girls, if you accidentally click the mouse too far to the side, you leave the piano and have to start again from fucking scratch. GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

(*10 Minutes Later*)
Please kill me.
(*Another 10 Minutes Later*)
Oh dear god, FINALLY. And we finish with a cutscene!


Old Guy and Trampy Woman demand that WASP Guy hand over the Boy and when he doesn’t, they grab him by force, which makes WASP Guy pull a knife, which he drops after a brief struggle, Trampy Woman picks it up, hands it to Old Guy, who gives it back to WASP Guy. Repeatedly. In the chest. 

So I guess whatever happened in the bedroom with the Coin Puzzle didn’t kill him then? I am so confused. 

Part 8: In Which I Truly Begin to Hate the Antagonist
Well, ton of responses and yet not one suggestion. So I guess I’ll just stumble around blindly until something happens…


Oh, when I went to exit, there’s a supernatural event at the gramophone. And if anyone has any idea what in the bloody fuck that was, I’d appreciate knowing. That was fun, let’s check the rest of the first floor and see if any new puzzles are present. Nothing in the Dining Room, But in the Kitchen….


So I guess the Boy’s name is Tad? And he entered this fucking place on a dare? You see what peer pressure can do to people, so please, don’t do it kids. Anywho, nothing else in the kitchen, so let’s head upstairs next. Nothing new, nothing new…oh, here’s a door I couldn’t open before to the right of WASP Guy’s bedroom….

quote:

”Let me out!” “I wanna go home!” “DADDY!”

Ohhh I am gonna fucking enjoy messing up Stauf at the end of this. I mean, I already was for the puns, but now I’m really fucking pissed. So there’s a puzzle on the table, let’s check that shit out. 

Stauf posted:

”Give up?”

No pithy bon mot this time you creepy fuck? So I guess this puzzle is a literal puzzle. Those buttons along the edges flip the pieces around. 


Oooookay, that was weird. So I guess multiple versions of the same piece can exist. Overall, it’s not hard exactly, but it is frustrating. And following the solution...


Turban Guy and the Old Lady figure out that Stauf’s toys stole the souls of a specific number of children specifically for that night in particular for some reason, with Turban Guy realizing that Tad (despite very obviously being dared to enter the house) would complete the collection, and they agree to find him before the other guests do. Oh yeah, Stauf is gonna go down hard for this. Well, we can go further into the room…


We approach a doll house, and furthering my “Ego Is A Disembodied Spirit” theory, we can apparently go through this door in it. In we go!


Oooookay, I expected to end up back in the sitting room, but this is much creepier. Especially that “Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father” inscription in the back. There’s a cutscene on the left, and a puzzle on the right, so let’s do the cutscene first…

quote:

”ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!”

Ok, not a cutscene. This game really needs to make up its mind what classifies as cutscenes, supernatural events, and teleports. Ok, puzzle time again.

Stauf posted:

”Three little words, that’s all it takes.

Yeah, the punsmith is not on his A-Game tonight. And this one seems a little obvious as to what the solution is as well. GET BOY TAD. And then there’s a short cutscene of Stauf lurking while a baby cries. It’s nothing huge, so didn’t bother to capture it in any format. So I can approach the toybox the demon dog popped out of…



And we’re right back here again. Terrific. Okay, back upstairs, there’s at least one more door we haven’t opened yet. 


So I was headed back to the fireplace shortcut, and reached this new viewpoint. And I can get closer still…hmmm…


So, is it a door or not? Because it just fades to a door over and over again before going back to just being the wall. Well, might have to wait until later. Ok, on to the last room we haven’t opened yet.


Puzzle in the lower right hand corner and that’s it. Okay, one more because this update will be kind of short otherwise. 

Stauf posted:

”Up-and-down-and-side-to-side, that’s-the-way-the-cards-unhide!”

Well, at least it wasn’t another stupid pun. On the other hand, we’re back to puzzles with mystery solutions....Ohhh, it’s the Coin Puzzle Redux! So yeah, same principle, have to turn over cards in order, have to be adjacent, yadda yadda yadda…

Darth Vader posted:

”All too easy.”

Following this we get a cutscene of Turban and WASP Guys hanging out. Turban Guy finds some weights, a top hat, and then somehow makes a woman appear on the bed, who then turns transparent to WASP Guy’s horror.

Part 9: I Hang My Head in Shame

Ok, sorry for the delay folks, things have been…well, not good, let’s just leave ‘er at that. So where was I…oh right, that room where WASP Guy started tripping balls while Turban Guy futzed around. So if I turn around….


Well, Monty, which one shall it be? Ummm….right hand door!


FUCK! Seriously, I just dropped through the floor and ended up back here again. Okay, back up the damn stairs I guess…The middle door takes me back into the hallway, and the leftmost door…


Aaaaand we’re back here again. Terrific. I am so lost. Oh wait, I guess it’s time to try the fabled microscope puzzle!


Okay you sick old fuck, what do you got for me?


Clear as mud. Ego marvels at the fact that there’s a puzzle in the microscope, meaning that he’s an easily impressed disembodied spirit. Still not 100% sure what the point here is…


Okay, I guess both Ego and Stauf are playing as Amoebas and the point is to take over the whole slide. If you move into a space adjacent to your opponents’ Amoebas, you can take them over as your own. And not gonna lie, it’s fucking hard as balls. But not impossible. The worst part is the sucking sound that the game makes with every move. 

And I tried for two fucking hours to get past it. So, I must hang my head in shame and admit defeat, I had no choice but to use the book. Like I said, the puzzle’s not impossible per se, but the AI is too good, and I’m pretty sure it fucking cheats. So, my apologies on that one, I am deeply ashamed. 


Fuck your microscope, Stauf! I’m gonna go build my own microscope puzzle! With Blackjack! And Hookers! Anywho, I was a little naughty and peeked ahead to see how much more game there is, and if you can believe it, we’re almost done. On that note…


We missed a puzzle in the bathroom! And…oh no. OHHHHH NO! THE TILES ARE A CHESSBOARD!!!! GAAAAAAHHHH!!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO MUCH! ANTI-LIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!

Stauf posted:

”Make your move…if you dare!”

FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOU!!!!

Stauf posted:

”Don’t take all knight!”

OH GOD HOW I LOATHE YOU!!! And he won’t stop repeating that phrase after every fucking move!!!


And what’s worse….it’s the fucking Bishops puzzle again. 

Stauf posted:

”Don’t take all knight!”

SHUT YOUR COCK HOLE!!

Stauf posted:

”Don’t take all knight!”

SHUT IIIIIIIIT!!!!


Oh come ON! That’s close enough for government work!

Stauf posted:

”Don’t take all knight!”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-


So after finally solving what I hope to Jesus FUCKING Christ is the LAST goddamned Chess puzzle in this game, we watch the Slutty Woman take a bath, because that’s just what you want to do after murdering several people, and then she gets sucked down the drain. Why Not? Well, back to wandering the house I guess…


Ooookay, what fresh hell is this?


Whoaaaa....


GAH!


And now we’re in a new room I’ve never seen before. Slutty Woman and Old Guy talk about it for a moment, and then we’re left to explore. Looks like 2 more cutscenes in here. 


So the one on the left makes a big picture appear instead, and there’s a horse riding in flames. Charming. And on the right…


A couple of the paintings are in Flavor Country. So what else is in here?


Yyyikes. Now, seriously, who would buy toys from a guy who looks like....that?

Part 10: The Hell Just Happened??
Okay, where were we?


 GAH! Oh right. So what new hell does this puzzle have in store?

Stauf posted:

“All the king’s horses, and all the king’s men….

Whatever, egghead. Okay, so the point of this one is to get Stauf’s face back to normal. Each click changes the pieces around it, resulting in a few marvellous improvements to his looks. 



At any rate, it’s pretty much the same thing as the coffins puzzle. But a lot harder.

(*1 hour later*)

FUCK THIS SHIT. TO THE BOOK!!! So is there anything else in this room?

Creepy Painting posted:

”If you think my eyes are big, you should see my TEETH!”

Well, I know what I’ll be seeing my nightmares tonight.  So back upstairs after that, and I will be honest in using a walkthrough here just to save myself hours of pointless wandering. There’s a door opposite WASP Guy’s room, let’s see what’s in there….


 Ooookay, puzzle out of fucking nowhere first. Seriously, this one showed up without warning. Anyway, the point, near as I can figure, is to eliminate all but one of the knives from the pentagram by jumping them over each other. It’s not hard, but it will take you a few tries to master. So after this, the door opens, and we go up a flight of stairs to…


Stauf’s Junk Room!! So there’s a puzzle on that Doll House on the right, anything else in here? I’ll just turn around and…

quote:

ZUUL MOTHERFUCKER ZUUL!!!

O-kay, not going that way I suppose. To the Doll House then. 

Stauf posted:

”Consider this game…ON! THE! HOUSE!”

Thank you once again for being an incredibly vague asshole. And I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing here. 
*5 minutes of research later*
Okay, so I guess you’re supposed to climb the house using the windows by lighting them in a certain order. The first two levels are easy enough, but if you start on the wrong window on the third level, you go right back the fuck down to the bottom.

Stauf posted:

”So. My. Boy. Your wits have brought you this far…but will you have the patience to go any further?!”

Shut. It. So the whole thing is pretty much just process of elimination once you get to the top. No big deal. 


Following the solution, the Old Guy’s Wife’s head appears on the mannequin (  ) and…hang on, have we met that woman before? ….Okay, yeah, she was the one who found the head in the soup. Anyway, she grabs Tad, and exclaims that there’s one more puzzle before disappearing. 


And then we get the Shyamalan Twist. Are you ready? Ego is Tad. Yep, this whole time, we’ve been on a quest to save ourselves from whatever happened, leaving Ego in an infinite cycle.



Okay, let’s see if we can’t break this fucking cycle. So the Old Lady delivers Tad to a cackling Stauf, and demands her wish. In response…


Stauf vomits acid and melts the Old Lady. Because why not?


Stauf then extends his tongue (  ) which wraps around Tad, holding him in place. Ego demands Stauf release him…


Then this happens. I have no idea what the fuck is going on.


And then Tad approaches the camera thanking us for saving him...


…and that’s it. Game over. Waaaait a fucking minute. That’s….it? Did I miss something? Why did Stauf need the children’s souls? Who or what sent him the vision of the first doll? Why did he need a specific number of children’s souls? WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT?!

Final Thoughts
Overall, it’s a decent game, and I can see how revolutionary it was for 1992. But that ending is such bullshit and such a total letdown after all the buildup. I can’t stress that enough. I am actually kind of disgusted by that ending in just how it didn’t explain anything at all.

Also, there's a few times that the game just uses the same puzzle, but in a different fashion; The Bishops/Knights puzzle, the Coffins/Painting Puzzle, and so forth. In my opinion, if you can't come up with something original, don't just reuse the same puzzle. I dunno.